Tag: infertility uncovered

The Big 2 | Ryken

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I have tried to write this a couple times this past week and my mind can’t seem to grasp how in the world Ryken Spree is 2 today! I still remember the day after multiple miscarriages and we finally had made a pregnancy long enough to make an “announcement” just to find out a few weeks later we would have my last ectopic pregnancy. And now look at us…Zayden is 4.5 and Ryken is 2 and baby girl on the way. Our baby girl is 2 (even though she constantly reminds me she’s not Baby, she is Ryken). ❤️

Ryken is so incredibly sweet, loving, empathetic (which I didn’t know was a thing at that age but she is) and also a hell-raiser all in one. There’s not a day that goes by that Jason and I don’t exchange a look that says – how did she do that, keep a straight face, don’t give in and let her know that is kind of funny. 😂 Zayden, for the most part is a rule follower, so when this sweet, blue-eyed innocent girl doesn’t follow the rules then smiles and goes “Op, sorry mama..” and continues to break the rules, it floors me (in laughter most days). Although she loves to break the rules, she does love some things more…like her big brother – I think he’s her favorite. She loves any and all animals and will say, “Oh it’s SOOO CUTEEE” at even the most questionable animal. She also loves her baby dolls, anything soft and squishy she can carry around, baths, her big Ollie and little Charlie. And did I mention hugs? She will give you 15 hugs & 10 kisses in a matter of 5 seconds, and it’s the best.

Some of our favorite things she does… Dances to songs and TV shows.
Makes sure everyone knows which is “MY puppy”
When we tell her no or she doesn’t get her way, she will ask again in a super high pitched, innocent voice say, “Pleeeeeaaaase.”
The sassy & attitude-filled looks, although they can test you – I would much rather raise a child that will be a bold and fierce woman who isn’t ashamed to hold her ground (just if she could lighten up on her parents a little, that’d be helpful) 😂
She is one of the most independent child I know, always exclaiming, “No, I got it.”
She’s a straight up Popsicle Monster, she thinks she needs one all the time and some days I’m fine with a 3 popsicle type of day.
After every bath, she will walk out in her animal towel and try to scare you, but quickly explain,”It’s just me.” It’s probably my favorite thing.
Late night bed time singing – I mean, again can test you a little but also is the best.
Every time we start a prayer, she sings her prayer over us and if I try to explain its mom or dad’s turn to pray, she lowers her voice like she’s an adult and sings her prayer again. Zayden taught her this prayer he learned at school, so it’s always a pretty cute moment to see. Acting like a zombie or monster. Exclaiming she is little, but STRONG! That’s just to name a few of our favorites about our sweet girl!

Happy Big 2 Sweet Ryken! You are loved more than you can even imagine! We know this is your last few months to be the baby but that doesn’t mean you won’t always be the baby girl in our eyes.

400+ injections later… Fairwell IVF

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108 injections, that’s how many shots I took this round of IVF.  The other two rounds I had around 150-170 injections from start to finish each, not to mention the daily meds. This blows my mind, I actually thought it was more, but 108 injections this round was enough.   Anyways, my last shot is today, and knowing it’s my last IVF shot ever is a little bittersweet. I mean, good riddance to the daily shots and the knots & bruises from them. It’ll be nice to maybe sleep in so I don’t have to do it at the same time every morning, and turn off our alarm reminders so we don’t forget. For the past 4.5 years, I’ve either been doing infertility treatments, pregnant or nursing and the two latter, of course, are not finished but this is the first step to the end of that life.  And I’m not sure how to feel about it yet.

I am 12 weeks today.  We are not “in the clear” as some would say. We never are really until we hear that sweet baby take their first breath. Statistically, when you reach your 2nd trimester, you’re less likely to miscarry.  But as we and friends that have gone through this know, we never really know. And we can’t really “monitor” little one at this stage because I personally can’t feel kicking or movement.  I don’t have a heart monitor to hook up and check all hours of day (and that’s good for me because that would cause more stress than not likely), but I just have to put my faith in knowing it’s not in my hands. 

