Tag: IVF

Revisiting the Journey

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This time of year always puts me in a mood. Maybe it’s because October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Or maybe it’s because October 5, 2016, was the day I thought I was going to lose my life in the most traumatic ER visit ever. Or maybe it’s both. Either way…it’s been two years since I’ve posted on this Infertility turned Family-Living-with-Infertility blog, and it feels like its time to revisit. I know this may be a longer blog post and we live in a TikTok world of 15-second attention spans. So yes, this is probably more for me than anyone else. But if you want a recap, come along with me…

One of the first things I asked Jason on one of our first dates was, “Do you want kids?” Kids have always been on my heart since I was a child, and I knew my person also needed this in their life. He said yes, and honestly that sealed it for me (among other reasons, but that was a big one). We dated, got engaged, and were married in one year and 15 days. We started our life together ready for kids… but God had a different plan.

Over the next six years, we faced a miscarriage, a blighted ovum, and an ectopic pregnancy. Things we’d never even heard of and things people didn’t really talk about at the time. I felt pretty alone but tried to hold onto the phrase “God won’t give you more than you can endure” but honestly, it felt like too much. I carried guilt, shame, all the “what did I do wrong” thoughts. Or maybe this was payback for bad choices in my past? Those six years that should’ve been filled with lots of laughter and joy had some really dark moments… I overworked, over partied, under-ate some times, over-exercised others— really, anything to keep my mind off our reality. Thankfully I have a pretty great husband who has always chosen to be there.

One morning, pregnancy not even close to my mind, I woke up with what felt like a side stitch. No big deal I thought, lets get the day going. I got ready for 4:30 am yoga, but decided I felt off and needed to stay home. I crashed on the couch thinking I just needed to rest and day off work. Over the next few hours the pain became unbearable. When trying to decide if I needed to go to the ER or wait for urgent care to open, Jason reminded me, “You always say if you don’t follow your gut you always regret it, maybe you need to listen to your gut here.” Hey Holy Spirit..I heard you. So to the ER we went.

From all my accident prone years as a kid, I seem to have a pretty high pain tolerance, but this had me in tears. After hours of waiting and begging to be seen, I told Jason if he didn’t go into middle of the hall, jump up and down screaming until someone brought pain meds, then I’d be going home where I at least had Tylenol to take. I simply couldn’t take the pain anymore… Thankfully, a nurse overheard our conversation and assisted getting my meds. Finally, some relief…

The next few minutes were a whirlwind of ups and downs, extreme pain to relief, a Dr. telling me I was pregnant to hearing a heartbeat before the ultrasound tech realized what was happening and quickly turned off the sound (a sound burned into my head forever). Then to a nurse friend coming in to check on me, congratulate us, and instantly her face dropping when she realized it was an ectopic pregnancy – a look burned into my head forever. And moments later, the Dr. informing us it was unusual for an ectopic pregnancy to have a heartbeat, but we needed to have emergency surgery and remove the tube right away. Questions flooded into my mind: remove my last tube? no more chances of having babies? but she said there was a heartbeat, wait how? Trying to process all this, the Dr. snapped, “Sure. We have all the time here. No, we need to do this surgery now and you always have the option of invitro.” Words burned into my head forever.

As I was rolled back for emergency surgery, a kind nurse asked if she could pray over me – thank God for her. Not aware of how long the procedure was or the thoughts Jason had during that time, but I woke up to find I’d lost over a liter of blood into my abdomen, my last fallopian tube had ruptured, and I was no longer pregnant.

The bright side… looking back, was the support. Jason, just being present, and always there. My mom dropped everything (on her birthday) to steam clean our floors ha, cook homemade chicken and noodles, and just check on me. Some friends and our community group sent meals, letters, flowers, and scriptures. And honestly, I wasn’t in the place to receive it. I was pretty pissed off, bitter, broken, whatever negative connotations you can add to this, that’s what I was at the time. But today, I can see the love that carried us through it…

A few months pass and we decided to pursue adoption and IVF at the same time. I had always wanted to adopt (still do) and I was not quite sold on venturing down the IVF road; however with some family encouragement, we tried. And we did IVF 3 times…

IVF Round 1
We started this round knowing Jason had a big trip to India coming up. It was something he had already committed to before, and honestly, a trip he quit his corporate job to go on. The timing wasn’t ideal, because it lined up right when I would be in the thick of shots—the glamorous belly shots and the not-so-glamorous butt shots. I had to make peace early on that I would be handling all of this by myself, and that if I wanted to keep stress low (for both of us), I needed to prove I could handle it. So I did. Day after day, needle after needle, telling myself, “It’s fine. I’m fine.” ….except, ya know, it wasn’t really fine—it was exhausting. My body was bruised, my mind was drained, and I felt like I was on autopilot most of the time.

