A little overcome with emotion as I think there’s less than 7 days til we get to meet little Kyden Jade! And the emotion isn’t just coming from me, it also is coming from Zayden. Despite several attempts and explanations of how momma should be in and out of hospital, he does have a little apprehension about hospitals in general. He asked if he could just come with me, ha but to avoid being scarred for life I quickly told him that wasn’t possible. Lol.
In the past week or so, Zayden has been talking to Kyden, giving her kisses and hugging her when he hugs me! It is so sweet and I think he’s finally starting to realize another littles is coming. Ryken daily asks for HER baby to come and gets upset when she sees her baby dolls aren’t actually real 😂 Honestly, it will likely be the biggest change for her, but maybe she will adjust well. I mean, wishful thinking at least! Either way, I cannot wait to watch these two be the big siblings they were made to be! I fully anticipate more crying, laughing, stress and less sleep in our near future!
It’s a little bittersweet to have these last few days, knowing these are the last few days of being pregnant…ever again. There’s no possibility of any surprise pregnancies and we have chosen this was our last round of IVF for our sanity, budget, and just health in general. Every round of IVF takes a whole different toll on your body, hormones, emotions, weight, etc etc and it just isn’t in the plan for us. However, if I’ve learned anything during the past 8+ years, it is our “plans” and His plans do not always match up. We are so thankful for the support, encouragement and prayers over the years as our IVF journey comes to an end. We do plan to adopt one day; we do not know how or when that will happen, but we feel that has always been a path we want to pursue. As our family continues to grow, we will continue to share our journey of growing and learning.
A little update on the littles… Ryken is still as sassy as ever, a little dare devil, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind (to anyone). She has started school 2 days a week which she loves and goes in without any hesitation! She loves her baby dolls (most days), her doggies, despises car seats, plays kitchen and makes obstacles courses every day. Prefers to pick out her own outfit, shoes and likes to do everything “all by myself,” loves to cook with me and imitate anything her bubby does and says. She still “hides” by covering her eyes when she feels uncomfortable around strangers but is starting to be more open to others!
Zayden, still loves school and making friends. He continues to talk nonstop and teaches me things he’s learned. He still wants to be an astronaut and scientist. He has been begging to go to an Escape Room 😂 if that explains his personality at all! He has recently started loving to swim again, he went through a phase of not loving it but has been really into wearing his goggles and swimming any time he can. Every day there is a new “experiment” he has done, 99.9% of the time it is not something you would want to smell, taste or touch as it has every spice, soap or sanitizer in it, approach at your own risk.
Kyden, she was growing and 2.5 weeks ahead of schedule until recently her growth has slowed down and she has also dropped. Praying she continues to defy the odds of her 2 vessel possible restrictions and be big and strong. We have been doing non-stress test once a week the past 3 weeks to make sure she is doing what she needs to be and she continues to move around on the regular. Our plan for her is to make her entrance via induction next Thursday (06/23) unless she wants to do what she wants and decides to come earlier. If she does, we are praying it is not til Monday. Jason is currently traveling and we’d love for him to be back before then, but if we have learned anything over the years, it’s to roll with what God gives you, He will not give you more than you cannot take and our children never have been ones to follow the “plans” so we shall see right?
Hopefully our next update will have bitty baby photos attached!
Where did my pregnancy go? On one hand, I definitely feel (and look) pregnant but I haven’t thought about being pregnant as much as I was able to the last two pregnancies. As someone that’s gone through infertility for years, that sounds crazy to say and I kind of feel bad for saying it because especially through infertility you cherish (and fear) every second of a pregnancy. However, my time, mental & physical energy go to the other two littles, let alone the husband, dogs, life, work, not to mention any random wildlife we try to keep alive in our backyard 😂 Basically saying, this pregnancy has long days but short months. We are at 29 weeks, and I have less than 11 weeks to go! How did this happen?
I’ve been sick off and on through this pregnancy but no complaints, just little uncomfortable here and there and little sleep, but I know the gift is so worth it. Little miss (name still being decided on by Ryken) is growing well, heart rate was 135-140 this week, and we got to see her beautiful face last week. Chubby cheeks and lots of sass already, and she looks a little like Ryken (no surprise there, she is technically her fraternal twin) – crazy to think right? Welcome to IVF and the incredible ability to freeze embryos. Little Miss has been growing well, despite the 2-vessel vs 3-vessel umbilical cord. My Dr says generally, they may slow down growth after 30ish weeks, so we will be doing a growth ultrasound in 2 weeks and monitoring her closely til she arrives!
We are ready…right? 😂 I mean, are you ever ready to add a little one to the family? Or are you ever ready to say goodbye to the last pregnancy you’ll ever have again?? I’m not going down this path mentally yet because I think that will be a little to undertake mentally, so I’ll touch on that sometime in the future. I get a little teary-eyed thinking about it even. So many years put into this journey and in less than 11 weeks that portion of our life is over. Pregnancy life ending soon or not, we know this was God’s purpose for us and are so grateful for each blessing we’ve had and will meet one day and for the 2 we have, cuddling now, and 1 on the way. We couldn’t be more grateful for this stressful, chaotic, wonderful family life we have been able build. ❤️
Next update coming in a couple of weeks when we see how Little Miss is growing, and maybe Ryken will have a name decided by then!