I know, even in 2021 there is still controversy about IVF.  I’ve heard people say, if you’re infertile maybe you’re not meant to be with that person or maybe you’re not meant to have children. I’ve heard individuals call embryos “frozen souls” or assume we just toss whatever embryos we don’t use or we get to pick if we get to have a boy or a girl. I respect people’s views but I am 110% thankful for what we have the ability to do in these days.  And to clarify, all of the above assumptions are exactly that, assumptions.  My goal of this post is not to get into this, but more just to say what an incredible gift we can do these days. I’m so thankful God has allowed us to be this advanced in today’s world.  Without IVF we would not have a Zayden Gray or a Ryken Spree or little Vinson on the way… And I cannot imagine not having these little sparks of joy and light in the world.  ❤️

Although our IVF journey is coming to an end, our infertility journey does not, that’s something that sticks around forever.  It’s not just the ability to not have another baby, it’s remembering and living through physically, emotionally and mentally painful losses.  It comes and goes, I’ll go months without it popping into my mind and then our first miscarriage will come to mind and me freezing in the Dr office because I was so confused on why this would happen to US.  Or the most recurring memory is in the ER with my last ectopic pregnancy. The Dr scoffed at me when I asked her for more time to respond to her question, when she wanted to just remove my tube like it was no big deal.  And I quote her, “You don’t need your tubes to have a baby, you can find other routes.” I was so angry and frustrated someone would talk to a mourning person that just found out her surprise pregnancy was not viable much longer, not to mention I had bled a liter into my belly and I was in insane amount of pain. When there was no one in the room besides a nurse, I glared at Jason and said to go out into the hallway and yell until someone got into my room with pain meds or I was going home to die.  The nurse heard me loud and clear and handled the situation.  And right before surgery another nurse came in and asked if she could pray over me. Tears flowed as I said please then was rushed away. That whole  memory still haunts me today. Some days I’ll fall into a funk after the memory pops up.  That memory always seems to break me and I don’t really see that memory leaving my mind anytime soon (or ever).  Or the memory of my first IVF shot – I was so nervous but it ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be and quickly started doing photos like this for my pure entertainment or when days Jason and I would get in a spat and I could say um, well at least I don’t do this to you. 😊 Ya got to find humor in it to make it through.

But the memories were not all bad, like the first time to make it to 10 weeks pregnant, or the day I actually looked pregnant vs just looking like I had gained a few extra pounds, ha or the first time meeting Zayden or Ryken and watching Jason hold them.  I couldn’t be more grateful for each and every memory.  Good and bad, it shaped me as a person, molded us as a couple, and truly made me a better mom. 