On top of that, we were driving to Kansas City constantly for appointments—sometimes there and back in the same day—so I could still keep my corporate job and work in the car while Jason drove. Other times I went alone, and when I didn’t feel strong enough for that, I’d drag my mom along just so I wasn’t by myself. And as if that wasn’t enough, we were still shooting weddings nearly every weekend, sometimes back-to-back ones. I can still picture myself sneaking off to a bathroom stall, giving myself a shot, and then walking right back out like it was a normal day—smile on my face, while inside I was running on fumes. There’s definitely some hidden trauma wrapped up in those moments that I’ve tucked away for another day…

IVF, Round 1 was going well, we ended up with 18 eggs and 13 fertilized! Odds seemed to be in our favor. We were scheduled for a 5-day transfer, so close! The morning of the transfer my phone rang. And in IVF world, you do not want a call before transfer because that means something is wrong. Sure enough, the Dr. on the other end said, “Hey Chasnie, I want to let you know there’s only 2 embryos (me, already heartbroken we only had 2 left) …and I can’t actually rate them, because their quality is so poor. Do you still want to proceed this morning?” My expectations had already been low going into IVF, and this news dragged them even lower than I thought possible. Still, there wasn’t much of a choice. I remember being pretty down but told her, “Well, yeah…I mean, what else are we supposed to do.” So we went forward, …even though my heart wasn’t convinced it would work. I told myself to just carry on with life as normal, not to hope too much, and not to set myself up for heartbreak again. But God. Out of those two “poor quality embryos” ENTER ZAYDEN.

IVF Round 2, same process, lots of driving, shots, much more confidence to do the shots, drove by myself multiple times, and we had a toddler to “help” me with the shots.

The exhaustion was real, but there was kind of a rhythm to it now.

19 eggs, 13 fertilized, 4 embryos on day of transfer. Morning of transfer, again I had a missed phone call. Stomach sank. This time it wasn’t about MY embryos, it was a mistake. The clinic had accidentally left me a message stating the transfer was off and there were no embryos. I spiraled. I called them back several times to get some answers. After 20 minutes of spiraling, they realized they made a mistake and our 4 embryos were waiting for us. My heart went out to the other couple receiving the bad news. My nerves were shot, I again went into this round with not high expectations. That day we transferred 2 embryos and froze 2 embryos. We were convinced God made me to carry twins, but He again had a different plan… ENTER RYKEN.

IVF Round 3, Things looked a little different this time around with a frozen transfer. Less shots & meds, fewer miles, but way more exhaustion because we had 2 toddlers at home.

We were ready to transfer the remaining 2 frozen embryos from Ryken’s round. This round felt simpler but not any less difficult. We were living in a post-covid world where we thought our transfer may get cancelled through part of it and all of the Dr appointments were done solo. Masks, empty waiting rooms, stricter rules in general. It wasn’t what I would call an upbeat experience. My last appointment there was a little bittersweet knowing I’d never be back, but again an empty waiting room with just me & a sign that said “You’re Not Alone.” Thank you Lord I was not alone.

Going into this round, I was 110% convinced this was the time God was going to give us twins. It just made sense to me, but again, He had another plan… ENTER KYDEN.

That was the end of our IVF journey. I wanted to share it because October always carries extra weight for me. It’s Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and with it comes this mix of grief and gratitude that’s hard to put into words. I still remember the ER rooms, the phone calls, the endless waiting, all the damn waiting, the prayers I wasn’t sure I had the strength to pray—and the many prayers others prayed over us and our littles. Those memories don’t just go away, even when we’re tucking in three healthy, beautiful babies every night.

The truth is, infertility doesn’t vanish once you finally have children. It lingers quietly in the background, showing up in unexpected moments, reminding you of what was lost, what was fought for, and what will always be a part of your story. I never want our heaven babies to be forgotten.

In the grief, I can also point to the ways God showed up. He was there in the nurse who prayed over me, in the family and friends who carried us, and now in the laughter and chaos of these 3 little ones. Grief and joy really can live together…. And hope can still be close, even when it doesn’t seem existent. So if you’re in the thick of it right now, please know you are not alone. Your story is not over.

Even if I’m not in same life season as you, always here for chatting about others infertility journeys. And I have a couple of ladies that would love prayer during their current IVF journey…if you think of it, keep those ladies in mind.

3ish Months ❤️| Kyden Jade

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Oh sweet Ky, you continue to make our hearts more and more full.  You continue to be so calm and chill it blows me away.  You nap wherever and whenever, smile most of the time and just observant the rest. Your brother and sister are still obsessed with you, as well as a handful of neighbor kids, basically you do not go very many minutes not being held.

So far, you’ve gotten to meet your family on both sides, including great grandma Jackie! We’ve travelled to New Mexico, a couple of concerts, a hot air balloon fest, a huge play area in Tulsa, met NM & KS friends, enjoyed the lake multiple days, experienced your first 4th of July in the neighborhood and every little adventure in between. We couldn’t have asked for a more go with the flow girl than you! Lifting your head, rolling from tummy to back and back to tummy, attempting to sit up, basically whatever you have to do to see what is going on with the siblings or dogs, you’re bound and determined to do!

You are 98th percentile in height, off the charts in head size, and 40th percentile in weight. You’re perfect in any way we could imagine and we hope you always know this. Here’s to many more adventurous months and endless cuddles sweet girl!

Your Story – the beginning #3

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Sweet baby Kyden! You came into the world June 23, 2022 as peacefully as your little soul. The pregnancy was rough with more sickness the entire pregnancy than I experienced with the other two. You didn’t like me drinking coffee (not even decaf) and I soon banned Jason from going to 7Brew for a bit til that aversion passed. You loved me eating basically anything but also wanted me to feel sick most days. Thankful for zofran to help me through that last stage of pregnancy!

