Tag: IVF

What glow…

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“Um, excuse me dear ‘pregnancy glow’ are you just a figment of people’s imagination or do you only visit certain people?  Because I think you’ve skipped over me this time.”  Instead, I’m super exhausted and looking pretty raggedy; however, no complaints here, because God is giving us one of the greatest gifts ever.  Life.

Baby V is the size of a Clementine orange!  Crazy to think that’s what I have inside of me right now.  We’ve been reading on what’s happening with them at the moment, currently little ones figure out how to swallow, which develops their gut. To know how intricately we’re all made, it blows my mind what God has created.  It truly is a miracle.

Other aspects of the pregnancy, I’ve been feeling meh, but I think that comes with the territory.  Sleepless nights, headaches, and exhaustion are the biggest symptoms at the moment, along with a side of all day sickness that comes and goes.  It’s like a ninja, you don’t see it coming and you never know when it’s going to strike, then quickly sneaks away again.  I joke, but it’s really weird feeling.  I’ve had pregnancy symptoms in the past, but this time it’s different.  It again, just solidifies how intricately we are all made.

We continue to pray that Baby Vinson is doing good, kicking butt in there and growing strong.  We haven’t had any other appointments and will not be back for a couple more weeks.  Which is a little bitter sweet to me.  We are approaching on our longest lasting pregnancy yet, but in the back of my mind there is that lingering thought of what’s going to happen, when will things go awry?  Obviously, we hope not, but we can’t spend every waking minute worrying about what’s to come.  I have constantly reminded to put my trust in God, believe in His plan, and go along His path.  I keep saying, You’ve got this, when in reality, He’s got this (THANKFULLY!)  And for this I’m so incredibly thankful.  WHAT could possibly be better than knowing that God has this all in his hands.

I think back to moments of struggle of my faith, my relationship with husband and friends, and it all boils down to me not trusting God’s way.  With support from others and seeking out strength in the Lord, I’ve really been able to find some peace in those past moments and the downs that we don’t foresee just yet.  So, who cares about the “glow,” what matters is letting go of the anxiety, fear, and worrying about the unknown and relying on what Jesus has in mind for us. So I’ll just be over here not glowing… 🙂 but patiently waiting in peace.

All over the place…

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Yesterday, we went in for an appointment for what we thought was just a “Hey you’re pregnant, so now we discuss all the things you should / shouldn’t do.”  I guess that’s not the official appointment name, but we didn’t know what to expect, and we definitely didn’t realize we were having another ultrasound!  This ultrasound was on the stomach, so it’s different than any of the past one’s we had.  And yay, we saw little one. We actually call little one Baby V (not because we have a name picked out, just short for Baby Vinson, and Baby V kind of sounds a little BA, like he/she is).

Not going to lie, little one was difficult to see / find at first, so my heart sank a couple of times, then we found him/her.  Anyways, once she found Baby V, they were doing like some pretty legit foot loose moves, or maybe it was a cooler, more up to date dance like the wobble or something (sorry, I’m not real sure what the new “dance” is these days).  Baby V was just moving around and killing it in there, lol.  This made it a little hard to get a good picture of him/her, but we got some blurry ones, and we did get to hear the heartbeat.  Which brought me to tears all day yesterday, and also brings me to tears (of joy) as I sit her and retell it.  For anyone that has gone through what we’ve gone through (or any type of fertility struggle) and never getting the opportunity of HEARING your baby’s heartbeat, that was alot of joy, alot of emotion.  My cup runneth over and over again.  So praise the Lord for great news!!!

So what’s next, we sit and wait (more waiting – ugh; God is really working on my patience here).  We sit and wait another month before our next appointment, and we have some testing done this week and then in a few weeks.  So if you’ve been praying with us, we appreciate prayers for good results, and Baby V just keeps on growing, oh and that I’m patient (ha!).

I talk about waiting alot here… and sometimes I feel like we haven’t been waiting that long, especially compared to what others have experienced, but then I do the math.  We’ve been waiting over 2,250 days trying for a child.  Of those #s, we’ve spent around 223 days being ecstatic over pregnancies and then experiencing the losses.  I’ve spent 150 days officially recuperating (laying low), which means Jason has spent 150 days officially taking care of me and putting my needs over his.  We’ve spent 500+ days thinking we didn’t care and/or not officially trying.  And I can’t even begin to count the number of days I have spent dreading getting up in the morning and dealing with a loss, long after the miscarriage or surgery took place.

