Overwhelmed

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As I sit in our living room in the wee hours of the night, feeding every 2 hours, a bit sleep deprived, still sore from labor, the house a mess, the dogs lacking attention, and we are just over here “winging it” as we figure out this parenting thing..I feel overwhelmed.  

Not overwhelmed with frustration or exhaustion, or the task at hand, but overwhelmed with joy, love and gratefulness! ❤️ He is so perfect.  His sweet face where he has literally every single one of Jason’s features to his giganto feet just like his mama.  It seems unreal that we could be blessed with something, someone so innocent and perfect.  I never imagined I would be sitting here with the sweetest, most perfect  little boy who is milk-drunk passed out on my chest, dreaming of more milk, and sighing little wheezes of satisification.  

I’m overwhelmed with so much joy and love that the rest of the side effects that come with pregnancy and labor do not even register in my brain.  They do show their ugly faces at moments but the love and joy overcomes!  Just like God’s love for His creation (us).  His love always prevails.  His love always overcome.  How can we not be overwhelmingly grateful for someone so strong and powerful that His love always will overcome?  

Momhood is hard.  It’s dirty and you may feel like  your body and mind has been hit by a freight train, but I’m grateful for my overwhelming amounts of mother’s love and my unfailing, always prevailing Father’s love.

The date has been set.

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Well, I should apologize for being MIA lately.  Baby boy is causing swelling in my hands and swelling + working on a camera or computer all day = some ridiculous carpal tunnel symptoms, so blogging has been put on the back burner.  During this quiet time I’ve reflected a lot about what I was going to write about next..new symptoms or new thoughts that race through my mind every day or about the incredible support system I have. We are so fortunate to be surrounded by so many people that check on us daily, some are people that I just know via social media, but the care and time it takes to check on someone means so much to us.  Then today, we had a doctor’s appointment and I left the appointment overcome with emotions and I realized this is what I’d be blogging about.

This pregnancy is real.  Our baby boy is almost here.  The date is set.

I’ve been laboring slowly, which isn’t that surprising.  Some contractions here and there and have only dilated from a 1 to a 2 in the past 2 weeks.  OF COURSE, this child definitely has the Neighbors gene in him and wants to do his own thing on his own time.  Typical, but makes me love him that much more!  After talking to our doctor and determining how healthy Z is, we set a date to be induced.  If he doesn’t feel like joining the world this weekend, we’ll go in Halloween night and I’ll be induced.  As our doctor was telling us what time to arrive and what to do beforehand, my eyes were wide with excitement, gratefulness, and sheer terror.  I glanced over at Jason and I laughed as I saw the same expression in his eyes.  I waited until we left the doctor’s office to let my emotions take over but I was overwhelmed with the feeling that finally it is time.  This IS real.  He is real. You would think carrying a giant bowling ball in your uterus, while waddling around every day would make this all seem real, but not like this.  So in true pregnancy fashion, we wait….wait until his arrival with excitement, a little fear, and so much love and gratefulness.  Finally, our 6+ year infertility journey will all be worth it.

Your mama is ready to meet you little man!

Mom Thoughts

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If you don’t know me… I have a wild imagination that never stops and sometimes my thoughts can border the line of realistic and possibly morbidness.  This may be one of those posts and I apologize now, but I need to get these thoughts out and on paper, for the “just in case.”  So let’s get down to it….

To myself: If I can be realistic with you, it’s possible this pregnancy may not end with the happy tears you envision.  I realize this and so should you. As much as I pray every day that this doesn’t happen, it is possible for him to stop kicking at any moment.  So remember how perfect a moment this is for you right now; embrace the kick in the ribs, the 1,000 nighttime bathroom breaks, the uncomfortable-ness when laying, sitting, standing or just moving in general, enjoy these moments fully.  And if the kicking does stop, I need you to remember that there is a bigger plan than what you’ve created in your mind.  THERE IS A BIGGER PLAN. I know it hurts, it sucks, and just royally pisses you off, but just remember there is a bigger plan and that little one is where he’s supposed to be.  Now, just because there is a bigger plan doesn’t mean you can’t be pissed off.  Go for it.  Be angry…you should be.  Yell and scream (if it helps), run your tired heart ragged, cuddle with the pups, veg out and watch crap tv, take a breath, and lean INTO your husband and always pray even though you feel like your prayers are going deaf ears, because they’re not and deep down you know that. So keep praying.  And don’t listen to anyone else….not everyone gets it… when you’re ready, you’ll know.