Back to your birth story, we went in the night before you were to come like we have for Zayden & Ryken and you wanted to come a little sooner than the other two but due to EVERYONE having babies that day and shortage of nurses, we had to make you wait about an hour to make your appearance. With the head of a little sweet giant and as long as I could have ever imagined, you are perfect just as God made you. We originally had some worries for your development, specifically your kidneys due to you having a one vessel umbilical cord BUT you showed us and powered through that. Thankfully an ultrasound showed no kidney issues, hearing tests and blood tests all looked good. You did have quite a bit of bilirubin in your system & rapid breathing, so we did have to bring some blue lights home and monitored you til that was out of your system. 5ish days later you were getting much closer to your normal self. We continued to monitor your quick heartbeat and rapid breathing for a few months but we don’t see any issues anymore, Praise God!

You were born with beautiful deep red birth marks above your eyes, we call it a built in eye shadow, some call it angel kisses. I have no doubt you multiple sibling angels giving you kisses the second they could. ❤️

Your brother and sister met you via phone call but they really fell in love with you the second they got to hold you. Zayden loves when you look at him and smile, and Ryken just loves having a baby sister. Ryken continues to ask me daily if you’re her baby sister, and when I tell her you are, she replies with an overly excited, “REALLY? AW, BABY SISTER.” And Zayden ensures you don’t go a day without knowing how cute you are, especially when your eyes are open! ❤️ You will never have a shortage of cheerleaders in your life.

Your little personality is very chill. You go with the flow, you don’t demand too much attention unless you’re tired or hungry and girl we all get that. I can’t wait to see how your calm demeanor unfolds in this chaos of a home you have been born into!

Less than 7 days

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A little overcome with emotion as I think there’s less than 7 days til we get to meet little Kyden Jade! And the emotion isn’t just coming from me, it also is coming from Zayden. Despite several attempts and explanations of how momma should be in and out of hospital, he does have a little apprehension about hospitals in general. He asked if he could just come with me, ha but to avoid being scarred for life I quickly told him that wasn’t possible. Lol.

In the past week or so, Zayden has been talking to Kyden, giving her kisses and hugging her when he hugs me! It is so sweet and I think he’s finally starting to realize another littles is coming. Ryken daily asks for HER baby to come and gets upset when she sees her baby dolls aren’t actually real 😂 Honestly, it will likely be the biggest change for her, but maybe she will adjust well. I mean, wishful thinking at least! Either way, I cannot wait to watch these two be the big siblings they were made to be! I fully anticipate more crying, laughing, stress and less sleep in our near future!

It’s a little bittersweet to have these last few days, knowing these are the last few days of being pregnant…ever again. There’s no possibility of any surprise pregnancies and we have chosen this was our last round of IVF for our sanity, budget, and just health in general. Every round of IVF takes a whole different toll on your body, hormones, emotions, weight, etc etc and it just isn’t in the plan for us. However, if I’ve learned anything during the past 8+ years, it is our “plans” and His plans do not always match up. We are so thankful for the support, encouragement and prayers over the years as our IVF journey comes to an end. We do plan to adopt one day; we do not know how or when that will happen, but we feel that has always been a path we want to pursue. As our family continues to grow, we will continue to share our journey of growing and learning.

A little update on the littles… Ryken is still as sassy as ever, a little dare devil, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind (to anyone). She has started school 2 days a week which she loves and goes in without any hesitation! She loves her baby dolls (most days), her doggies, despises car seats, plays kitchen and makes obstacles courses every day. Prefers to pick out her own outfit, shoes and likes to do everything “all by myself,” loves to cook with me and imitate anything her bubby does and says. She still “hides” by covering her eyes when she feels uncomfortable around strangers but is starting to be more open to others!

Zayden, still loves school and making friends. He continues to talk nonstop and teaches me things he’s learned. He still wants to be an astronaut and scientist. He has been begging to go to an Escape Room 😂 if that explains his personality at all! He has recently started loving to swim again, he went through a phase of not loving it but has been really into wearing his goggles and swimming any time he can. Every day there is a new “experiment” he has done, 99.9% of the time it is not something you would want to smell, taste or touch as it has every spice, soap or sanitizer in it, approach at your own risk.

Kyden, she was growing and 2.5 weeks ahead of schedule until recently her growth has slowed down and she has also dropped. Praying she continues to defy the odds of her 2 vessel possible restrictions and be big and strong. We have been doing non-stress test once a week the past 3 weeks to make sure she is doing what she needs to be and she continues to move around on the regular. Our plan for her is to make her entrance via induction next Thursday (06/23) unless she wants to do what she wants and decides to come earlier. If she does, we are praying it is not til Monday. Jason is currently traveling and we’d love for him to be back before then, but if we have learned anything over the years, it’s to roll with what God gives you, He will not give you more than you cannot take and our children never have been ones to follow the “plans” so we shall see right?

Hopefully our next update will have bitty baby photos attached!

11 Weeks To Go

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Where did my pregnancy go? On one hand, I definitely feel (and look) pregnant but I haven’t thought about being pregnant as much as I was able to the last two pregnancies. As someone that’s gone through infertility for years, that sounds crazy to say and I kind of feel bad for saying it because especially through infertility you cherish (and fear) every second of a pregnancy. However, my time, mental & physical energy go to the other two littles, let alone the husband, dogs, life, work, not to mention any random wildlife we try to keep alive in our backyard 😂 Basically saying, this pregnancy has long days but short months. We are at 29 weeks, and I have less than 11 weeks to go! How did this happen?

