Tag: Invitro

Seven. ❤️

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Seven, that’s how many heaven babies we have. To some that may seem like a drop in a bucket to their several more losses. To others it may seem like too many to still be sane (my sanity is still in question), and there are countless others that will say to themselves, atleast you were able to get pregnant. I’ve thought every single one of those thoughts over the years and today I just am grateful for the littles we have.

A couple of months ago I was at the Dr office and I was asked if we’ve had any miscarriages and I huffed and said “uh ya,” and she asked me how many and my reply was “alot.” However, she needed more information, she needed a number before she would look at my first ultrasound this pregnancy… So I counted. I managed to come up with 5 losses, unfortunately what I hadn’t counted yet was the 2 we lost during our IVF processes. Maybe those don’t qualify as miscarriages but embryos that we lost
They were viable embryos and I did carry them, even if only for days. I don’t say this to strum up past, sad feelings but I say it to explain just how mentally exhausting infertility is. It takes a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and to think I hadn’t even begun to register the last two losses we experienced. It’s been almost 2 years since one and about 11 weeks since the last…you would think that would be enough time, but the reality is you never “get over” a loss. If it’s the loss of not having a positive pregnancy test, miscarriage, a phantom pregnancy, ectopic, or loss of a child you have had the privilege to hold in your arms. The loss is always with you.

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I usually share our story, my video I created last IVF process or the blog I put together with 12 other strong ladies about our losses. But this year I encourage you to share your story. Tell me about your beautiful little one you were able to meet even if only via ultrasound. If not me, share with someone the loss you experienced and remember those sweet babies in Heaven. I’ll be remembering our seven a little extra this month.

Never as planned..

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This week things didn’t go as planned. I imagined a call Tuesday or Wednesday to find out the gender and (hopefully) good news on genetic testing. Tuesday & Wednesday went by with no news as I patiently impatiently waited. In the meantime, since this is very likely our last pregnancy, we thought we would do a special ultrasound at the end of our first trimester to just see little one and let Jason & Zayden see it’s not actually a baby shark 🤦🏼‍♀️. Let’s just say Zayden is still not fully convinced. I did share a little photo at the bottom of the post because the way a child is formed at just 12 weeks truly is a miracle. ***If you’re at a place in your life a bitty baby picture could trigger something for you, just stop reading this post early. I’ve been there, I get it and speaking from personal experience, don’t do it to yourself.***

Little one appeared healthy but he/she is also 12 weeks, so of course it’s early. It also is hard to determine the gender and the sweet woman doing the ultrasound made 2 guesses and there is 100% chance she is right on one of the guesses. 😂

Thursday rolled around and we got that Dr. call… I was on the phone with Jason and quickly hung up, because I didn’t want to miss this call. I could tell our sweet nurse wasn’t as bubbly as normal, so my mind circled with hundreds of thoughts while silently screaming in my head, “Just tell me.” Due to the twin we lost (what they call a vanishing twin), the results came back messy. The test read as high risk for several things. My heart dropped. Soooooo, it isn’t necessarily bad news because it’s likely just from the vanishing twin, right? Right?? An answer I don’t really have at the moment. We pray the high risk things are just coming from the vanishing twin, but I’d be lying if I said my confidence about this pregnancy wasn’t quickly deflated as my mind filled with thoughts of fear and worry. I no longer care the gender (not that I did before but I was looking forward to knowing), but now all we want to know is that Baby V is healthy.

I’ve been told by the very few people we’ve told that “God has this.” And He absolutely does, but my confidence is just shaken. Due to the vanishing twin, there may not be a genetic test we can do to determine if all things are in the clear, and if not we can wait but that peace of mind is worth something to this mama. I always thought – we’ve gone through the struggle. He knows we can’t handle more, that’s why Zayden pregnancy and birth were pretty darn easy, but maybe He isn’t quite done with our struggle yet. Who knows. We’d be guessing and left without answers so just continuing to pray for healthy baby and trying my hardest to enjoy this pregnancy. God knows that little one needs all the love no matter what and that’s what we are here for.

