Tag: IVF

Thankful & in need of strength..

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Thankful for all the incredible people in our lives that are saying prayers for our levels to increase!  And they did!  Again, praise the Lord!  Our levels increased to 2,362, which is a healthy increase that I will not complain about!

I cannot complain about anything else either.  Every step on this journey, I’m going to be thankful.  Currently, the hubs is sick, like sick sick (sicker than the normal man cold), and hasn’t been able to help much around the house when I’m exhausted.  In addition, he’s leaving for India tomorrow and then on the 16th, we meet in Maine for a wedding.  Therefore, the stress level is a bit higher than I’d like and the house isn’t as germ-free as I would prefer and we aren’t at our healthiest, but we’ve got to be thankful.  This morning I got down on my knees and thanked God that Jason was going through this sickness…I didn’t know WHY he was going through this sickness, but it is for a reason and maybe to get it out of his system before he travels to a foreign country..I’m not even going to pretend to know why he is, but it’s for a reason, so we should be thankful for it.  Thankful for this sickness and for the stress that tends to come with it.

Although, we’re thankful, we’re also a wee bit nervous.  Because our next Dr. appointment is next Friday.  On the 10th, we get our 6 week ultrasound done and this is exciting but oh, so nerve wracking.  Ultrasounds – I’ve had plenty of those bad boys.  They can be really exciting, especially when you finally hear that heartbeat and the Dr. says, “Everything looks good.”  Except, we’ve never experienced this.  It’s always been silent and cold, as you see the smile slowly fall off the nurse’s face, and you have this awkward moment where you know, she knows you know it’s bad news.  You just nod and suck it up and hold strong to not cry til she leaves the room.  She scurries to grab a doctor and you receive the inevitable, the only news you didn’t want to hear that day.

There was one time,  we heard a heartbeat, well I heard a heartbeat.  I was going back to an emergency surgery and he couldn’t be with me in the room.  I heard a heartbeat, a strong one, and the nurse quickly said, that’s just your blood flowing, not a heartbeat.  Later to find out, she was just trying to comfort me because it was a heartbeat, a heartbeat inside my fallopian tube.  It was our 2nd ectopic pregnancy and that little one wasn’t a vital pregnancy and unfortunately we lost him/her. 😦  I really, really don’t want to experience this again.  I need to hear a strong heartbeat.  I want to have the doctor exclaim, “Everything looks great!”  I desire to feel that inside of me.  I need that, but maybe God may have a different plan and I know this.  Therefore, I need strength to get through this next week.  I need peace to do this ultrasound fearlessly, and without losing my mind.  Jason will be missing this ultrasound (in India), so I’ll be doing this solo.  Well, I say solo, but I know God will be by my side and I’ll also probably bring my mom with me.  I’ll just make her wait in the waiting room because if it’s bad news, I’d rather lose it by myself than with her there.  I cope better that way.  So strength.  I need you this week. In the meantime, I’ll just be thankful.

525 & Thankful

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525…those were great numbers to hear today!  Praise the Lord!   

My HCG level increased to a more comfortable level than the original test.  A little sigh of relief swept over these parents.  Of course, it won’t be the last worry or stress we will see on this journey, but we will take them one at a time.

On top of this great news today, I did my first progesterone shot on my own. Whew!  J will be heading to India the end of this week and since he has been giving me the progesterone shot, I have put off giving them to myself.  I almost even chickened out this evening, but decided I needed to suck it up and get it over with!  A shot is a shot, not a big deal.  But the shots in the the stomach weren’t that bad, just a little annoying.  At least I could see where I was injecting them. Progesterone is an intramuscular injection, in other words, right in the bum.  It wasn’t the easiest to do but is completely doable and did it myself today.  That may seem like something small, but I consider that two weights lifted off my shoulders today.  

Thank you dear God for taking care of us and these little superhero(es) that are being as strong as they can be!  Thankful today. 