To my husband: ……I honestly am not sure what to say here.  Besides, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I never have lived up to the potential I could be.  I’m sorry for all the past let downs.  I’m sorry I’ve let you down again.  I’m sorry I can’t comfort you and help you take care of little one.  I’m sorry you’re experiencing this without me.  The good news is you are so far from being alone.  You have my overbearing (yet wonderful and helpful) family, your wonderful family, so many friends, an incredible church family and small group, and you have the good Lord looking after you every single second.  Be mad at Him if you have to, because I know He can take it but don’t stay mad at Him because He’s there for you and looking after you and baby Z every. single. second.  So no matter how much you want to, don’t turn away from Him.  Also, please teach little Z all the silly & fun things you do, especially pterodactyl calls, but make sure he knows that I was the original pterodactyl-caller and you simply just learned from the master.  Let him have as many dogs as he wants.  🙂  I told you our child will love animals, and he does and you can’t do anything about it, so just give him one more puppy.   Please teach him how to ride a dirt bike and be a BA like his dad.  And whatever you do, make sure he takes on your ridiculous personality, the part that never takes anything too seriously.  And let him be stubborn.  Don’t fight it.  When you think the stubbornness is about to push you over the edge, remember that he gets his stubbornness from me.  Come down off that edge and just embrace it.  Most importantly, you make sure he knows who our maker is.  You wake up on Sundays and go to church and be apart of it. He needs that just as much as you do.  Anddddd in your free time, please please tell him all the stories about how cool his mom is and you can fabricate some if you run out of them.  As for you, don’t change a dang thing about yourself.  You’re so over and beyond anything I could ever imagine, so do not change.  And in case you EVER forget how much I love you, just put Ollie outside for a few minutes then let her back in.  She will shower you with love and excitement, that overwhelming love and excitement is just a fraction of how much I love you.  And finally, you got this, but when you think you don’t, ask for help.  When you’re hungry, there are meals in the freezer.  When you don’t know how to work the baby contraption, google it. When you need extra love, invite all 3 pups on the couch with you.  And when you think you’ve run out of diapers or wipes, there are more stuffed away in the upstairs closet. But you’ve got this.

To my little man:  Buddy, you have no idea how cool of a dad you’re getting to grow up with.  He’s literally cooler than anyone you will ever meet.  Always give hugs and kisses.  Always tell people how much you love them (especially your dad and grandparents).  Always pray, every single day. Always get up and try again.  Always choose to go on the adventure.  Always let your dad take your picture, even when you don’t want him to.  Don’t focus on the win, but always focus on how to get your team to the win.  Always reach out to the kids that don’t seem to fit in and be their friend.  Always choose to love, not hate.  Always lean into Jesus, even when you think He’s not listening…because trust me, He is.  Always ask your dad for a new puppy (but only rescue them).  Get muddy, run as fast as you can, wreck your dirt bike (but don’t get hurt), work hard but play harder, only speed sometimes (but be careful), don’t be afraid of anything, including when to say no. Be silly & weird, please be silly and weird.  Be a lover, not a fighter but it’s ok to fight for important things. Don’t worry about what others think (besides your dad..listen to him). But also, give your dad a run for his money because he deserves it just a little. And lastly, never forget about me…  I can’t explain how much I love you because there literally are not enough words to describe it, but know I love you so much!  I fought long and hard for you and I will always be with you.  Until we get to meet…go and be brave!

To my family and friends: My heart is full knowing each one of you.  Not that any of you have listened to me in the past (lol) but if I could get you to listen to anything, I hope you find and lean into God, especially if you are feeling lost. Thank you for the ones that were good to me.  Thank you for the ones that didn’t ever listen.  Thank you for the ones that always listened.  Thank you for the ones that did stupid things with me.  Thank you for the ones that were there to bail me out of stupid situations.  Thank you for the ones that made me care more than I ever thought I could.  And biggest thank you for the ones that are there for Jason right now.  Thank you.