So I want to end this “Fairwell IVF” post with some tips for those struggling or those who know someone struggling with infertility.  I know everyone is different and this won’t apply to everyone, these are just from my personal experience. 
SUPPORT SYSTEM: I’m here for you, but if you need someone closer to you, talk about your experience. And thank the good Lord for opportunity you have. It’ll not only help you find some peace one way or another but it will help others as well. I’m not saying you HAVE to share your journey, I’ve just personally found it to be helpful in ours.  But find your support system and reach out when you need that support, a night out, a night in, someone to just sit with you or to send you a coffee pick me up when you really need it. Specifically for the Support Systems, stay positive, be present and just know we don’t always know what we need.  And please for the love, be positive. It is not helpful to say, maybe next time or just try again, or stop trying and it will happen or at least you have one.  Although it may be with good intentions, just be present for them. They may want to talk, they may not but show up for them.
OLD WIVES TALES: Eat pineapple (with the core) before your transfer.  I’m not sure why it’s a thing but I did it. Keep your feet warm after transfer and drink warm drinks and stay away from ice cold drinks.  Warm feet, warm drinks/food = warm uterus = warm, happy baby.  
INJECTIONS: Yes, they suck. Once you get used to it, the weight gain, headaches or bruises start to form, push through it. It is temporary.  Tedious, but temporary.  Slap the booty before your booty shots, some use ice or heat before – I just would slap the area before (when I remembered) and rubbed the area afterwards to avoid knots.  Stomach shots are not as painful as the other, it’s just difficult to get through the first handful then will likely be much easier.  Set the alarms so you can take them all at same time.  Listen to your Dr and take it easy when they tell you.  Your body is doing crazy, amazing things and it needs a little extra rest some days. 
MEDS: Again, set your alarm and take them at same time. And give yourself, your mind and your body grace. Your mood will change, you will likely gain some weight, and the hot flashes are extreme. Give yourself grace and ask your partner for grace. 
RETRIEVALS: Take it easy and pray for the best outcome. Hoping for all the embryos but remind yourself not all will make it. It definitely can happen but on average not all retrieved eggs become embryos. Our first time, we retrieved 18 eggs, 15 fertilized and only 2 made it. 2. It’s heartbreaking, I know and our 2 were so poor they wouldn’t rate them but Zayden was stronger than they thought.  You only need one but hope for the best and be positive. 
FAILED IVF ATTEMPTS: This is not your fault. It’s hard to understand and I still will never understand when it happens but it does happen unfortunately. Give it some time to process and then revisit if you want to try again. You may say no, then change your mind or vice versa. There’s no right way to process this type of thing, so take the time to process. And know my heart hurts for you and no one can explain why this happened nor make you feel better.  Take that time for yourself.  I pray you are able to find what works and end up finding happiness with whatever outcome! 
PREGNANCY TESTS: I mean, I feel pretty strongly about these but do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I was advised not to take any and I didn’t. I have had false positives and false negatives – to me, it wasn’t worth the stress. 
LOSSES: Accept that some won’t get what you’re going through. They may think you’re too much or you’re not there for them enough.  You may lose a friendship or two, feel lost or lonely but lean back into your support system.  Ignore or address the negative comments, they’re not worth the energy unless you’re squashing it and moving on. Alot of off-putting comments with IVF and infertility come from lack of experience themselves. You have more important things to focus on! Be patient with yourself and your partner. God has this. He has you.

And with that, fairwell IVF, it’s not always been fun, but it’s been worth it. You will be missed in some weird, traumatic response way, ha but you also won’t be missed.  We are grateful for the science that God has given us in today’s world.  I’ll continue to write about our infertility & life journey but this is IVF finally signing off. 💉

Orneriness & Updates

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Today. Today is transfer day, to say I’m a little nervous is an understatement. Not for the service, but the outcome. I asked Jason yesterday, “Are you ready for another one or are you ready to find out we won’t have another one?” He replied he wasn’t ready for either outcome, and I feel that too. I asked Ryken and Zayden if they wanted another brother or sister. Ryken replied a quick No to both 😂 and Zayden said maybe another sissy that he could make Ryken but if not he’d just take some bubble gum so he can blow huge bubbles with. So clearly, we are all ready for however things turn out!

The biggest change this time around is doing everything on my own. Every single appointment has been by myself, besides the initial video call. So if we can all get through this pandemic so support systems can be by their significant others side, that’d be swell. I think in any potential life change situation, you know deep down you can do it by yourself, but it sure is nice having Jason there just to remind me that I can when I start to question my ability. Also, all of this to say, I’ve only been alone physically, of course, My God is always here and I have a good support system that checks in on our journey, pray for me and I know several would jump at opportunity to help. So we are so appreciative to that! ❤️

So today is transfer day…our journey is to be continued soon, one way or another.