No worries

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This weekend I had several moments where I was worrying or thinking too much about the next blood test (which is today).  I woke up to this devotion on my phone:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (NLT) -2 Timothy 1:7

Do you have a lot of worries over circumstances you cannot control?  Dear friend, one ounce of worry doesn’t do an ounce of good.  Letting worry creep in means you are giving control of the situation over to a spirit of fear.  If you find yourself worrying about something, stop and occupy your mind in a way that solves the problem.  Better yet, get your hands busy and put on a spirit of love by serving others.”
This is all I needed to hear to get through the day.  I have a calming peace that has been put over me this morning, no matter the outcome.  I know worry will creep back up at some point in time and I’ll be ready to take it on when it does.

Cautiously optimistic…

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That has pretty much been where my head has been from the beginning.  Today is no different. We had the HCG test done today and before I went inside, I selfishly prayed, “Dear Lord, I know it isn’t my call but if I am going to miscarry, please let me know now with this test, please don’t let me get my hopes up and then I miscarry.” I know, I know…it is a selfish prayer, I just didn’t think I could handle having high hopes again and then a loss…again.  If we were going to experience another loss, I wanted to deal with it upfront. As I walked inside to get my test done, I thought to myself, I know you don’t work like this Lord, I know.  Took a breath and said a prayer.  Let’s do this.

So, test came out positive!  I had a 71 pregnancy hormone level. Yay!  Yay!  Yay!  So exciting and of course, hopeful and optimistic…..cautiously optimistic.  You see, I’ve been here before.  I have miscarried a few times.  I miscarried when my level was a 61.  Of course, this is a little too close for comfort.  But we are pregnant.  They consider your test positive if your levels are between 50-500, so our little superhero(es) are a little lower than I would like to see them, but they are still there.  We are testing again Monday and Wednesday to insure my levels are going up.  The nurse told me we would know more Monday and to “Hang in there.” Cringe. Not exactly the words I wanted her to end our call with.

Hanging in there, being patient, staying calm, praying and being excited in a very caution manner. We can officially say we have been blessed again with another life(s) and praying they continue to grow and be strong, just like the little superhero(es) they are. ❤

And we wait…

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The waiting game continues.  Currently, waiting in the front of the lab, ready to get my blood drawn.  Then we will wait most of the day to receive results, then we will wait every two days to insure babies are growing.  

I got you God…you are teaching me patience.  Thank you for this, sincerely, I know I need more so thank you for this.

I may not update this today, pending results and how I feel and because if we do get a positive today, I may want to wait til I know the levels continue to go up.  I’ll be back sometime.. 

If I am being honest..

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I was pretty confident until Tuesday evening that I was pregnant. I’ve been pregnant multiple times before. I know what it feels like, I know it is so difficult for me to keep my eyes open, I know how my stomach bloats and how I actually look differently. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I just know.  Except for last night…I wasn’t as tired anymore, I didn’t feel or look like I have in the past and I feel pretty normal, with a side ache and a little spotting.

It makes me sad, cringe, wonder, worry.  I am struggling to be upbeat and happy.  I am praying these sweet little ones get to see mama and let me love them, provide for them, and introduce them to the most awesome dad on earth.  I just don’t feel like that is going to happen.  Hoping and praying I’m wrong and doing my best to find understanding if I am correct.

Honestly, this waiting game kind of sucks and I know tomorrow will be more difficult.

Learning experience

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I had a little spotting today.  I know that can be common, I also know that it can mean things aren’t working out (to my hopes).  Maybe this is a learning experience.  Maybe God is telling me I’m much stronger than I think and He’s teaching me something bigger.  So I’ve decided to make a list of things I have learned throughout this process.

