Author: unravelingtheyarn

Just me and my thoughts on infertility...

Revisiting the Journey

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This time of year always puts me in a mood. Maybe it’s because October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Or maybe it’s because October 5, 2016, was the day I thought I was going to lose my life in the most traumatic ER visit ever. Or maybe it’s both. Either way…it’s been two years since I’ve posted on this Infertility turned Family-Living-with-Infertility blog, and it feels like its time to revisit. I know this may be a longer blog post and we live in a TikTok world of 15-second attention spans. So yes, this is probably more for me than anyone else. But if you want a recap, come along with me…

One of the first things I asked Jason on one of our first dates was, “Do you want kids?” Kids have always been on my heart since I was a child, and I knew my person also needed this in their life. He said yes, and honestly that sealed it for me (among other reasons, but that was a big one). We dated, got engaged, and were married in one year and 15 days. We started our life together ready for kids… but God had a different plan.

Over the next six years, we faced a miscarriage, a blighted ovum, and an ectopic pregnancy. Things we’d never even heard of and things people didn’t really talk about at the time. I felt pretty alone but tried to hold onto the phrase “God won’t give you more than you can endure” but honestly, it felt like too much. I carried guilt, shame, all the “what did I do wrong” thoughts. Or maybe this was payback for bad choices in my past? Those six years that should’ve been filled with lots of laughter and joy had some really dark moments… I overworked, over partied, under-ate some times, over-exercised others— really, anything to keep my mind off our reality. Thankfully I have a pretty great husband who has always chosen to be there.

One morning, pregnancy not even close to my mind, I woke up with what felt like a side stitch. No big deal I thought, lets get the day going. I got ready for 4:30 am yoga, but decided I felt off and needed to stay home. I crashed on the couch thinking I just needed to rest and day off work. Over the next few hours the pain became unbearable. When trying to decide if I needed to go to the ER or wait for urgent care to open, Jason reminded me, “You always say if you don’t follow your gut you always regret it, maybe you need to listen to your gut here.” Hey Holy Spirit..I heard you. So to the ER we went.

From all my accident prone years as a kid, I seem to have a pretty high pain tolerance, but this had me in tears. After hours of waiting and begging to be seen, I told Jason if he didn’t go into middle of the hall, jump up and down screaming until someone brought pain meds, then I’d be going home where I at least had Tylenol to take. I simply couldn’t take the pain anymore… Thankfully, a nurse overheard our conversation and assisted getting my meds. Finally, some relief…

The next few minutes were a whirlwind of ups and downs, extreme pain to relief, a Dr. telling me I was pregnant to hearing a heartbeat before the ultrasound tech realized what was happening and quickly turned off the sound (a sound burned into my head forever). Then to a nurse friend coming in to check on me, congratulate us, and instantly her face dropping when she realized it was an ectopic pregnancy – a look burned into my head forever. And moments later, the Dr. informing us it was unusual for an ectopic pregnancy to have a heartbeat, but we needed to have emergency surgery and remove the tube right away. Questions flooded into my mind: remove my last tube? no more chances of having babies? but she said there was a heartbeat, wait how? Trying to process all this, the Dr. snapped, “Sure. We have all the time here. No, we need to do this surgery now and you always have the option of invitro.” Words burned into my head forever.

As I was rolled back for emergency surgery, a kind nurse asked if she could pray over me – thank God for her. Not aware of how long the procedure was or the thoughts Jason had during that time, but I woke up to find I’d lost over a liter of blood into my abdomen, my last fallopian tube had ruptured, and I was no longer pregnant.

The bright side… looking back, was the support. Jason, just being present, and always there. My mom dropped everything (on her birthday) to steam clean our floors ha, cook homemade chicken and noodles, and just check on me. Some friends and our community group sent meals, letters, flowers, and scriptures. And honestly, I wasn’t in the place to receive it. I was pretty pissed off, bitter, broken, whatever negative connotations you can add to this, that’s what I was at the time. But today, I can see the love that carried us through it…

A few months pass and we decided to pursue adoption and IVF at the same time. I had always wanted to adopt (still do) and I was not quite sold on venturing down the IVF road; however with some family encouragement, we tried. And we did IVF 3 times…

IVF Round 1
We started this round knowing Jason had a big trip to India coming up. It was something he had already committed to before, and honestly, a trip he quit his corporate job to go on. The timing wasn’t ideal, because it lined up right when I would be in the thick of shots—the glamorous belly shots and the not-so-glamorous butt shots. I had to make peace early on that I would be handling all of this by myself, and that if I wanted to keep stress low (for both of us), I needed to prove I could handle it. So I did. Day after day, needle after needle, telling myself, “It’s fine. I’m fine.” ….except, ya know, it wasn’t really fine—it was exhausting. My body was bruised, my mind was drained, and I felt like I was on autopilot most of the time.