Now to Zayden & Ryken updates. Ryken really has that innocent, sweet smile, quiet voice (when she wants) and gives the best hugs hands down, and she will not hesitate to raise hell when she feels like it. 😂 She is our stunt-woman and I fear she will be a spitting image of her mama and spend countless summer days in the hospital with stitches, but we shall see. Maybe she will surprise us, but as I watched her climb to top of playhouse, turn around and fall off for the biggest trust fall I have ever witnessed, I don’t think she will. Lol. Little Miss loves to copy Zayden and thinks “right now” should be added to every sentence – something we rarely even say, but she has incorporated it into her vocabulary. And we always correct it with a how about a please, to which she replies, “Please, right now!” Someone come get this kid 😂😂 In all seriousness she’s so funny to watch her learn from Zayden. I wish I would have written more of her milestones down, but I have decided I’d rather spend that time I could be writing them down or blogging, just embracing these new things she’s learning. It. Is. My. Favorite to watch her and Z interact and play together, something they haven’t done by themselves yet til recently. Ryken would probably do anything Zayden asked, but thankfully, I don’t think he has figured that out yet.

Zayden, my sweet boy is loving school and making friends which makes me so happy. It’s so sweet to witness your child form friendships and watch those friendships grow. His bff is still his cousin Liam, and he talked about another friend at school, he would tell me what they’d play, what he likes, etc at school. To my surprise, no one in his class goes by this name so I assume he has an imaginary friend or he’s gotten confused on kids name 😂 We recently found out his bff isn’t even in his class, but across the hall and they meet and play at recess. This makes me smile and maybe means nothing to those reading but it’s such a cute thing to see as your he gets older. Speaking of – he turns 4 in less than a month and my mind cannot grasp this thought! How did my little cuddler, silly boy already become 4??

I’m going to end this quickly as I sit in waiting room of my transfer appointment and I want to sit and not think for a few minutes before taken back. Appreciate the love and prayers on our next steps to this journey!

4 Months | Ryken Spree

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Sweet, happy girl turned 4 months yesterday and I’m clueless how that happened so quickly.  How is it possible? 

Ryken is as happy as can be (besides the teething) most days.  She is just now starting to roll over and holds her head up so well.  Not one day has passed that she isn’t happy! ❤️ Her personality is starting to come out and she’s a little combination of sweet, ornery and sass.  She’s been sleeping like a champ until recently but no complaints – we’ll sleep someday 😂

Zayden still isn’t 110% sure about sissy but he’s warming up to her. He’s very excited about when she’s big enough to play with him! Some fun things about Zayden:

Continuing to love to learn, swim and be his curious little self. He knows more random facts about things that I can keep track up (most of these “facts” he tells me are spot on but occasionally he gets his info mixed up. One of the more questionable facts is turtles can jump up to 10x their length and they can jump 10 miles. 😂 Another cute thing he does, is wonders what color the car will be after we come out of the car wash. He’s always a little disappointed when my car comes out to be white after every wash lol.

Pandemic is still the pandemic, life is still limited, but we’ve adapted and are lucky enough to see all of our immediate family and enjoy the lake most weekends. Life is different but thankful for these two sweeties.

TWO. |Zayden

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My little man, I don’t know how time has gone so quickly and you turned two today. I write this as you sleep on my left arm, as you do every night. Yup, that’s right we break all the rules in this house apparently and he’s sleeping in our bed. Welcome to the world of two at the Vinsons. I remember telling myself we wouldn’t do that as parents and now I laugh bc it’s literally one of the highlights of us parenting is having your child roll over, hold you close and say, “Oh Momma” and slowly fall asleep. I want to remember these moments & phrases before they fade away, so I’ve compiled a list of my fave things Z says.

Oney = eleven

Sesen = seven (it’s cuter when he says it)

Mom Mom = instead of Momma or Mommie

Owwie = Ollie

Deaa = Della

Char-No = Charlie 😂 because I think he rarely says Charlie’s name without yelling no, generally bc he’s usually trying to steal his food.

Ohpp – like opp, oops and whoops all combined.

Oh Momma & Oh Dadda = cuddles

Fly bite = any type of scratch or bug bite, and he’s a little dramatic about those. A mosquito bite from 6 months ago he still talks about.