Maybe this post is over the top or maybe it’s considered morbid to think like this, or maybe it’s just a mom that wants to be the best mom she can be and will do everything she can to make sure her family is ok, even in the worst of situations.  Maybe I’m just a mom.

Trial Run

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Trial Run, Part I.

I say Part I, because maybe there will be a Part II or Part III but only time will tell.  Sunday evening we ended up running into the hospital because I was having some unfamiliar symptoms.  No unusual contractions or anything of too much concern, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t losing any amniotic fluid like I thought.  So we went in, calm and collected (me being more calm than my husband); he for some reason couldn’t even remember how to get to the hospital.  Literally, our hospital is located 7 minutes from our home, but he just couldn’t remember and he almost missed his turn after I told him where to go.  Once we arrive, he asked if he should drop me off at the front door and when I replied no, so he turned the tables and asked if I would drop him off at the front door. lol.  Typical husband things….

We check in and quickly got in.  I was monitored & checked for about 2 hours before being released and given the “Everything is ok.”  Thankfully.  Everything I was experiencing would be the new normal for me the next few weeks.  Maybe going into the hospital was a step more than we needed to do, but when you’ve been what we’ve been through and gotten this far, we weren’t going to take any chances.  We needed to know what was going on and our minds were luckily put to ease.

We decided this was a good trial run for us. We got to experience where to go, what to do, what bags to grab before we walked out the door, and what to partially expect if things progress normally.  Let’s be honest, when time gets here… it’s not like we’ll remember ANY of that, but for the time being we fool ourselves and convince each other we have a handle on this situation.  🙂  I mean, isn’t this how parenthood is?  You think you know what you’re doing but quickly realize you have no earthly idea what’s about to happen…

 

Our “Plans”

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The past couple of weeks I’ve been going over our “plan” in my head.  We had planned on having a few children by this age, we had planned to have adopted by now, we have planned…. and the list goes on.  I find myself making plans in my head about this pregnancy.. when I’ll go into labor, how we’ll get to the hospital, if we’ll have to do an emergency c-section or will he come naturally, and I realize my plans always fall through, every single time. I have been planning on a safe and healthy pregnancy and my mind has been filled with a bit of anxiety and worry recently.  As I’m trying to sort through the worry and anxiety, I came to the realization where we are in the year, 10/2017.  This time of the year has been such a bittersweet time filled with a wide variety of emotions, dating back to 09/2011.

This time in 2011, we were going through our first ectopic pregnancy surgery.  When we first found out we were pregnant, we celebrated (quietly) and told a few family/friends but it hit us hard when I started having some unfamiliar pains.  Unfamiliar pains turned into waiting, which turned into the inevitable, losing our 2nd child.  Despite our plans, that pregnancy ended up in a surgery, losing little one and tube #1 being removed.  Ironically, this time in 2016 (October 5th, 2016), we were going through our last loss.  This pregnancy not only ended up with us losing our 4th child, but losing my only other option to get pregnant naturally, tube #2.  As this all hits me, I am filled with bittersweet memories, anxiety and thankfulness.  Memories filling my heart and tears in my eyes as I imagine those lost sweet little ones up in heaven.  Anxiety that anything could go wrong with Zayden at this point.  All the “what ifs” swirl through my head daily, and honestly it’ll be difficult to get past those, but we will, eventually.  And thankfulness.  Thankfulness was a bit harder to come by at first because all the other junk flooding my mind, but we are so so thankful that Zayden is currently healthy and strong, continuing to grow every single day.

All my plans so far have fallen through, and I never understood why, until recently.  He’s pushed these “plans” of mine down because he had a much bigger and better plan.  And luckily, we’ll get to meet this incredible plan of His within a few short weeks.  I will not let the devil seep into my thoughts and push my anxieties and worry.  Because the Lord has this, He has a much better handle of His plan that I do.