The funny thing about losing a child, that feeling of loss doesn’t go away in just a few days or months.  It sticks around forever, literally forever.  You don’t just get over it.  I think a lot of people don’t fully understand that the feeling never truly leaves you, and some days it’s haunting, “What did I do wrong; What could I have done differently to make it not happen?”  It is seriously always there.  It brings joy to your heart sometimes, sometimes it puts you in a moody depression.  Just as an example, yesterday (one of the most joyous days we’ve had in awhile), I was overwhelmingly emotional as I was driving home from work.  I was emotional because A. I was so happy and thankful for the appointment we had yesterday, but also B. to see where we’ve come from and how long it’s taken us to get here.  And to be honest, I don’t think I’m fully over that last surgery I had.  It was so difficult, so time consuming and life-threatening and thinking back on it, it really scares the hell out of me.  It pisses me off.  But also it shows me how God works in mysterious ways and how thankful I am He took care of me during that time.  And lastly, how incredibly GRATEFUL we are to be where we are right now!

I feel like I’m rambling about things I’ve already hashed out on this blog and in my mind, I guess I just felt it was important to state it.  To understand the emotional/mental/physical toll these things take on people that have experienced loss.  Even in the happiest, truly happiest of moments you still have feeling of sadness from what has happened and the feeling of fear that what could still happen.  It just proves to me over and over, there is a much higher power than us and He is in control and He is taking care of us.  His plan is wayyyy better than mine and I am completely grateful for it right now.  So thank you Lord.

Was I all over the place this blog?  Sorry about that…lots of things running in my mind today.  Maybe our kiddo wasn’t dancing yesterday and they just have his mama’s ADHD and wanted to be all over the place, like this post?  lol…  🙂

All in

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I’ve mostly been talking about IVF in my posts, because that was the first process we were going through. Now, as we anxiously wait out on this little one, we finish our adoption paperwork!  Yes IVF & adoption at the same time may seem wildly absurd to most people, but when you have waited as long as we have, had as many heartaches as we have, you lay out your cards and go all in.

How did we decide adoption was for us?  For me, that want has always been there since I was younger.  It was never a question of if I would adopt or not, it was more a when will I adopt.  I’m not sure how it actually got started for me, but I’ll attribute it back to around highschool.  I knew a handful of foster children and  I saw how much they yearned for a family and I knew I needed to adopt those children yearning (obviously not something you can do as a high schooler).  But I knew I had a heart to give love. Adoption was something God wanted me to do, so basically since highschool, it has been on my heart.  When I met Jason 8+ years ago, two of my early questions to him was…”Do you want to have children and how do you feel about adoption?” Luckily, this sweet man said absolutely to children and although he hadn’t thought of adoption as much as I have, he was in.  I have watched that “I am in” change to a yearn in his heart over the years!  It overwhelms me to see this too, knowing it is truly one of my purposes on this Earth.  God sure knows how to put the right people in our lives!

Back to adoption process,  the last piece of paperwork we finished yesterday (yay!). We paid for our home study in December but haven’t had it done yet due to IVF and traveling in general, but it is on now!  I am so excited for this process and I know how slow and torturous the wait can be, but I can’t imagine a better time.  

Our cards are layed on the table, and we will hopefully get through the home study, and we wait and pray a young mom/dad picks us.  A young mom/dad will needs us, and allows us to love their child(ren) forever. 

Symptoms coming and going..

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I don’t really have too much to report right now, besides patience is truly a virtue.  This waiting period is a little nerve wracking, especially when you’re trying not to be anxious or stressed.  Ha!

I was officially released from my IVF doctor and will begin with my local doctor next week.  We will probably have another ultrasound at 10 weeks, I’m assuming.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve considered googling how much ultrasound machines cost so I can just do my own and have a peace of mind lol, but that seems a bit extreme! 🙂

-I can start light exercising, which is awesome.  I did walk over a mile on my lunch yesterday and my ovaries were a bit sore after, so I can tell that  they’re not completely back to normal, but they’re much better than they were.  I’ll be holding off on anything too crazy and jogging for a few more weeks.
-THIS ONE IS BIG – we finish our progesterone shots Sunday and then we’re done with injections, until we decide to do this crazy process again.  This is a little bitter sweet.  Awesome, because I can maybe do things after 8:00 pm that we’ve avoided doing, also awesome that J doesn’t have to shove a needle in my bum every evening, but also a little sad because that process is coming to an end.  Injections in the stomach and butt have completely changed my lifestyle and priorities (of course for good reason) but I don’t know that everyone gets the life-changing chore it can be but also the incredible blessing it is.