ABCDEs = letters

1,2,3,10 = numbers

Oof = orange

Rrrrrr (with a growl, and occassionally followed by ‘for Rachel’) = R

Brrrrue = blue (apparently, your quarter Hispanic blood allows you to roll those rs way better than me!

Tapzoy = trapzoid (but you like to say it in a rough, scary voice)

Q = qune

Cak = cake

Foot shnacks = fruit snacks

Snow = but said through your wrinkled up nose like you smell as you say it. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s my favorite ,😂

Rayannah & Hayden (which are two different people but always together) = Rain-ya

Dis = what’s this, which I hear all day long, even when he knows what “dis” is.

When we pray at night I always ask what God is doing and you say, “wating” which means watching over us!

You have some favorite things yourself, like your lizard toy named Lizard & your white stuffed dog named White Dog. 🤷‍♀️ We are working on your lack of creativity at the moment lol. Your mom & dad are still your favorites but your best friend Hayden & sitter Rayannah are coming in close!

You still want to eat mac-n-cheese or fruit snacks for every meal🙄 and oranges, blueberries, eggs, yogurt & waffles you’ll get by with. Still refusing alot if foods but will keep trying!

You know your letters, numbers to 20, all the shapes, and currently learning opposites which has been hysterical.

Your bike, playset & bouncy house are probably your favorite things to do, and throwing the ball to Charlie.

We’ve experienced so many firsts together in the past two years…

Travel to New York & Hawaii, somewhere none of us have gone until you came along!

2 different hospital stays & 1 surgery, which is not something Jason or myself are unfamiliar with, but it was a first having a child go through this. Croup & tonsillectomy were a terrible experience for us but thankfully the good Lord kept watch over the Drs and strong little man was better after a couple of weeks each time.

Trick-or-Treating was new to us this year as last time it was wet & cold and I definitely wasn’t letting you ear candy last year😂 anyways, last night was so fun. – you were so polite whispering trick or treat and thank you and would only take one piece of candy every time. It made me so happy to watch you do that and run from the house with excitement. I hate to tell you – it’s not likely you’re getting many pieces of that candy as I passed out most of it lol but I saved a handful for you. Because, I mean, sugar. 😬😂 I am a bit concerned you now think it’s acceptable to wander up to houses & trick or treat any random day but you’ll learn.

We got to experience seeing baby sissy (yes, I said sissy) on an ultrasound this week, something we’ve never been able to say in all the years of infertility and you were right there to see her kicking with us. I don’t know if you’re thrilled or not but you will be, because you are already the best big brother.

Here’s to many more firsts, adventures and so many hugs & kisses with us. We love you little man and so proud of who you are! ❤️

Seven. ❤️

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Seven, that’s how many heaven babies we have. To some that may seem like a drop in a bucket to their several more losses. To others it may seem like too many to still be sane (my sanity is still in question), and there are countless others that will say to themselves, atleast you were able to get pregnant. I’ve thought every single one of those thoughts over the years and today I just am grateful for the littles we have.

A couple of months ago I was at the Dr office and I was asked if we’ve had any miscarriages and I huffed and said “uh ya,” and she asked me how many and my reply was “alot.” However, she needed more information, she needed a number before she would look at my first ultrasound this pregnancy… So I counted. I managed to come up with 5 losses, unfortunately what I hadn’t counted yet was the 2 we lost during our IVF processes. Maybe those don’t qualify as miscarriages but embryos that we lost
They were viable embryos and I did carry them, even if only for days. I don’t say this to strum up past, sad feelings but I say it to explain just how mentally exhausting infertility is. It takes a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and to think I hadn’t even begun to register the last two losses we experienced. It’s been almost 2 years since one and about 11 weeks since the last…you would think that would be enough time, but the reality is you never “get over” a loss. If it’s the loss of not having a positive pregnancy test, miscarriage, a phantom pregnancy, ectopic, or loss of a child you have had the privilege to hold in your arms. The loss is always with you.