I don’t feel like writing today..but forcing myself, because I have a lot of items swirling in my head. It helps me personally to address my concerns to the interwebs of the world or whoever wants to read and get it out of my head space. Also, I almost always feel guilty blogging nowadays, because I should be playing with the kids or reading a book with them in lieu of over here typing away not paying attention to them fully. It’s a weird mom guilt world out there, and I’m just living in it.
ANYWAYS, let’s start off with all the good things, then I’ll get to the rest…
Ryken – she is 22 months old this month and I just can’t wrap my head around her turning 2. How and when did this happen? I feel kind of sad, she’s only know this pandemic world, but she’s also been filled with a less full schedule of mom and dad being gone and more creativity at home. YES, we can go and travel and we did last month. However, limitations and just wanting to stay healthy for us and others plays a big factor on what we do and don’t do. Like everyone else I’m sure, pre-covid, a simple runny nose wouldn’t have stopped me from going on a trip. Now, post-covid world, I’m taking a test a day prior to us leaving the country to make sure we aren’t positive and will be A. getting others sick, and B. getting quarantined somewhere outside our home. I says all this, and we went to Mexico last month and we did not have a negative test upon returning to the US, but along the way home in the airport or somewhere, we did all catch covid and were quarantined at home for a bit. We all had mild cases in the big scheme of things with migraine-like headaches, fevers, etc but the kids just ate lots of popsicles and we upped the vitamins recommended and moved on. This is a good thing, we had not gotten it and it was almost a breath of fresh air to just all get it at the same time and get over it. I know not everyone is that fortunate, so we were counting our blessings for sure!
Back to Ryken – even in this covid world, she is still the light she was when she arrived on 04/06/2020. And when I say light…SHE IS A BURST of light, like a firecracker but not just any firecracker – the commercial type ones that thousands of people go to watch. She gets your attention and she isn’t afraid of what you may think (unless you hurt her feelings by telling her no, then she does care what you think). Ha. In all seriousness, she is such a sweet little girl and so, so ornery at the same time. She can fool you with a quick grin and sweet giggle, so you have to be on your toes. She not only gives Jason and I a run for our money, she does Zayden as well. She still loves all the animals, anything and everything that even resembles an animal, she instantly loves it and of course has about 15 stuffed animals she likes to play with these days. And she loves her baby dolls. Every morning she asks where her baby is, and goes and wraps her up in a wash cloth, because I have yet to get her any baby doll blankets lol. It’s pretty entertaining to watch. I never really talk about how smart she is, I know with Zayden he was so book smart and LOVED to learn at a really early age. She’s not really into doing workbooks or puzzles, learning colors or numbers like Zayden was, but she has learned those things. And she is such a smart little girl. She has a bit of a country accent (oops, she got that one from me), and some times I can’t always tell what she’s saying. For example, she drew a picture and said it was a BAIL, mom it’s a BAIL, a BAIL. I couldn’t figure it out and it looked like a triangle and I was still drawing a blank. Finally, she sighs, rolls her eyes and says, “Ding dong, ding dong.” A BELL! A bell, yes, that IS a bell! When Zayden was her age, he would just say the word over and over and get frustrated with me until I was able to distract him to something else OR I was able to figure it out. Ryken wants me to figure it out and explores other ways that just saying it over and over til I get it. It’s such a small thing but so funny how their minds work and work so differently.
Onto my sweet boy, he’s still a sweetheart and loves his friends and cousins so much! And when we pray for someone, he comes back a few days later and asks me how he/she is doing, like he’s really listening and involved in the prayers. Sometimes I don’t know how much he hears, but he seems to hear and take in more than I think most days. We had a friend in the hospital with covid, pneumonia, lung damage, etc, etc, etc, for about 3 or maybe even 4 months and we prayed for this man a ton. Zayden would ask to pray for him about every other day and we sent him a picture we colored to hopefully make his hospital room a little brighter. Praise God he was able to come home YESTERDAY, so that was exciting to hear and Zayden thought that was pretty cool he got to leave the hospital when we weren’t sure if he would be able to or not. Zayden has become a gamer. Ha, not that we love to do a lot of video games but it happens and I don’t even know how to play in the world he’s created, but he does and thankfully daddy does and gets roped into it too. He still loves soccer and plans to play in the spring, and he loves to keep us on our toes. I’m ALWAYS learning new things from him or googling things that he needs to know the answers to. Ha, anything about volcanoes, I now probably know the answer to. Ask away, I got you and if not I’ll refer to Zayden because he does.