Of course, all the negative thoughts or comments are strictly coming from the things I’ve created in my head and none of it is fact but just assumptions. So do not take this as a sad post, just one that is leaving us with questions. For all we know little one is healthy but having that confirmation is always nice to have…but until then, here’s a sweet picture of our bitty baby! ❤️

For those following the past few posts and keeping C & B in your prayers – their transfer days are quickly approaching and they need a few more for good, successful transfers with no stress & worries! ❤️

Hello 8 weeks.

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This week marks 8 weeks & the last injection I plan to take on this (or any) IVF journey.  Maybe the future will hold another IVF journey, but at this moment in our life, this time around was exhausting and brutal enough that I think we’d like this week to be our last injection ever.

This last injection marks a significant amount of anxiety and an abundance of letting go of control.  Progesterone (the only injection I’m currently on) is like a safety net in my mind.  It’s what keeps my pregnancy viable (whether that’s partly true or not true at all, that’s how I think).  Every time we’ve done IVF it’s been successful, every time we haven’t it hasn’t been successful…do you get my thought process?  I know that there’s way more to this than daily injections, there’s a Maker that has a bigger plan than what a silly injection can do every day.  So, this last injection marks my letting go of control. Not that I have any control, but it’s the one thing I can consciously do that I know is healthy for baby.  Like I know that that ice cream Sundae I had for lunch may not have been the best option, but I also know that progesterone shot every night is just an added pick up for that sweet baby growing.  So this week I’ve been working on these anxieties and letting go.

Vinson Images-26
This photo is actually from last IVF journey, but still depicts exactly how we both feel about injections every day. 

I thought when I started writing this, that I would be saying this whole experience has been bittersweet, but really I’m just grateful.  I’m grateful for the experience and being able to share with people.  Grateful that both times we’ve done IVF we were successful (this isn’t very common and to say we’re grateful it has worked is an vast understatement).  Grateful for the sickness, it reminds me that little one is growing. Grateful we had the small glimpse that we had 2 babies this time around but 1 littles didn’t make it.  Don’t read that wrong, we are sad that we lost 1 and honestly I don’t think I’ve fully processed it yet, but grateful we even had the opportunity to have 2 is pretty freaking amazing. Grateful my body isn’t too old yet to get through this (and I’m pretty sure I’m pushing the limits here! ha). Grateful for the support of so many people checking on us, getting us through the days, or just knowing they are there! Grateful to a total stranger for giving me her extra bottle of progesterone because I forgot to order mine in time.  I mean…they say it takes a village to raise children.  It takes a whole state to get someone through an IVF journey (a successful one), it takes more like a damn country to get someone through an unsuccessful IVF journey. To say we’re grateful doesn’t truly describe how we feel.

Even half way through, I’m still a little hesitant to write this blog because it’s still so early.  We’ve been at this exact stage in multiple pregnancies before and I regretted telling people our good news, just to turnaround and tell them that we lost a little ones.  So I am a little reserved to tell my mom how many weeks we are (almost every time I see her she asks lol), and I’m a little unsure on publishing this blog, and when people ask how things are going, I’m just now feeling comfortable enough to smile and tell them it’s going good.  But here’s the thing.  I started this whole blog over 2 years ago because I was trying to be open and honest about infertility journey.  For myself, it’s almost therapeutic, but also for others.  I can’t count the number of people who have reached out to me (from all over the world) that read my blog or our story and had questions, gave support, and/or asked for prayers for their journey.   So sharing this great news too early is part of the journey. I’m not saying it isn’t scary…it’s scary and it’s exciting all at the same time.  But I need to do it.  Jason, probably more so than me, doesn’t feel like it’s “real” yet and I have my moments on whether it is real or not.  But it is…it’s real if it’s successful or not.  We have a little one growing right now and we are hoping to bring this little one into the world and be the best sibling possible for Zayden.  Speaking of Mr. Zayden….we’ve asked him a few times over the past few weeks if he wants another baby.  He doesn’t want me to have a baby most days, some days he wants to have a baby just for himself, and this week he decided he wants a “Bubba” instead of a “Sissy.” He also thinks there’s a baby hiding inside of my belly button and tries to find it….he’ll figure it out eventually (I hope).

