No worries

unravelingtheyarn1 Comment

This weekend I had several moments where I was worrying or thinking too much about the next blood test (which is today).  I woke up to this devotion on my phone:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (NLT) -2 Timothy 1:7

Do you have a lot of worries over circumstances you cannot control?  Dear friend, one ounce of worry doesn’t do an ounce of good.  Letting worry creep in means you are giving control of the situation over to a spirit of fear.  If you find yourself worrying about something, stop and occupy your mind in a way that solves the problem.  Better yet, get your hands busy and put on a spirit of love by serving others.”
This is all I needed to hear to get through the day.  I have a calming peace that has been put over me this morning, no matter the outcome.  I know worry will creep back up at some point in time and I’ll be ready to take it on when it does.

Cautiously optimistic…

unravelingtheyarn2 Comments

That has pretty much been where my head has been from the beginning.  Today is no different. We had the HCG test done today and before I went inside, I selfishly prayed, “Dear Lord, I know it isn’t my call but if I am going to miscarry, please let me know now with this test, please don’t let me get my hopes up and then I miscarry.” I know, I know…it is a selfish prayer, I just didn’t think I could handle having high hopes again and then a loss…again.  If we were going to experience another loss, I wanted to deal with it upfront. As I walked inside to get my test done, I thought to myself, I know you don’t work like this Lord, I know.  Took a breath and said a prayer.  Let’s do this.

So, test came out positive!  I had a 71 pregnancy hormone level. Yay!  Yay!  Yay!  So exciting and of course, hopeful and optimistic…..cautiously optimistic.  You see, I’ve been here before.  I have miscarried a few times.  I miscarried when my level was a 61.  Of course, this is a little too close for comfort.  But we are pregnant.  They consider your test positive if your levels are between 50-500, so our little superhero(es) are a little lower than I would like to see them, but they are still there.  We are testing again Monday and Wednesday to insure my levels are going up.  The nurse told me we would know more Monday and to “Hang in there.” Cringe. Not exactly the words I wanted her to end our call with.

Hanging in there, being patient, staying calm, praying and being excited in a very caution manner. We can officially say we have been blessed again with another life(s) and praying they continue to grow and be strong, just like the little superhero(es) they are. ❤

And we wait…

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

The waiting game continues.  Currently, waiting in the front of the lab, ready to get my blood drawn.  Then we will wait most of the day to receive results, then we will wait every two days to insure babies are growing.  

I got you God…you are teaching me patience.  Thank you for this, sincerely, I know I need more so thank you for this.

I may not update this today, pending results and how I feel and because if we do get a positive today, I may want to wait til I know the levels continue to go up.  I’ll be back sometime.. 

If I am being honest..

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

I was pretty confident until Tuesday evening that I was pregnant. I’ve been pregnant multiple times before. I know what it feels like, I know it is so difficult for me to keep my eyes open, I know how my stomach bloats and how I actually look differently. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I just know.  Except for last night…I wasn’t as tired anymore, I didn’t feel or look like I have in the past and I feel pretty normal, with a side ache and a little spotting.

It makes me sad, cringe, wonder, worry.  I am struggling to be upbeat and happy.  I am praying these sweet little ones get to see mama and let me love them, provide for them, and introduce them to the most awesome dad on earth.  I just don’t feel like that is going to happen.  Hoping and praying I’m wrong and doing my best to find understanding if I am correct.

Honestly, this waiting game kind of sucks and I know tomorrow will be more difficult.

Learning experience

unravelingtheyarn2 Comments

I had a little spotting today.  I know that can be common, I also know that it can mean things aren’t working out (to my hopes).  Maybe this is a learning experience.  Maybe God is telling me I’m much stronger than I think and He’s teaching me something bigger.  So I’ve decided to make a list of things I have learned throughout this process.

