Tag: Miscarriage

Revisiting the Journey

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This time of year always puts me in a mood. Maybe it’s because October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Or maybe it’s because October 5, 2016, was the day I thought I was going to lose my life in the most traumatic ER visit ever. Or maybe it’s both. Either way…it’s been two years since I’ve posted on this Infertility turned Family-Living-with-Infertility blog, and it feels like its time to revisit. I know this may be a longer blog post and we live in a TikTok world of 15-second attention spans. So yes, this is probably more for me than anyone else. But if you want a recap, come along with me…

One of the first things I asked Jason on one of our first dates was, “Do you want kids?” Kids have always been on my heart since I was a child, and I knew my person also needed this in their life. He said yes, and honestly that sealed it for me (among other reasons, but that was a big one). We dated, got engaged, and were married in one year and 15 days. We started our life together ready for kids… but God had a different plan.

Over the next six years, we faced a miscarriage, a blighted ovum, and an ectopic pregnancy. Things we’d never even heard of and things people didn’t really talk about at the time. I felt pretty alone but tried to hold onto the phrase “God won’t give you more than you can endure” but honestly, it felt like too much. I carried guilt, shame, all the “what did I do wrong” thoughts. Or maybe this was payback for bad choices in my past? Those six years that should’ve been filled with lots of laughter and joy had some really dark moments… I overworked, over partied, under-ate some times, over-exercised others— really, anything to keep my mind off our reality. Thankfully I have a pretty great husband who has always chosen to be there.

One morning, pregnancy not even close to my mind, I woke up with what felt like a side stitch. No big deal I thought, lets get the day going. I got ready for 4:30 am yoga, but decided I felt off and needed to stay home. I crashed on the couch thinking I just needed to rest and day off work. Over the next few hours the pain became unbearable. When trying to decide if I needed to go to the ER or wait for urgent care to open, Jason reminded me, “You always say if you don’t follow your gut you always regret it, maybe you need to listen to your gut here.” Hey Holy Spirit..I heard you. So to the ER we went.

From all my accident prone years as a kid, I seem to have a pretty high pain tolerance, but this had me in tears. After hours of waiting and begging to be seen, I told Jason if he didn’t go into middle of the hall, jump up and down screaming until someone brought pain meds, then I’d be going home where I at least had Tylenol to take. I simply couldn’t take the pain anymore… Thankfully, a nurse overheard our conversation and assisted getting my meds. Finally, some relief…

The next few minutes were a whirlwind of ups and downs, extreme pain to relief, a Dr. telling me I was pregnant to hearing a heartbeat before the ultrasound tech realized what was happening and quickly turned off the sound (a sound burned into my head forever). Then to a nurse friend coming in to check on me, congratulate us, and instantly her face dropping when she realized it was an ectopic pregnancy – a look burned into my head forever. And moments later, the Dr. informing us it was unusual for an ectopic pregnancy to have a heartbeat, but we needed to have emergency surgery and remove the tube right away. Questions flooded into my mind: remove my last tube? no more chances of having babies? but she said there was a heartbeat, wait how? Trying to process all this, the Dr. snapped, “Sure. We have all the time here. No, we need to do this surgery now and you always have the option of invitro.” Words burned into my head forever.

As I was rolled back for emergency surgery, a kind nurse asked if she could pray over me – thank God for her. Not aware of how long the procedure was or the thoughts Jason had during that time, but I woke up to find I’d lost over a liter of blood into my abdomen, my last fallopian tube had ruptured, and I was no longer pregnant.