Anyways, I guess I don’t know exactly where I was going with this post, besides giving a nonchalant way of telling people our good news.  Yes, IVF did work but also sharing it doesn’t mean we will end up with a happy ending.  We are praying everything goes so well, and we are thankful for where we are at this point and we are hoping that we don’t have to come back and tell everyone we lost a little one, but we are putting trust in God and knowing “He has this.”

Friends (or strangers) – if you’re going through this or something similar and you don’t want to share with the world….I’m here for ya.  Don’t hesitate to reach out.  Talking it out will go such a long ways.  Whatever you do, don’t let those anxieties and fears creep in over you.  And if you do feel comfortable, share with others…you’d be amazed by the number of people watching you through your journey.

 

One more day

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I titled this post one more day, but then I laughed to myself because I’d like to say one more day til we know if IVF is successful but it’s not just one more day. It’s one more day to see if there are any embryos that made it then 8 more days to see if it was successful, then 2 more days to see if it is still successful and then 2 more days to see if it’s still still successful. And then it’s the rest of the pregnancy waiting on pins and needles to see if little one(s) is developing as he or she should or if something is wrong, etc etc. One more day is just the beginning of it.

Tomorrow is transfer day. I say that cautiously optimistic because we haven’t had an update on the embryos since the day after retrieval which actually has been quite a relief. Last time we got an update day after retrieval and on day 3 and day 5 (day of transfer). Last time around we started off with 18 egg, 13 fertilized, and ended up with 2 “poor” embryos but we got our sweet Z man from those and that is more than I could have wished for. This time around we got 19 eggs, 13 fertilized and we will see what tomorrow brings. I’m a bit overcome with emotions as I think about tomorrow morning. I recall last time the dreaded call we recieved, letting us know there were only 2 that made it and they were “poor” and needed to know if we wanted to proceed. Ehhhhh. Not the call you’re wanting to get the morning of transfer but I rudely said, “I mean, ya….were already this far, what’s it going to hurt.” And a moment we dreamed would be filled with excitement was torn into pieces and we began our IVF journey with low expectations. Boy was I beyond wrong. Zayden proves that to me every single day. ❤️

But tomorrow, I try not to think of it but I’m dreading that morning call and nervous what they may say, but I pray I take whatever news with grace. I have to admit, I’m a little sad that I’ve been a bit distracted this IVF journey. I’ve been a little distracted on all aspects from my faith to being consumed by every aspect of it. I’m not real sure why but I feel a little guilty but maybe it’s me letting go of the control because I know I have no control. I never did, but sometimes it’s easy to think that you do, like if I eat this or that, drink more water, do all the IVF tips, take my meds or shots exactly at the right time every day but that’s not how it works. It’s not in my control, or Jason’s and although all those things may improve chances, it really is out of our control. So whatever happens tomorrow, no matter what they say on the call, I know there is a bigger plan!

❤️ Thanks for the love and prayers friends! Also, continue to pray for my sweet friends B & C, they have big moments coming up and could use prayers!

Little prayer

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I can’t sleep, maybe from some nerves or may be from not having Bubs by our side. Either way, I’ve been laying in this big King size bed and not getting any sleep (while Jason is in sweet Dream land of course) 😂

So I decided to do something different and write out my prayer.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this beautiful quiet morning and the opportunity you’ve given us to be here. We know so many don’t get the opportunity to do IVF once let alone twice and we are so grateful for this. Thank you for my family taking care of our awesome little man, and all the support we get from family, friends and strangers that just have heard or read about our story.

Please give me peace dear Lord. Please help me to feel calm and confident that you have this in control. And please help me understand that no matter the outcome, you’ve got this covered. I also ask for wisdom for the Dr, anesthesia and nurses to do their best and make the best decisions for us. And my body to do well with the procedure and come off anaesthesia easily. And please give Jason strength to put up with me 😊

I pray for tons of healthy eggs Lord. Healthy everything in fact. And that they find their home this weekend. Please keep those embryos strong and growing as they should in preparation for next week!