Baby V. She doesn’t have a name yet, and we think we’ll let Ryken choose (if you remember Zayden got to choose Ryken). However, not fully sure we can trust Ryken with this but we’ll give her a few to choose from and hope for the best! If all else fails, mommy gets final say in the hospital. Ha, and I’ll let her choose the middle name. If you’ve been around this ornery girl, you know what I mean. Baby V is growing like she should be and her anatomy scan went well, with the exception of one scare (for me, they say it could be nothing but there’s always a chance so of course for any mom it is a scare). Anyways, yesterday, we had our anatomy scan and all seemed well, but there’s a 1% chance in all pregnancies to have a 2 vessel cord in lieu of 3 vessel cord. I never even knew it was a thing and of course, I have a 2-vessel cord. Like I said, it may amount to nothing, but the biggest concern is making sure baby grows properly, specifically the kidneys. If you’re interested, I can tell you more about what I know but google can tell you a few things as well. Apparently, this is more common in white women over 25-check, check, multiple pregnancy (i.e. twins)-check, as we started this pregnancy with vanishing twin, and being pregnant with a girl-check, another item is high blood sugar, which I’ve never experienced, but will be ensuring my diet doesn’t allow that for the remainder of pregnancy (because who doesn’t need to cut out some sugar). What does this mean? Maybe nothing, or maybe that sweet girl has restricted or limited blood flow and could slow her growth. Per several things I’ve read online (legitimate sources, not googling to scare myself but to be informed). “2-3 out of 10 single umbilical artery pregnancies have health problems, including heart, kidney or digestion problems with genetic conditions.”
SO, there’s that. Like I said, so far she’s growing as she said and right on 20 weeks like I am. She doesn’t kick a ton but she does alligator rolls most of the day (if that tells us anything about her personality already) and there’s nothing we can really do. Stressing about it isn’t going to get us anywhere, but praying about it and lifting her up will. I say this all, but I will admit I found this out yesterday morning and the second I had a moment to myself I cried, a lot. I thought, I should pray about this but I was a little too ticked off to. How ridiculous to hear me say that BUT it’s the truth. I was pissed. I knew deep down we’ve had 2 easy pregnancies, some sickness here and there but overall it was a really easy pregnancy (once we got pregnant) and very easy delivery and recovery. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that we’d make it 3 easy pregnancies. I knew that, but I also have heard, oh your body has done this before, it’ll be a breeze this time. Well, wake up call to Chasnie – your plans are not His plans. Anyways, finally prayed last night about baby girl and about giving it to Him in lieu of stewing on it, stressing about it, and thinking the worst could happen. In the end, whatever were to happen, we have a perfect little girl that is on track and growing fine right now. She will be perfect no matter if there is a “defect” or not. (I say in quotations “defect” as a medical term). However, as a parent, your first inclination and probably inclination for life is you want your child healthy and to have a blessed life without complications, so of course, my first thought is to be upset, mad, worried, sad…and feel whatever I’m feeling right now. But I’m fully aware, she will be perfect however she is, in the 2-3 chance out of 10 that physically she is not, she still is in our eyes and His eyes. {Mini Rant: Some may read this as me being over the top, honestly I don’t even care anymore. I’ve heard enough negative things over the years of IVF journey that it doesn’t seem to phase me and my thoughts.} But this is how I process my fears, worries, and concerns. It helps me get it out of my head and move forward and I absolutely believe in the power of prayer and I know some reading will lift her up to be a healthy sweet baby we get to meet in June!
Eh, I told you I didn’t want to write today but knew I needed to. And I don’t exactly want to end on a mini rant (ha) so, I’m going to end on our trip to Mexico. I mean, my blog has always been all over the place with my ADD writing….so why not finish strong here. 😊
We got to take a little family trip (minus my sister’s family) to Puerto Vallarta. It was Zayden’s second time in Mexico and Ryken’s first! The 4 cousins had so much fun playing with each other, building sand castles, looking for crabs and shells, and just getting to hang out in the SUN somewhere. It was such a nice little break from every day world and we thankfully felt really good and safe about traveling and all stayed healthy while we were there. We had such an awesome view from our room that all of us were surprised to have and ate some delicious food and drinks. Zayden’s favorite thing to do was probably swim up to the bar and order a “Virgin Apina Coladas” Virgin Pina Colada if you couldn’t figure it out. And Ryken wasn’t real sure about the sand in her toes, but ended up enjoying building sand castles aka mounds of sand then stomping on them. Travelling to and from was a little different than it used to be, but managed and really enjoyed the trip! Thankful for our last out of the US trip before baby V comes! Here’s to more adventures with 3 babies.
I had no intention of posting again til after little sis was born, but this blog started with our infertility journey to Zayden and I want to continue to document our journey for both of them. So, I have to document this chaos happening in today’s world and what it’s like pregnant and for a toddler.