On top of that, we were driving to Kansas City constantly for appointments—sometimes there and back in the same day—so I could still keep my corporate job and work in the car while Jason drove. Other times I went alone, and when I didn’t feel strong enough for that, I’d drag my mom along just so I wasn’t by myself. And as if that wasn’t enough, we were still shooting weddings nearly every weekend, sometimes back-to-back ones. I can still picture myself sneaking off to a bathroom stall, giving myself a shot, and then walking right back out like it was a normal day—smile on my face, while inside I was running on fumes. There’s definitely some hidden trauma wrapped up in those moments that I’ve tucked away for another day…

IVF, Round 1 was going well, we ended up with 18 eggs and 13 fertilized! Odds seemed to be in our favor. We were scheduled for a 5-day transfer, so close! The morning of the transfer my phone rang. And in IVF world, you do not want a call before transfer because that means something is wrong. Sure enough, the Dr. on the other end said, “Hey Chasnie, I want to let you know there’s only 2 embryos (me, already heartbroken we only had 2 left) …and I can’t actually rate them, because their quality is so poor. Do you still want to proceed this morning?” My expectations had already been low going into IVF, and this news dragged them even lower than I thought possible. Still, there wasn’t much of a choice. I remember being pretty down but told her, “Well, yeah…I mean, what else are we supposed to do.” So we went forward, …even though my heart wasn’t convinced it would work. I told myself to just carry on with life as normal, not to hope too much, and not to set myself up for heartbreak again. But God. Out of those two “poor quality embryos” ENTER ZAYDEN.

IVF Round 2, same process, lots of driving, shots, much more confidence to do the shots, drove by myself multiple times, and we had a toddler to “help” me with the shots.

The exhaustion was real, but there was kind of a rhythm to it now.

19 eggs, 13 fertilized, 4 embryos on day of transfer. Morning of transfer, again I had a missed phone call. Stomach sank. This time it wasn’t about MY embryos, it was a mistake. The clinic had accidentally left me a message stating the transfer was off and there were no embryos. I spiraled. I called them back several times to get some answers. After 20 minutes of spiraling, they realized they made a mistake and our 4 embryos were waiting for us. My heart went out to the other couple receiving the bad news. My nerves were shot, I again went into this round with not high expectations. That day we transferred 2 embryos and froze 2 embryos. We were convinced God made me to carry twins, but He again had a different plan… ENTER RYKEN.

IVF Round 3, Things looked a little different this time around with a frozen transfer. Less shots & meds, fewer miles, but way more exhaustion because we had 2 toddlers at home.

We were ready to transfer the remaining 2 frozen embryos from Ryken’s round. This round felt simpler but not any less difficult. We were living in a post-covid world where we thought our transfer may get cancelled through part of it and all of the Dr appointments were done solo. Masks, empty waiting rooms, stricter rules in general. It wasn’t what I would call an upbeat experience. My last appointment there was a little bittersweet knowing I’d never be back, but again an empty waiting room with just me & a sign that said “You’re Not Alone.” Thank you Lord I was not alone.

Going into this round, I was 110% convinced this was the time God was going to give us twins. It just made sense to me, but again, He had another plan… ENTER KYDEN.

That was the end of our IVF journey. I wanted to share it because October always carries extra weight for me. It’s Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and with it comes this mix of grief and gratitude that’s hard to put into words. I still remember the ER rooms, the phone calls, the endless waiting, all the damn waiting, the prayers I wasn’t sure I had the strength to pray—and the many prayers others prayed over us and our littles. Those memories don’t just go away, even when we’re tucking in three healthy, beautiful babies every night.

The truth is, infertility doesn’t vanish once you finally have children. It lingers quietly in the background, showing up in unexpected moments, reminding you of what was lost, what was fought for, and what will always be a part of your story. I never want our heaven babies to be forgotten.

In the grief, I can also point to the ways God showed up. He was there in the nurse who prayed over me, in the family and friends who carried us, and now in the laughter and chaos of these 3 little ones. Grief and joy really can live together…. And hope can still be close, even when it doesn’t seem existent. So if you’re in the thick of it right now, please know you are not alone. Your story is not over.

Even if I’m not in same life season as you, always here for chatting about others infertility journeys. And I have a couple of ladies that would love prayer during their current IVF journey…if you think of it, keep those ladies in mind.

Kyden | ONE

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Honestly, I had to go back and look at my posts to see what milestones and moments I missed writing about. Ya know, like the 1st birthday. AH! I find it difficult finding time to actually write my thoughts out, and when I do, it’s usually around 1 am and I should be sleeping anyways. Other times I feel writing, it’s when I’m emotional over the little moments going by so fast and I feel guilty taking the time to blog about Kyden or the kids when literally it’s taking time away from me spending with them. Mom life, right?

First things first, Kyden Jade…she’s 1. She is walking, saying things like “Hup” for Help, Up, Down, Hi, Bye, and a few of the random words like September every once in awhile. She is so ornery, very daring and tries everything dangerous at least once. She is not phased when the cat slaps her for holding him too tight (Oh ya, we got a cat sometime this year, and another pup, but I’ll get to that in another post ..maybe). She is phased when the pup steals food out of her hand, but let’s be honest, who wouldn’t be? I said Kyden was walking, but really she’s running. She is everywhere all at once, following both Ryken & Zayden and acts like she’s their boss some days. She has a very sweet side to her, loves to cuddle and the BIGGEST smile when you walk in the door from work or out of bed. She meets with the biggest smile, and sometimes a squeal of excitement.