My symptoms come and go.  Which is slightly annoying. You would think I’d find relief when they pass, but it just reminds me of last miscarriage and having all these symptoms and then they all of a sudden go away.  So I’m truly thankful to have the symptoms, no matter how sick or tired I may be..I’d much rather have them than not.  Anyways, I’m pretty consistently nauseous, meaning about 85% of the day, and nothing sounds good food wise, except for random, unhealthy things, like fried chicken and brownies (sheez).  I haven’t acted on all of the unhealthy cravings, because I keep telling myself that not all things are nourishing to little one, so have been trying to figure out how to handle them.  Brownies did win yesterday though.  Beyond that, even when nothing sounds good, I just eat the meal anyways because I know I need to for them.  Other symptoms are dizziness and soreness off and on and well, my pants are a little tighter – probably from the brownies but whatever.  Exhaustion about 90% of the time.  Apparently, it’s exhausting growing a human inside of you!  And…heartburn is pretty intense, but I can’t seem to give up my spicy things just yet, so I’m just dealing with that heartburn.

We just keep continuing to pray, and talk to little one (which is weird at first, especially for Jason).  But I make him do it anyways…  The first time he decided to talk to him/her he asked, “So…how’s it going in there?”  I noted maybe, he should say things that don’t require a response back lol.  He’ll figure it out!  🙂  So prayers, optimism, patience and brownies are what we’re living on at the moment, and will continue to til next time we get to see little one!

Side note – if anyone is coming from Pittsburg, KS to NWA and wants to grab me some Chicken Annie’s chicken, you will not see me complaining!  🙂 

Thankfulness in all things

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Thankful again this week!  After this week of some small personal downs and big ups, I realized how thankful I am.  So I made a list…That I’ll probably keep adding to as the journey goes.

Thankful for sweet babies we have in heaven.

Thankful for sweet baby we have currently growing stronger every day (good appointment on Thursday showed a healthy heartbeat! Eek!!)

Thankful for a support system.  I honestly didn’t realize how important it is to have supportive people in your life.  The emotional roller coaster and extensive time and energy it takes to get through all these stages.  God has put several people in my life the past few years that are always there when I need something (and even when I don’t know I need something). Including family and friends that are pretty awesome.

Thankful for my husband.  He’s there. He’s present. He puts me and baby first and is a great leader to our growing family.

Thankful for the relationships that have been created on this journey.  Couples that have reached out to just talk about their experience and develop into real friendships. 

Thankful for God giving us the opportunity to go through IVF. It has been the most exhausting experience that has completely torn me down but also has been the most beneficial, life changing experience we have ever endured.

This journey has caused me to lose things but to also gain so so much more and for that I am incredibly thankful! 

Wait wait wait wait wait wait. 

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I sing it to the Rihanna tune, clever I know (ha), but that is all I have been doing.  

I haven’t even taken a picture for my project this week, unfortunately but I just feel like I am doing the same thing over and over.  Pill in morning, go to work, pill in evening, shot in bum, then we just repeat it.  I will say I am kind of over giving myself shots.  I am so thankful to have the opportunity to still be giving myself shots,it is just tiring and if I think about it too much I almost develop an anxiety then I tell myself to get over it and do it. It really isn’t too bad, I think I just am ready for that stage to be done with.  Done with bc my levels are superhero awesome, not done with because of a loss.  So being thankful during this stage and anticipating the next stage! 😀
Speaking of the next stage, I am ready to hit that 2nd trimester where I have more confidence in what I am feeling. We still have a bit to go, and although anything can happen at anytime, miscarriage percentages decrease at 8 weeks and then again pretty significantly around 12 weeks.  I also think “feeling” pregnant and/or looking it would help me to have more confidence instead of just sitting here in wonder all the time.  I guess this just shows how I need to be confident in God’s plan because I shouldn’t wonder or question His, no matter the outcome.

Anyways, I am not really seeming to have any symptoms and honestly, I have prayed for them. For any that complain about their morning sickness or bloating…Psh…Trade me, I’ll take it from you.  Be thankful you should have a little peace of mind, but also you get that experience.  I was having some sickness from about 3:00 pm til 7:00 pm but that has phased out OR I subconsciously eat crackers around that time and it calms my stomach.  I read that if you eat before it hits you, that can help…And to be quite frank, the foodie that I am rarely goes any period of time without food in hand or in stomach.  Seriously though, I just had a granola bar before boarding a plane and now I am sitting on the plane contemplating eating another one and I may have already looked up where I could eat breakfast during my layover. Lol – seriously is ridiculous.  I mean, occasionally I look slightly pregs, but that is generally after I eat alot of Mexican food.  