The bright side… looking back, was the support. Jason, just being present, and always there. My mom dropped everything (on her birthday) to steam clean our floors ha, cook homemade chicken and noodles, and just check on me. Some friends and our community group sent meals, letters, flowers, and scriptures. And honestly, I wasn’t in the place to receive it. I was pretty pissed off, bitter, broken, whatever negative connotations you can add to this, that’s what I was at the time. But today, I can see the love that carried us through it…

A few months pass and we decided to pursue adoption and IVF at the same time. I had always wanted to adopt (still do) and I was not quite sold on venturing down the IVF road; however with some family encouragement, we tried. And we did IVF 3 times…

IVF Round 1
We started this round knowing Jason had a big trip to India coming up. It was something he had already committed to before, and honestly, a trip he quit his corporate job to go on. The timing wasn’t ideal, because it lined up right when I would be in the thick of shots—the glamorous belly shots and the not-so-glamorous butt shots. I had to make peace early on that I would be handling all of this by myself, and that if I wanted to keep stress low (for both of us), I needed to prove I could handle it. So I did. Day after day, needle after needle, telling myself, “It’s fine. I’m fine.” ….except, ya know, it wasn’t really fine—it was exhausting. My body was bruised, my mind was drained, and I felt like I was on autopilot most of the time.

On top of that, we were driving to Kansas City constantly for appointments—sometimes there and back in the same day—so I could still keep my corporate job and work in the car while Jason drove. Other times I went alone, and when I didn’t feel strong enough for that, I’d drag my mom along just so I wasn’t by myself. And as if that wasn’t enough, we were still shooting weddings nearly every weekend, sometimes back-to-back ones. I can still picture myself sneaking off to a bathroom stall, giving myself a shot, and then walking right back out like it was a normal day—smile on my face, while inside I was running on fumes. There’s definitely some hidden trauma wrapped up in those moments that I’ve tucked away for another day…

IVF, Round 1 was going well, we ended up with 18 eggs and 13 fertilized! Odds seemed to be in our favor. We were scheduled for a 5-day transfer, so close! The morning of the transfer my phone rang. And in IVF world, you do not want a call before transfer because that means something is wrong. Sure enough, the Dr. on the other end said, “Hey Chasnie, I want to let you know there’s only 2 embryos (me, already heartbroken we only had 2 left) …and I can’t actually rate them, because their quality is so poor. Do you still want to proceed this morning?” My expectations had already been low going into IVF, and this news dragged them even lower than I thought possible. Still, there wasn’t much of a choice. I remember being pretty down but told her, “Well, yeah…I mean, what else are we supposed to do.” So we went forward, …even though my heart wasn’t convinced it would work. I told myself to just carry on with life as normal, not to hope too much, and not to set myself up for heartbreak again. But God. Out of those two “poor quality embryos” ENTER ZAYDEN.

IVF Round 2, same process, lots of driving, shots, much more confidence to do the shots, drove by myself multiple times, and we had a toddler to “help” me with the shots.

The exhaustion was real, but there was kind of a rhythm to it now.

19 eggs, 13 fertilized, 4 embryos on day of transfer. Morning of transfer, again I had a missed phone call. Stomach sank. This time it wasn’t about MY embryos, it was a mistake. The clinic had accidentally left me a message stating the transfer was off and there were no embryos. I spiraled. I called them back several times to get some answers. After 20 minutes of spiraling, they realized they made a mistake and our 4 embryos were waiting for us. My heart went out to the other couple receiving the bad news. My nerves were shot, I again went into this round with not high expectations. That day we transferred 2 embryos and froze 2 embryos. We were convinced God made me to carry twins, but He again had a different plan… ENTER RYKEN.

IVF Round 3, Things looked a little different this time around with a frozen transfer. Less shots & meds, fewer miles, but way more exhaustion because we had 2 toddlers at home.

We were ready to transfer the remaining 2 frozen embryos from Ryken’s round. This round felt simpler but not any less difficult. We were living in a post-covid world where we thought our transfer may get cancelled through part of it and all of the Dr appointments were done solo. Masks, empty waiting rooms, stricter rules in general. It wasn’t what I would call an upbeat experience. My last appointment there was a little bittersweet knowing I’d never be back, but again an empty waiting room with just me & a sign that said “You’re Not Alone.” Thank you Lord I was not alone.

Going into this round, I was 110% convinced this was the time God was going to give us twins. It just made sense to me, but again, He had another plan… ENTER KYDEN.

That was the end of our IVF journey. I wanted to share it because October always carries extra weight for me. It’s Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and with it comes this mix of grief and gratitude that’s hard to put into words. I still remember the ER rooms, the phone calls, the endless waiting, all the damn waiting, the prayers I wasn’t sure I had the strength to pray—and the many prayers others prayed over us and our littles. Those memories don’t just go away, even when we’re tucking in three healthy, beautiful babies every night.

