Tag: Motherhood

My heart hurts a little…

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Getting ready to leave the hotel to have great breakfast and start to the day and received that call from Restricted # and I knew it was my doctor.  The second it rang, the word, “Sh*t,” came out of my mouth, followed by a, “Please no.” 

The call was exactly what I thought it was, bad news.  Little embryos aren’t looking so hot at the moment.  They are monitoring them until 11 am and will see if they have progressed at all.  If they haven’t, then transfer will cancel.  If they have, we will do the transfer later today, because they want to give them all the fighting chance they can get.

I know this happens a lot, so I am trying to be optimistic but my heart is hurting and my hopes are low.  I want to ask God, “Why?” But I’m refraining and praying for the situation, the peace no matter the turn out and the understanding I need to not turn into a crazy person. 

For now, just will be doing my best not to question and like all pregnancies, I’ll just sit here….and wait and wait and wait (patiently and impatiently) til 11.

On a lighter note, my husband is trying to lighten the mood by sending me the below video,

“Trying to steam crabs in the hood”   

The nerves are real..

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The big day is here and so much for relaxing and getting plenty of sleep prior to it.  I am not sure I got more than 2-3 hours of sleep, because my brain is swirling with so many thoughts, worries, excitement, and well, let’s just a little overwhelmed to say the least.  My arms are quivering, I am continually fighting back nervous tears, and a little sick to my stomach, and not that I want to admit it but definitely scared; but I am doing my best to trust in God.  We spent soms time asking for God’s peace and comfort.  I thought I was coming into this pretty level-headed but that all went to hell about 3 am this morning when all I could do was toss and turn. 

Did I relax enough? What if my uterine lining went down?  Why did I not get a call about the embryos after Saturday?  Are they growing? Are there still 13 little ones? Are they healthy? Will I get a call this morning canceling the transfer? Is the walk from the parking garage to the hotel room too long and does not count as “relaxing?” Did I eat enough pineapple (ha, those doing this and researched tips know exactly what I am talking about)? What if it doesn’t work? God, how do I be thankful for this all if it doesn’t work? 

So yes, the nerves are very real. I am not so level-headed anymore, but I am doing my best to stay focused on giving my worries to Him.  HE’S GOT THIS.  Get it together, and trust Him.

I guess now I’ll go shower and eat some more pineapple in prep for today.  Prayers are welcome. 😘

Retrieval.

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I’ve spent most of the weekend doing nothing, per doctor’s orders.  They wanted to keep eye on my ovaries and be sure they did not get overstimulated. Egg retrieval was Friday and went very well (in my opinion).  We retrieved 15 eggs, and 13 of them fertilized normally so that is a very good outcome.  Fresh transfer is scheduled for this coming Wednesday as long as those embryos keep on growing healthily and I do not do too much and overstimulate my ovaries.  Prayers appreciated the next two days! 

I had big plans for egg retrieval day.  I had it set in my mind we would get a good night’s sleep and we would wake up rested, happy, and ready to go.  I had planned to take photos from my point of view all day long.  See, I’m a photographer and unfortunately, I have put it off to the side as I get through some internal struggles of mine.  However, today was the day I was going to overcome it because I needed to document this.  Well, plans went as they normally go…completely the opposite.  Instead my morning was filled with frustration, running late (not me), some raised voices, rushing rushing rushing and a lot of emotionally exhausted tears.  And I didn’t document any of it.  I was doing my best to make sure everything was in place, everything and everyone (ahem husband) would be on time and it would be a stress-less day, but God had a different plan (He’s funny like that). 

Instead, the morning was chaos just like our lives.  And I was reminded, oh so humbly, that I am not in control and all these small things were not the important part of the day. The important part of the day is retrieving eggs and praying those babies grow.  Thankfully, they retrieved 15 eggs, and 13 of them fertilized normally.  (Wow!). Our goal is to implant 2 embryos Wednesday morning!  Ahhhh!!!  The excitement is pretty overwhelming, and also a little nerve racking.

Taking it easy is the name of my game for next few days.  We will go back to KC tomorrow evening for night of relaxing before implantation Wednesday!  Then taking it easy for the rest of the week!  Goal is to lay low and enjoy it.  And do all the implantation tips I have been reading about, keeping my feet and my uterus warm at all times, eating pineapple (with the core), avocados, and relaxing. 😀. I mean, if I have to, I think I can do that!  Prayers are of course welcome, in the mean time…you can find me on the couch, pretty similar to this.

It will be well.

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This past week I received word from two of my friends on their current Invitro status.  One friend had received good news with a positive blood test (yay!!)  Continuing to pray this friend receives good news throughout her pregnancy and that their little one keeps on growing!