Shower Blessings

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Yesterday, we were overly blessed and showered with presents, support, and love as we celebrated Zayden’s soon to be arrival into the world.  And I am so thankful and fully reminded how many people love us and little man!  

As many friends know, baby showers are not my thing… I’ve avoided them most of my adult life, usually by being “busy” and just sending a present to support my friends little one.  When in all honesty, I just never could muster up the courage to go to someone’s shower and not lose myself in it.  For years and years, we had tried to conceive and year after year we were invited to baby showers for others.  It sounds absolutely selfish (I know), but have you ever been to a baby shower?  So much love and support is showered over the new mom-to-be, most people bring their kids, and then you have people asking you when you’re having children and anyone that has been in the same boat as us…. You go to the things and your heart just aches.  It aches in excitement for your friend, but also aches in biterness, sadness,  unwanted jealousy and sometimes anger.  Emotions spiraling from everyone else can seem to get pregnant, but you can’t seem to keep a viable pregnancy past 12 weeks.  It hurts.  But you suck it up because you love your friend and you suffer silently as you try and just get through the shower, leaving at the first available opportunity.  Then you leave and you’re overwhelmed with selfishness and guilt, because that shower and that day aren’t about you…it’s a celebration for someone else.  I would come home defeated.  I would be moody, sulk and let all these ugly emotions consume me.  So Jason and I decided, I would be the most supportive friend from afar.  I could send a gift, I could shower them with love and prayer and I didn’t need to put myself (or my husband) through the hours and days of crappiness after the fact. 

Which brings me to yesterday…. We didn’t want to have a baby shower.  We are overly (I can’t express this enough, overly thrilled) that Zayden is healthy and coming into this world soon and we wanted to celebrate.  I just didn’t want to put anyone else through the heart ache and agony that I’ve experienced at past showers. I did my best to not have a shower and refused the offers when they came and we thought throwing a BBQ Celebration would be a good way of celebrating, without the shower.  And of course, the amazing friends we have came and showered us with gifts and love!  And today my heart is full.  I know I’m probably experiencing some pregnancy emotions, but I also know God couldn’t have blessed us anymore than He already has.  He’s showered us with love and support from family and friends and sweet Baby Z.  He showered us, whether we thought we needed a shower or not. I don’t know what we did or why He thinks we deserve all of this but we are so grateful.  I’m so thankful He always knows what we need and He provides.

To all our family and friends that celebrated with us….thank you, you’ve overflowed this cup of mine! 

Sweet face

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Some of you follow every blog post and I love how supportive you are for us!  Today I wanted to keep this short and sweet (extra sweet) and share some recent baby photos we received a few weeks ago!  My heart is full and just can’t wait to have this chunky little baby boy in my arms.

Image_16 (1)

Image_50 (2)

Of course, like his parents he does his best to steer clear of the camera and is also a bit stubborn.  Out of the 50 photos we received, these were the ones we could see his sweet face the most.  Although chunky and adorable, he is mighty!  🙂

Only a handful more weeks to go…

-Chasnie

A Year of Changes

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Insane how many things can change in a year…

Around this time last year (10/05/16 to be exact), I was recovering from an emergency surgery where I lost a liter of blood into my abdomen.  A surgery that took another  sweet, little baby from us. I spent 3 weeks laying on this couch recuperating, mourning, and being mad at the world. Jump forward almost a year later, I lay here tonight, on the same couch, exhausted but celebrating us reaching 32 weeks with this sweet, baby boy I am currently carrying.

Thankfully, today we had a 32 week appointment and baby boy has a healthy heartbeat, mama has a healthy blood pressure, and although he was measuring 3 weeks early, his growth spurt has slowed down and only measuring 1 week ahead of schedule now.  God has overly blessed us with news today….just a year after it seemed like everything was falling apart.

Maybe things don’t always go the way we want or plan, but there is a plan much bigger than us. And in this moment, I am thankful for this bigger plan, thankful for the sweet baby boy that is healthy and strong, and thankful to be one step closer to holding Baby Z.  So who cares if I understood how we got here, because we’re here and enjoying every kick, ache, baby hiccup, sweet ultrasound, and every single heartburn-filled evening. ❤️

As always, thank you for the prayers!