The truth is, infertility doesn’t vanish once you finally have children. It lingers quietly in the background, showing up in unexpected moments, reminding you of what was lost, what was fought for, and what will always be a part of your story. I never want our heaven babies to be forgotten.

In the grief, I can also point to the ways God showed up. He was there in the nurse who prayed over me, in the family and friends who carried us, and now in the laughter and chaos of these 3 little ones. Grief and joy really can live together…. And hope can still be close, even when it doesn’t seem existent. So if you’re in the thick of it right now, please know you are not alone. Your story is not over.

Even if I’m not in same life season as you, always here for chatting about others infertility journeys. And I have a couple of ladies that would love prayer during their current IVF journey…if you think of it, keep those ladies in mind.

Seven. ❤️

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Seven, that’s how many heaven babies we have. To some that may seem like a drop in a bucket to their several more losses. To others it may seem like too many to still be sane (my sanity is still in question), and there are countless others that will say to themselves, atleast you were able to get pregnant. I’ve thought every single one of those thoughts over the years and today I just am grateful for the littles we have.

A couple of months ago I was at the Dr office and I was asked if we’ve had any miscarriages and I huffed and said “uh ya,” and she asked me how many and my reply was “alot.” However, she needed more information, she needed a number before she would look at my first ultrasound this pregnancy… So I counted. I managed to come up with 5 losses, unfortunately what I hadn’t counted yet was the 2 we lost during our IVF processes. Maybe those don’t qualify as miscarriages but embryos that we lost
They were viable embryos and I did carry them, even if only for days. I don’t say this to strum up past, sad feelings but I say it to explain just how mentally exhausting infertility is. It takes a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and to think I hadn’t even begun to register the last two losses we experienced. It’s been almost 2 years since one and about 11 weeks since the last…you would think that would be enough time, but the reality is you never “get over” a loss. If it’s the loss of not having a positive pregnancy test, miscarriage, a phantom pregnancy, ectopic, or loss of a child you have had the privilege to hold in your arms. The loss is always with you.

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I usually share our story, my video I created last IVF process or the blog I put together with 12 other strong ladies about our losses. But this year I encourage you to share your story. Tell me about your beautiful little one you were able to meet even if only via ultrasound. If not me, share with someone the loss you experienced and remember those sweet babies in Heaven. I’ll be remembering our seven a little extra this month.

Moment 4 | Understanding Our Infertility

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The most recent moment to our infertility journey you may think end with having Zayden. But infertility is not something that just disappears after having children, it sticks around, haunts you some days, traumatizes you some and tucked in your heart forever.

Throughout my pregnancy, I was a bit of a hot mess. I was surprisingly calm through most of it but I worried every single day what was going to go wrong, when I would lose Zayden, if I was going to die during delivery. Literally I thought about every possible bad scenario and would replay it in my head. I did everything I could think of to not think like that but it was inevitable.

When you walk through life with infertility, it sticks around, haunts you, traumatizes you forever. Granted, I thank God every day for that sweet baby that He gave us but I worry. Will he fall and hit his head, will we get in a car crash, will a pop fly hit him one day when he’s old enough to play baseball? I’m sure my parents used to think the same thing about me, and guess what – the answer is ya, probably. We can’t control what they do or what happens to them. But we can be thankful for every moment we get to share with him.

When I started this 4 piece blog about understanding our infertility journey. I initially thought Moment 4 was this big epiphany I had after having Zayden, but the more I thought about it, I don’t think I’ve had my moment 4. I don’t fully understand why God chose us to go through this journey…

Maybe He wanted us to not take any second for granted.

Maybe He wanted us to be a rock for someone else going through a struggle?

Maybe our struggle was preventing us from more heartache, someway somehow.

Maybe He needed us to be a voice to someone else going through infertility.

