Tag: IVF

Small things.

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So, our first shot is done! Yay..and Meh..all at the same time!  Obviously, we’re excited to start this process, but (meh) because we don’t really know what we’re doing, what we’re getting ourselves into and apart me really doesn’t love the fact that I’m pumping all sorts of drugs into my system.  So many drugs that I’m not even sure what some of them are and I end up just giving myself a shot or taking this pill and then googling what the side effects may be.  It’s weird, and it seems like we might be unprepared.  It’s not that at all, it’s just a lot to take in all at once.

We videoed the first shot last night, mainly for our own humor but I figured I’d share it here.  Let me preface that how our doctor appointments fell and when we needed to start these injections were kind of flip-flopped around.  We didn’t have a doctor prep appointment that clearly showed us how to take shots, but we were given about 45 pages of information to read and instructions to follow.  SO, this video is me stumbling through the directions and giving myself a shot.  Video to follow.

By the way, anyone even semi anxious about doing this and giving themself an injection, it was literally nothing.  It didn’t even feel like a bee sting, so shake off those nerves.  I grew up all sorts of animals: dogs, chickens, horses, cattle…so giving an animal a shot is not foreign to me.  The only plus side about giving it to yourself vs an animal, is you know it’s coming and you don’t have to listen to a sweet puppy cry after you give it. Ha.

Anyways, I’ve had a few side effects here and there, nothing too big.  A little ovary pain, a little bone pain (that was a surprising side effect, but your bones can be achy) and my leg definitely has been, and not the muscle achy, but the actual bone; it’s weird.  I’m getting a little concerned about continued weight gain and small, very very small and minor side effects like this.  It isn’t a big deal, because in the end you could be pumping yourself full of meds and gaining weight and having achy bones for an incredible bundle of joy.  Or you could end up heartbroken and overweight and lost.  Sorry, maybe that sounds dramatic, but that’s currently how I feel my outcomes are.

Obviously, I know this is the journey God has made me for.  I’ve had conversations with him over and over that I was not strong enough to have the last ectopic pregnancy, but turns out He was right again and I was strong enough.  I didn’t think I could bounce back, but I did, with Him.  So, I might not think I’m strong enough for another loss, but He continues to always be right and really He is the only one that knows.  Therefore, really is no use in me sitting here worrying over the small things…

Psh….harder said than done, but getting there.

 

Why question tomorrow…

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We begin IVF shots tomorrow, and that and itself is an overwhelming thought…but I think what’s more overwhelming is people questioning our every move.  This is a life that I live differently than everyone else.  If I have the opportunity to experience something big, I’m going to take that opportunity.  If I want to travel somewhere, no matter how far it may be or what country it is to, I’ll probably go.  If I’m comfortable in the restrictions or precautions I need to take and my husband is comfortable with them, then we shouldn’t have to answer to anyone.  We believe in God watching over us and taking care of us and any future little ones.  If it is His plan for us not to bear a child, then we will not.  Right?  I guess, I don’t know if I should be questioning this opportunity or not.  Does He put travel opportunities in front of us because He wants us to make the right decision, or does He put travel opportunities in front of us because He wants us to trust Him, let go of the worries and fully trust Him and His process.

Will we lose another child that isn’t even conceived yet because we traveled to India and ate something bad or caught something while we were there…. maybe.  I mean, I could also catch the mumps from a kid a couple of blocks down from our home, just by simply walking outside.  Do you live in fear & take the cautious road, or do you take the opportunities that can grow your business and you as a person? This is more rhetorical because quite frankly, I don’t really want any more opinions on the matter…our goal, is to pray about it and leave that in God’s hands.  God’s opinion is all I really need to be thinking about.

 

The need is there..