Ryken and Zayden are her biggest fans, literally. I would like to say Jason and I are, but they have beat us to it. They think she’s the coolest, best friend they’ve ever had and I hope it stays that way forever. Ryken is still my sweet and sassy girl, just like her mama. And Zayden is still our always questioning everything, sweet boy. Their personalities are so far from each other but so similar in so many aspects. Ryken repeats everything Zayden says, even when it makes no sense, she will say it like the world is relying on her to say it. She has the confidence I wish I had some days. And Zayden confidence continues to build, especially watching him do swim and ninja, it has helped develop his sometimes shyness into confidence. Ryken doesn’t really have that shy bone, unless she’s tired and I feel Kyden will be like this as well.

So we got a cat, Mac. He’s the man and Zayden’s favorite thing on earth right now. He loves his cat Mac. Ryken likes him and also loves her Evee (great dane pup), when she isn’t stealing food or one of her toys. Kyden likes to chase after them both. Anyways, both the animals are rescues and after we lost Charlie and Ollie within 3 months, we had that hole in our hearts and thought we needed, just NEEDED, to add chaos into our life. Honestly, it’s pretty similar to having a baby and toddlers…someone or something is eating something they’re not supposed to, one of the kids or pets is making a mess somewhere in the house, and they all go through what we call “Zoomies.” If only they could experience zoomies all at the same time, that’d be great, but Evee and Mac always experience them when one of the kiddos is sleeping. This is the life we chose. Ha, and we love it.


To summarize our last month quickly….here’s a brief, chaotic summary and I’m not even going to attempt to make this grammatically correct:
-Kyden is anemic, started on iron supplements, diet.
-Kyden’s teeth start “decaying” or so we think. Immediately get into dentist – turns out iron supplements can cause decay look in kids teeth. (One thing they don’t share with you as a parent).
-Kyden also has 12 teeth, not sure how or why but she has 12 teeth ha. Her 1st year molars that google says happens around 13-19 months, she cut before she was 1. This resulted in alot more sleepless nights of teething and earaches. The poor kid also may need tubes, which we’re waiting on the appointment for this but alot of sleeplessness is geared towards this.
-Lake Days at lake with friends and/or family and kids only turned in with a couple of owies. One lake day in particular reminded us that this stage of life is short, but very long all at the same time.
-Speaking of long days…quick trip to New Mexico to see family and friends turned into 2 of the 3 getting sick. Note to self: kids can still get sick while traveling, no matter how many fun things you have planned. After this stressful trip, I canned the idea of going on a quick trip to Florida before school. Semi-regretting that decision, but there’s plenty of adventures we can go on closer this year. As much as I’d love to throw kids in car and drive to Florida on a whim, it isn’t our season of life to do that this summer.
-Vet appointments for our two newest members, Evee gained 19 lbs in 30 days ha, Mac and her are so healthy and happy.
-Getting Zayden ready for Kindergarten – prayers appreciated. He is nervous and begging to be home-schooled, mainly because new things for him are a lot but he ends up loving the new things. So prepping, and letting him be involved in all the back to school things possible. If he still feels this way a few months in, we will reconsider it all, but hoping he finds good friends and his fun, safe space.
-Weddings, Proposals, Engagements, & Family Sessions are in full force, mainly for Jason but taking on that full time wife-a-ger role. lol
-Swim, Gymnastics, Dance, Ninja – I’m not sure who thought it was a good idea to get the kids involved in so many activities…it’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me. Ha. In all seriousness, we quit Dance because she was more interested in Gymnastics. Gymnastics for Ryken and Ninja for -Zayden are activities we will not be dropping anytime soon. They love every single thing about it.
-And somewhere in there, I turned 30-something, and Kyden turned ONE.

Life never stops. It is busy, and we are grateful. The trek we went through to get to this chaotic stage of life was definitely worth the struggle. So here we are trying to embrace this season of life with open arms. Enjoying the spilled drinks all over the floor, the melted suckers that somehow made into my vehicle, the sleepless nights of earaches, and late nights of some children wanting to stay up just for fun, something is on my shirt at all times, and trying NOT to get lost as a mom but being the best mom I could possibly imagine. Grateful for this stage.

3 Years

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3 years ago, I was having a baby in the midst of a pandemic. It was an odd time… We “self-quarantined” for week before going in to have her; we had 2 nurses that I don’t recall ever switching out; we saw no one in the hall the entire the entire time we were there. We were in and out of the hospital within 24 hours of having her and we didn’t have visitors for days after we got home. It was a dark start to what would be one of the brightest things in our lives. Ryken Spree you were exactly the little light we needed in a weird time. And not just for us, friends from India to US would say to not stop posting photos of her, because she made their day better. So smile after smile I continued to!