Another friend received heart wrenching news that they had lost their 18 week old twin baby girls.  Although, I have been through a similar situation a few times, I can’t imagine the pain and heart ache they are feeling right now, let alone try to relate to it.  Praying for those sweet little ones in heaven and for the parents, as they experience something I wish on no one.  It’s a pain that never goes away, but you eventually find comfort in knowing God is holding your little ones for you until you get to meet them.

I thought a lot about both mamas this week (and dads) and prayed so much over them and will continue to. I’ve also been reflecting on myself and our past story.  The little ones that didn’t make it have constantly been on my mind and scares the hell out of me for this next outcome. I’ve been trying to find peace by knowing He is in control and He knows what we can and cannot endure.  I just keep telling myself this over and over.

The other day in church, I was reminded again, we have no control over the situation, but we do the outcome.  We sang, “It is Well.” It  has always been a favorite song of mine, because the story behind the lyrics are so incredibly raw and powerful.  If you aren’t familiar with the old hymn, I highly recommend it.  Here’s a very brief synopsis of why the author was inspired to write these words.  The hymn was written by Horatio Spafford, after he experienced multiple tragic events in his life.  He endured losing his son, followed by the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 which destroyed his finances, and then the economic downturn caused him and his family to travel to Europe.  He had sent his family to travel ahead of him and tragically their ship sank in the Atlantic.  He had lost all four of his daughters that day.  His wife did survive and as he traveled the same path to meet with his surviving wife, he had passed over where where his daughters had died, and he was swept over with inspiration to write these words in this song, “It is Well.”  Powerful right?  I mean, when I think of the ones we’ve lost, I don’t always get inspired to write songs, sometimes I feel the need to cuss or overwhelmed with sadness.  However, he had chosen to write a song about it and it is very powerful.  Again, highly recommend looking into it if you are not familiar with it.

There are days I question what God’s plan is. I may even argue with God on what he thinks I can or cannot handle. I do my best to keep my optimism to a minimal.  I mean, I am bursting with excitement but at the same time, my heart hurts a little knowing this whole process can go either way.  And no matter how this IVF (Round 1) goes, “It is Well” or maybe I should say, it will be well.  He will be there with me, holding my hand the entire way.  It will be well.

Invitro is not for the faint of heart…

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I guess that should be pretty obvious.  If you’re doing invitro then you have likely exhausted your options, scrapping your pennies to pay for it, and you’re stressed out and tired.  BUT these are just reimnders to be thankful for!  We get the opportunity to take a step down a road that not everyone can do, whether emotionally, physically, or financially.  

Emotionally it is a toll on your relationships.  Yes, plural. On your relationship with your spouse.  You are irritated, uncomfortable, tired, and exhausted trying to make best and healthiest decisions together. You feel trapped or limited to certain things and certain items.  You aren’t allowed to exercise the irritations off and they build.  And if you have to do Invitro out of state, you drive…alot.  Currently we are averaging about 160/miles a day, maybe that isn’t a lot to some but seems it is emotionally exhausting to me.

Other relationships are put on hold or are not give attention they should.  I’ve been MIA in friend relationships because there just isn’t the time unless I live or work with you and even then, it is unlikely I see any of those wonderful people.  Work relationships, I mean…those are nonexistent at the moment.  A few here and there know what we are doing and why I am in and out of work so much, but at the moment, they view me as in, stressed, tired, and out. Family, jeex they probably take the brunt of it all…don’t they?  I’ve truly been blessed with amazing family, and I owe so much more attention to them!

Physically, let’s keep this one short because I have been talking about it a lot.  But…it feels like you have two foreign objects in your abdomen that are ballooning up to unreal size and your stomach may actually bust.  Hopefully, that doesn’t happen. 😁

Financially.  Of course, you know going into this Invitro process, that it will be a huge investment.  Prayers go up to any couples that do Invitro multiple times, especially consecutively.  You drain your bank account or take out a loan or (hopefully, not likely, but hopefully insurance will cover some). And the meds, oh boy those meds are expensive.  Amd don’t fool yourself, that you’ll just be paying for one time meds either…count on needing multiple refills. I made that assumption myself, and was quickly awaken. Then account for traveling, costs to pay to watch house or animals or children while you’re gone, costs of unexpected anything… Yet, ALL OF IT IS SO WORTH IT!

Again, I circle around to not knowing the outcome and we have no control over it, but it is worth it.  I think the biggest item holding me back from doing IVF originally is knowing it may not workout like we want.  We may not end up with 1-2 babies here on earth, we may have them join our 4 heaven babies or it may not be successful at all.  But your heart tells you to move forward, to try anyways, to TRUST IN GOD, and believe He has your best interest in mind.  