And dear Lord, please take care of bub while we are traveling and keep him safe and let him feel all the love that we know he’s getting! We pray for safe travels and good healthy outcome today. Thank you for being there, always. Thank you for being our rock.

Oh and, please please help B & C to also have an amazing outcome. B’s retrieval is tomorrow and I know she’s traveling with a small one and that has to be hectic. Please keep her calm and give her an incredible outcome. And give C patience and not to overthink results but have an incredible outcome next week as well. Give their Dr wisdom and help their bodies to produce the best and healthiest eggs possible. You know they deserve this and I pray they will be so successful this time! ❤️ So please healthy bodies, eggs and good levels! And if things are not in the cards for any of us, please give us peace and help us to understand you have a plan.

Thank you for everything. I love you, in Jesus name we pray. Amen.

In the back of my head I hear Zayden quietly saying, “I luv you dog” and pointing to the sky as he does after most prayers. Translation: “I love you God.” Hoping He appreciates being called a dog in this instance. ❤️

Procedure at 8:45 am 🙌

Momma guilt

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Mom guilt. That dreaded feeling can be the worst. I’m currently feeling a few different emotions, mostly out of sheer exhaustion and uncomfortableness (physically) but I have pinpointed back to Mom Guilt.

I’m sitting here in Starbucks parking lot typing this. Just sitting in the parking lot because my stomach is swollen and uncomfortable so have feet up on dash and probably getting looks from passerbys but I don’t really care. 😂 I had every intention of going inside, getting a decaf coffee and working a little while I wait for Dr results today. Waiting to see if I need to drive back up here tomorrow (which would be the 3rd trip to KC this week) aka 21 hours of driving to and from KC THIS WEEK. Y’all, it’s exhausting, but love the reason we are doing it.

Anyways, sitting in the parking lot, debating with myself, if I need to drive back to Arkansas or not, just to come back tomorrow at 7:30 am. The answer is no, I don’t NEED to drive back to Arkansas. I’m tired, I’m uncomfortable, I have tons of work I could be doing or housework I could think about doing, but more importantly Zayden is going to miss me and what if I end up missing something important in the next 30 hours or what happens if he falls and just needs his mama?? Here’s the deal I don’t need to go home today.. Only crazy people drive 21 hours when they can easily stay in town and see friends, get a pedicure, maybe shop, right? But the Mom Guilt is real. I know he is fine with an extremely capable and awesome I might add, nanny, and hubs is there to take care of him when she leaves. They will probably have Mac n cheese or order pizza because those two things Jason is a pro at doing 😂. Zayden may ask where I am or be a little sad, but he will be ok! But the Mom Guilt is just weighing extra heavy on me today. I feel bad every morning this week that I had to sneak out of bed at 4 am and he woke up crying to see me leave. 😭 Part of my brain is saying, you’re leaving your child for just a potential child – and then my silly brain goes down the rabbit hole on how unfair that is. Arghhh. Does the Mom Guilt ever leave? Do you ever know you’re making the right decision when it comes to your kids or do you always question things?

Alright, Mom Guilt aside, things in IVF world are going good. I have a killer support system, from family doing what they can to cover Z shifts as needed, friends staying the night to take care of pups last minute, friends letting crash their house last minute, and just neighbors or friends saying they’re there for us if needed, and friends from literally across the US sending us cookies just to brighten the day 😭😭😭❤️. It may seem like a small item to them, but the love that is pouring on me when I’m feeling a bit down is overwhelming. All this love just makes me want to adopt and have all the babies we can so share this love with them! Killer support system is so so important and have been blessed in that arena. Speaking of support system, I have two other friends going through the exact process literally right now (say a prayer for them too please, B & C).