I’ve been sick off and on through this pregnancy but no complaints, just little uncomfortable here and there and little sleep, but I know the gift is so worth it. Little miss (name still being decided on by Ryken) is growing well, heart rate was 135-140 this week, and we got to see her beautiful face last week. Chubby cheeks and lots of sass already, and she looks a little like Ryken (no surprise there, she is technically her fraternal twin) – crazy to think right? Welcome to IVF and the incredible ability to freeze embryos. Little Miss has been growing well, despite the 2-vessel vs 3-vessel umbilical cord. My Dr says generally, they may slow down growth after 30ish weeks, so we will be doing a growth ultrasound in 2 weeks and monitoring her closely til she arrives!

We are ready…right? 😂 I mean, are you ever ready to add a little one to the family? Or are you ever ready to say goodbye to the last pregnancy you’ll ever have again?? I’m not going down this path mentally yet because I think that will be a little to undertake mentally, so I’ll touch on that sometime in the future. I get a little teary-eyed thinking about it even. So many years put into this journey and in less than 11 weeks that portion of our life is over. Pregnancy life ending soon or not, we know this was God’s purpose for us and are so grateful for each blessing we’ve had and will meet one day and for the 2 we have, cuddling now, and 1 on the way. We couldn’t be more grateful for this stressful, chaotic, wonderful family life we have been able build. ❤️

Next update coming in a couple of weeks when we see how Little Miss is growing, and maybe Ryken will have a name decided by then!

20 weeks, 22 months, 4 years

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I don’t feel like writing today..but forcing myself, because I have a lot of items swirling in my head. It helps me personally to address my concerns to the interwebs of the world or whoever wants to read and get it out of my head space.  Also, I almost always feel guilty blogging nowadays, because I should be playing with the kids or reading a book with them in lieu of over here typing away not paying attention to them fully. It’s a weird mom guilt world out there, and I’m just living in it.

ANYWAYS, let’s start off with all the good things, then I’ll get to the rest…

Ryken – she is 22 months old this month and I just can’t wrap my head around her turning 2.  How and when did this happen?  I feel kind of sad, she’s only know this pandemic world, but she’s also been filled with a less full schedule of mom and dad being gone and more creativity at home. YES, we can go and travel and we did last month.  However, limitations and just wanting to stay healthy for us and others plays a big factor on what we do and don’t do. Like everyone else I’m sure, pre-covid, a simple runny nose wouldn’t have stopped me from going on a trip.  Now, post-covid world, I’m taking a test a day prior to us leaving the country to make sure we aren’t positive and will be A. getting others sick, and B. getting quarantined somewhere outside our home.  I says all this, and we went to Mexico last month and we did not have a negative test upon returning to the US, but along the way home in the airport or somewhere, we did all catch covid and were quarantined at home for a bit.  We all had mild cases in the big scheme of things with migraine-like headaches, fevers, etc but the kids just ate lots of popsicles and we upped the vitamins recommended and moved on.  This is a good thing, we had not gotten it and it was almost a breath of fresh air to just all get it at the same time and get over it.  I know not everyone is that fortunate, so we were counting our blessings for sure!

Back to Ryken – even in this covid world, she is still the light she was when she arrived on 04/06/2020.  And when I say light…SHE IS A BURST of light, like a firecracker but not just any firecracker – the commercial type ones that thousands of people go to watch. She gets your attention and she isn’t afraid of what you may think (unless you hurt her feelings by telling her no, then she does care what you think). Ha.  In all seriousness, she is such a sweet little girl and so, so ornery at the same time.  She can fool you with a quick grin and sweet giggle, so you have to be on your toes.  She not only gives Jason and I a run for our money, she does Zayden as well.  She still loves all the animals, anything and everything that even resembles an animal, she instantly loves it and of course has about 15 stuffed animals she likes to play with these days.  And she loves her baby dolls.  Every morning she asks where her baby is, and goes and wraps her up in a wash cloth, because I have yet to get her any baby doll blankets lol.  It’s pretty entertaining to watch.  I never really talk about how smart she is, I know with Zayden he was so book smart and LOVED to learn at a really early age.  She’s not really into doing workbooks or puzzles, learning colors or numbers like Zayden was, but she has learned those things.  And she is such a smart little girl.  She has a bit of a country accent (oops, she got that one from me), and some times I can’t always tell what she’s saying.  For example, she drew a picture and said it was a BAIL, mom it’s a BAIL, a BAIL.  I couldn’t figure it out and it looked like a triangle and I was still drawing a blank.  Finally, she sighs, rolls her eyes and says, “Ding dong, ding dong.”  A BELL!  A bell, yes, that IS a bell!  When Zayden was her age, he would just say the word over and over and get frustrated with me until I was able to distract him to something else OR I was able to figure it out.  Ryken wants me to figure it out and explores other ways that just saying it over and over til I get it.  It’s such a small thing but so funny how their minds work and work so differently. 