Zayden doesn’t really get what’s going on, I mean he’s 2 ha, but it has affected his every day life (in a very minimal way). He misses his buddy Hayden and we have been keeping our distance from neighbors and no one has come into the house besides his (also isolated) nanny some days. He doesn’t understand why he can’t see his Gammie and Papaw and he definitely wants to see his Uncle Will, Aunt, B, and Lima but has been content enough with video calls for the time being. No parks, no swimming at Bentonville Community Center, no shopping at Target (this kid may not love shopping at Target, but LOVES LOVES running the aisles). In fact, he loves it so much, we used to take him there purely to burn off energy and for no real reason of actually getting anything. Ha. #parentsconfessions No traveling to the lake or to play with his cousins and no church class. So life in his eyes has been more limited, but it also has given him his momma and daddy time, which is all he’s really concerned with.
This time has been filled with lots of painting, coloring chalk all over the driveway and a little on the garage door. So many walks around the neighborhood, looking for worms and puddles to splash in, and playing in the backyard with the dogs, etc. Thankfully, this pandemic has come at a time where we want to be home more with Zayden anyways and I’ve limited my work significantly being in the 9th month of pregnancy. However, knowing I was going to spend more time at home doesn’t make it less difficult finding ways to keep a toddler entertained easily day in and day out. When we have a rough morning of meltdowns, we get discouraged about not having enough to do, but quickly reminded all you really need is that love from the parents to get you through the tougher times. And we are grateful we are able to be there for him.
Of course this has affected our daily activities and chores as well, like never did I think I’d be wiping down our groceries before bringing them into the house or going days upon days without seeing my family (for those than know us, that’s really surprising), nor did I think we wouldn’t be allowing anyone into the house after sis is born for awhile and this has been new adjustment. And I didn’t think we’d be postponing weddings/sessions left and right due to restrictions. Yet, my mind is set to be thankful. Thankful for this pandemic and more time to spend with Zayden. Of course, I’m not thankful for how the economy is being affected, lives are being lost, people starting to turn on each other over TP or more hate crimes because they think another race is purposefully trying to spread the virus, or parents and individuals are experiencing firsts in a way they never thought they’d have to. But this has given us time to step back and really embrace being in the moments and not being caught up in the hustle and bustle of being here or there. And just taking the moments to breathe in (cautiously and within a safe distance from everyone else) and being present.
Continuing prayers for everyone, especially all the soon to be parents are healthy and those sweet babes are being born healthy, the immunocompromised, and those on the front lines during this difficult time. And lifting up those that have lost loved ones. I never imagined experiencing something like this, but we are in it and hoping for an end soon. Til then, enjoying our sweet baby boy and last few days before we become a family of four.
Also – if you’re interested in following Zayden’s journey during this quarantined lifestyle – here’s a few images or follow his Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/zaydengray/
Where do I start? Every day I think about being pregnant and “quarantined” I think about how weird of a time it is to be pregnant. I mean, it’s a weird time for everyone right now but I’m going to just speak as a pregnant mama during this Covid19 world. Did you know some states aren’t allowing spouses or a support system to be in the same room during delivery? Did you know most or maybe all states by now are ONLY letting 1 spouse/support system in the room? Or that no visitors whatsoever are allowed in? No siblings, grandparents, friends or family are allowed to visit the baby in the hospital. It’s a change to keep us all safe, obviously, so I have no qualms about it, but it’s a little sad too. In addition, we are limiting grandparents or anyone in the house to no one, unless they’ve been self-quarantined for 14 days themselves.
Daily, I go through a range of emotions from worried, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, baffled, and the emotions go on and on. Of those emotions I experience regularly, very minimal times do my emotions reflect excited, happy, upbeat, and peaceful. Blessed, absolutely, I feel that every single day. However, this current environment is stripping my excitement and peace as each day goes by. We’ve gone through what we believe is every possible scenario of how this delivery could play out that we can think of. I know we don’t know what’s to come but we can attempt to be as prepared as possible.
Scenario 1: We have baby girl easily and without a hitch! Jason is in the room, baby and mom are healthy and get sent home quickly. Zayden is taken care of by my sis while we’re gone. This is the scenario we are praying for!
Scenario 2: Jason isn’t allowed in the hospital room and misses the birth of his 2nd child. I labor/deliver on my own. Jason takes care of Zayden, mom and baby girl are healthy and released home quickly.
Scenario 3: One of us tests positive for Covid-19. We are isolated from baby until she tests negative/positive. If negative, we isolate positive person at home, while the negative person(s) isolate elsewhere.
Scenario 4: Z gets sick & tests positive, none of the rest of us do. We quarantine baby sis and me elsewhere while Jason quarantines with Z at home.
Scenario 5: All of us get it besides baby sis. My mom and sister will hopefully be healthy and take turns caring for sis til we are allowed to see her. This is the scenario I am fearing the most. Not that my mom and sister aren’t fully capable of loving and handling baby sis on their own, but it’s more germs to be exposed to and to be forced away from your newborn child is a very unnerving thought.
Scenario 6: We all get sick and test positive for Covid-19 and we all quarantined at home. Honestly, if we are all healthy enough to not have huge issues with the virus, I would prefer this over isolating any of us from another. So I guess surprisingly this is the most ideal scenario after 1 & 2.