I can’t really speculate because our journey is ever-continuing and will be something we struggle and question every day. So we will enjoy every moment He has given us, the sad, the bittersweet and chaotic moments and continue strong down our journey. ❤️

Moment 2 | Infertility Uncovered

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This week is National Infertility Awareness Week!  If you’ve been following along the past couple of days, I’ve been sharing 4 moments in our infertility journey that have opened my eyes to the bigger picture.  These moments are a little more personal than I care to share, but I think it’s important in sharing our story, not just to mend ourselves, but to help others on their journey.  I know sharing their stories isn’t for everyone, but I feel like God placed certain situations and certain people in our lives to help us grow and to help others grow.  So…I’m sharing, no matter how difficult the stories can be at times, I just remind myself, there’s a bigger reason for our infertility journey.  I’ve come to understand it more over the past 9 years, and leads me to Moment #2.

Moment #2:

I heard a heartbeat.  Surprised, I looked over my shoulder at the nurse and she said oh, that’s not a heartbeat, that’s just your blood pumping and she quickly turned the sound of the machine off.  She was lying to save my sanity.  

Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Where do I even start here?

This day was one of the scariest days of my life, literally.  Probably for Jason as well and we’ve both done some crazy scary things in the past but this day took the cake.  I woke up about 4:15 and was headed to hot yoga. I felt fine and ready to start the day, sat in my car and I felt a little sick to my stomach.  I thought to myself – you’re fine, just indigestion or something – keep moving along.  I made it about 3 miles down the interstate before I turned around and came back home.  I layed on the couch from 4:30-8:00 waiting for this “indigestion” to go away.  I debated going to the doctor but figure nah, you’re fine.  Looking back now, I was just being stubborn and a little stupid.  I was in the most pain I’d ever felt as I layed there curled up in a ball on the couch, this was not a stomach bug. Jason finally asked me what my gut was telling me, do I need to take you to the ER.  Yes. That was it, yes my gut (or the pain in my gut) was telling me something was wrong.  I needed help.

The ER was a typical ER & always so many people.  We waited for over an hour and finally they took us back.  In the same breath we found out I was pregnant, we found out it may be an ectopic pregnancy (again).  I’ve done research on this, the chances of someone having 2 ectopic pregnancies in 2 different tubes is pretty rare, but I  honestly wasn’t surprised.  We knew what was coming next.  I thought they’d take me back to surgery right away and the tube would erupt and we’d be no longer able to have kiddos the way we wanted to. However, they took me back to do some bloodwork and an ultrasound to confirm it was an ectopic.  I was sitting there waiting to hear the yup, it’s an ectopic, let’s go back to surgery.  Instead, I heard a heartbeat.  Surprised, I looked over my shoulder at the nurse and she said oh that’s not a heartbeat, that’s just your blood pumping and quickly turned the sound of the machine off.  She was lying.  I knew what she was doing, she was trying to save my sanity.  Shortly after, the doctor came in, told me it was unusual that an ectopic pregnancy would have a heartbeat but we needed to go into surgery to remove the tube right away.

“Wait.  Wait a second.  I need some time.  I want to keep my tube.  Wait…there’s a heartbeat?” – Me

“Sure. We have all the time here. No, we need to do this surgery now and you always have the option of invitro.” – Doctor 

So many thoughts were going through my head in that moment.  Can an embryo survive as an ectopic pregnancy?  I mean, I know it can’t because I’ve been told that, but can it really and they just don’t want to do it?  How does it have a heartbeat?  Wait, how am I even pregnant?  I want to celebrate and mourn all at the same time.  WHY AM I STILL SITTING HERE IN PAIN?  This is the second everything started to make sense.   I didn’t really know the extent, but I knew that little embroyo was gone and my tube had ruptured.  I had bled a little over a liter of blood into my abdomen. No, this was not indigestion, this was me fading fast.

I honestly don’t remember much else from that day or week or really that month for that matter.  I was mourning, pissed, annoyed, exhausted, basically all the negative adjectives I can think of, I was.  I was physically sick and weak. My entire stomach area was covered in bruising.  I questioned everything, I pushed Jason away, when all he wanted to do was support me.  I threw myself into whatever would keep me busy, and I “seemed” fine.  But…I was not.  I was broken.  And here I was at a point in my life (yet again) where I couldn’t understand why God was letting this happen to us.  Why was it necessary that I experience this. Hadn’t I gone through enough?  It’s GREAT that He thinks I’m strong enough to handle this, but news flash – I am not.  I was pretty mad for quite some time.  Eh, I may still be upset when I think about it from time to time.