She continues to be a light (sometimes a rapid flashing light) 😂 but still a light. If she isn’t giving off a little sass, she’s smiling, giggling, or over exaggerating her expressions so you’re sure you know what she wants. She talks nonstop, most of the time telling us what to do or how to do it and it’s about 50/50 on the sweet vs sassy chart.

Ryken, you are the best big sister and best little sister all wrapped in one. You keep Zayden on his toes, cuddle with him, check on him when he’s hurt and you love to hug, squeeze, kiss, and share with Kyden. Although you are the sweetest you ensure to show your bold & confident side at home. They say your 2nd child is your wild child and I have no doubt you will live up to this hype. You are fearless, especially if someone questions you. You are confident, especially if someone thinks you need help. You are beautiful, inside and out. You make our life a happier place every single day and without you, I’m not sure where we or your siblings would be.

A few things I want to remember about you in this stage of life. Stomping your foot and walking away saying, “I’m frustrated, I don’t want to talk to you right now,” or “I’m angry, please leave me alone” or “I’m never talking to humans again,” are among some of your go to sayings when upset. You currently dream of being a ballerina, and request the ‘ballerina song’ and dance around the kitchen with your best ballerina moves (note, the ballerina song is some random rap song that says the word ballerina in it) 😂

Playing store, school or “mom” are your favorite games to play with Zayden and the neighbor kids. You have your own colorful, bold and bright style, wearing pink daily, princess dresses, bows (which we still call bones), light up shoes or rain boots are your go to style choices. Your sweet voice can quickly change to a loud “scary” voice when you’re being silly and your hugs could literally change the world.

Thank you for being our light sweet girl. Happy young, wild and THREE to you!

Vinson Life with 5

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Vinson family here, party of 5. At one point in our lives we never thought we would be where we are today!  But thankfully we are here and we are loving and living in chaos every single day.  We don’t know what we’re doing 90% of the time but we go with it and see where we end up.  It’s not saying we having made some questionable decisions like drive 11 hours with 3 under 5 😂😭 or we haven’t all had tantrums all at the same time but it’s been an incredible blessing to grow and watch our littles grow.

Zayden – he is still our sweet, long-haired boy. He loves his friends so much, and his sister most of the time and his littlest sister all the time, especially when she smiles at him.  He loves school and has been working on his reading. This summer we tried out baseball which was good but he was bored and said he didn’t want to play again but after it was over he asked if he could do it again 😂. He loves soccer but doesn’t like when they have to verse each other (aka he prefers avoiding the up close and personal kicking with others). His sweet soul doesn’t have much of a competitive bone in him.  He has been practicing riding his dirt bike and more recently his 4-wheeler, continue to love puzzles, coloring, art in general and helping me make food.  In the past few months he’s been loving being a gamer which has been pretty cute to watch. Zayden is our strong minded, rule follower! Halloween you were going to be a Creeper but decided to change your mind to Evee.

Ryken – your my little bull in a china shop. She’s our fireball that keeps us on our toes all the time. She is the sweetest and the orneriest at the same time. She loves princess everything, bones (aka bows) and anything sparkly! Petting animals and going to the zoo are her favorite things to do, exclaiming, “Oh they’re so cute!” She is full of love for her little sister and likes to play with her brother most days.  She is starting to make friends from her class and in the neighborhood and she’s my sugar lover. If there’s sugar in it, she is determined to find a way to get it.  Ryken is our sweet and fiesty big girl!  You are our middle child but there is no missing attention for you because you demand the attention! For Halloween you haven’t decided what you want to be but so far you’ve been a nice witch, supergirl, princess, and plans for a mermaid on Halloween night, basically you view every day as a dress up day and I’m here for it.

Kyden – oh sweet girl, you’re still too little to see how ornery you are going to be but currently you are calm, chill and appear to be a peacemaker in the family. You can make us all laugh, smile and get our attention with a quick roll over.  You are ready for whatever we throw at you. I know I’ve said it in every post about you but you are so sweet and have such a calm demeanor about you. You smile at most things with the sweetest smile I could ask for! I can’t wait to see how you continue to unfold… For Halloween you were Winnie the Pooh & will also be a dalmatian pup with your Cruella mama!

Needless to say Vinson, Party of 5 is loving this little life that we have. It’s stressful, it’s exhausting but it’s all so worth it.

3ish Months ❤️| Kyden Jade

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Oh sweet Ky, you continue to make our hearts more and more full.  You continue to be so calm and chill it blows me away.  You nap wherever and whenever, smile most of the time and just observant the rest. Your brother and sister are still obsessed with you, as well as a handful of neighbor kids, basically you do not go very many minutes not being held.

So far, you’ve gotten to meet your family on both sides, including great grandma Jackie! We’ve travelled to New Mexico, a couple of concerts, a hot air balloon fest, a huge play area in Tulsa, met NM & KS friends, enjoyed the lake multiple days, experienced your first 4th of July in the neighborhood and every little adventure in between. We couldn’t have asked for a more go with the flow girl than you! Lifting your head, rolling from tummy to back and back to tummy, attempting to sit up, basically whatever you have to do to see what is going on with the siblings or dogs, you’re bound and determined to do!