  • I can take a shot like a champ. Seriously though.
  • My patience is very thin.  I mean, I’ve known this my entire life, but I realized it is time to stop making excuses for it, and time to actually do something about it.
  • Some people just won’t show up. This is kind of sad, but I get it.  There are so many people there for us, but a few that I was sure would be there are just a little MIA. I read an article this morning about this exact subject and it made me realize that it is pretty common.  Maybe we’re all just pretty selfish in this world and we expect too much out of others.  Which leads me to my next one…
  • I’m a little selfish and I expect too much!  My husband is #1 person to experience this (pray for him).  I really didn’t think I was, but I am.  I feel like I’m doing all these shots and taking all these meds and I should get a little extra credit or something.  Apparently, it doesn’t work like that.
  • When you want something so badly, you can will your body into thinking it has it, when it definitely may not.
  • My hubs is patient, not all the time but 95% of the time and he’s pretty freaking awesome all together!
  • No one’s IVF experience will ever be the same.  Everyone has different meds, different schedules, and no two experiences are similar. We are all created so uniquely, that everyone that goes through IVF is completely different than the next person’s.  Mind blowing.
  • True laughter is necessary. Every. Single. Day.  Not the fake laugh or smirk here and there, true, genuine laughter.
  • It’s a little difficult to be home at 8:00 on the dot for medications.  Your entire schedule changes and you have to shift your priorities to your medication.  Do you have enough time to eat out and make it back in time?  Can I run this errand before then? It’s an very interesting thing to always account for.  Maybe it’s prepping you for baby waking up at the most inopportune time.
  • Taking pictures of each moment and feeling (happy, upset, crying) is really eye opening for me.  One time I was lying on a floor, bawling, in a hotel room and Jason tried to comfort me and I said no…take a picture.  I need to remember this.
  • Being understanding is vital. You don’t have to do everything for someone, but to understand what someone is going through (the nerves, the emotions, the physical toll it takes) and how all of that affects them.  Affects their personality, their thoughts and how they react to simple things.  You and/or your loved ones will experience this.
  • You don’t want to do all the social activities. Man, I love to be out and about!  I don’t like to miss out on things… but I don’t care anymore. I want to lay down, rest, take it easy, and pray.
  • You share your story, and hundreds of others will share with you.  This is so powerful.  I’m blown away by the real relationships I’ve made by simply sharing our story. One friend, whom used to be a wedding client, that I really only talked to if I saw her / her family or through social media.  And now, we text each other almost every day and I truly care about her and her family. Not necessarily something I expected to happen.
  • My emotions are ALL over the place, all the time. I’ve teared up about 7 times as I’m typing this article lol.
  • You will never go to the bathroom and not wonder, “Will there be blood?” That is such a huge fear.  Yet, every time I sit down, this comes to my mind. Unfortunately, this morning there was a little.
  • Prayer is much more comforting than I’ve experienced in the past.  Maybe my prayers in the past have been selfish prayers, but it has developed into a much different experience.  It’s more about having a relationship with your Maker. I’m far from where I’d like to be, but praying that continues to develop.
  • Speaking of prayer, it doesn’t always have to be love-love prayer.  You can be mad at God, you can question Him, but you have to let it go and TRUST Him.  Again, it’s about that relationship.
  • Packing to travel is much more complicated.  Pack enough needles, and back ups, meds, and other small items you normally don’t have to worry about.
  • We are absolutely, 110% not in control.  
  • His way is the best way.  I may not understand it.  I may question it and I likely will argue with it, but His way truly is the best way.

I guess that sums it up for now, I’ll likely come back and edit this and add things as they come to mind.  Just a few things to consider if you and/or your loved one is going through IVF. I’ll continue praying this is more than just a learning experience, but for now I do not know and it is out of my control, and praying is what I can do.

I don’t know…

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

That’s been my answer several times today when family and friends ask me how I’m doing.  “I don’t know,” seems to be the only response that I can seem to spit out.  The emotions, the feelings, the wondering and waiting have really muddied my level-headed thoughts and I just don’t know how I feel.