Onto my sweet boy, he’s still a sweetheart and loves his friends and cousins so much!  And when we pray for someone, he comes back a few days later and asks me how he/she is doing, like he’s really listening and involved in the prayers.  Sometimes I don’t know how much he hears, but he seems to hear and take in more than I think most days. We had a friend in the hospital with covid, pneumonia, lung damage, etc, etc, etc, for about 3 or maybe even 4 months and we prayed for this man a ton.  Zayden would ask to pray for him about every other day and we sent him a picture we colored to hopefully make his hospital room a little brighter.  Praise God he was able to come home YESTERDAY, so that was exciting to hear and Zayden thought that was pretty cool he got to leave the hospital when we weren’t sure if he would be able to or not.  Zayden has become a gamer. Ha, not that we love to do a lot of video games but it happens and I don’t even know how to play in the world he’s created, but he does and thankfully daddy does and gets roped into it too. He still loves soccer and plans to play in the spring, and he loves to keep us on our toes. I’m ALWAYS learning new things from him or googling things that he needs to know the answers to. Ha, anything about volcanoes, I now probably know the answer to.  Ask away, I got you and if not I’ll refer to Zayden because he does.

Baby V.  She doesn’t have a name yet, and we think we’ll let Ryken choose (if you remember Zayden got to choose Ryken).  However, not fully sure we can trust Ryken with this but we’ll give her a few to choose from and hope for the best!  If all else fails, mommy gets final say in the hospital. Ha, and I’ll let her choose the middle name.  If you’ve been around this ornery girl, you know what I mean.  Baby V is growing like she should be and her anatomy scan went well, with the exception of one scare (for me, they say it could be nothing but there’s always a chance so of course for any mom it is a scare).  Anyways, yesterday, we had our anatomy scan and all seemed well, but there’s a 1% chance in all pregnancies to have a 2 vessel cord in lieu of 3 vessel cord.  I never even knew it was a thing and of course, I have a 2-vessel cord.  Like I said, it may amount to nothing, but the biggest concern is making sure baby grows properly, specifically the kidneys.  If you’re interested, I can tell you more about what I know but google can tell you a few things as well.  Apparently, this is more common in white women over 25-check, check, multiple pregnancy (i.e. twins)-check, as we started this pregnancy with vanishing twin, and being pregnant with a girl-check, another item is high blood sugar, which I’ve never experienced, but will be ensuring my diet doesn’t allow that for the remainder of pregnancy (because who doesn’t need to cut out some sugar).  What does this mean?  Maybe nothing, or maybe that sweet girl has restricted or limited blood flow and could slow her growth.  Per several things I’ve read online (legitimate sources, not googling to scare myself but to be informed).   “2-3 out of 10 single umbilical artery pregnancies have health problems, including heart, kidney or digestion problems with genetic conditions.” 

SO, there’s that.  Like I said, so far she’s growing as she said and right on 20 weeks like I am. She doesn’t kick a ton but she does alligator rolls most of the day (if that tells us anything about her personality already) and there’s nothing we can really do.  Stressing about it isn’t going to get us anywhere, but praying about it and lifting her up will.  I say this all, but I will admit I found this out yesterday morning and the second I had a moment to myself I cried, a lot.  I thought, I should pray about this but I was a little too ticked off to.  How ridiculous to hear me say that BUT it’s the truth.  I was pissed.  I knew deep down we’ve had 2 easy pregnancies, some sickness here and there but overall it was a really easy pregnancy (once we got pregnant) and very easy delivery and recovery.  WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that we’d make it 3 easy pregnancies. I knew that, but I also have heard, oh your body has done this before, it’ll be a breeze this time.  Well, wake up call to Chasnie – your plans are not His plans.  Anyways, finally prayed last night about baby girl and about giving it to Him in lieu of stewing on it, stressing about it, and thinking the worst could happen.  In the end, whatever were to happen, we have a perfect little girl that is on track and growing fine right now.  She will be perfect no matter if there is a “defect” or not.  (I say in quotations “defect” as a medical term).  However, as a parent, your first inclination and probably inclination for life is you want your child healthy and to have a blessed life without complications, so of course, my first thought is to be upset, mad, worried, sad…and feel whatever I’m feeling right now.  But I’m fully aware, she will be perfect however she is, in the 2-3 chance out of 10 that physically she is not, she still is in our eyes and His eyes.  {Mini Rant: Some may read this as me being over the top, honestly I don’t even care anymore.  I’ve heard enough negative things over the years of IVF journey that it doesn’t seem to phase me and my thoughts.}  But this is how I process my fears, worries, and concerns.  It helps me get it out of my head and move forward and I absolutely believe in the power of prayer and I know some reading will lift her up to be a healthy sweet baby we get to meet in June!

Eh, I told you I didn’t want to write today but knew I needed to.  And I don’t exactly want to end on a mini rant (ha) so, I’m going to end on our trip to Mexico.  I mean, my blog has always been all over the place with my ADD writing….so why not finish strong here. 😊 

We got to take a little family trip (minus my sister’s family) to Puerto Vallarta.  It was Zayden’s second time in Mexico and Ryken’s first!  The 4 cousins had so much fun playing with each other, building sand castles, looking for crabs and shells, and just getting to hang out in the SUN somewhere.  It was such a nice little break from every day world and we thankfully felt really good and safe about traveling  and all stayed healthy while we were there. We had such an awesome view from our room that all of us were surprised to have and ate some delicious food and drinks.  Zayden’s favorite thing to do was probably swim up to the bar and order a “Virgin Apina Coladas” Virgin Pina Colada if you couldn’t figure it out.  And Ryken wasn’t real sure about the sand in her toes, but ended up enjoying building sand castles aka mounds of sand then stomping on them.  Travelling to and from was a little different than it used to be, but managed and really enjoyed the trip!  Thankful for our last out of the US trip before baby V comes!  Here’s to more adventures with 3 babies.