You are 98th percentile in height, off the charts in head size, and 40th percentile in weight. You’re perfect in any way we could imagine and we hope you always know this. Here’s to many more adventurous months and endless cuddles sweet girl!

Your Story – the beginning #3

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Sweet baby Kyden! You came into the world June 23, 2022 as peacefully as your little soul. The pregnancy was rough with more sickness the entire pregnancy than I experienced with the other two. You didn’t like me drinking coffee (not even decaf) and I soon banned Jason from going to 7Brew for a bit til that aversion passed. You loved me eating basically anything but also wanted me to feel sick most days. Thankful for zofran to help me through that last stage of pregnancy!

Back to your birth story, we went in the night before you were to come like we have for Zayden & Ryken and you wanted to come a little sooner than the other two but due to EVERYONE having babies that day and shortage of nurses, we had to make you wait about an hour to make your appearance. With the head of a little sweet giant and as long as I could have ever imagined, you are perfect just as God made you. We originally had some worries for your development, specifically your kidneys due to you having a one vessel umbilical cord BUT you showed us and powered through that. Thankfully an ultrasound showed no kidney issues, hearing tests and blood tests all looked good. You did have quite a bit of bilirubin in your system & rapid breathing, so we did have to bring some blue lights home and monitored you til that was out of your system. 5ish days later you were getting much closer to your normal self. We continued to monitor your quick heartbeat and rapid breathing for a few months but we don’t see any issues anymore, Praise God!

You were born with beautiful deep red birth marks above your eyes, we call it a built in eye shadow, some call it angel kisses. I have no doubt you multiple sibling angels giving you kisses the second they could. ❤️

Your brother and sister met you via phone call but they really fell in love with you the second they got to hold you. Zayden loves when you look at him and smile, and Ryken just loves having a baby sister. Ryken continues to ask me daily if you’re her baby sister, and when I tell her you are, she replies with an overly excited, “REALLY? AW, BABY SISTER.” And Zayden ensures you don’t go a day without knowing how cute you are, especially when your eyes are open! ❤️ You will never have a shortage of cheerleaders in your life.

Your little personality is very chill. You go with the flow, you don’t demand too much attention unless you’re tired or hungry and girl we all get that. I can’t wait to see how your calm demeanor unfolds in this chaos of a home you have been born into!

Less than 7 days

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A little overcome with emotion as I think there’s less than 7 days til we get to meet little Kyden Jade! And the emotion isn’t just coming from me, it also is coming from Zayden. Despite several attempts and explanations of how momma should be in and out of hospital, he does have a little apprehension about hospitals in general. He asked if he could just come with me, ha but to avoid being scarred for life I quickly told him that wasn’t possible. Lol.

In the past week or so, Zayden has been talking to Kyden, giving her kisses and hugging her when he hugs me! It is so sweet and I think he’s finally starting to realize another littles is coming. Ryken daily asks for HER baby to come and gets upset when she sees her baby dolls aren’t actually real 😂 Honestly, it will likely be the biggest change for her, but maybe she will adjust well. I mean, wishful thinking at least! Either way, I cannot wait to watch these two be the big siblings they were made to be! I fully anticipate more crying, laughing, stress and less sleep in our near future!

It’s a little bittersweet to have these last few days, knowing these are the last few days of being pregnant…ever again. There’s no possibility of any surprise pregnancies and we have chosen this was our last round of IVF for our sanity, budget, and just health in general. Every round of IVF takes a whole different toll on your body, hormones, emotions, weight, etc etc and it just isn’t in the plan for us. However, if I’ve learned anything during the past 8+ years, it is our “plans” and His plans do not always match up. We are so thankful for the support, encouragement and prayers over the years as our IVF journey comes to an end. We do plan to adopt one day; we do not know how or when that will happen, but we feel that has always been a path we want to pursue. As our family continues to grow, we will continue to share our journey of growing and learning.

A little update on the littles… Ryken is still as sassy as ever, a little dare devil, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind (to anyone). She has started school 2 days a week which she loves and goes in without any hesitation! She loves her baby dolls (most days), her doggies, despises car seats, plays kitchen and makes obstacles courses every day. Prefers to pick out her own outfit, shoes and likes to do everything “all by myself,” loves to cook with me and imitate anything her bubby does and says. She still “hides” by covering her eyes when she feels uncomfortable around strangers but is starting to be more open to others!

Zayden, still loves school and making friends. He continues to talk nonstop and teaches me things he’s learned. He still wants to be an astronaut and scientist. He has been begging to go to an Escape Room 😂 if that explains his personality at all! He has recently started loving to swim again, he went through a phase of not loving it but has been really into wearing his goggles and swimming any time he can. Every day there is a new “experiment” he has done, 99.9% of the time it is not something you would want to smell, taste or touch as it has every spice, soap or sanitizer in it, approach at your own risk.