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I usually share our story, my video I created last IVF process or the blog I put together with 12 other strong ladies about our losses. But this year I encourage you to share your story. Tell me about your beautiful little one you were able to meet even if only via ultrasound. If not me, share with someone the loss you experienced and remember those sweet babies in Heaven. I’ll be remembering our seven a little extra this month.

Never as planned..

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This week things didn’t go as planned. I imagined a call Tuesday or Wednesday to find out the gender and (hopefully) good news on genetic testing. Tuesday & Wednesday went by with no news as I patiently impatiently waited. In the meantime, since this is very likely our last pregnancy, we thought we would do a special ultrasound at the end of our first trimester to just see little one and let Jason & Zayden see it’s not actually a baby shark 🤦🏼‍♀️. Let’s just say Zayden is still not fully convinced. I did share a little photo at the bottom of the post because the way a child is formed at just 12 weeks truly is a miracle. ***If you’re at a place in your life a bitty baby picture could trigger something for you, just stop reading this post early. I’ve been there, I get it and speaking from personal experience, don’t do it to yourself.***

Little one appeared healthy but he/she is also 12 weeks, so of course it’s early. It also is hard to determine the gender and the sweet woman doing the ultrasound made 2 guesses and there is 100% chance she is right on one of the guesses. 😂

Thursday rolled around and we got that Dr. call… I was on the phone with Jason and quickly hung up, because I didn’t want to miss this call. I could tell our sweet nurse wasn’t as bubbly as normal, so my mind circled with hundreds of thoughts while silently screaming in my head, “Just tell me.” Due to the twin we lost (what they call a vanishing twin), the results came back messy. The test read as high risk for several things. My heart dropped. Soooooo, it isn’t necessarily bad news because it’s likely just from the vanishing twin, right? Right?? An answer I don’t really have at the moment. We pray the high risk things are just coming from the vanishing twin, but I’d be lying if I said my confidence about this pregnancy wasn’t quickly deflated as my mind filled with thoughts of fear and worry. I no longer care the gender (not that I did before but I was looking forward to knowing), but now all we want to know is that Baby V is healthy.

I’ve been told by the very few people we’ve told that “God has this.” And He absolutely does, but my confidence is just shaken. Due to the vanishing twin, there may not be a genetic test we can do to determine if all things are in the clear, and if not we can wait but that peace of mind is worth something to this mama. I always thought – we’ve gone through the struggle. He knows we can’t handle more, that’s why Zayden pregnancy and birth were pretty darn easy, but maybe He isn’t quite done with our struggle yet. Who knows. We’d be guessing and left without answers so just continuing to pray for healthy baby and trying my hardest to enjoy this pregnancy. God knows that little one needs all the love no matter what and that’s what we are here for.

Of course, all the negative thoughts or comments are strictly coming from the things I’ve created in my head and none of it is fact but just assumptions. So do not take this as a sad post, just one that is leaving us with questions. For all we know little one is healthy but having that confirmation is always nice to have…but until then, here’s a sweet picture of our bitty baby! ❤️

For those following the past few posts and keeping C & B in your prayers – their transfer days are quickly approaching and they need a few more for good, successful transfers with no stress & worries! ❤️

Hello 8 weeks.

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This week marks 8 weeks & the last injection I plan to take on this (or any) IVF journey.  Maybe the future will hold another IVF journey, but at this moment in our life, this time around was exhausting and brutal enough that I think we’d like this week to be our last injection ever.

This last injection marks a significant amount of anxiety and an abundance of letting go of control.  Progesterone (the only injection I’m currently on) is like a safety net in my mind.  It’s what keeps my pregnancy viable (whether that’s partly true or not true at all, that’s how I think).  Every time we’ve done IVF it’s been successful, every time we haven’t it hasn’t been successful…do you get my thought process?  I know that there’s way more to this than daily injections, there’s a Maker that has a bigger plan than what a silly injection can do every day.  So, this last injection marks my letting go of control. Not that I have any control, but it’s the one thing I can consciously do that I know is healthy for baby.  Like I know that that ice cream Sundae I had for lunch may not have been the best option, but I also know that progesterone shot every night is just an added pick up for that sweet baby growing.  So this week I’ve been working on these anxieties and letting go.