Confession…

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Alright, time for a confession that I feel pretty guilty about and have struggled with finding words to explain it and not feel so petty.  Pregnancy has been a little tough, my mood swings are pretty intense and my overall demeanor is down, very down.

At first, I contributed my attitude and actions to a lack of sleep or working 5 weeks straight with no day or evening off (literally, I’m going on 6 weeks straight).  I have also blamed putting too much on my plate and not saying “no” enough.  I have stressed about significant workload, dirty house, gaining weight and not feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I have slipped on my exercising, meditation, time with God and eating healthy (granted, I eat pretty healthy still but I’ve let some things slip back into my meals that aren’t usually there and aren’t the best choices).  But really….I’ve just taken this stage in pregnancy for granted.  Unfortunately.

Why can’t I be thankful for  this stage?  Why do we always focus on the negative and forget about all the positives?   Our human minds can be stupid like  that.  It is almost comical to me to think for years, we prayed and prayed for God to finally bring a child into your life, and He grants it time and time again but you continually have loss after loss.  So you refocus and pray for Him to bless you with a child, one you can hold and have and stay with you here on Earth and He blesses us with a 24 week little miracle at the moment and all I can focus on how uncomfortable I am?  That doesn’t sound right…nor does it sound like me. It is as if I am an outsider looking in and I can’t seem to control what’s going on with me, but it’s happening and it’s pretty sad that is constantly where my mind goes.  So again, refocusing this week.

Embracing the little moments and difficulties and being oh so thankful for each and every one of them, because if I wasn’t experiencing them then my heart would be shattered again.  So I am changing a few things in our life to keep me focused and appreciative and experiencing the joy of uncomfortableness during this process.  ❤️ Here it goes:

-Cutting out the junk (junk food, junk tv, junk relationships)

-Refocusing the most stressful areas of my life. For example, my day job is stressful (everyday) and this isn’t something I can simply “cut” out of so I am refocusing how I perceive this job, our wedding photography business, and other areas of our life that are raining down stress.

-Spending time in the word.  Jumping back into it and spending time every day, no exceptions.  We have the ability to access everything on our phones, iPads, computers, through a friend, through podcasts and radio…there is no reason I shouldn’t be diving in daily.

-Making exercising a priority.  I need back on that bandwagon that I love so much… I need it back in my life, not just for me but for healthy little boy.

-Doing yoga and meditation a daily occurrence…if I can’t do one or the other on a day, I can feel the difference in my actions and attitude but incorporating it helps me take a moment to slow down.

-Saying no.  Sorry friends, I’ve said no to alot of things lately and some of it has probably affected our relationship but I can’t put Baby Zayden’s health over some activity or event.  Hopefully you’ll understand some day.

-Giving thanks every day!  Every single day, being thankful. Because we have sweet baby boy who is active all day, growing at a great rate and he will be here before we know it!  I am thankful! ❤️

-Getting more Vitamin D, aka some sunshine! ☀️ I’ve been cooped up for a little too long and need some extra sunshine in my life.

-Taking a break.  Ya, I said it so now I have to follow through.  I’m going to take a mini break…time is to be determined but it will happen, soon.

-And lastly, taking pictures of our journey again. Out of frustration and exhaustion, I stopped taking pictures of this process and I am completely regretting it, so I’m picking it back up and following through with continuing this project.

To sum it up, pregnancy can be hard but God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle and this is such an incredible blessing (not a struggle) that I can handle!  And will experience the joy that comes with it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

#pregnancyproblems

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If youve talked to me lately, I’ve probably  blamed something on #pregnancyproblems.  I seem to be using it in daily conversations with friends & family to bring light to my underestimated discomforts and emotions of pregnancy.  Don’t get me wrong, not for one second of pain or discomfort does pregnancy compare to infertility.  I can’t compare it. Infertility is heartbreaking every single day with little hope, but pregnancy there is hope and more hope with every healthy kick or jab to the ribs you get!  

