Mom guilt. That dreaded feeling can be the worst. I’m currently feeling a few different emotions, mostly out of sheer exhaustion and uncomfortableness (physically) but I have pinpointed back to Mom Guilt.

I’m sitting here in Starbucks parking lot typing this. Just sitting in the parking lot because my stomach is swollen and uncomfortable so have feet up on dash and probably getting looks from passerbys but I don’t really care. 😂 I had every intention of going inside, getting a decaf coffee and working a little while I wait for Dr results today. Waiting to see if I need to drive back up here tomorrow (which would be the 3rd trip to KC this week) aka 21 hours of driving to and from KC THIS WEEK. Y’all, it’s exhausting, but love the reason we are doing it.

Anyways, sitting in the parking lot, debating with myself, if I need to drive back to Arkansas or not, just to come back tomorrow at 7:30 am. The answer is no, I don’t NEED to drive back to Arkansas. I’m tired, I’m uncomfortable, I have tons of work I could be doing or housework I could think about doing, but more importantly Zayden is going to miss me and what if I end up missing something important in the next 30 hours or what happens if he falls and just needs his mama?? Here’s the deal I don’t need to go home today.. Only crazy people drive 21 hours when they can easily stay in town and see friends, get a pedicure, maybe shop, right? But the Mom Guilt is real. I know he is fine with an extremely capable and awesome I might add, nanny, and hubs is there to take care of him when she leaves. They will probably have Mac n cheese or order pizza because those two things Jason is a pro at doing 😂. Zayden may ask where I am or be a little sad, but he will be ok! But the Mom Guilt is just weighing extra heavy on me today. I feel bad every morning this week that I had to sneak out of bed at 4 am and he woke up crying to see me leave. 😭 Part of my brain is saying, you’re leaving your child for just a potential child – and then my silly brain goes down the rabbit hole on how unfair that is. Arghhh. Does the Mom Guilt ever leave? Do you ever know you’re making the right decision when it comes to your kids or do you always question things?

Alright, Mom Guilt aside, things in IVF world are going good. I have a killer support system, from family doing what they can to cover Z shifts as needed, friends staying the night to take care of pups last minute, friends letting crash their house last minute, and just neighbors or friends saying they’re there for us if needed, and friends from literally across the US sending us cookies just to brighten the day 😭😭😭❤️. It may seem like a small item to them, but the love that is pouring on me when I’m feeling a bit down is overwhelming. All this love just makes me want to adopt and have all the babies we can so share this love with them! Killer support system is so so important and have been blessed in that arena. Speaking of support system, I have two other friends going through the exact process literally right now (say a prayer for them too please, B & C).

Tests have been going pretty good, just slower than planned, which means more drugs. Tentatively, we are looking at Friday retrieval and next Wednesday transfer. So prayers are appreciated (for me and my two friends if you have an extra prayer for them, they definitely deserve it). ❤️

To all those mammas (or dads) that are experiencing the parent guilt – I feel ya. You’ve got this though. If not, holler at me and I’ll talk you down from it. 😊