What I didn’t know…. Our story wasn’t over.  It was just another step in this journey.

Ps. I’ll never forget that sweet heartbeat that I got to hear for a few seconds.  That was the little bit of miracle I needed to push through.

Moment 1 | Infertility Uncovered

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If you’ve read my post yesterday, you’ll know I’m going to share the 4 most memorable moments during our infertility journey. These specific moments I usually leave out of our story because they’re some of the darkest moments I would like shut out of my memory. However, they’re the memories I can’t seem to shut down. Let’s do this…

Moment #1:

During the first emergency surgery, I remember my doctor looking at me and asking if I was ok, and I yelled at him. I’m not kidding, I yelled at him with tears running down my face, “I’m done, just do the surgery, I don’t care anymore. I’m so damn tired of waiting for it to pass. JUST DO THE SURGERY. Get it out.” (There may have been a couple more cuss words in there… It wasn’t my finest moment).

Let me rewind and give you a little context about this statement. We found out we were pregnant (YAY!) Excitement overwhelmed us. Around 5 weeks, I started to have pain on my side. I was told, oh that’s normal, it happens when your uterus stretches and getting ready for your baby. Although that can be true, this wasn’t the case for me.

We found out that we were likely having an ectopic pregnancy and that baby wasn’t viable, but we needed to do some testing and wait and do some more in a couple of days and then we would see what was going on. We waited a couple of days, tested again, numbers didn’t confirm anything. So we waited 2 more days, tested again, numbers again didn’t confirm anything again. We tested again. FINALLY, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy. We were given two options, surgery or to have an injection and see if it helped pass it through the tube. I chose the shot to see if that helped things pass. It didn’t. I went back in and was told I could have another injection and if that didn’t work, I would need surgery. Again, nothing happened.

At this point my patience was running thin, my composure had gone out the window. To say I woke up in a poor mood is an understatement. I was frustrated and didn’t feel like going into work, so I called in sick. Who knew God was preparing me for what was to come. As I moped around the house, something hit me. I was no longer just in emotional pain, but I had physical pain down my leg and side. It wasn’t unbearable, but it did hurt. So I layed down in the guest bedroom and cried because I was over it all. I was done waiting. I was done keeping my composure.

We called the doctor and he asked me to come in right away. Jason took me to the hospital and at that time, we weren’t entirely sure what was going on or what was happening but we were ready for this to be done. As the doctor took me back and had me lay on the table, he tapped my foot with his fist and pain shot up my leg and side and that’s when I yelled at him.

“I’m done, just do the surgery, I don’t care anymore. I’m so damn tired of waiting for it to pass. JUST DO THE SURGERY. Get it out.”

I was so emotionally drained that I didn’t want to wait any longer, I was over this. I had taken as much as I could take and I was done. When the doctor went in for the surgery, the tube ended up erupting and tube numero uno was gone. Forever. And that little embryo that was not alive in the first place, but it too was gone. Forever.

lNote, I did later apologize to my doctor & the nurse for yelling & cussing at them. 😬

Why I didn’t understand the pain I was experiencing in that moment, I would later get it all. I questioned God and His purpose for me and purpose for the pain, but I didn’t hear the answer. This was Moment #1 to understanding the bigger picture to our infertility journey.

National Infertility Awareness Week |Infertility Uncovered

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Infertility Uncovered

Today marks the second day of National Infertility Awareness Week, and if you follow our blog, you know that we’ve been on this path of infertility for quite a few years.  I was so afraid to share our story a few years ago because it was personal.  And let’s be honest, I was ashamed I couldn’t do the one thing I was made to do.  I was frustrated (and still am) that I never get the opportunity to surprise my husband with a pregnancy announcement or throw a gender reveal party and feel comfortable that I won’t lose the sweet baby shortly after. My heart still aches from time to time when I see that baby announcement from someone else, but I also celebrate because I know just how precious that gift of life is.  If you follow my posts this week, you’ll read about the 4 moments that truly brought me to where we are now.  Where I can celebrate precious life others get to celebrate…. But first, here’s a recap of our journey.