  • I can take a shot like a champ. Seriously though.
  • My patience is very thin.  I mean, I’ve known this my entire life, but I realized it is time to stop making excuses for it, and time to actually do something about it.
  • Some people just won’t show up. This is kind of sad, but I get it.  There are so many people there for us, but a few that I was sure would be there are just a little MIA. I read an article this morning about this exact subject and it made me realize that it is pretty common.  Maybe we’re all just pretty selfish in this world and we expect too much out of others.  Which leads me to my next one…
  • I’m a little selfish and I expect too much!  My husband is #1 person to experience this (pray for him).  I really didn’t think I was, but I am.  I feel like I’m doing all these shots and taking all these meds and I should get a little extra credit or something.  Apparently, it doesn’t work like that.
  • When you want something so badly, you can will your body into thinking it has it, when it definitely may not.
  • My hubs is patient, not all the time but 95% of the time and he’s pretty freaking awesome all together!
  • No one’s IVF experience will ever be the same.  Everyone has different meds, different schedules, and no two experiences are similar. We are all created so uniquely, that everyone that goes through IVF is completely different than the next person’s.  Mind blowing.
  • True laughter is necessary. Every. Single. Day.  Not the fake laugh or smirk here and there, true, genuine laughter.
  • It’s a little difficult to be home at 8:00 on the dot for medications.  Your entire schedule changes and you have to shift your priorities to your medication.  Do you have enough time to eat out and make it back in time?  Can I run this errand before then? It’s an very interesting thing to always account for.  Maybe it’s prepping you for baby waking up at the most inopportune time.
  • Taking pictures of each moment and feeling (happy, upset, crying) is really eye opening for me.  One time I was lying on a floor, bawling, in a hotel room and Jason tried to comfort me and I said no…take a picture.  I need to remember this.
  • Being understanding is vital. You don’t have to do everything for someone, but to understand what someone is going through (the nerves, the emotions, the physical toll it takes) and how all of that affects them.  Affects their personality, their thoughts and how they react to simple things.  You and/or your loved ones will experience this.
  • You don’t want to do all the social activities. Man, I love to be out and about!  I don’t like to miss out on things… but I don’t care anymore. I want to lay down, rest, take it easy, and pray.
  • You share your story, and hundreds of others will share with you.  This is so powerful.  I’m blown away by the real relationships I’ve made by simply sharing our story. One friend, whom used to be a wedding client, that I really only talked to if I saw her / her family or through social media.  And now, we text each other almost every day and I truly care about her and her family. Not necessarily something I expected to happen.
  • My emotions are ALL over the place, all the time. I’ve teared up about 7 times as I’m typing this article lol.
  • You will never go to the bathroom and not wonder, “Will there be blood?” That is such a huge fear.  Yet, every time I sit down, this comes to my mind. Unfortunately, this morning there was a little.
  • Prayer is much more comforting than I’ve experienced in the past.  Maybe my prayers in the past have been selfish prayers, but it has developed into a much different experience.  It’s more about having a relationship with your Maker. I’m far from where I’d like to be, but praying that continues to develop.
  • Speaking of prayer, it doesn’t always have to be love-love prayer.  You can be mad at God, you can question Him, but you have to let it go and TRUST Him.  Again, it’s about that relationship.
  • Packing to travel is much more complicated.  Pack enough needles, and back ups, meds, and other small items you normally don’t have to worry about.
  • We are absolutely, 110% not in control.  
  • His way is the best way.  I may not understand it.  I may question it and I likely will argue with it, but His way truly is the best way.

I guess that sums it up for now, I’ll likely come back and edit this and add things as they come to mind.  Just a few things to consider if you and/or your loved one is going through IVF. I’ll continue praying this is more than just a learning experience, but for now I do not know and it is out of my control, and praying is what I can do.

I don’t know…

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That’s been my answer several times today when family and friends ask me how I’m doing.  “I don’t know,” seems to be the only response that I can seem to spit out.  The emotions, the feelings, the wondering and waiting have really muddied my level-headed thoughts and I just don’t know how I feel.

I’ve been achy or crampy since the transfer basically.  It hasn’t been a big deal and I knew that would be a common thing I’d have.  Implantation = cramps, or child loss = cramps.  I knew going into this that cramps would be a sensation I would have.  However, even having this knowledge upfront doesn’t help my mind from wandering what each cramp is or what it means.