Vinson Images-26
This photo is actually from last IVF journey, but still depicts exactly how we both feel about injections every day. 

I thought when I started writing this, that I would be saying this whole experience has been bittersweet, but really I’m just grateful.  I’m grateful for the experience and being able to share with people.  Grateful that both times we’ve done IVF we were successful (this isn’t very common and to say we’re grateful it has worked is an vast understatement).  Grateful for the sickness, it reminds me that little one is growing. Grateful we had the small glimpse that we had 2 babies this time around but 1 littles didn’t make it.  Don’t read that wrong, we are sad that we lost 1 and honestly I don’t think I’ve fully processed it yet, but grateful we even had the opportunity to have 2 is pretty freaking amazing. Grateful my body isn’t too old yet to get through this (and I’m pretty sure I’m pushing the limits here! ha). Grateful for the support of so many people checking on us, getting us through the days, or just knowing they are there! Grateful to a total stranger for giving me her extra bottle of progesterone because I forgot to order mine in time.  I mean…they say it takes a village to raise children.  It takes a whole state to get someone through an IVF journey (a successful one), it takes more like a damn country to get someone through an unsuccessful IVF journey. To say we’re grateful doesn’t truly describe how we feel.

Even half way through, I’m still a little hesitant to write this blog because it’s still so early.  We’ve been at this exact stage in multiple pregnancies before and I regretted telling people our good news, just to turnaround and tell them that we lost a little ones.  So I am a little reserved to tell my mom how many weeks we are (almost every time I see her she asks lol), and I’m a little unsure on publishing this blog, and when people ask how things are going, I’m just now feeling comfortable enough to smile and tell them it’s going good.  But here’s the thing.  I started this whole blog over 2 years ago because I was trying to be open and honest about infertility journey.  For myself, it’s almost therapeutic, but also for others.  I can’t count the number of people who have reached out to me (from all over the world) that read my blog or our story and had questions, gave support, and/or asked for prayers for their journey.   So sharing this great news too early is part of the journey. I’m not saying it isn’t scary…it’s scary and it’s exciting all at the same time.  But I need to do it.  Jason, probably more so than me, doesn’t feel like it’s “real” yet and I have my moments on whether it is real or not.  But it is…it’s real if it’s successful or not.  We have a little one growing right now and we are hoping to bring this little one into the world and be the best sibling possible for Zayden.  Speaking of Mr. Zayden….we’ve asked him a few times over the past few weeks if he wants another baby.  He doesn’t want me to have a baby most days, some days he wants to have a baby just for himself, and this week he decided he wants a “Bubba” instead of a “Sissy.” He also thinks there’s a baby hiding inside of my belly button and tries to find it….he’ll figure it out eventually (I hope).

Anyways, I guess I don’t know exactly where I was going with this post, besides giving a nonchalant way of telling people our good news.  Yes, IVF did work but also sharing it doesn’t mean we will end up with a happy ending.  We are praying everything goes so well, and we are thankful for where we are at this point and we are hoping that we don’t have to come back and tell everyone we lost a little one, but we are putting trust in God and knowing “He has this.”

Friends (or strangers) – if you’re going through this or something similar and you don’t want to share with the world….I’m here for ya.  Don’t hesitate to reach out.  Talking it out will go such a long ways.  Whatever you do, don’t let those anxieties and fears creep in over you.  And if you do feel comfortable, share with others…you’d be amazed by the number of people watching you through your journey.

 

One more day

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I titled this post one more day, but then I laughed to myself because I’d like to say one more day til we know if IVF is successful but it’s not just one more day. It’s one more day to see if there are any embryos that made it then 8 more days to see if it was successful, then 2 more days to see if it is still successful and then 2 more days to see if it’s still still successful. And then it’s the rest of the pregnancy waiting on pins and needles to see if little one(s) is developing as he or she should or if something is wrong, etc etc. One more day is just the beginning of it.