A little over 9 years ago we decided to start our family and were told we should have no issues because everything “looked good.” Fast forward to today, here’s what two healthy individuals with no signs of any potential issues went through: 

  • 2 miscarriages
  • 1 empty sac pregnancy (where there is a sac and your body thinks your pregnant but you really aren’t)
  • 2 ectopic pregnancies, which resulted in 2 emergency surgeries.  1 of which was life threatening.
  • 2 lost tubes, meaning never being able to have a natural pregnancy again.
  • Months and months of hormones
  • 5 heaven babies that I think about every single day.  
  • 2 new doctors (THANK THE LORD FOR THEM)
  • Countless injections, daily meds, and hormones
  • 1 round of IVF
  • Large medical bills that insurance doesn’t pay for, because ya know, infertility is not acknowledged always. (You should be able to hear my eyeroll from where you’re sitting reading this)
  • During IVF – 15 embryos, 13 fertilized (yay), 2 survived by Day 5 but they were rated so poor they didn’t receive a grade, 1 embryo that took.
  • 1 sweet baby boy that I get to hold every night

When I think about our journey, I don’t remember all of these little details and events unless I really think about it.  When someone asks me about our journey, my mind tends to focus in on 4 certain moments, life changing moments.  Do you know what I remember most? Follow me this week and I’ll share them.  Some moments may seem like I will always be broken, but even in the darkest moments, God prevails, as He always does.

If you know someone going through infertility – feel free to share my information with them.  Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone that understands what they’re going through.  Everyone’s journey is different, mine is very mild compared to others.  I don’t share my story for myself (although it does help get through the tough times) but I share for others.  I’ve had women literally all over the world reach out to me to ask me questions or advice and I’m here for them. So never hesitate to give them my # or tell them to message me.  #infertilityuncovered 

 

“Maybe that someone else is looking for us.” | Adoption things

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Let’s talk adoption. It’s literally been on my mind every day for the past 4+ years. I’ve gone back and forth sharing this but I just keep going through things in my head and if you know me, it’s a complete mess up there so sometimes it’s best for me to write out my thoughts. So let’s do this…

Adoption has always been a constant tug at our hearts. For me, this leads back all the way to my highschool days when I decided adoption was going to be apart of my path. Thankfully, I met this awesome guy and one of our first date questions was… How do you feel about adoption? His response was he hadn’t thought about it but he definitely would. So to say adoption has been on our hearts for awhile is an understatement.

We’ve been through adoption process once with a lousy agency that we ended up having to drop and started over with a new one. This was beyond frustrating and exhausting. You feel like you’re trying to change the world one life at a time and the odds are against you every step of the way. Paperwork upon paperwork, FBI fingerprint cards (that can only be done on Tuesday mornings from 8-10 am at a location 20 min away and every time you schedule to go something comes up) more paperwork, some dinero you’ve been saving, more paperwork, physicals, drug tests, home studies, collecting references, making emergency plans, and more paperwork is what the process consists of basically, and alot of patience and prayers.

We decided it was best to move forward with another agency and start over. This agency we felt much more confident in, but of courss there was a little hesitation in trusting the process again. About a year go, we started wondering if we were going down the right path, we knew adoption was apart of our path but was this agency right for us? Maybe we were supposed to look into another? Maybe? What was God telling us? So we decided to take a break from the process and decided to just listen and see what He laid out for us. We explored different agencies and fell in love with a smaller one, but then hit a wall. We were actually turned down for the time being, because we had a child under the age of one. Besides this being completely baffling to me, this was God telling us to keep looking elsewhere. We listened some more. All we could hear was adoption? adoption? fostering? adoption? And after each one, we heard question marks, which left us a little confused, so we continued to take the time we needed to discern. We explored the world of fostering and we both feel that’s likely apart of our journey in the future but not just yet. Adoption just keeps powerfully being told to us. We always knew it was apart of the journey, but through who, why was this fantastic agency we’ve worked with not standing out to us?