 

400+ injections later… Fairwell IVF

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108 injections, that’s how many shots I took this round of IVF.  The other two rounds I had around 150-170 injections from start to finish each, not to mention the daily meds. This blows my mind, I actually thought it was more, but 108 injections this round was enough.   Anyways, my last shot is today, and knowing it’s my last IVF shot ever is a little bittersweet. I mean, good riddance to the daily shots and the knots & bruises from them. It’ll be nice to maybe sleep in so I don’t have to do it at the same time every morning, and turn off our alarm reminders so we don’t forget. For the past 4.5 years, I’ve either been doing infertility treatments, pregnant or nursing and the two latter, of course, are not finished but this is the first step to the end of that life.  And I’m not sure how to feel about it yet.

I am 12 weeks today.  We are not “in the clear” as some would say. We never are really until we hear that sweet baby take their first breath. Statistically, when you reach your 2nd trimester, you’re less likely to miscarry.  But as we and friends that have gone through this know, we never really know. And we can’t really “monitor” little one at this stage because I personally can’t feel kicking or movement.  I don’t have a heart monitor to hook up and check all hours of day (and that’s good for me because that would cause more stress than not likely), but I just have to put my faith in knowing it’s not in my hands. 

I know, even in 2021 there is still controversy about IVF.  I’ve heard people say, if you’re infertile maybe you’re not meant to be with that person or maybe you’re not meant to have children. I’ve heard individuals call embryos “frozen souls” or assume we just toss whatever embryos we don’t use or we get to pick if we get to have a boy or a girl. I respect people’s views but I am 110% thankful for what we have the ability to do in these days.  And to clarify, all of the above assumptions are exactly that, assumptions.  My goal of this post is not to get into this, but more just to say what an incredible gift we can do these days. I’m so thankful God has allowed us to be this advanced in today’s world.  Without IVF we would not have a Zayden Gray or a Ryken Spree or little Vinson on the way… And I cannot imagine not having these little sparks of joy and light in the world.  ❤️

Although our IVF journey is coming to an end, our infertility journey does not, that’s something that sticks around forever.  It’s not just the ability to not have another baby, it’s remembering and living through physically, emotionally and mentally painful losses.  It comes and goes, I’ll go months without it popping into my mind and then our first miscarriage will come to mind and me freezing in the Dr office because I was so confused on why this would happen to US.  Or the most recurring memory is in the ER with my last ectopic pregnancy. The Dr scoffed at me when I asked her for more time to respond to her question, when she wanted to just remove my tube like it was no big deal.  And I quote her, “You don’t need your tubes to have a baby, you can find other routes.” I was so angry and frustrated someone would talk to a mourning person that just found out her surprise pregnancy was not viable much longer, not to mention I had bled a liter into my belly and I was in insane amount of pain. When there was no one in the room besides a nurse, I glared at Jason and said to go out into the hallway and yell until someone got into my room with pain meds or I was going home to die.  The nurse heard me loud and clear and handled the situation.  And right before surgery another nurse came in and asked if she could pray over me. Tears flowed as I said please then was rushed away. That whole  memory still haunts me today. Some days I’ll fall into a funk after the memory pops up.  That memory always seems to break me and I don’t really see that memory leaving my mind anytime soon (or ever).  Or the memory of my first IVF shot – I was so nervous but it ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be and quickly started doing photos like this for my pure entertainment or when days Jason and I would get in a spat and I could say um, well at least I don’t do this to you. 😊 Ya got to find humor in it to make it through.

But the memories were not all bad, like the first time to make it to 10 weeks pregnant, or the day I actually looked pregnant vs just looking like I had gained a few extra pounds, ha or the first time meeting Zayden or Ryken and watching Jason hold them.  I couldn’t be more grateful for each and every memory.  Good and bad, it shaped me as a person, molded us as a couple, and truly made me a better mom. 