Tests have been going pretty good, just slower than planned, which means more drugs. Tentatively, we are looking at Friday retrieval and next Wednesday transfer. So prayers are appreciated (for me and my two friends if you have an extra prayer for them, they definitely deserve it). ❤️

To all those mammas (or dads) that are experiencing the parent guilt – I feel ya. You’ve got this though. If not, holler at me and I’ll talk you down from it. 😊

Here we go again…

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This blog began a few years ago as my infertility journey and has slowly changed to Zayden’s journey. At first I felt a little guilty that my depressing, sad blog turned into an over abundance of cute little things Z does. But then I realized he’s such an incredible gift…he IS the journey and I’ll continue to document his life.

Today, I have a little deja vu as I tell you we are attempting IVF again. We still are actively pursuing adoption and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. We thought we wanted to try IVF once more and if it doesn’t happen, then we understand that’s God’s will.

I’ve been on a few pills and one injection for the past few weeks. Everything was looking good until last week, I wasn’t “suppressed” like they would like me to be so they decided to push our entire plan back a week. If this Wednesday my levels are still high, we will stop and reevaluate (whatever that means). In the meantime, they doubled my meds. It’s a little frustrating but I know God has perfect timing. Actually, the delay my Dr has made has put me on a similar schedule as two of my lifefriends going through IVF. Talk about having a good support system! ❤️

Today was the first day I’ve struggled with the medication. Two different times today I’ve felt dizzy, serious headaches, nauseous, hot and overall just crummy. It’s all normal and apart of the journey but it is just a gentle reminder that infertility is not for the faint of heart. I question if I’m strong enough to do it again, but we’re going to try so I need to be. Luckily, today is also the day Zayden has been overly sweet (he is almost every day, but today he just knew I needed some extra sweetness).

I’ve so thankful for the opportunity to be able to do IVF and thankful God thinks I’m strong enough to handle this.

17 & 18 months

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Wow, what a past couple of months it has been! Our little boy is becoming the sweetest little man I could have ever asked for. Of course, he’s ornery as can be but that’s what keeps me on my toes! ❤️

We didn’t add any new travel to Zayden’s list this month, but within the last month was the first time I left Zayden with someone else for over 24 hours, let alone traveled across the US for 4 nights. It was so sad (for me) but he seemed to be content with my family keeping him busy!

I can’t even keep track of all the new words he says because every day it’s something different. Like today I told him to “Get Down” (off the table because safety kid) but he looks at me and said get down. 😂 He hasn’t been putting multiple words together until the past couple of days and it’s really throwing me off guard!

Zayden, you know a few colors: purple, blue, white, black and nana (which is translation for yellow)

Also, a few letters (and there is no rhyme or reason to these letters but for some reason you know them: B, Z, Y, O, D, S, and sometimes you’ll actually get A right, but still working on the rest of the alphabet.

You know a ton of numbers but you think they are all 2. 😂😂 So we have a little work to do in that department.

You’re going through a picky eating stage, but a few things stay consistent like yogurt (your fave), oranges, blueberries,PBJ, beans, sushi, shrimp, sweet potatoes, cheese sticks mac-n-cheese, cheese quesdillas, cheese enchilada, grilled cheese…see a trend? Recently mama has gotten smart and started making “cheese” home made hot pockets but hiding veggies in them which surprisingly works.

We are done breastfeeding. Whaaaat. I’ve kept a little more quiet about breastfeeding up until 17.5 months because honestly I was tired of people’s comments. “You haven’t cut him off yet?” Etc etc etc. Y’all should be applauding any mama for feeding their child let alone nursing for this long! But that part of our journey is over and you did great with it bub!

You still love to read and paint and color everything! Thankfully, we got smart and got you those magic markers that only color on certain things!

Every day I am blown away by what new thing you’ve learned or can say or do. I’m also blown away how high you can climb in seconds. 🤦 You’re going to give me a heart attack before I’m 34, but this is what I’m told boy life is like! And we love every single minute of it.

So proud and thankful to be your mama.

Moment 4 | Understanding Our Infertility

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The most recent moment to our infertility journey you may think end with having Zayden. But infertility is not something that just disappears after having children, it sticks around, haunts you some days, traumatizes you some and tucked in your heart forever.