Scenario 7: Our hospitals become overwhelmed and I’ll not be able to birth in hospital. Let’s not even go into this one because it’s so far out of my head at the moment. A possibility, yes, but not something I want to think about at the moment.
Scenario 8: We have labor & delivery complications with me or baby sis. I’m not allowing myself to go down this road mentally, so we’ll leave it at that.
I truly despise that my mind even goes to any of this….but in this world, we have to go through these scenarios and create plans and back up plans. We simply do not know what to expect and it’s way beyond what we had to think about last time around. With Zayden, the only thing we planned for is making sure our dogs were taken care of while we were in the hospital. I’m sure some may think this is all extreme, honestly I don’t care what they may think, because we’re just doing what’s best for our kiddos and until you’re in this situation then I don’t know you’ve fully grasp it.
These scenarios continue to weigh heavily on me day and night. Being isolated from Zayden or baby sis will be one of the toughest things we’ve ever had to do, and let’ me remind you we went through 6+ years of infertility, multiple surgeries, miscarriages after miscarriages and IVF twice, so that’s kind of saying something lol To be isolated from either of them is what scares us the most..
To end this, I’ll give you a little update on where we are baby wise. Baby sis still doesn’t have a name yet, but we are considering Zayden’s latest suggestion of Princess Sissy. She seems to be doing good with a healthy heartbeat and moving a ton still. Dilated to a 3 (whoa – we never got this far with Zayden without being induced), and we have an induction date scheduled for 04/06 unless she comes before. 🙂 Finding this out earlier today brought tears to my eyes because it makes this all just a little more real.
Here’s to this new norm that we’re adjusting to and hopefully just a little more than a week before little sis arrives! And while we wait, we continue to soak up every minute possible with Zayden. Jason has been thankfully capturing photos every single day and sharing them on our facebook in case you want a cute little pick me up. 🙂
Praying for all those expecting mamas out there that are experiencing the ups and downs of their pregnancies. Hoping for peace and safe & healthy deliveries!
What a weird world we’re living in right now… Weird as in eery and questionable. Being 37 weeks pregnant is interesting. I generally am not a germaphobe. We wash our hands, hand sanitize regularly and try not to lick walls, but some of us in the family can’t always abide by these general common sense rules. Zayden finds it hard to work within these rules when he is playing pretend kitty cat. Anyways, when the CDC and my Dr. recommend isolating yourself and you find out you’ll be separated from baby girl if you get COVID-19, things start to hit the nerves a little more than I wanted.
I went in for 37 week check up this morning, greeted at the door to answer questions and have my temperature taken. All precautions I appreciate being done to keep me as well as others safe, but my fear was slightly heightened after walking by the closed offices with health warning signs on the doors. Thankfully, my Dr office is taking every precaution and limiting the number of people in the office, delaying appointments that aren’t absolutely necessary and encouraging patients to come by themselves and not to mention getting people in and out as quickly as possible. That all said, I’m dilated to a 1, which doesn’t mean a ton to me because with Zayden I was dilated at a 1 for 3 weeks maybe? Ha. Little sis is always extremely comfy and hasn’t dropped yet, so she may be content for a bit! Likely, around end of 39 weeks we may induce, like we did with Zayden!
Although, it’s not how I envisioned the end of this pregnancy going. I planned on nesting yes but being able to get last minute items for baby sis like most procrastinators like myself need time for. We planned for Zayden coming to the hospital, meeting her and actually picking her name. And we also didn’t stress about getting sick or not. Now, we are isolated in the home, Zayden (or anyone besides Jason) doesn’t get to visit in the hospital, and unfortunately, if either of us gets sick with COVID, we have to stay away from baby until better. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE PLANNED. Which is laughable to an extent, because I know planning never happens as we aren’t in control, but my heart breaks a little with these extra precautions and fears that come up every day. What you can do – pray just for this virus to slow down and we all stay healthy and away from it, not just me, all of us. Of course, I know that if it does happen and I or Jason have to be isolated from baby, we will survive (physically, mentally is a different story) and we know that there are much bigger cases and issues going on in the world that us, but the first moments with our sweet baby girl we don’t want to see her being wheeled away to be isolated from us.
Hopefully, my next update is baby sis will be here and healthy! But in the meantime, I’ll leave you with these sweet maternity photos by none other than, Vinson Images
Ps. Zayden still can’t decide between the names Brexton, Becklee, Ryken or Baby Box.
I feel a little guilty, which is exactly what most of this pregnancy has felt like. From what I hear, that’s just what mom life is all about, trying to find balance and dealing with the guilt that comes with unbalanced lifestyle. You’re either too tired to play with your very excited toddler or you’re busy trying to do things and can’t take a second to just breathe for yourself. It’s a continuous battle with yourself, but I’d rather do this battle every day than what we were doing for 6+ years prior to having Z. Here’s how life has been going so far!