I’ve been achy or crampy since the transfer basically.  It hasn’t been a big deal and I knew that would be a common thing I’d have.  Implantation = cramps, or child loss = cramps.  I knew going into this that cramps would be a sensation I would have.  However, even having this knowledge upfront doesn’t help my mind from wandering what each cramp is or what it means.

We find out this Friday on the results.  WE FIND OUT THIS FRIDAY.  My nerves are a little bit of a wreck, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m kind of sad, all while just continuing to tell myself to perk up, be happy, enjoy this moment, breathe, give your worries to God.  I’m doing all these things and that silly mind of mine keeps wondering what’s going on inside.  But this Friday we will have a definitive answer.  And this has me feeling like…. I just don’t know.  I’m really all over the place, and I can’t seem to put into words what I’m feeling. Honestly, it makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking of all the emotions that I’m trying to fight off.

But we have faith.  And we know we’re doing everything we’re supposed to be doing.  Keeping my feet warm, eating the things you’re supposed to eat (good fats, soups, healthy food), avoiding the sugary stuff that I’ve been craving!  Not picking anything up over 5 lbs (which seems extreme, but I’m still doing it).  Getting plenty of sleep, drinking plenty of water and laying low.  Goodness, I’ve never layed so low in my life!  Ha!  And we pray most of the day on our own and we pray together every night, praying over these little two embryos that they are healthy, they are growing, they are strong and will continue to grow.  Praying they are God’s will for us.

Today is our 7th year anniversary and all I want is to have children here on earth with us.  So if you’re reading this & you want to gift something, say a prayer that these babies are healthy, strong, and God’s will for us and they will keep on growing!  That would be the greatest anniversary gift. 🙂

In the meantime, we’ll just wait, try not to wonder, wait some more, and find out the results on Friday.

Transfer.

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

Yesterday.  Yesterday was a little of a bumpy ride.  We were pretty shocked to find out our 13 healthy embryos were wittled down to almost nothing within a short 5 days.  I still don’t completely understand how that happens, but I know it happens.  My plans of implanting 2, freezing a handful for the future, and donating the rest to other couples struggling with infertility abruptly stopped in their tracks.  Hopes and dreams of what I thought would happen disappeared. And my heart was crushed.  

Yet, there is always a glimmer of hope in destruction and we prayed that we would understand and that we were thankful for this situation and experience we were going through.  It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less, it just meant we knew we weren’t going through it alone and there is a plan for us. 

The doctors decided to push the transfer back 5 hours, in hopes the little ones may grow a little more, unlike they thought they would.  Two little ones did slightly, but their quality was so poor they didn’t even grade them.  Luckily, we were given the opportunity to discard the embryos or transfer, because freezing with their quality wasn’t an option.  Of course, we decided to transfer those two little ones and pray they would thrive in their home, my uterus.  Good thing my husband is part superhero and I know those little ones won’t give up easily.  They will fight.  They will grow.  They will be strong.

In the meantime, I’m just doing my best to be strong.  Cry if I need to, but not sit around and wallow in sadness.  Be strong, brave, positive, patient, level-headed and fearless. I mean, if two “poor” quality embryos can fight, I can too.

My heart hurts a little…

unravelingtheyarn1 Comment

Getting ready to leave the hotel to have great breakfast and start to the day and received that call from Restricted # and I knew it was my doctor.  The second it rang, the word, “Sh*t,” came out of my mouth, followed by a, “Please no.” 

The call was exactly what I thought it was, bad news.  Little embryos aren’t looking so hot at the moment.  They are monitoring them until 11 am and will see if they have progressed at all.  If they haven’t, then transfer will cancel.  If they have, we will do the transfer later today, because they want to give them all the fighting chance they can get.