So I want to end this “Fairwell IVF” post with some tips for those struggling or those who know someone struggling with infertility.  I know everyone is different and this won’t apply to everyone, these are just from my personal experience. 
SUPPORT SYSTEM: I’m here for you, but if you need someone closer to you, talk about your experience. And thank the good Lord for opportunity you have. It’ll not only help you find some peace one way or another but it will help others as well. I’m not saying you HAVE to share your journey, I’ve just personally found it to be helpful in ours.  But find your support system and reach out when you need that support, a night out, a night in, someone to just sit with you or to send you a coffee pick me up when you really need it. Specifically for the Support Systems, stay positive, be present and just know we don’t always know what we need.  And please for the love, be positive. It is not helpful to say, maybe next time or just try again, or stop trying and it will happen or at least you have one.  Although it may be with good intentions, just be present for them. They may want to talk, they may not but show up for them.
OLD WIVES TALES: Eat pineapple (with the core) before your transfer.  I’m not sure why it’s a thing but I did it. Keep your feet warm after transfer and drink warm drinks and stay away from ice cold drinks.  Warm feet, warm drinks/food = warm uterus = warm, happy baby.  
INJECTIONS: Yes, they suck. Once you get used to it, the weight gain, headaches or bruises start to form, push through it. It is temporary.  Tedious, but temporary.  Slap the booty before your booty shots, some use ice or heat before – I just would slap the area before (when I remembered) and rubbed the area afterwards to avoid knots.  Stomach shots are not as painful as the other, it’s just difficult to get through the first handful then will likely be much easier.  Set the alarms so you can take them all at same time.  Listen to your Dr and take it easy when they tell you.  Your body is doing crazy, amazing things and it needs a little extra rest some days. 
MEDS: Again, set your alarm and take them at same time. And give yourself, your mind and your body grace. Your mood will change, you will likely gain some weight, and the hot flashes are extreme. Give yourself grace and ask your partner for grace. 
RETRIEVALS: Take it easy and pray for the best outcome. Hoping for all the embryos but remind yourself not all will make it. It definitely can happen but on average not all retrieved eggs become embryos. Our first time, we retrieved 18 eggs, 15 fertilized and only 2 made it. 2. It’s heartbreaking, I know and our 2 were so poor they wouldn’t rate them but Zayden was stronger than they thought.  You only need one but hope for the best and be positive. 
FAILED IVF ATTEMPTS: This is not your fault. It’s hard to understand and I still will never understand when it happens but it does happen unfortunately. Give it some time to process and then revisit if you want to try again. You may say no, then change your mind or vice versa. There’s no right way to process this type of thing, so take the time to process. And know my heart hurts for you and no one can explain why this happened nor make you feel better.  Take that time for yourself.  I pray you are able to find what works and end up finding happiness with whatever outcome! 
PREGNANCY TESTS: I mean, I feel pretty strongly about these but do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I was advised not to take any and I didn’t. I have had false positives and false negatives – to me, it wasn’t worth the stress. 
LOSSES: Accept that some won’t get what you’re going through. They may think you’re too much or you’re not there for them enough.  You may lose a friendship or two, feel lost or lonely but lean back into your support system.  Ignore or address the negative comments, they’re not worth the energy unless you’re squashing it and moving on. Alot of off-putting comments with IVF and infertility come from lack of experience themselves. You have more important things to focus on! Be patient with yourself and your partner. God has this. He has you.

And with that, fairwell IVF, it’s not always been fun, but it’s been worth it. You will be missed in some weird, traumatic response way, ha but you also won’t be missed.  We are grateful for the science that God has given us in today’s world.  I’ll continue to write about our infertility & life journey but this is IVF finally signing off. 💉

9 weeks, 19 months, 4 years

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I mean, what were we thinking? On chaotic days, I think this, but them quickly reminded I wouldn’t have the sweet hugs I get every day if I didn’t have the chaotic ones too!

Today, marks 9 weeks of a healthy heartbeat of one baby. We did lose the other twin, as we had thought after the last appointment but last week, we confirmed the twin had yet to grow for a couple of weeks and was no longer getting blood flow, however still present. So instead of “vanishing” like a vanishing twin should, still there for the moment. I’ve yet to process this fully, and I’m sure that will hit hard when the time comes, but we are thankful for the heartbeat we did get to see. I’m feeling pretty good, besides a little tired and some on and off sickness in the evenings, and so much lack of sleep I’m not sure how my body is surviving but it is happening. Zayden hopes this one is a girl and Ryken goes back and forth between baby boy and baby girl, but I just remind them we’re just hoping for another healthy baby just like them. We also have some names that the kids have come up with. Zayden is holding strong to Obi or Ryken (yes, he thinks it would be funny to name 2 kids Ryken). And Ryken just continues to say Baby, so poor kid will probably be nicknamed Baby for the rest of their life. They both also understand twin did go to heaven to hang out with Della.

19 months. Oh girl, Ryken is such a little wild child, but then is the sweetest all at the same time. She gives the best hugs. She whispers, sometimes yells “HUG” whenever she wants one and you’ll get about 15 in a matter of 30 seconds. She likes to do everything her Bub does and she is a wee bit demanding some days. We are still working on telling her that “RIGHT NOW” is not something you add to every sentence. Like “HUG RIGHT NOW” or “YOGURT RIGHT NOW PLEASE” is not how we talk lol, kind of cute, but I foresee this developing into more things as she gets older. Ha. Lord, help us. She adores her brother and her puppy Ollie, and most days she likes Charlie but only when he’s not trying to steal her food from her. If she could live outside and only eat popsicles, I’m pretty sure she would. And she still despises her hair being brushed. Yes, we’re one of those families that brushes their kids hair, no matter how strong the fight is in the child, but I’m not going to make her wear a bow or headband of pony because she just doesn’t want to this stage. Maybe one day she will change it up, for now she will be the brushed, straggly hair kiddo. 🙂 I can’t wait to see how her personality develops even more over the next few months.