So will continue enjoying this food (and I will tell myself it is nourishment for the little one), and I will be thankful in this stage of waiting.  Because God’s got this.

Maybe putting it off will help…

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I put off getting out of bed this morning.  I decided if I stayed in bed an extra 45 minutes later than normal, that maybe I wouldn’t have time to worry or think about the spotting & mild cramping that started last night.  It didn’t work….still thought about it, still googled things, and now just sitting here quietly, trying to process.  Let me be clear before I go into my thoughts / feelings, that this could totally be normal and not mean anything serious.  There are different things that can happen, it can just be how your body is reacting in general, it could be the gestational sac re-attaching to your uterus, it could be leftover from the implantation, or it could be caused from the ultrasound.  So let’s just know that from this point on…. If you send any texts of what it could be, I totally appreciate it, but I probably already know them.  However, my mind goes the other direction, because dang it we’ve been here and that’s what mom’s do right?  They love their children so much, they worry… so ya, that’s what I’ll probably be doing that.  I’m not going to allow my thoughts to be consumed by it, but the thoughts will definitely be going through my head.

Anyways, I took it easy (for the most part) all weekend.  I even had a friend that asked me if I was still on the couch 4 hours later, lol and you bet your ass I was.  I did do some things around the house, like purge my closet and take care of the animals (both are larger chores than they should be).  But I took it easy, the doctor didn’t give me the “ok” to start working out because my ovaries are still massive and they don’t want you to get ovarian torsion. Which I totally can see how this happens, even sitting up at a twisted angle sometimes I’ll get a little pain b/c those ovaries aren’t used to the size they’ve been shot up to be.  My doctor said maybe another month and they should start looking normal.  So, back to last night…. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up in some mild pain, as well as some light spotting, which my mind could’ve gone 1,007 places, but I decided I wasn’t going to allow myself to do that, but instead I went straight to bed (skipped the teeth brushing and letting the dogs outside), text Jason that I needed prayers, and fell asleep praying.

Which leads to this morning….I wake up and just knew it hadn’t stopped so I just stayed in bed and put it off b/c I just didn’t want to start the week like this.  If anything I did this weekend caused that, then what will this weekend be like when we have a wedding to shoot.  HOW DO I DO THIS WITHOUT CAUSING ISSUES?  I honestly don’t know…

Like I said, I know all of these symptoms could be the cause of other things (other things that mean nothing) but it could also mean it’s the start of bad news… So…this is all I’ll write about it and/or think about it.  I’m not going to dwell on what could be, and I’ll contact my doctor if it gets worse and go from there, but for now, I’m going to do my best to keep that out of mind and pray that little fighter is holding on strong.

 

Joy in donuts

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I’ve been searching for my joy and I’ve found it…. In donuts.  Just kidding, but I did find a little joy in one today.

In all seriousness, I was overwhelmed with a bit of mixed emotions yesterday.  I, of course, was happy to see a little flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but I also found myself upset and feeling down for some reason.  After coming to the realization that my sadness was mourning for the other little one that we lost, I found peace.  Peace in knowing that our little one that didn’t make it was being held by the biggest, strongest, most powerful God and that was the best place for them.  And that brings joy to my heart and peace to my soul.  

Today, I woke up in a calm peace and felt I could now put all my energy into the littlest we do have.  It doesn’t mean we have forgotten the other littles but we know they’re in a safe place.  And He has given us this littles to take care of, love and raise like He wants, so that is what we will do and we will be joyful and grateful in every moment!  So thank you Lord for giving us this opportunity (and thank you for donuts).

Thoughts and things…

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There’s a few things that have been swirling through my mind the past few days.

First… the thought of why are so many people going through struggles.  Couples that are praying every day and begging for children have issues or hiccups or not able to conceive and I just don’t understand why.  The only thing I can say when I hear a story is tell them that I know God has a plan for us and He knows the amount we can withstand, and I pray that someday, I can understand whatever He throws at us….  In the meantime, ya got to keep the faith and keep moving forward.

Other thoughts swirling up in that big noggin are…excitement of what we may find out tomorrow, if we can start thinking about names, and how will we change up the house for their room?  Then I have feelings on the other spectrum, the anxiety of what we may find out tomorrow, if I will miscarry on my own or will I have to get another D&C.  Honestly, I’ve already thought about what we’d do if this happened; and I’d get a D&C asap, as in Monday, so I could be recuperated by next week’s wedding in Maine.  So I guess if it goes that route, I’ll pray I can get in somewhere to make that happen Monday, have a day or two of recuperation and Thursday off to Maine.  Not ideal, right?   Obviously, I know it may seem like I’m just thinking negatively, but I’m really not.  My imagination is HUGE and it runs wild pretty regularly, however in this situation I’m just trying to be realistic with myself and prepare myself for what may come.

