Tag: infertility

Thoughts and things…

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There’s a few things that have been swirling through my mind the past few days.

First… the thought of why are so many people going through struggles.  Couples that are praying every day and begging for children have issues or hiccups or not able to conceive and I just don’t understand why.  The only thing I can say when I hear a story is tell them that I know God has a plan for us and He knows the amount we can withstand, and I pray that someday, I can understand whatever He throws at us….  In the meantime, ya got to keep the faith and keep moving forward.

Other thoughts swirling up in that big noggin are…excitement of what we may find out tomorrow, if we can start thinking about names, and how will we change up the house for their room?  Then I have feelings on the other spectrum, the anxiety of what we may find out tomorrow, if I will miscarry on my own or will I have to get another D&C.  Honestly, I’ve already thought about what we’d do if this happened; and I’d get a D&C asap, as in Monday, so I could be recuperated by next week’s wedding in Maine.  So I guess if it goes that route, I’ll pray I can get in somewhere to make that happen Monday, have a day or two of recuperation and Thursday off to Maine.  Not ideal, right?   Obviously, I know it may seem like I’m just thinking negatively, but I’m really not.  My imagination is HUGE and it runs wild pretty regularly, however in this situation I’m just trying to be realistic with myself and prepare myself for what may come.

There are three ways the appointment can go tomorrow.  We can find out good news & hear a heartbeat(s) (yay, obviously what we’ve been praying for), or we can find out not so good news and have that feeling in my heart ripped out again, or third situation (which I haven’t thought about til a good friend text me and told me it was possible – not to scare me but to prepare me, if necessary) but that we receive news that yes, there is something in there but we can’t hear the heartbeat b/c they’re too young.  Not going to lie, my heart sank a little when I heard that was a possibility. What’s funny is, I knew it was a possibility all along, I just didn’t think that would happen to us.  So thankful for my sweet friend that told me that happened with her now 5 year old.  For my state of mind, I just feel I need to hear a heartbeat.  I need that, for my sanity and for comfort.  I know the comfort would be temporary, but at least we’d receive some.

It’s sad really to go through a pregnancy like this.  (I know) I’ve had multiple people reach out and tell me not to worry and enjoy all the moments.  I completely 110% get it and agree.  It’s just once you have that first miscarriage you play it more cautiously.  You eat and drink only recommended things.  You take it easy and don’t overdo it, even when it isn’t convenient.  And you pray and don’t tell anyone for fear you’d have to go back and tell them, “Hey, we miscarried, so ya…”  Or what’s even worse is forgetting to tell someone you secretly told and 3 months later they ask how you’re feeling.  Ugh.  Anyways, after this many, I’m ready for that little heartbeat(s).  These moments should be nerves full of excitement, not nerves full of worry/anxiety.  And granted, I’m doing my best to be positive, but I’ve noticed all my self-portrait photos, I’m not smiling, I’m being cautious to be too happy.  It sucks….  I’m totally not complaining, because this situation is what God has decided we’re strong enough for, so please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I just don’t like the fact that I think like this….how do you get out of your head and fully enjoy this moment of waiting….. I’ll let you know when I figure it out I guess.

Heartbeat or not, Jason will not be there to hear it and unfortunately my silly phone decided to stop recording sound today so he won’t get the opportunity to hear a heartbeat live or even by recording.  But I know he’ll get to some day and that is something to look forward to…

We appreciate the prayers for tomorrow…

Distractions…

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Several distractions are going on this week, which is exactly what I’ve needed to keep my nerves about the 6 week ultrasound on Friday to a minimum.  Small distractions, like Jason being in India, tornado warnings (ya know, small things…) and then the bigger & more annoying ones like the dogs being muddy every single night (baths for days) and small cold I’ve seem to caught (thanks Jason).  This takes up much of my free time, so less time to sit there and dwell on what will / won’t happen on Friday.

Yet, it also makes me a little sad that I feel I’ve gotten a little complacement? with this pregnancy, where I’m not focused on it enough.  Maybe that’s a good thing?  I just feel like I should spend the majority of my time focused on the little ones and praying they are healthy and growing!  Maybe this is just how a parent always feels.  You’re always thinking, worrying about your children and some days you’re simply too busy and not giving them enough attention.  #parentlife