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Just reflecting on the past few years and trying to wrap my head around everything that’s transpired.  More than I have time to write about…

The need to feel wanted, loved, sufficient is all something I struggle with daily, actually more like hourly.  I don’t need roses every day or even a hug to be honest.  I was raised to be a tough cookie and to be able to handle things when they come rolling my way. If you think I’m kidding, you should have seen me on a hay truck at the age of 14, working my happy little bootay off with 3 other guys who were much more muscley than this 85 lb scrawny teen girl, but I survived 3 summers of it.  So I was taught at a young age to suck it up and be self sufficient.  I think we all have that desire to be able to do things on our own, right?  So when you you become an adult and decide you want to have children, you start to yearn for them (if you already didn’t).  If you’re like me, I was yearning for children since I was about 16 years old.  I knew that no matter what, I was meant to be a mom.  Not everyone is like that, some decide after a surprise pregnancy that that is what they want in their life.  Either way, once you get that feeling, you can’t let it go.  Even if the odds are against you, you won’t let it go.

What happens when you don’t succeed after trying, and trying, and trying and finally you succeed, yet to experience a loss 12 weeks later.  So you pick yourself up and try and try and try again, and another loss, and yet another loss.  6 years of losses can take a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical state.  I ate my feelings for awhile….like ate. my. feelings.  Like all of them….ALL the oreos and pizza and beer and hell, I’d eat brown sugar out of the bag some days.  But it happens, and then you figure out that’s not the best thing for you.

Eventually, you figure out how to cope, but you still don’t feel “full.”  There’s a massive hole in your heart that you can’t seem to fill.  So, you pick a fight with your spouse or friends, because they can’t fulfill you.   You become busy, all the time, you throw yourself into work, you seek out new hobbies, you yearn for attention, you do everything in your power to feel full again. Nothing seems to work. Then like a mama-slap to the back of the head, you realize that all this crap you’ve been trying to fill yourself up with is pointless.  Those materials, that attention, the new hobby may make you feel better temporarily, but it will do nothing for you.  In fact, it will actually make you feel more empty and could ruin your relationship(s). Unfortunately, it’s happened to me and to several others I know.  It kind of sucks.  By kind of, I mean really, really sucks.  It’s the last thing I want anyone to experience it sucks so much.  Imagine, putting your spouse or friends through the ringer and you expect them to fill you back up.  And they just sit there, support you with patience in their heart and sadness in their eyes, because they also know they can’t fill you.  Not like you think you need them too.

Fortunately, there’s this thing called God.  He’s there.  He can fill you.  That one thing you were trying to avoid, He’s the answer. Let me save you some heartache…..don’t seek out those materialistic things, new clothes, new shoes, a new car will not make you full.  That attention you might get online or in person, is not wanted attention.  It actually makes you feel crappier.  The expectation that you are putting your friend or spouse through, is so unrealistic and higher than anyone can climb to, but the big man upstairs.  Seek Him out.  Yearn for Him.  Dive into what He has given to you.

By the way, this isn’t easy….it sounds easy and it’s easy to write after you go through it.  It’s actually probably one of the last things you want to hear when you’re going through a tough time.  Force yourself to do it.  Trust me.  It’s worth it.

Anticipation Station

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IVF appointments are made, like made-made, not tentative like they have been for the past few months.  THEY ARE OFFICIAL.  I received the email about 5 am on Saturday morning and I couldn’t sleep.  My mind was racing with, “Can I do this?”  “Can we do this?” “Are we ready?” My mind was racing so much, I woke up my husband and told him the appointments were made and not really to my dismay, he rolled over and muttered something under his breath (probably like let me sleep woman).  So I lay there, just going through all the possibilities and I find myself incredibly excited and overwhelmed and shoot, I got excited and positive, didn’t I?