I’m 30 weeks. Baby girl is measuring on time, appears to be healthy and has a good healthy heart rate, so we are praying she continues to. She’s ACTIVE. I’m talking about the good Lord has combined my energy (pre-pregnancy) and Jason’s ridiculousness and created this little being that kicks and punches all day and all night long. Zayden was a very chill little boy in the womb and she’s the opposite. Ha, as I typed this I got a good jab, as if she knows I’m talking about her. Thankful for those little (and big) jabs every day though.
Zayden is finally over the thought of us having a baby shark vs an actual baby. He also gives baby sissy kisses almost daily but REFUSES to feel her kick. When I try to pull my shirt up over the belly and show him kicks, he covers my belly back up and says, “No Mama.” Maybe he’s not quite ready for sissy to get here yet. Speaking of “Sissy” we have yet to decide on a name. Feel free to give your input with the ones we have picked out or new suggestions! 🙂 So far, we’ve narrowed it down to Ryken, Becklee, Becklenn or Brexton and we have a middle name of Spree already picked out (thanks Aunt B for sharing your middle name with us). Ryken is Zayden’s favorite or he’s open to the name “Sissy Beck” but that’s about as much as he’s willing to compromise on the name, so we shall see! Like I said, feel free to throw your suggestions out there as we’re just not sold on anything yet.
As far as our little Zman – he’s still as awesome as he’s ever been. He’s a little smarty pants for sure. Since he’s mastered his ABCs awhile ago, he now likes to just say them as fast as possible before someone chimes in and if we interrupt him, he likes to start all over. He also can count to 50, which Jason is not the happiest about as he does push ups with Zayden and when Zayden decided one day to go over 30, Jason just wasn’t fully prepared to keep doing the pushups lol. I fully plan to get him to 100 by age 3, but we have plenty of time for this.
*Puzzles & Books he still loves. That kid can seriously race us with puzzles and likely win every time.
*PJ Masks (Catboy, Owlet, and Gecko), Ninja Turtles, Spiderman & most recently Daniel the Tiger are some of his favorite shows to watch. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t even have any shows anymore because when we are watching shows, it’s usually something he enjoys.
*He still loves Wall-E, Frozen and Polar Express movies.
Jumping, running, crashing, building, running, jumping and hide & seek are some of his favorite things to do.
*He has moved from calling me Mom-Mom to Mommy and occasionally when he’s trying to be funny, he calls us Mom & Dad. It’s too grown up for me to take seriously.
*Lima (aka Liam, his cousin) is his bff. We recently went on vacation with them for a week and he started calling him Lima which likely will stick with him for life and he now asks to hang out with him every day. 🙂 Love that sweet cousin love.
*Speaking of vacation, we’ve added Bahamas to his list of places he’s visited and knocked off another stamp on his passport, making that 2 out of the country travels in 2 years!
*He’s really interested in this Kid Bible app on my phone – I only let him play on it once a day for 2 Bible stories and I honestly thought he wasn’t retaining any of the stories at all, but after you listen to the stories so many times, he surprisingly knows them and that just warms my heart to know he’s willing to listen and take those stories in. His favorites at the moment are Daniel in the Lion’s Den, Samson, Noah’s Ark (aka the “rainbone” story) and the house being built on the rock vs the sand. I’m pretty sure the last story he only likes because he likes that the wave crashes and destroys the house on the sand – ha, but it’s pretty great to watch him listen to those!
*His daddy is starting to win the favorite award every day. He used to be all mommy, but mom’s a bit more tired than normal and can’t put him on my back all the time, so dad’s been winning the favorite award more than I have recently.
*Zayden got a big boy bed, that he seems to be loving. I do sleep in it half the time with him, but it’s much more room than sharing King bed with Jason, baby girl and Charlie lol. So we will get what we can take.
*His favorite pup has changed from Della to Ollie, because Ollie actually likes to play with him and Della is just not as fast as she used to be.
*Water guns & Rawrs (aka dinosaurs) in the bathtubs are still our go to every bath.
*Food is still a toss up. He loves things one day and doesn’t the next – this is a constant struggle, but we’re rolling with it. I’ve attempted every tip, but I just have to remind myself it’s a phase and this too shall pass.
*He still loves to cook with his mommy, especially if it’s something he can taste as we go. He loves to ask me, “Momma, I like it?” lick his lips then looks at me like can I try it yet. Brownies, muffins, and waffles have been some of our favorites to make..or anything that he can mix basically.
*We have nightmares and I think that’s something that we just will be dealing with for awhile. He wakes up at least once a night scared of something that he’ll try to tell me about – it usually has something to do with a toy or someone he knows but never can get a full story from him before I get him to calm down and fall back asleep. We have active imaginations in our family, so I can only imagine it’ll stick around for awhile.
We are loving every minute we can soak in with little man. He’s really pretty chill and calm mostly, but has his moments but they are pretty few and far between and usually because he’s hangry or tired. Yet, I take these moments over anything we’ve had pre-Zayden. Life is different, much different but so so good. We are going to embrace all we can in the next 10 weeks before sissy gets here. Thankful for prayers for healthy babies and thankful for this place we are in life.