Enough of the rambling… no real changes with me this week.  I still don’t “feel” pregnant like I have in the past, which could all be in my head.  I may be having a little morning sickness but not until 3ish pm.  I think that’s what it is….but I don’t know to be honest.  It could be my head cold and just taking too much out of me, or it could be me just being hungry and I feel a little weak.  Only other things that are changing is I get dizzy occasionally when I get up too quickly.  I find myself getting up and pausing a few seconds before moving much more, and that seems to help. Beyond that, I don’t “feel” pregnant (no bloating, exhaustion, etc).  Everyone and every pregnancy is different though, so throw your expectations out the window.  No one has control over this but the good Lord, so I’ll just take symptoms as they come or don’t come….  And lastly, I’m starting to get much better at giving the progesterone shots to myself.  The first day on my own, I hit a vein (dang it), so I had to start all over and I questioned myself if I could really do them on my own or not.  It’s getting much easier and as long as I’m relaxed (or as relaxed as I can be), it doesn’t seem to hurt, so that is a win.  So I will keep trucking along and hopefully kick this cold in the meantime.  And will continue praying the little one(s) will show up for me on Friday and will be healthy, healthy, healthy!

Ps.  I probably don’t sound too worried about Friday, but jeez I am, I am just allowing myself to continue to be distracted, because dwelling on what may or may not happen isn’t doing me and/or little ones any good.  And I’m working on giving those worries up to God, because He is in control, not me.

Thankful & in need of strength..

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Thankful for all the incredible people in our lives that are saying prayers for our levels to increase!  And they did!  Again, praise the Lord!  Our levels increased to 2,362, which is a healthy increase that I will not complain about!

I cannot complain about anything else either.  Every step on this journey, I’m going to be thankful.  Currently, the hubs is sick, like sick sick (sicker than the normal man cold), and hasn’t been able to help much around the house when I’m exhausted.  In addition, he’s leaving for India tomorrow and then on the 16th, we meet in Maine for a wedding.  Therefore, the stress level is a bit higher than I’d like and the house isn’t as germ-free as I would prefer and we aren’t at our healthiest, but we’ve got to be thankful.  This morning I got down on my knees and thanked God that Jason was going through this sickness…I didn’t know WHY he was going through this sickness, but it is for a reason and maybe to get it out of his system before he travels to a foreign country..I’m not even going to pretend to know why he is, but it’s for a reason, so we should be thankful for it.  Thankful for this sickness and for the stress that tends to come with it.

Although, we’re thankful, we’re also a wee bit nervous.  Because our next Dr. appointment is next Friday.  On the 10th, we get our 6 week ultrasound done and this is exciting but oh, so nerve wracking.  Ultrasounds – I’ve had plenty of those bad boys.  They can be really exciting, especially when you finally hear that heartbeat and the Dr. says, “Everything looks good.”  Except, we’ve never experienced this.  It’s always been silent and cold, as you see the smile slowly fall off the nurse’s face, and you have this awkward moment where you know, she knows you know it’s bad news.  You just nod and suck it up and hold strong to not cry til she leaves the room.  She scurries to grab a doctor and you receive the inevitable, the only news you didn’t want to hear that day.

There was one time,  we heard a heartbeat, well I heard a heartbeat.  I was going back to an emergency surgery and he couldn’t be with me in the room.  I heard a heartbeat, a strong one, and the nurse quickly said, that’s just your blood flowing, not a heartbeat.  Later to find out, she was just trying to comfort me because it was a heartbeat, a heartbeat inside my fallopian tube.  It was our 2nd ectopic pregnancy and that little one wasn’t a vital pregnancy and unfortunately we lost him/her. 😦  I really, really don’t want to experience this again.  I need to hear a strong heartbeat.  I want to have the doctor exclaim, “Everything looks great!”  I desire to feel that inside of me.  I need that, but maybe God may have a different plan and I know this.  Therefore, I need strength to get through this next week.  I need peace to do this ultrasound fearlessly, and without losing my mind.  Jason will be missing this ultrasound (in India), so I’ll be doing this solo.  Well, I say solo, but I know God will be by my side and I’ll also probably bring my mom with me.  I’ll just make her wait in the waiting room because if it’s bad news, I’d rather lose it by myself than with her there.  I cope better that way.  So strength.  I need you this week. In the meantime, I’ll just be thankful.

Learning experience

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I had a little spotting today.  I know that can be common, I also know that it can mean things aren’t working out (to my hopes).  Maybe this is a learning experience.  Maybe God is telling me I’m much stronger than I think and He’s teaching me something bigger.  So I’ve decided to make a list of things I have learned throughout this process.