I continue to feel a little one wants us. I feel it everyday, I literally have that gut feeling in this exact moment. Is there someone feeling something similar? Is there a young mom or dad looking for a family like us to let us adopt their child? Maybe? Maybe we adopt through this agency but maybe not. God knows and I just can’t seem to understand. God also knows I don’t always listen real well and sometimes I can be a bit stubborn, so He probably is telling me I just don’t seem to follow. We’ll keep listening though, patiently.

In the meantime, I will continue to share the journey God has given us. And maybe, just maybe you’re hearing a voice telling you to share our story with someone else. Maybe that someone else is looking for us. ❤️

Never give up that glimpse of hope.

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“Happy Implantation Day!” a sweet friend text me this week. I thought to myself, wait is that my implantation day in 2017, did I forget about it, was I blocking that day and it’s chaos? Her question encouraged me to look back on that day and remind myself what I was feeling. So I did. I didn’t read it all the way through because I had errands to run and it was sad and my emotions were coming back to me and I just couldn’t right then.

The day continues and our sick little guy ended up not sleeping basically from 1:30-4 this morning. He can’t sleep unless I’m holding him, I can’t sleep unless I’m not holding him. So there we are, me holding him and wishing I was just getting some sleep. I found myself a little irritated and finally I just said, “Hey God.. I am thankful for a crying baby. I am grateful for my lack of sleep because it means we have him. So thank you.”

I was the reminded about the implantation day text so early this morning, I went back through my blog and found 2 posts from 02/15/17. Implantation Day. Countless shots, medications, and lots of tears and we finally reached this day. It was nerve-wracking to say the least. I’ve posted the 2 blogs from that day below for you to read if interested but my emotions were all over the place and my summary is below:

02/15/17 – Before the Call

02/15/17 – After the Call

  • Nervous as all get out. We had 13 embryo.
  • Receive a call first thing on implantation day and all embryos are poor quality and they weren’t sure any of them would make it. My faith, patience, emotions were shattered.
  • Wait. Wait. Wait a few hours to see if we can even implant any.
  • Receive another call to come in and we will transfer the best 2 if we wanted to but basically don’t give your hopes up because they have such a poor rating they can’t rate them.
  • My faith still shattered, but I prayed.
  • Go in to the Dr. and we put in the best 2. It was so difficult to not cry but I sucked it up and held it in. Made it through the appointment and literally did nothing for the rest of the day. I was upset and defeated but I knew I needed to trust God.

It was a rollercoaster of emotions, my faith was shattered more than a couple of times, my frustration had overcome me more times than I can count, but on the other side we have one sweet, amazing, strong, a little crazy, cuddliest, orneriest toddler that you can imagine. So I will continue to love those sleepless nights and I will watch all the episodes of Curious George for the 18th time (literally what we are watching right now, I guess it’s better than Baby Shark -I even whispered Baby Shark in my head, just in case he has telepathy, in fear he will want to watch and dance to it again) 😂 🤞

Our chances of a successful pregnancy per history was a big fat 0. Maybe the Dr. chances were slightly higher but I knew in my heart that after losing 5 babies and ending up with losing both of my tubes, that our chances were next to nothing but God knew something I didn’t. He had a bigger plan. And I’m so thankful we didn’t give up hope and we trusted Him. To anyone going through infertility, I pray for you and I hope your faith isn’t shattered and I hope you never give up. Sending love to all of you today on our Implantation Day! ❤️

Written by Chasnie & Zayden 😊

Update on life

unravelingtheyarn5 Comments

Whew, life has been a whirlwind. Just a quick little update on just {life} in general. Two big things we have been working on and keeping to ourselves for the most part, but sharing because there is no such thing as too much prayer! 😊

1. Adoption – we are still moving forward and excited each and every day but also overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed with paperwork, waiting, paperwork, waiting, home study, waiting, classes, waiting, more paperwork and waiting…see the trend? 😊 We all know the wait is worth it but prayers as we continue to go down this road are appreciated! I strongly feel there is a child out there waiting for us to scoop them up but we know there is a plan and we just have to wait for it, do our part and wait a little longer til the time is right! Some dear friends of ours were matched with a child and we are so so excited that they will be taking home their little one likely in August! Ah! So it is continued prayers, patience, hope and listening to God and His plan that keeps us going through the wait!