I know this happens a lot, so I am trying to be optimistic but my heart is hurting and my hopes are low.  I want to ask God, “Why?” But I’m refraining and praying for the situation, the peace no matter the turn out and the understanding I need to not turn into a crazy person. 

For now, just will be doing my best not to question and like all pregnancies, I’ll just sit here….and wait and wait and wait (patiently and impatiently) til 11.

On a lighter note, my husband is trying to lighten the mood by sending me the below video,

“Trying to steam crabs in the hood”   

The nerves are real..

unravelingtheyarn1 Comment

The big day is here and so much for relaxing and getting plenty of sleep prior to it.  I am not sure I got more than 2-3 hours of sleep, because my brain is swirling with so many thoughts, worries, excitement, and well, let’s just a little overwhelmed to say the least.  My arms are quivering, I am continually fighting back nervous tears, and a little sick to my stomach, and not that I want to admit it but definitely scared; but I am doing my best to trust in God.  We spent soms time asking for God’s peace and comfort.  I thought I was coming into this pretty level-headed but that all went to hell about 3 am this morning when all I could do was toss and turn. 

Did I relax enough? What if my uterine lining went down?  Why did I not get a call about the embryos after Saturday?  Are they growing? Are there still 13 little ones? Are they healthy? Will I get a call this morning canceling the transfer? Is the walk from the parking garage to the hotel room too long and does not count as “relaxing?” Did I eat enough pineapple (ha, those doing this and researched tips know exactly what I am talking about)? What if it doesn’t work? God, how do I be thankful for this all if it doesn’t work? 

So yes, the nerves are very real. I am not so level-headed anymore, but I am doing my best to stay focused on giving my worries to Him.  HE’S GOT THIS.  Get it together, and trust Him.

I guess now I’ll go shower and eat some more pineapple in prep for today.  Prayers are welcome. 😘

Retrieval.

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

I’ve spent most of the weekend doing nothing, per doctor’s orders.  They wanted to keep eye on my ovaries and be sure they did not get overstimulated. Egg retrieval was Friday and went very well (in my opinion).  We retrieved 15 eggs, and 13 of them fertilized normally so that is a very good outcome.  Fresh transfer is scheduled for this coming Wednesday as long as those embryos keep on growing healthily and I do not do too much and overstimulate my ovaries.  Prayers appreciated the next two days! 

I had big plans for egg retrieval day.  I had it set in my mind we would get a good night’s sleep and we would wake up rested, happy, and ready to go.  I had planned to take photos from my point of view all day long.  See, I’m a photographer and unfortunately, I have put it off to the side as I get through some internal struggles of mine.  However, today was the day I was going to overcome it because I needed to document this.  Well, plans went as they normally go…completely the opposite.  Instead my morning was filled with frustration, running late (not me), some raised voices, rushing rushing rushing and a lot of emotionally exhausted tears.  And I didn’t document any of it.  I was doing my best to make sure everything was in place, everything and everyone (ahem husband) would be on time and it would be a stress-less day, but God had a different plan (He’s funny like that). 

Instead, the morning was chaos just like our lives.  And I was reminded, oh so humbly, that I am not in control and all these small things were not the important part of the day. The important part of the day is retrieving eggs and praying those babies grow.  Thankfully, they retrieved 15 eggs, and 13 of them fertilized normally.  (Wow!). Our goal is to implant 2 embryos Wednesday morning!  Ahhhh!!!  The excitement is pretty overwhelming, and also a little nerve racking.

Taking it easy is the name of my game for next few days.  We will go back to KC tomorrow evening for night of relaxing before implantation Wednesday!  Then taking it easy for the rest of the week!  Goal is to lay low and enjoy it.  And do all the implantation tips I have been reading about, keeping my feet and my uterus warm at all times, eating pineapple (with the core), avocados, and relaxing. 😀. I mean, if I have to, I think I can do that!  Prayers are of course welcome, in the mean time…you can find me on the couch, pretty similar to this.