Kyden, she was growing and 2.5 weeks ahead of schedule until recently her growth has slowed down and she has also dropped. Praying she continues to defy the odds of her 2 vessel possible restrictions and be big and strong. We have been doing non-stress test once a week the past 3 weeks to make sure she is doing what she needs to be and she continues to move around on the regular. Our plan for her is to make her entrance via induction next Thursday (06/23) unless she wants to do what she wants and decides to come earlier. If she does, we are praying it is not til Monday. Jason is currently traveling and we’d love for him to be back before then, but if we have learned anything over the years, it’s to roll with what God gives you, He will not give you more than you cannot take and our children never have been ones to follow the “plans” so we shall see right?

Hopefully our next update will have bitty baby photos attached!

11 Weeks To Go

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Where did my pregnancy go? On one hand, I definitely feel (and look) pregnant but I haven’t thought about being pregnant as much as I was able to the last two pregnancies. As someone that’s gone through infertility for years, that sounds crazy to say and I kind of feel bad for saying it because especially through infertility you cherish (and fear) every second of a pregnancy. However, my time, mental & physical energy go to the other two littles, let alone the husband, dogs, life, work, not to mention any random wildlife we try to keep alive in our backyard 😂 Basically saying, this pregnancy has long days but short months. We are at 29 weeks, and I have less than 11 weeks to go! How did this happen?

I’ve been sick off and on through this pregnancy but no complaints, just little uncomfortable here and there and little sleep, but I know the gift is so worth it. Little miss (name still being decided on by Ryken) is growing well, heart rate was 135-140 this week, and we got to see her beautiful face last week. Chubby cheeks and lots of sass already, and she looks a little like Ryken (no surprise there, she is technically her fraternal twin) – crazy to think right? Welcome to IVF and the incredible ability to freeze embryos. Little Miss has been growing well, despite the 2-vessel vs 3-vessel umbilical cord. My Dr says generally, they may slow down growth after 30ish weeks, so we will be doing a growth ultrasound in 2 weeks and monitoring her closely til she arrives!

We are ready…right? 😂 I mean, are you ever ready to add a little one to the family? Or are you ever ready to say goodbye to the last pregnancy you’ll ever have again?? I’m not going down this path mentally yet because I think that will be a little to undertake mentally, so I’ll touch on that sometime in the future. I get a little teary-eyed thinking about it even. So many years put into this journey and in less than 11 weeks that portion of our life is over. Pregnancy life ending soon or not, we know this was God’s purpose for us and are so grateful for each blessing we’ve had and will meet one day and for the 2 we have, cuddling now, and 1 on the way. We couldn’t be more grateful for this stressful, chaotic, wonderful family life we have been able build. ❤️

Next update coming in a couple of weeks when we see how Little Miss is growing, and maybe Ryken will have a name decided by then!

The Big 2 | Ryken

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I have tried to write this a couple times this past week and my mind can’t seem to grasp how in the world Ryken Spree is 2 today! I still remember the day after multiple miscarriages and we finally had made a pregnancy long enough to make an “announcement” just to find out a few weeks later we would have my last ectopic pregnancy. And now look at us…Zayden is 4.5 and Ryken is 2 and baby girl on the way. Our baby girl is 2 (even though she constantly reminds me she’s not Baby, she is Ryken). ❤️

Ryken is so incredibly sweet, loving, empathetic (which I didn’t know was a thing at that age but she is) and also a hell-raiser all in one. There’s not a day that goes by that Jason and I don’t exchange a look that says – how did she do that, keep a straight face, don’t give in and let her know that is kind of funny. 😂 Zayden, for the most part is a rule follower, so when this sweet, blue-eyed innocent girl doesn’t follow the rules then smiles and goes “Op, sorry mama..” and continues to break the rules, it floors me (in laughter most days). Although she loves to break the rules, she does love some things more…like her big brother – I think he’s her favorite. She loves any and all animals and will say, “Oh it’s SOOO CUTEEE” at even the most questionable animal. She also loves her baby dolls, anything soft and squishy she can carry around, baths, her big Ollie and little Charlie. And did I mention hugs? She will give you 15 hugs & 10 kisses in a matter of 5 seconds, and it’s the best.

Some of our favorite things she does… Dances to songs and TV shows.
Makes sure everyone knows which is “MY puppy”
When we tell her no or she doesn’t get her way, she will ask again in a super high pitched, innocent voice say, “Pleeeeeaaaase.”
The sassy & attitude-filled looks, although they can test you – I would much rather raise a child that will be a bold and fierce woman who isn’t ashamed to hold her ground (just if she could lighten up on her parents a little, that’d be helpful) 😂
She is one of the most independent child I know, always exclaiming, “No, I got it.”
She’s a straight up Popsicle Monster, she thinks she needs one all the time and some days I’m fine with a 3 popsicle type of day.
After every bath, she will walk out in her animal towel and try to scare you, but quickly explain,”It’s just me.” It’s probably my favorite thing.
Late night bed time singing – I mean, again can test you a little but also is the best.
Every time we start a prayer, she sings her prayer over us and if I try to explain its mom or dad’s turn to pray, she lowers her voice like she’s an adult and sings her prayer again. Zayden taught her this prayer he learned at school, so it’s always a pretty cute moment to see. Acting like a zombie or monster. Exclaiming she is little, but STRONG! That’s just to name a few of our favorites about our sweet girl!