  • I can take a shot like a champ. Seriously though.
  • My patience is very thin.  I mean, I’ve known this my entire life, but I realized it is time to stop making excuses for it, and time to actually do something about it.
  • Some people just won’t show up. This is kind of sad, but I get it.  There are so many people there for us, but a few that I was sure would be there are just a little MIA. I read an article this morning about this exact subject and it made me realize that it is pretty common.  Maybe we’re all just pretty selfish in this world and we expect too much out of others.  Which leads me to my next one…
  • I’m a little selfish and I expect too much!  My husband is #1 person to experience this (pray for him).  I really didn’t think I was, but I am.  I feel like I’m doing all these shots and taking all these meds and I should get a little extra credit or something.  Apparently, it doesn’t work like that.
  • When you want something so badly, you can will your body into thinking it has it, when it definitely may not.
  • My hubs is patient, not all the time but 95% of the time and he’s pretty freaking awesome all together!
  • No one’s IVF experience will ever be the same.  Everyone has different meds, different schedules, and no two experiences are similar. We are all created so uniquely, that everyone that goes through IVF is completely different than the next person’s.  Mind blowing.
  • True laughter is necessary. Every. Single. Day.  Not the fake laugh or smirk here and there, true, genuine laughter.
  • It’s a little difficult to be home at 8:00 on the dot for medications.  Your entire schedule changes and you have to shift your priorities to your medication.  Do you have enough time to eat out and make it back in time?  Can I run this errand before then? It’s an very interesting thing to always account for.  Maybe it’s prepping you for baby waking up at the most inopportune time.
  • Taking pictures of each moment and feeling (happy, upset, crying) is really eye opening for me.  One time I was lying on a floor, bawling, in a hotel room and Jason tried to comfort me and I said no…take a picture.  I need to remember this.
  • Being understanding is vital. You don’t have to do everything for someone, but to understand what someone is going through (the nerves, the emotions, the physical toll it takes) and how all of that affects them.  Affects their personality, their thoughts and how they react to simple things.  You and/or your loved ones will experience this.
  • You don’t want to do all the social activities. Man, I love to be out and about!  I don’t like to miss out on things… but I don’t care anymore. I want to lay down, rest, take it easy, and pray.
  • You share your story, and hundreds of others will share with you.  This is so powerful.  I’m blown away by the real relationships I’ve made by simply sharing our story. One friend, whom used to be a wedding client, that I really only talked to if I saw her / her family or through social media.  And now, we text each other almost every day and I truly care about her and her family. Not necessarily something I expected to happen.
  • My emotions are ALL over the place, all the time. I’ve teared up about 7 times as I’m typing this article lol.
  • You will never go to the bathroom and not wonder, “Will there be blood?” That is such a huge fear.  Yet, every time I sit down, this comes to my mind. Unfortunately, this morning there was a little.
  • Prayer is much more comforting than I’ve experienced in the past.  Maybe my prayers in the past have been selfish prayers, but it has developed into a much different experience.  It’s more about having a relationship with your Maker. I’m far from where I’d like to be, but praying that continues to develop.
  • Speaking of prayer, it doesn’t always have to be love-love prayer.  You can be mad at God, you can question Him, but you have to let it go and TRUST Him.  Again, it’s about that relationship.
  • Packing to travel is much more complicated.  Pack enough needles, and back ups, meds, and other small items you normally don’t have to worry about.
  • We are absolutely, 110% not in control.  
  • His way is the best way.  I may not understand it.  I may question it and I likely will argue with it, but His way truly is the best way.

I guess that sums it up for now, I’ll likely come back and edit this and add things as they come to mind.  Just a few things to consider if you and/or your loved one is going through IVF. I’ll continue praying this is more than just a learning experience, but for now I do not know and it is out of my control, and praying is what I can do.

I don’t know…

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That’s been my answer several times today when family and friends ask me how I’m doing.  “I don’t know,” seems to be the only response that I can seem to spit out.  The emotions, the feelings, the wondering and waiting have really muddied my level-headed thoughts and I just don’t know how I feel.

I’ve been achy or crampy since the transfer basically.  It hasn’t been a big deal and I knew that would be a common thing I’d have.  Implantation = cramps, or child loss = cramps.  I knew going into this that cramps would be a sensation I would have.  However, even having this knowledge upfront doesn’t help my mind from wandering what each cramp is or what it means.

We find out this Friday on the results.  WE FIND OUT THIS FRIDAY.  My nerves are a little bit of a wreck, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m kind of sad, all while just continuing to tell myself to perk up, be happy, enjoy this moment, breathe, give your worries to God.  I’m doing all these things and that silly mind of mine keeps wondering what’s going on inside.  But this Friday we will have a definitive answer.  And this has me feeling like…. I just don’t know.  I’m really all over the place, and I can’t seem to put into words what I’m feeling. Honestly, it makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking of all the emotions that I’m trying to fight off.