That said, I know multiple people that loved their pregnancy and I personally underestimated the toll it takes on you, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So I’ve outlined them for myself but also for others, not to express any complaints but to evaluate and refocus my thoughts.  You’ll see towards the end of this..so stick with me…

1.  The exhaustion comes and goes and I’m completely fine with handling this because I have a great partner that helps 99% of the time, 55% of the time without complaining!  😉  But I am exhausted daily. It doesn’t help your sleep is minimal.  Don’t get me wrong, like clockwork I’ll fall asleep on the couch every evening around 9 pm but wide awake from about 1 am on. Sometimes I’ll get up and walk around, some nights I’ll just lay there and hope for more sleep.  Either way, growing a child plus s lack of sleep has a direct factor on your mind and body.

2. The sickness has come and mostly gone for me (thankfully). That was pretty brutal and makes you question how your little one is getting any nutrients when you yourself aren’t keeping any nutrients in so thankfully that stage has passed. I still have some food adversions, mainly fish. As a fish and sushi lover, this has been a little difficult to steer clear of, but I don’t know that I will ever enjoy fish again sadly.

3. The weight gain is real! “Well duh!” you may think, but when you’re just past halfway mark and you physically don’t feel like you can get any larger without exploding takes an emotional/physical toll on you. And I’ll just disregard the number of times you recieve the truly sincere but also brutal comments of how much you’ve grown or “Wow you’re pregnant!” In all seriousness, I’m not sure how my skin and body can stretch and distort anymore and I’m (only) 23 weeks along. 

4. Pain/uncomfortableness. This. I 110% underestimated the amount of pain and uncomfortableness I’d experience daily.  I have had a very high pain tolerance since I was a child and this one is tough for me to swallow and admit.  But I need help with such small things, and it is painful.  I roll over in the middle of the night and quickly attacked a sharp pains (growing pains) or leg cramp that I can’t get to, followed by a kick from Z-man letting me know to go back to sleep and stop waking him. 

5. Pregnancy brain is like a bad blonde joke.  Seriously though, my mind was racing constantly, prior to pregnancy and add Zayden taking all my intelligence from me, my daily actions and comments seem like a bad blonde joke.  Luckily, this spills over to my husband and he has “sympathy pregnancy brain” so I don’t feel as bad about the silly things I do or say. Ha.

6. Worrying. I’ve said it before in basically any previous post, but that never goes away.  I do my best to stay calm and not stress about little things but it does happen and worry does kick in.  Do you have enough time to buy a house and move before baby comes? When is the next Dr appointment? Should I call my Dr with this pain or that pain? Why is my body reacting that way? What is wrong with me? What if I have Baby Z early…how will we be ready? I need to get a crib stat… The list goes on. 

7. Minor side effects of pregnancy, but they’re pesky and annoying…  Hot flashes, bad skin, thinning hair, mood swings, congestion all day every day, dizziness, shortness of breath just walking inside with a bag of groceries… all of these are  just a few of the minor side effects that you experience daily, all of which take a toll on your body and mindset. The addition of everything else and these really can defeat you, even if you think you’re prepared to handle it. If you were like me and believed all pregnant women “glow” and have long luscious locks, let me be the first to tell you that only happens on about 60% of women, myself unfortunately, not being one of them.  Such minor side effects can really play a toll on you if you let it.

Which brings me to the point of this whole post… As I’m sitting in my closet, upset that everything seems to just be off and not going my way, I am reminded by the good Lord that none of that really matters!  What matters is this sweet little one growing inside of me and the love we have to share with him.  I mean, this is what we prayed for, no matter what discomfort or exhaustion or sickness little man would bring, we wanted it because we wanted him.

After realizing this, my goal and thoughts have shifted.  I need not to focus on this other crap I’m experiencing every day. I need to stop giving up to the daily challenges, but instead giving up my struggles to Him. I will trust Him and hand over my worries, insecurities and stress to Him and He will take care of us.  Maybe every step won’t be as I envision or hoped for, but thankfully His vision and plan is way better than I anything I can come up with. I truly hope anyone that is struggling through life, infertility, pregnancy or even just your day, you have Him to cling to.  I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t.  He’s got this for us.