Happy Big 2 Sweet Ryken! You are loved more than you can even imagine! We know this is your last few months to be the baby but that doesn’t mean you won’t always be the baby girl in our eyes.

20 weeks, 22 months, 4 years

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I don’t feel like writing today..but forcing myself, because I have a lot of items swirling in my head. It helps me personally to address my concerns to the interwebs of the world or whoever wants to read and get it out of my head space.  Also, I almost always feel guilty blogging nowadays, because I should be playing with the kids or reading a book with them in lieu of over here typing away not paying attention to them fully. It’s a weird mom guilt world out there, and I’m just living in it.

ANYWAYS, let’s start off with all the good things, then I’ll get to the rest…

Ryken – she is 22 months old this month and I just can’t wrap my head around her turning 2.  How and when did this happen?  I feel kind of sad, she’s only know this pandemic world, but she’s also been filled with a less full schedule of mom and dad being gone and more creativity at home. YES, we can go and travel and we did last month.  However, limitations and just wanting to stay healthy for us and others plays a big factor on what we do and don’t do. Like everyone else I’m sure, pre-covid, a simple runny nose wouldn’t have stopped me from going on a trip.  Now, post-covid world, I’m taking a test a day prior to us leaving the country to make sure we aren’t positive and will be A. getting others sick, and B. getting quarantined somewhere outside our home.  I says all this, and we went to Mexico last month and we did not have a negative test upon returning to the US, but along the way home in the airport or somewhere, we did all catch covid and were quarantined at home for a bit.  We all had mild cases in the big scheme of things with migraine-like headaches, fevers, etc but the kids just ate lots of popsicles and we upped the vitamins recommended and moved on.  This is a good thing, we had not gotten it and it was almost a breath of fresh air to just all get it at the same time and get over it.  I know not everyone is that fortunate, so we were counting our blessings for sure!

Back to Ryken – even in this covid world, she is still the light she was when she arrived on 04/06/2020.  And when I say light…SHE IS A BURST of light, like a firecracker but not just any firecracker – the commercial type ones that thousands of people go to watch. She gets your attention and she isn’t afraid of what you may think (unless you hurt her feelings by telling her no, then she does care what you think). Ha.  In all seriousness, she is such a sweet little girl and so, so ornery at the same time.  She can fool you with a quick grin and sweet giggle, so you have to be on your toes.  She not only gives Jason and I a run for our money, she does Zayden as well.  She still loves all the animals, anything and everything that even resembles an animal, she instantly loves it and of course has about 15 stuffed animals she likes to play with these days.  And she loves her baby dolls.  Every morning she asks where her baby is, and goes and wraps her up in a wash cloth, because I have yet to get her any baby doll blankets lol.  It’s pretty entertaining to watch.  I never really talk about how smart she is, I know with Zayden he was so book smart and LOVED to learn at a really early age.  She’s not really into doing workbooks or puzzles, learning colors or numbers like Zayden was, but she has learned those things.  And she is such a smart little girl.  She has a bit of a country accent (oops, she got that one from me), and some times I can’t always tell what she’s saying.  For example, she drew a picture and said it was a BAIL, mom it’s a BAIL, a BAIL.  I couldn’t figure it out and it looked like a triangle and I was still drawing a blank.  Finally, she sighs, rolls her eyes and says, “Ding dong, ding dong.”  A BELL!  A bell, yes, that IS a bell!  When Zayden was her age, he would just say the word over and over and get frustrated with me until I was able to distract him to something else OR I was able to figure it out.  Ryken wants me to figure it out and explores other ways that just saying it over and over til I get it.  It’s such a small thing but so funny how their minds work and work so differently. 

Onto my sweet boy, he’s still a sweetheart and loves his friends and cousins so much!  And when we pray for someone, he comes back a few days later and asks me how he/she is doing, like he’s really listening and involved in the prayers.  Sometimes I don’t know how much he hears, but he seems to hear and take in more than I think most days. We had a friend in the hospital with covid, pneumonia, lung damage, etc, etc, etc, for about 3 or maybe even 4 months and we prayed for this man a ton.  Zayden would ask to pray for him about every other day and we sent him a picture we colored to hopefully make his hospital room a little brighter.  Praise God he was able to come home YESTERDAY, so that was exciting to hear and Zayden thought that was pretty cool he got to leave the hospital when we weren’t sure if he would be able to or not.  Zayden has become a gamer. Ha, not that we love to do a lot of video games but it happens and I don’t even know how to play in the world he’s created, but he does and thankfully daddy does and gets roped into it too. He still loves soccer and plans to play in the spring, and he loves to keep us on our toes. I’m ALWAYS learning new things from him or googling things that he needs to know the answers to. Ha, anything about volcanoes, I now probably know the answer to.  Ask away, I got you and if not I’ll refer to Zayden because he does.