Like I said, Invitro us not for the faint of heart, but it is incredibly worth it and you can absolutely do it with the good Lord by your side.

Motherhood

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It’s a bit ironic to me that my blog theme is “Momhood or lack there of.”  When I originally titled it, I thought it was a little witty and a bit sarcastic, like my mood at the beginning of this blog.  I wasn’t personally wanting to do IVF (THANKFUL I AM) but at first, I wasn’t ready for IVF.  I wasn’t ready to give that last fallopian tube up and give up my “control” or what I thought I controlled.  I just wasn’t ready to let go of the surprise element of finding out you’re pregnant and planning a cute way of telling your husband that you’re expecting, and all the tears flow with excitement and fear.  LOL – seriously, laughing out loud at this perception I had on how motherhood all begins.

Motherhood starts much earlier than becoming pregnant, or telling your loved ones you’re expecting or even giving birth.  It’s not just about the baby keeping you awake at all ends of the night, or the kids fighting as you’re trying to run errands, work, make dinner, list goes on.  Motherhood starts when you decide to make a choice to have children.  Maybe you get pregnant right away, maybe you don’t get pregnant for awhile or at all, maybe you adopt or use a surrogate.  The second your heart has decided to share a life with a little human being, no matter if they’re the size of a pea or the size of a squash (all those weird shapes you hear people say) or adopting a child at 8 years old; that is the second you’ve entered the mom role.

That split second….is when your priorities, needs, and desires change.  I’ve reached this point about 6 years ago and not until this moment, do I realize I am a mom.  I mean, I know I’m a mom, I have 4 heaven babies, but I never felt like I could call myself this.  Whenever they ask all the moms to stand up in church on Mother’s Day, I never felt like I could stand up.  You don’t give your thoughts on anything “mom” related because you don’t feel like you have a position to do so.  And now as I sit here (not currently pregnant) in a coffee shop, avoiding caffeine and alcohol, eating only the best foods for a little one, injecting medication after medication into my body that makes me feel so crappy and so moody that sometimes it is unbearable, and saving every penny you possibly can because you want to give a little one a chance to have the best life possible, and FULLY knowing that you have no control over the outcome of this IVF.  There’s a huge chance none of this could work.  I know that, but being a mom is worth taking the chance…. taking the gamble and praying you understand whatever outcome you receive.  This is finally  when I realize I can actually be called a mom.

Tears….I really didn’t know where this blog was going when I started writing it.  It just started off as an epiphany and now I can’t sit in this coffee shop without fighting back tears because it’s taking me this long to get it through to myself, that I am a mom.  🙂

Medical things.

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This post may be a little more boring, well most of them are boring but more than normal.  This is more an informative post.  A sweet girl I’ve known for awhile has been through IVF a couple of times and she mentioned to me it was helpful to note your medical information, so you can go back and review it and compare whenever you want/need to.  THIS is a good idea and not something I’ve been really doing but would like to have a reference point.

Monday, we received the news that my levels were lower than they would like, so they doubled my medication.  This wasn’t that big of a deal because it happens pretty frequently.  We’re back here today (Friday) and had levels done and they look good but they are keeping me at the upped medication levels.  I currently have 10 follicles on one side and 11 on the other.  This is good news, and praying we continue to have those little guys keep on growing and prepping for next week retrieval.  Egg retrieval was tentatively  scheduled to be on Wednesday-ish, but they have pushed back my Monday check to Tuesday, so I think it is safe to assume egg retrieval and transfer will be pushed a day or two.  This is too be determined.  We will keep trekking on, keep pumping that system full of injections, and taking it easy (which is easier said than done).  🙂

Phase II

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We have started Phase II, as I like to call it, the stimulation phase.  As if your ovaries aren’t being stimulated enough, you pump a few more meds into your body to help your follicles grow to a certain point and get your hormones at a certain level.  Our doctor is just trying to create the most ideal environment for any little ones that decide to make the transfer.  Yesterday, I wasn’t at the level they would like me to be at, so they basically doubled my follistim & menopur.  This is pretty normal, from what I hear.  They do checks on your follicles and hormones and increase or decrease your meds based on what they see in the test results.  Even knowing that this is normal process, it isn’t exactly the news I would like to hear, but again, praying about it not worrying about it.