2. We did a little thing. We decided to go back to our doctor in KC and just get ourselves checked to see if we wanted to do IVF again in the future, that we could. We received fantastic news that we are more than healthy enough to do it again (if we choose to in the future), and let me be clear…we may not but we didn’t like not knowing if that door was still open or not. So again, we’d appreciate prayers for patience and discernment as we figure out if this is something we should try again. We unfortunately have no frozen embryos so we have to start from scratch, meaning all the shots, all the meds, all the hot flashes and injecting hormones and emotions all over again. It isn’t a decision we will take lightly.

Anyways, we love for prayers to be rained over us as we continue to balance life with Z, adoption, and determine if IVF will be in our future or not. Thank you friends for following us on our journey, your support and love has overwhelmed us! ❤️

Infertility from Dad’s Point of View

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Chasnie has been asking me forever to write a blog post to add to this amazing project of hers and everytime she asks, I just tell her I plan to but I’m not sure what to write. In reality, I still have no idea what to write because at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I had to do much. Losing an unborn child is tough, losing multiple children is very tough, but it’s so much harder for the mom to go through. I didn’t know what it felt like to be carrying a child and for all of a sudden to just feel emptyness. I didn’t have to undergo multiple surgeries and have parts of my body removed. I didn’t have to deal with the pain of a ruptured tube and internal bleeding. All I did was be present, sit in the waiting room, pray for her safety, and simply keep family and friends up to date on the progress.

When it came to the actual process of IVF, here are just a handful of things I didn’t have to go through:

  • I didn’t have to take medication after medication or injection after injection.
  • I didn’t have to alter my lifestyle in an effort to increase the odds of getting pregnant.
  • I didn’t have to deal with mood swings, hot flashes and a changing body.
  • I didn’t have to undergo the actual act of childbirth!!
  • I didn’t need to, and 5+ months later, still do not have to deal with nursing, pumping, and planning my day around making sure Zayden can eat.

When he cries because he is hungry, it’s always her job to come to the rescue. All I can do is change diapers, get Chasnie what she needs, and try and make her difficult and tiresome job a little less strenuous. Even on my best of days I don’t even do the best job at this. Trust me, when Zayden gets hangry at 2am, it’s extremely easy to roll over and let her handle everything, but making myself wake up with her so I can change a dirty diaper and get her a glass of water while she gets ready to feed him, is the least I can do. And some nights even that is too difficult, so I can’t even imagine having to stay up for at least another hour. Of course, I have offered to stay up with him during a sleepless night, so she can (maybe) snag a couple of extra minutes to herself. But if I am being honest, Zayden at 4am is the most adorable thing you will ever see, so even then I’m getting the better end of the deal! I know in the long run our tasks will change and we’ll be able to share tasks more evenly. But at this point, I feel like my “job” as a dad is the easy end of the deal.

If you’re a guy getting ready to go through the IVF process, get ready to feel a little helpless and worthless. If you’re a dad that has been through the process, let’s take a moment to remember how much we didn’t have to endure in order to receive one of the greatest gifts of all time! As the days go by and life moves on, it’s easy to forget the struggle and sleepless nights. Even a mere 5 months after having Z, it’s easy to forget what it took to get where we are. And now I can’t imagine life any other way than having him here, with us.

And while I’m thinking about it: Chasnie, you are a rockstar. You have made sacrifices I will never comprehend, and for you they don’t even register as a sacrifice. You have always done whatever it is Zayden needs, without hesitation. You are a mother that all others should strive to be. God made you to be an amazing mom and that’s exactly what you have become. I will forever be grateful for what you have endured and your perseverance. I’m so proud to call you my wife and mother of my child. You are and always will be appreciated and loved!

-Jason, the spouse of the strongest woman ever

For more about our infertility journey or Chasnie’s Project take a few minutes for her video!