This entire process I’ve been pretty level-headed (minus the one evening I went MIA because I just needed to clear my head, but that’s a different story for a different day).  I’ve kept my sh!t together.  I’ve not been too optimistic and I haven’t been negative.  I have been realistic on what could happen but also what might not happen, and to trust God’s work and how His plan.  And now, here I am all excited about something that I really don’t have any control over.  As I knock myself down back to realistic stage, I spoke with a friend who has seriously been my rock.  I mean, I’ve so incredibly fortunate and have several rocks in my life.  I can’t explain how thankful I am for these people.  That said, one in particular told me to be excited.  “ENJOY EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF THE PROCESS!”  And she went on with so much wisdom in a single sentence, “Sometimes we get so caught up in what is trying to be accomplished, that we forget what is happening in front of us!  Every single embryo that survives is one of your babies! And that is amazing in itself!  What a wonderful thing to witness!  Life!” I read it a few times before it really sunk in, but she was right.  I don’t have control over the situation, but this process, I’m going to get excited about.  Maybe some think that’s crazy because we’ve already experienced 4 losses, why get all excited for it happening again.  OH that’s right, b/c you’re experiencing one of God’s greatest gifts…life.

And like that, I think I’m going to end it and let it all sink in for any of those that are struggling with this process.  Who are struggling to let go of the control, be excited but patient, be optimistic but realistic, there’s alot of things we should / shouldn’t be doing but whatever you do..enjoy the process.  Easier said than done, I know, but let’s try….

Things are getting real…

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Well, not that it wasn’t already real.  Considering, I just “pinned” to a secret board approximately 150 articles, “Do’s & Don’ts” and “Tips” for IVF & Adoption today, I guess you can say things are starting to get a little more real.  Adoption papers will be signed this evening and overnighted tomorrow and I’m waiting on my doctor to call me back to schedule IVF appointments.  Nothing like doing it all at once and not holding back right?

It’s a bit rattling if I’m being honest.  So many things to do and take care of and that’s just in the house, not to mention all the foods I should eat.  By the way, did you know pineapple is an implantation aid?  Yup, apparently it is and I’ll be going to the store this evening and stocking up on my pineapple.  And then there’s the schedule…my goodness, the schedule is what is probably going to be the most difficult.  For those that know us well, we’re on the go, constantly.  Besides this last weekend (NYE weekend) I can’t remember the last full weekend we didn’t have something planned out of town.  And we have things booked personally & professionally for the next year.  Therefore, determining when to schedule things is a little difficult and to know when to cancel already scheduled things will be even more difficult.  But it’s totally worth it, I know this.  Just a little rattling is all.  I’m more than happy (well, I wouldn’t say happy) but I’m more than thankful to push forward in this process, because even if the outcome is not what I want, I know it’s in God’s plan.

Let’s talk about that for a second….this is the largest rattler of them all, the outcome.  I realize the outcome is something I have no control over.  I know I can make sure everything is perfect for our homestudy, but in the big scheme of things, the home study agent and family that picks / doesn’t pick us has more say in it than I’ll ever have.  And IVF, well…..that’s another story.  I have no control over that.  I mean, I can eat healthy, I can exercise, I can cut out caffeine, certain cheeses, fish with mercury, alcohol, drugs (ha, just kidding, no drugs here guys); limit carbs; don’t over do it (whatever the hell that means) and oh getting 8 hours of sleep.  I don’t know who came up with this 8 hours of sleep thing, but my body works on about 4-6 hours of sleep pretty well, 8 hours of sleep is pretty much an impossible goal for me.  Anyways, beyond those things that COULD help, I have no control over if I have any embroyos, if the swimmers will survive, if the transfer will go well, if my body will do what it’s supposed to do.  That is out of my hands, and completely in God’s hands.  So to come home “empty handed” so to speak, will be difficult.  It’ll be disheartening, and I’ll be broken I know.  I fully trust the Lord and his path He has for me, just note that’s going to hurt.

On another note, my husband is very hopeful.  So hopeful, he promised me another puppy if it is not successful.  I’m pretty sure he’s banking on the transfer and everything going good.

Anyways, I don’t really know why I’m even writing today besides, sh*t got real today, and I’m just over here like…..what am I thinking, what am I thinking ….ok let’s do this.  So…let’s do this.