We find out this Friday on the results.  WE FIND OUT THIS FRIDAY.  My nerves are a little bit of a wreck, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m kind of sad, all while just continuing to tell myself to perk up, be happy, enjoy this moment, breathe, give your worries to God.  I’m doing all these things and that silly mind of mine keeps wondering what’s going on inside.  But this Friday we will have a definitive answer.  And this has me feeling like…. I just don’t know.  I’m really all over the place, and I can’t seem to put into words what I’m feeling. Honestly, it makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking of all the emotions that I’m trying to fight off.

But we have faith.  And we know we’re doing everything we’re supposed to be doing.  Keeping my feet warm, eating the things you’re supposed to eat (good fats, soups, healthy food), avoiding the sugary stuff that I’ve been craving!  Not picking anything up over 5 lbs (which seems extreme, but I’m still doing it).  Getting plenty of sleep, drinking plenty of water and laying low.  Goodness, I’ve never layed so low in my life!  Ha!  And we pray most of the day on our own and we pray together every night, praying over these little two embryos that they are healthy, they are growing, they are strong and will continue to grow.  Praying they are God’s will for us.

Today is our 7th year anniversary and all I want is to have children here on earth with us.  So if you’re reading this & you want to gift something, say a prayer that these babies are healthy, strong, and God’s will for us and they will keep on growing!  That would be the greatest anniversary gift. 🙂

In the meantime, we’ll just wait, try not to wonder, wait some more, and find out the results on Friday.

Transfer.

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Yesterday.  Yesterday was a little of a bumpy ride.  We were pretty shocked to find out our 13 healthy embryos were wittled down to almost nothing within a short 5 days.  I still don’t completely understand how that happens, but I know it happens.  My plans of implanting 2, freezing a handful for the future, and donating the rest to other couples struggling with infertility abruptly stopped in their tracks.  Hopes and dreams of what I thought would happen disappeared. And my heart was crushed.  

Yet, there is always a glimmer of hope in destruction and we prayed that we would understand and that we were thankful for this situation and experience we were going through.  It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less, it just meant we knew we weren’t going through it alone and there is a plan for us. 

The doctors decided to push the transfer back 5 hours, in hopes the little ones may grow a little more, unlike they thought they would.  Two little ones did slightly, but their quality was so poor they didn’t even grade them.  Luckily, we were given the opportunity to discard the embryos or transfer, because freezing with their quality wasn’t an option.  Of course, we decided to transfer those two little ones and pray they would thrive in their home, my uterus.  Good thing my husband is part superhero and I know those little ones won’t give up easily.  They will fight.  They will grow.  They will be strong.

In the meantime, I’m just doing my best to be strong.  Cry if I need to, but not sit around and wallow in sadness.  Be strong, brave, positive, patient, level-headed and fearless. I mean, if two “poor” quality embryos can fight, I can too.

My heart hurts a little…

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Getting ready to leave the hotel to have great breakfast and start to the day and received that call from Restricted # and I knew it was my doctor.  The second it rang, the word, “Sh*t,” came out of my mouth, followed by a, “Please no.” 

The call was exactly what I thought it was, bad news.  Little embryos aren’t looking so hot at the moment.  They are monitoring them until 11 am and will see if they have progressed at all.  If they haven’t, then transfer will cancel.  If they have, we will do the transfer later today, because they want to give them all the fighting chance they can get.

I know this happens a lot, so I am trying to be optimistic but my heart is hurting and my hopes are low.  I want to ask God, “Why?” But I’m refraining and praying for the situation, the peace no matter the turn out and the understanding I need to not turn into a crazy person. 

For now, just will be doing my best not to question and like all pregnancies, I’ll just sit here….and wait and wait and wait (patiently and impatiently) til 11.

On a lighter note, my husband is trying to lighten the mood by sending me the below video,

“Trying to steam crabs in the hood”