Throughout my pregnancy, I was a bit of a hot mess. I was surprisingly calm through most of it but I worried every single day what was going to go wrong, when I would lose Zayden, if I was going to die during delivery. Literally I thought about every possible bad scenario and would replay it in my head. I did everything I could think of to not think like that but it was inevitable.

When you walk through life with infertility, it sticks around, haunts you, traumatizes you forever. Granted, I thank God every day for that sweet baby that He gave us but I worry. Will he fall and hit his head, will we get in a car crash, will a pop fly hit him one day when he’s old enough to play baseball? I’m sure my parents used to think the same thing about me, and guess what – the answer is ya, probably. We can’t control what they do or what happens to them. But we can be thankful for every moment we get to share with him.

When I started this 4 piece blog about understanding our infertility journey. I initially thought Moment 4 was this big epiphany I had after having Zayden, but the more I thought about it, I don’t think I’ve had my moment 4. I don’t fully understand why God chose us to go through this journey…

Maybe He wanted us to not take any second for granted.

Maybe He wanted us to be a rock for someone else going through a struggle?

Maybe our struggle was preventing us from more heartache, someway somehow.

Maybe He needed us to be a voice to someone else going through infertility.

I can’t really speculate because our journey is ever-continuing and will be something we struggle and question every day. So we will enjoy every moment He has given us, the sad, the bittersweet and chaotic moments and continue strong down our journey. ❤️

Moment 3 | Infertility Uncovered

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“Chasnie, none of your embryos are going to make it.”

We got around this morning and the hotel room was pure silence. We were both anxious and cautiously excited about that day. Today was the day for transfer. Last we heard 4 days ago we had 13 healthy embryos! 13!!!! Then we got the call. See they told us at our last appointment they wouldn’t call unless they had bad news. Instantly my anxious, excited mood changed and I started to break before the call came through.

(Paraphrasing bc I don’t remember the exact words due to my mind set) “Chasnie, none of your embryos are going to make it.” WHY was this happening to us again? I get it, it doesn’t happen the first time for most people but I had 13 embryos, I knew it was going to work. She continued, “There are a few that are currently here, but they are rating so poor that we can’t rate them but you can put them in if they survive. Do you want to move forward?”

So many thoughts racing through my head, but I didn’t hesitate to say, “Uh ya… I mean, we’ve gotten this far, if they’re still alive when we get there, we are doing this.”

I text my family and a handful of close friends and just asked for prayers. Prayers for strength for those sweet babies and prayers for peace for us. We needed them, we needed the prayers. We felt alone. We were in an empty hotel (construction was going on and literally we didn’t see anyone besides the front desk when we were there). And we felt like He had been given up on us. Once again, we felt like God was telling us, your time isn’t now. But how could this be? Hasn’t it been long enough? Haven’t we lost enough? Haven’t we fought enough? What we’re we doing wrong? We literally followed every instruction to a T. We made sure I rested and didn’t get stressed out. I gave up working out like I was instructed when that’s all I wanted to do. I gave up fun events and get togethers bc the timing didn’t mesh with injections or I was tired. This may all seem like measly things we gave up (and they are) but we started to feel like ALL of this and ALL the hormones were for no reason.

So we prayed alot, cried some and got our minds right. Then we went into the doctor a couple of hours later and transferred 2 embryos. The doctor told me she wasn’t going to talk to me about the ones that didn’t survive nor would we talk about how poor these 2 were, because stressing about it that day was not what we needed. Grateful for this, we agreed.

We transferred those two poor little embryo that day and God (yet again) showed us just how powerful He is. Below is a reminder.

I could sit here and tell you how I mourned that 2nd embryo and how I still mourn not having my two tubes to have just a surprise pregnancy, but the truth is we received a miracle. Not all stories end on a positive note like ours did. IVF doesn’t work for so many families and it’s important to remember it never happens like we plan or think or pray for. There’s a bigger plan that we may not see now or even in 10 years but there is a plan. Be thankful for what yo have been given, but also don’t give up faith while waiting to see what He has in store for you! ❤️ My heart goes out to all the families struggling and will pray for you all!