There are three ways the appointment can go tomorrow.  We can find out good news & hear a heartbeat(s) (yay, obviously what we’ve been praying for), or we can find out not so good news and have that feeling in my heart ripped out again, or third situation (which I haven’t thought about til a good friend text me and told me it was possible – not to scare me but to prepare me, if necessary) but that we receive news that yes, there is something in there but we can’t hear the heartbeat b/c they’re too young.  Not going to lie, my heart sank a little when I heard that was a possibility. What’s funny is, I knew it was a possibility all along, I just didn’t think that would happen to us.  So thankful for my sweet friend that told me that happened with her now 5 year old.  For my state of mind, I just feel I need to hear a heartbeat.  I need that, for my sanity and for comfort.  I know the comfort would be temporary, but at least we’d receive some.

It’s sad really to go through a pregnancy like this.  (I know) I’ve had multiple people reach out and tell me not to worry and enjoy all the moments.  I completely 110% get it and agree.  It’s just once you have that first miscarriage you play it more cautiously.  You eat and drink only recommended things.  You take it easy and don’t overdo it, even when it isn’t convenient.  And you pray and don’t tell anyone for fear you’d have to go back and tell them, “Hey, we miscarried, so ya…”  Or what’s even worse is forgetting to tell someone you secretly told and 3 months later they ask how you’re feeling.  Ugh.  Anyways, after this many, I’m ready for that little heartbeat(s).  These moments should be nerves full of excitement, not nerves full of worry/anxiety.  And granted, I’m doing my best to be positive, but I’ve noticed all my self-portrait photos, I’m not smiling, I’m being cautious to be too happy.  It sucks….  I’m totally not complaining, because this situation is what God has decided we’re strong enough for, so please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I just don’t like the fact that I think like this….how do you get out of your head and fully enjoy this moment of waiting….. I’ll let you know when I figure it out I guess.

Heartbeat or not, Jason will not be there to hear it and unfortunately my silly phone decided to stop recording sound today so he won’t get the opportunity to hear a heartbeat live or even by recording.  But I know he’ll get to some day and that is something to look forward to…

We appreciate the prayers for tomorrow…

Distractions…

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Several distractions are going on this week, which is exactly what I’ve needed to keep my nerves about the 6 week ultrasound on Friday to a minimum.  Small distractions, like Jason being in India, tornado warnings (ya know, small things…) and then the bigger & more annoying ones like the dogs being muddy every single night (baths for days) and small cold I’ve seem to caught (thanks Jason).  This takes up much of my free time, so less time to sit there and dwell on what will / won’t happen on Friday.

Yet, it also makes me a little sad that I feel I’ve gotten a little complacement? with this pregnancy, where I’m not focused on it enough.  Maybe that’s a good thing?  I just feel like I should spend the majority of my time focused on the little ones and praying they are healthy and growing!  Maybe this is just how a parent always feels.  You’re always thinking, worrying about your children and some days you’re simply too busy and not giving them enough attention.  #parentlife

Enough of the rambling… no real changes with me this week.  I still don’t “feel” pregnant like I have in the past, which could all be in my head.  I may be having a little morning sickness but not until 3ish pm.  I think that’s what it is….but I don’t know to be honest.  It could be my head cold and just taking too much out of me, or it could be me just being hungry and I feel a little weak.  Only other things that are changing is I get dizzy occasionally when I get up too quickly.  I find myself getting up and pausing a few seconds before moving much more, and that seems to help. Beyond that, I don’t “feel” pregnant (no bloating, exhaustion, etc).  Everyone and every pregnancy is different though, so throw your expectations out the window.  No one has control over this but the good Lord, so I’ll just take symptoms as they come or don’t come….  And lastly, I’m starting to get much better at giving the progesterone shots to myself.  The first day on my own, I hit a vein (dang it), so I had to start all over and I questioned myself if I could really do them on my own or not.  It’s getting much easier and as long as I’m relaxed (or as relaxed as I can be), it doesn’t seem to hurt, so that is a win.  So I will keep trucking along and hopefully kick this cold in the meantime.  And will continue praying the little one(s) will show up for me on Friday and will be healthy, healthy, healthy!

Ps.  I probably don’t sound too worried about Friday, but jeez I am, I am just allowing myself to continue to be distracted, because dwelling on what may or may not happen isn’t doing me and/or little ones any good.  And I’m working on giving those worries up to God, because He is in control, not me.