But we have faith.  And we know we’re doing everything we’re supposed to be doing.  Keeping my feet warm, eating the things you’re supposed to eat (good fats, soups, healthy food), avoiding the sugary stuff that I’ve been craving!  Not picking anything up over 5 lbs (which seems extreme, but I’m still doing it).  Getting plenty of sleep, drinking plenty of water and laying low.  Goodness, I’ve never layed so low in my life!  Ha!  And we pray most of the day on our own and we pray together every night, praying over these little two embryos that they are healthy, they are growing, they are strong and will continue to grow.  Praying they are God’s will for us.

Today is our 7th year anniversary and all I want is to have children here on earth with us.  So if you’re reading this & you want to gift something, say a prayer that these babies are healthy, strong, and God’s will for us and they will keep on growing!  That would be the greatest anniversary gift. 🙂

In the meantime, we’ll just wait, try not to wonder, wait some more, and find out the results on Friday.

Transfer.

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Yesterday.  Yesterday was a little of a bumpy ride.  We were pretty shocked to find out our 13 healthy embryos were wittled down to almost nothing within a short 5 days.  I still don’t completely understand how that happens, but I know it happens.  My plans of implanting 2, freezing a handful for the future, and donating the rest to other couples struggling with infertility abruptly stopped in their tracks.  Hopes and dreams of what I thought would happen disappeared. And my heart was crushed.  

Yet, there is always a glimmer of hope in destruction and we prayed that we would understand and that we were thankful for this situation and experience we were going through.  It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less, it just meant we knew we weren’t going through it alone and there is a plan for us. 

The doctors decided to push the transfer back 5 hours, in hopes the little ones may grow a little more, unlike they thought they would.  Two little ones did slightly, but their quality was so poor they didn’t even grade them.  Luckily, we were given the opportunity to discard the embryos or transfer, because freezing with their quality wasn’t an option.  Of course, we decided to transfer those two little ones and pray they would thrive in their home, my uterus.  Good thing my husband is part superhero and I know those little ones won’t give up easily.  They will fight.  They will grow.  They will be strong.

In the meantime, I’m just doing my best to be strong.  Cry if I need to, but not sit around and wallow in sadness.  Be strong, brave, positive, patient, level-headed and fearless. I mean, if two “poor” quality embryos can fight, I can too.

Retrieval.

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I’ve spent most of the weekend doing nothing, per doctor’s orders.  They wanted to keep eye on my ovaries and be sure they did not get overstimulated. Egg retrieval was Friday and went very well (in my opinion).  We retrieved 15 eggs, and 13 of them fertilized normally so that is a very good outcome.  Fresh transfer is scheduled for this coming Wednesday as long as those embryos keep on growing healthily and I do not do too much and overstimulate my ovaries.  Prayers appreciated the next two days! 

I had big plans for egg retrieval day.  I had it set in my mind we would get a good night’s sleep and we would wake up rested, happy, and ready to go.  I had planned to take photos from my point of view all day long.  See, I’m a photographer and unfortunately, I have put it off to the side as I get through some internal struggles of mine.  However, today was the day I was going to overcome it because I needed to document this.  Well, plans went as they normally go…completely the opposite.  Instead my morning was filled with frustration, running late (not me), some raised voices, rushing rushing rushing and a lot of emotionally exhausted tears.  And I didn’t document any of it.  I was doing my best to make sure everything was in place, everything and everyone (ahem husband) would be on time and it would be a stress-less day, but God had a different plan (He’s funny like that). 

Instead, the morning was chaos just like our lives.  And I was reminded, oh so humbly, that I am not in control and all these small things were not the important part of the day. The important part of the day is retrieving eggs and praying those babies grow.  Thankfully, they retrieved 15 eggs, and 13 of them fertilized normally.  (Wow!). Our goal is to implant 2 embryos Wednesday morning!  Ahhhh!!!  The excitement is pretty overwhelming, and also a little nerve racking.

Taking it easy is the name of my game for next few days.  We will go back to KC tomorrow evening for night of relaxing before implantation Wednesday!  Then taking it easy for the rest of the week!  Goal is to lay low and enjoy it.  And do all the implantation tips I have been reading about, keeping my feet and my uterus warm at all times, eating pineapple (with the core), avocados, and relaxing. 😀. I mean, if I have to, I think I can do that!  Prayers are of course welcome, in the mean time…you can find me on the couch, pretty similar to this.