Leaving with you with a few favorites from vacation:
This week marks 8 weeks & the last injection I plan to take on this (or any) IVF journey. Maybe the future will hold another IVF journey, but at this moment in our life, this time around was exhausting and brutal enough that I think we’d like this week to be our last injection ever.
This last injection marks a significant amount of anxiety and an abundance of letting go of control. Progesterone (the only injection I’m currently on) is like a safety net in my mind. It’s what keeps my pregnancy viable (whether that’s partly true or not true at all, that’s how I think). Every time we’ve done IVF it’s been successful, every time we haven’t it hasn’t been successful…do you get my thought process? I know that there’s way more to this than daily injections, there’s a Maker that has a bigger plan than what a silly injection can do every day. So, this last injection marks my letting go of control. Not that I have any control, but it’s the one thing I can consciously do that I know is healthy for baby. Like I know that that ice cream Sundae I had for lunch may not have been the best option, but I also know that progesterone shot every night is just an added pick up for that sweet baby growing. So this week I’ve been working on these anxieties and letting go.
This photo is actually from last IVF journey, but still depicts exactly how we both feel about injections every day.
I thought when I started writing this, that I would be saying this whole experience has been bittersweet, but really I’m just grateful. I’m grateful for the experience and being able to share with people. Grateful that both times we’ve done IVF we were successful (this isn’t very common and to say we’re grateful it has worked is an vast understatement). Grateful for the sickness, it reminds me that little one is growing. Grateful we had the small glimpse that we had 2 babies this time around but 1 littles didn’t make it. Don’t read that wrong, we are sad that we lost 1 and honestly I don’t think I’ve fully processed it yet, but grateful we even had the opportunity to have 2 is pretty freaking amazing. Grateful my body isn’t too old yet to get through this (and I’m pretty sure I’m pushing the limits here! ha). Grateful for the support of so many people checking on us, getting us through the days, or just knowing they are there! Grateful to a total stranger for giving me her extra bottle of progesterone because I forgot to order mine in time. I mean…they say it takes a village to raise children. It takes a whole state to get someone through an IVF journey (a successful one), it takes more like a damn country to get someone through an unsuccessful IVF journey. To say we’re grateful doesn’t truly describe how we feel.
Even half way through, I’m still a little hesitant to write this blog because it’s still so early. We’ve been at this exact stage in multiple pregnancies before and I regretted telling people our good news, just to turnaround and tell them that we lost a little ones. So I am a little reserved to tell my mom how many weeks we are (almost every time I see her she asks lol), and I’m a little unsure on publishing this blog, and when people ask how things are going, I’m just now feeling comfortable enough to smile and tell them it’s going good. But here’s the thing. I started this whole blog over 2 years ago because I was trying to be open and honest about infertility journey. For myself, it’s almost therapeutic, but also for others. I can’t count the number of people who have reached out to me (from all over the world) that read my blog or our story and had questions, gave support, and/or asked for prayers for their journey. So sharing this great news too early is part of the journey. I’m not saying it isn’t scary…it’s scary and it’s exciting all at the same time. But I need to do it. Jason, probably more so than me, doesn’t feel like it’s “real” yet and I have my moments on whether it is real or not. But it is…it’s real if it’s successful or not. We have a little one growing right now and we are hoping to bring this little one into the world and be the best sibling possible for Zayden. Speaking of Mr. Zayden….we’ve asked him a few times over the past few weeks if he wants another baby. He doesn’t want me to have a baby most days, some days he wants to have a baby just for himself, and this week he decided he wants a “Bubba” instead of a “Sissy.” He also thinks there’s a baby hiding inside of my belly button and tries to find it….he’ll figure it out eventually (I hope).
Anyways, I guess I don’t know exactly where I was going with this post, besides giving a nonchalant way of telling people our good news. Yes, IVF did work but also sharing it doesn’t mean we will end up with a happy ending. We are praying everything goes so well, and we are thankful for where we are at this point and we are hoping that we don’t have to come back and tell everyone we lost a little one, but we are putting trust in God and knowing “He has this.”
Friends (or strangers) – if you’re going through this or something similar and you don’t want to share with the world….I’m here for ya. Don’t hesitate to reach out. Talking it out will go such a long ways. Whatever you do, don’t let those anxieties and fears creep in over you. And if you do feel comfortable, share with others…you’d be amazed by the number of people watching you through your journey.
“Happy Implantation Day!” a sweet friend text me this week. I thought to myself, wait is that my implantation day in 2017, did I forget about it, was I blocking that day and it’s chaos? Her question encouraged me to look back on that day and remind myself what I was feeling. So I did. I didn’t read it all the way through because I had errands to run and it was sad and my emotions were coming back to me and I just couldn’t right then.
The day continues and our sick little guy ended up not sleeping basically from 1:30-4 this morning. He can’t sleep unless I’m holding him, I can’t sleep unless I’m not holding him. So there we are, me holding him and wishing I was just getting some sleep. I found myself a little irritated and finally I just said, “Hey God.. I am thankful for a crying baby. I am grateful for my lack of sleep because it means we have him. So thank you.”