Tomorrow is transfer day. I say that cautiously optimistic because we haven’t had an update on the embryos since the day after retrieval which actually has been quite a relief. Last time we got an update day after retrieval and on day 3 and day 5 (day of transfer). Last time around we started off with 18 egg, 13 fertilized, and ended up with 2 “poor” embryos but we got our sweet Z man from those and that is more than I could have wished for. This time around we got 19 eggs, 13 fertilized and we will see what tomorrow brings. I’m a bit overcome with emotions as I think about tomorrow morning. I recall last time the dreaded call we recieved, letting us know there were only 2 that made it and they were “poor” and needed to know if we wanted to proceed. Ehhhhh. Not the call you’re wanting to get the morning of transfer but I rudely said, “I mean, ya….were already this far, what’s it going to hurt.” And a moment we dreamed would be filled with excitement was torn into pieces and we began our IVF journey with low expectations. Boy was I beyond wrong. Zayden proves that to me every single day. ❤️

But tomorrow, I try not to think of it but I’m dreading that morning call and nervous what they may say, but I pray I take whatever news with grace. I have to admit, I’m a little sad that I’ve been a bit distracted this IVF journey. I’ve been a little distracted on all aspects from my faith to being consumed by every aspect of it. I’m not real sure why but I feel a little guilty but maybe it’s me letting go of the control because I know I have no control. I never did, but sometimes it’s easy to think that you do, like if I eat this or that, drink more water, do all the IVF tips, take my meds or shots exactly at the right time every day but that’s not how it works. It’s not in my control, or Jason’s and although all those things may improve chances, it really is out of our control. So whatever happens tomorrow, no matter what they say on the call, I know there is a bigger plan!

❤️ Thanks for the love and prayers friends! Also, continue to pray for my sweet friends B & C, they have big moments coming up and could use prayers!

Little prayer

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

I can’t sleep, maybe from some nerves or may be from not having Bubs by our side. Either way, I’ve been laying in this big King size bed and not getting any sleep (while Jason is in sweet Dream land of course) 😂

So I decided to do something different and write out my prayer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this beautiful quiet morning and the opportunity you’ve given us to be here. We know so many don’t get the opportunity to do IVF once let alone twice and we are so grateful for this. Thank you for my family taking care of our awesome little man, and all the support we get from family, friends and strangers that just have heard or read about our story.

Please give me peace dear Lord. Please help me to feel calm and confident that you have this in control. And please help me understand that no matter the outcome, you’ve got this covered. I also ask for wisdom for the Dr, anesthesia and nurses to do their best and make the best decisions for us. And my body to do well with the procedure and come off anaesthesia easily. And please give Jason strength to put up with me 😊

I pray for tons of healthy eggs Lord. Healthy everything in fact. And that they find their home this weekend. Please keep those embryos strong and growing as they should in preparation for next week!

And dear Lord, please take care of bub while we are traveling and keep him safe and let him feel all the love that we know he’s getting! We pray for safe travels and good healthy outcome today. Thank you for being there, always. Thank you for being our rock.

Oh and, please please help B & C to also have an amazing outcome. B’s retrieval is tomorrow and I know she’s traveling with a small one and that has to be hectic. Please keep her calm and give her an incredible outcome. And give C patience and not to overthink results but have an incredible outcome next week as well. Give their Dr wisdom and help their bodies to produce the best and healthiest eggs possible. You know they deserve this and I pray they will be so successful this time! ❤️ So please healthy bodies, eggs and good levels! And if things are not in the cards for any of us, please give us peace and help us to understand you have a plan.

Thank you for everything. I love you, in Jesus name we pray. Amen.

In the back of my head I hear Zayden quietly saying, “I luv you dog” and pointing to the sky as he does after most prayers. Translation: “I love you God.” Hoping He appreciates being called a dog in this instance. ❤️

Procedure at 8:45 am 🙌