4 years. I’m STILL in shock that we have a 4-year old. I’m not sure how that happened so quickly, and some days I don’t actually remember what life was like pre-Zayden, but I can tell you it is way better now. He is too smart. Remembers way more than I think he would, which makes it very difficult to get things past him. He loves to interrupt a friendly spouse spat with a “CAN YOU GUYS JUST GET ON THE SAME PAGE?” lol and he likes to make sure his sister follows the rules. He’s been put on phone duty. If someone accidentally leaves their phone out and sister goes for it, he knows to tell us right away so we don’t have any more accidental 911 calls. He also likes to make sure she doesn’t eat anything she’s not supposed to or share a cup that’s clearly his. Ha. He still loves his school and his favorite thing is playing with his friends and singing songs at school, to everyone, and everywhere. It’s my favorite thing he does at the moment. He’s really into playing board games and just recently, Jason introduced Mario Kart to him. I can confidently say that I can easily beat him in this game, but I’m sure that won’t last for long, but I will hold to my mom-win for the week! He’s such a fantastic big brother and he’s growing so fast, I can’t take it all in fast enough.

Continuing to be grateful for this chaotic journey. There’s your little update for the day from this family of 5. 🙂


Last day in fertility clinic

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Lots of emotions today, as I stepped out of the fertility clinic we’ve been going to for 5 years. So thankful to not have to make a 4 hour drive one way just to have access to my fertility doctor, but thankful for the ability and talent they have there and blessings God made through them. I have no idea where we would be without our sweet Zayden, Ryken and little Vinson(s).

Don’t let that last word throw you for a loop, it is still early and we had our first ultrasound today to see if pregnancy was viable. We did have two babies, but only got to see one heartbeat. Praise for one heartbeat and yet, my heart sunk in hopes for the other littles too. Realistically and cautiously, Baby A will probably vanish. It was a couple days smaller than the other but we also didn’t see that sweet flicker of a heartbeat. We knew what could happen putting in 2 embryos, we’ve put 2 embryos in every IVF cycle and never have made it with twins to this stage. So I walked out of that fertility clinic with a couple of tears in my eyes, but I walked to a happy car of 2 smiling toddlers and happy husband.

The doctor’s assistant (who was my favorite) in the office was the one to see me today, so it was only fitting to have a pretty good appointment and walk away from the clinic that put all my broken pieces together to help make these babies happen. Our journey isn’t over, but we can close that chapter in our lives today. Onto the next steps in our journey with our growing family! ❤️

Stay tuned for updates if you’d like, we plan to have another ultrasound in a few weeks. Thankful for the prayers and support over the years! It takes a village to raise children, it takes even more to support a couple going through infertility.

Orneriness & Updates

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Today. Today is transfer day, to say I’m a little nervous is an understatement. Not for the service, but the outcome. I asked Jason yesterday, “Are you ready for another one or are you ready to find out we won’t have another one?” He replied he wasn’t ready for either outcome, and I feel that too. I asked Ryken and Zayden if they wanted another brother or sister. Ryken replied a quick No to both 😂 and Zayden said maybe another sissy that he could make Ryken but if not he’d just take some bubble gum so he can blow huge bubbles with. So clearly, we are all ready for however things turn out!

The biggest change this time around is doing everything on my own. Every single appointment has been by myself, besides the initial video call. So if we can all get through this pandemic so support systems can be by their significant others side, that’d be swell. I think in any potential life change situation, you know deep down you can do it by yourself, but it sure is nice having Jason there just to remind me that I can when I start to question my ability. Also, all of this to say, I’ve only been alone physically, of course, My God is always here and I have a good support system that checks in on our journey, pray for me and I know several would jump at opportunity to help. So we are so appreciative to that! ❤️

So today is transfer day…our journey is to be continued soon, one way or another.

Now to Zayden & Ryken updates. Ryken really has that innocent, sweet smile, quiet voice (when she wants) and gives the best hugs hands down, and she will not hesitate to raise hell when she feels like it. 😂 She is our stunt-woman and I fear she will be a spitting image of her mama and spend countless summer days in the hospital with stitches, but we shall see. Maybe she will surprise us, but as I watched her climb to top of playhouse, turn around and fall off for the biggest trust fall I have ever witnessed, I don’t think she will. Lol. Little Miss loves to copy Zayden and thinks “right now” should be added to every sentence – something we rarely even say, but she has incorporated it into her vocabulary. And we always correct it with a how about a please, to which she replies, “Please, right now!” Someone come get this kid 😂😂 In all seriousness she’s so funny to watch her learn from Zayden. I wish I would have written more of her milestones down, but I have decided I’d rather spend that time I could be writing them down or blogging, just embracing these new things she’s learning. It. Is. My. Favorite to watch her and Z interact and play together, something they haven’t done by themselves yet til recently. Ryken would probably do anything Zayden asked, but thankfully, I don’t think he has figured that out yet.

Zayden, my sweet boy is loving school and making friends which makes me so happy. It’s so sweet to witness your child form friendships and watch those friendships grow. His bff is still his cousin Liam, and he talked about another friend at school, he would tell me what they’d play, what he likes, etc at school. To my surprise, no one in his class goes by this name so I assume he has an imaginary friend or he’s gotten confused on kids name 😂 We recently found out his bff isn’t even in his class, but across the hall and they meet and play at recess. This makes me smile and maybe means nothing to those reading but it’s such a cute thing to see as your he gets older. Speaking of – he turns 4 in less than a month and my mind cannot grasp this thought! How did my little cuddler, silly boy already become 4??

I’m going to end this quickly as I sit in waiting room of my transfer appointment and I want to sit and not think for a few minutes before taken back. Appreciate the love and prayers on our next steps to this journey!