I was the reminded about the implantation day text so early this morning, I went back through my blog and found 2 posts from 02/15/17. Implantation Day. Countless shots, medications, and lots of tears and we finally reached this day. It was nerve-wracking to say the least. I’ve posted the 2 blogs from that day below for you to read if interested but my emotions were all over the place and my summary is below:
Receive a call first thing on implantation day and all embryos are poor quality and they weren’t sure any of them would make it. My faith, patience, emotions were shattered.
Wait. Wait. Wait a few hours to see if we can even implant any.
Receive another call to come in and we will transfer the best 2 if we wanted to but basically don’t give your hopes up because they have such a poor rating they can’t rate them.
My faith still shattered, but I prayed.
Go in to the Dr. and we put in the best 2. It was so difficult to not cry but I sucked it up and held it in. Made it through the appointment and literally did nothing for the rest of the day. I was upset and defeated but I knew I needed to trust God.
It was a rollercoaster of emotions, my faith was shattered more than a couple of times, my frustration had overcome me more times than I can count, but on the other side we have one sweet, amazing, strong, a little crazy, cuddliest, orneriest toddler that you can imagine. So I will continue to love those sleepless nights and I will watch all the episodes of Curious George for the 18th time (literally what we are watching right now, I guess it’s better than Baby Shark -I even whispered Baby Shark in my head, just in case he has telepathy, in fear he will want to watch and dance to it again) 😂 🤞
Our chances of a successful pregnancy per history was a big fat 0. Maybe the Dr. chances were slightly higher but I knew in my heart that after losing 5 babies and ending up with losing both of my tubes, that our chances were next to nothing but God knew something I didn’t. He had a bigger plan. And I’m so thankful we didn’t give up hope and we trusted Him. To anyone going through infertility, I pray for you and I hope your faith isn’t shattered and I hope you never give up. Sending love to all of you today on our Implantation Day! ❤️
Chasnie has been asking me forever to write a blog post to add to this amazing project of hers and everytime she asks, I just tell her I plan to but I’m not sure what to write. In reality, I still have no idea what to write because at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I had to do much. Losing an unborn child is tough, losing multiple children is very tough, but it’s so much harder for the mom to go through. I didn’t know what it felt like to be carrying a child and for all of a sudden to just feel emptyness. I didn’t have to undergo multiple surgeries and have parts of my body removed. I didn’t have to deal with the pain of a ruptured tube and internal bleeding. All I did was be present, sit in the waiting room, pray for her safety, and simply keep family and friends up to date on the progress.
When it came to the actual process of IVF, here are just a handful of things I didn’t have to go through:
I didn’t have to take medication after medication or injection after injection.
I didn’t have to alter my lifestyle in an effort to increase the odds of getting pregnant.
I didn’t have to deal with mood swings, hot flashes and a changing body.
I didn’t have to undergo the actual act of childbirth!!
I didn’t need to, and 5+ months later, still do not have to deal with nursing, pumping, and planning my day around making sure Zayden can eat.
When he cries because he is hungry, it’s always her job to come to the rescue. All I can do is change diapers, get Chasnie what she needs, and try and make her difficult and tiresome job a little less strenuous. Even on my best of days I don’t even do the best job at this. Trust me, when Zayden gets hangry at 2am, it’s extremely easy to roll over and let her handle everything, but making myself wake up with her so I can change a dirty diaper and get her a glass of water while she gets ready to feed him, is the least I can do. And some nights even that is too difficult, so I can’t even imagine having to stay up for at least another hour. Of course, I have offered to stay up with him during a sleepless night, so she can (maybe) snag a couple of extra minutes to herself. But if I am being honest, Zayden at 4am is the most adorable thing you will ever see, so even then I’m getting the better end of the deal! I know in the long run our tasks will change and we’ll be able to share tasks more evenly. But at this point, I feel like my “job” as a dad is the easy end of the deal.
If you’re a guy getting ready to go through the IVF process, get ready to feel a little helpless and worthless. If you’re a dad that has been through the process, let’s take a moment to remember how much we didn’t have to endure in order to receive one of the greatest gifts of all time! As the days go by and life moves on, it’s easy to forget the struggle and sleepless nights. Even a mere 5 months after having Z, it’s easy to forget what it took to get where we are. And now I can’t imagine life any other way than having him here, with us.
And while I’m thinking about it: Chasnie, you are a rockstar. You have made sacrifices I will never comprehend, and for you they don’t even register as a sacrifice. You have always done whatever it is Zayden needs, without hesitation. You are a mother that all others should strive to be. God made you to be an amazing mom and that’s exactly what you have become. I will forever be grateful for what you have endured and your perseverance. I’m so proud to call you my wife and mother of my child. You are and always will be appreciated and loved!
-Jason, the spouse of the strongest woman ever
For more about our infertility journey orChasnie’s Project take a few minutes for her video!
Momhood or lack there of 