Baby V.  She doesn’t have a name yet, and we think we’ll let Ryken choose (if you remember Zayden got to choose Ryken).  However, not fully sure we can trust Ryken with this but we’ll give her a few to choose from and hope for the best!  If all else fails, mommy gets final say in the hospital. Ha, and I’ll let her choose the middle name.  If you’ve been around this ornery girl, you know what I mean.  Baby V is growing like she should be and her anatomy scan went well, with the exception of one scare (for me, they say it could be nothing but there’s always a chance so of course for any mom it is a scare).  Anyways, yesterday, we had our anatomy scan and all seemed well, but there’s a 1% chance in all pregnancies to have a 2 vessel cord in lieu of 3 vessel cord.  I never even knew it was a thing and of course, I have a 2-vessel cord.  Like I said, it may amount to nothing, but the biggest concern is making sure baby grows properly, specifically the kidneys.  If you’re interested, I can tell you more about what I know but google can tell you a few things as well.  Apparently, this is more common in white women over 25-check, check, multiple pregnancy (i.e. twins)-check, as we started this pregnancy with vanishing twin, and being pregnant with a girl-check, another item is high blood sugar, which I’ve never experienced, but will be ensuring my diet doesn’t allow that for the remainder of pregnancy (because who doesn’t need to cut out some sugar).  What does this mean?  Maybe nothing, or maybe that sweet girl has restricted or limited blood flow and could slow her growth.  Per several things I’ve read online (legitimate sources, not googling to scare myself but to be informed).   “2-3 out of 10 single umbilical artery pregnancies have health problems, including heart, kidney or digestion problems with genetic conditions.” 

SO, there’s that.  Like I said, so far she’s growing as she said and right on 20 weeks like I am. She doesn’t kick a ton but she does alligator rolls most of the day (if that tells us anything about her personality already) and there’s nothing we can really do.  Stressing about it isn’t going to get us anywhere, but praying about it and lifting her up will.  I say this all, but I will admit I found this out yesterday morning and the second I had a moment to myself I cried, a lot.  I thought, I should pray about this but I was a little too ticked off to.  How ridiculous to hear me say that BUT it’s the truth.  I was pissed.  I knew deep down we’ve had 2 easy pregnancies, some sickness here and there but overall it was a really easy pregnancy (once we got pregnant) and very easy delivery and recovery.  WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that we’d make it 3 easy pregnancies. I knew that, but I also have heard, oh your body has done this before, it’ll be a breeze this time.  Well, wake up call to Chasnie – your plans are not His plans.  Anyways, finally prayed last night about baby girl and about giving it to Him in lieu of stewing on it, stressing about it, and thinking the worst could happen.  In the end, whatever were to happen, we have a perfect little girl that is on track and growing fine right now.  She will be perfect no matter if there is a “defect” or not.  (I say in quotations “defect” as a medical term).  However, as a parent, your first inclination and probably inclination for life is you want your child healthy and to have a blessed life without complications, so of course, my first thought is to be upset, mad, worried, sad…and feel whatever I’m feeling right now.  But I’m fully aware, she will be perfect however she is, in the 2-3 chance out of 10 that physically she is not, she still is in our eyes and His eyes.  {Mini Rant: Some may read this as me being over the top, honestly I don’t even care anymore.  I’ve heard enough negative things over the years of IVF journey that it doesn’t seem to phase me and my thoughts.}  But this is how I process my fears, worries, and concerns.  It helps me get it out of my head and move forward and I absolutely believe in the power of prayer and I know some reading will lift her up to be a healthy sweet baby we get to meet in June!

Eh, I told you I didn’t want to write today but knew I needed to.  And I don’t exactly want to end on a mini rant (ha) so, I’m going to end on our trip to Mexico.  I mean, my blog has always been all over the place with my ADD writing….so why not finish strong here. 😊 

We got to take a little family trip (minus my sister’s family) to Puerto Vallarta.  It was Zayden’s second time in Mexico and Ryken’s first!  The 4 cousins had so much fun playing with each other, building sand castles, looking for crabs and shells, and just getting to hang out in the SUN somewhere.  It was such a nice little break from every day world and we thankfully felt really good and safe about traveling  and all stayed healthy while we were there. We had such an awesome view from our room that all of us were surprised to have and ate some delicious food and drinks.  Zayden’s favorite thing to do was probably swim up to the bar and order a “Virgin Apina Coladas” Virgin Pina Colada if you couldn’t figure it out.  And Ryken wasn’t real sure about the sand in her toes, but ended up enjoying building sand castles aka mounds of sand then stomping on them.  Travelling to and from was a little different than it used to be, but managed and really enjoyed the trip!  Thankful for our last out of the US trip before baby V comes!  Here’s to more adventures with 3 babies.