A few side effects from the medication so far are bloating for sure, soreness in your stomach from ovary stimulation but also from shots.  The shots do not hurt or anything, but they do have a tendency to leave a prick mark or bruise because you’re continuously giving yourself shots over and over.  The ovary stimulation is a little achey, for me specifically, it’s on my left side that is very achey, especially when I’m sitting down for too long.  Granted, it doesn’t exactly help that you are sitting down and driving to and from doctor appointments a couple of times a week, and my doctor is 3.5 hours away.  I tried to explain the feeling to J the other day because it’s not something that feels right, it just feels off.  It doesn’t hurt terribly bad all the time, but has it’s moments.  Overall, it just feels like you have something in your body that is too big to be there, so there’s pressure, aches, pain, and the inability to get comfortable.  Also, increased sweating (mainly at night) whew!  I woke up the first night after starting the meds and my shirt was soaked and that’s gross.  I’m sorry for people that have to deal with night sweating, I’ve never had this issue and I had no idea what was going on when I woke up and my shirt was completely wet.  I thought maybe I fell asleep with a water bottle and spilled it all over myself (that happens more often than I’d like to admit).  Or maybe one of the dogs excessively slobbered on me, trying to wake me up (also something that happens more than I’d like to admit), but ends up it is just night sweats (tons of fun).

Oh, and the side effect of …. shortness lol, that’s still running high.  Thanks to the hubs for putting up with that so far.  It has to be exhausting for him.

Considering the potential outcome, none of this is anything to complain about.  Even if the outcome doesn’t turn out the way you would like it to, I’ll gain something from this experience.  I don’t know exactly what at this point, but there is something I’ll gain from it.  🙂  I trust God knows best and will show me if I’m missing it!

Losing Track

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I’ve been quiet for a few days, just processing some things.  Processing test results, results that aren’t the best, but good enough to keep moving forward with IVF; processing my emotions, wow… this all is an emotional roller coaster; processing the anxiety and overwhelming feeling I have for upcoming changes.  Just a few things to take in, and all of it can cause you to lose track of….well, everything.

While receiving results that are basically subpar (my words, not the doctors words), I hit a wall of frustration, anxiety, fear all at one time.  Add what all this medication does to your hormones, and take those items times about 8.  So all the feelings on steroids.  Ha.  It’s not exactly controllable and sometimes not manageable.  And then add the spouse being out of town for a week and all the things he normally handles breaking.  I mean, not all the things, it was just a door handle, fence, washer, and some things with the car.

Needless to say, I was feeling a little overwhelmed.  Luckily, the good Lord knows exactly what I need when I need it.  He sent my sweet friend and neighbor over to just catch up.  I rambled on and on about everything under the sun, and I probably complained a little too much over items that are so minuscule in the big scheme of things. She listened patiently, asked questions, and she listened some more.  And then the catching up turned into something much more.  She asked to pray over me.  I really can’t even finish typing this without tears filling my eyes.  Because in the midst of chaos, stress, fear, and anxiety the one thing I haven’t done like I should have been, was praying.  Thankfully, she knew what was needed and she didn’t hesitate to pray over me.  Thank you sweet girl.

I guess that leads me to my thought for the day….whatever it is you’re worrying about, fearing, stressing over…remember to pray.  We have no control over what direction this IVF or adoption process will go, but He knows what will happen, He does have control, and He will provide.

“Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything.”  Philippians 4:6

 

If only it was all sunshine and puppies..

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If you see me out and I look a bit tired, that’s probably pretty accurate.  If my eyes are blood shot and it looks like I’m on drugs, your perception is correct.  If I am looking a little frazzled lately…well, I am.  

I mean, I met my husband for dinner before we head out of town for our next IVF appointment  bright and early at 7:30 am, and I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wowzers, I instantly classified myself as all of these things.  And then I got in the car and cried about a finger painting of a wet dog, if that explains my emotional state in the least bit. Ha.. 

The exhaustion is real…Not that it is realistic for really anyone to get 7-8 hours of sleep, but it is generally pretty difficult for me to hit 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  A couple of side effects from the meds are fatigue and insomnia.  Check and check.  On top of this, add 12 hours of driving to appointments within 4 days, sleeping in different environments, and sharing a bed with your mom and then 2 nights of sharing a bed with your nephews (big mistake)..all affect your sleep of course.  So, if I look a little tired…give me a break. 😴

If I appear to be drugged up, well maybe I am.  And yes, I am just talking about meds prescribed to me.  Give me that levothyroxine, lupron, birth control, gonal-f, mepro-something, etc.  These are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head.  Of course, they are just hormones or meds to assist in making the perfect environment to cute little fertilized eggs.  Clearly, it is necessary but it will sure mess with your emotions, how your body feels and looks physically, and how you react to basic things. Like a finger painting of a wet dog may just make you cry.. I still don’t know why I cried…was the dog just so happy I couldn’t handle it?  Was the picture so beautiful that I was overwhelmed? Or was it just because I am a dog obsessor and I just needed it. Ha…we will never know.

If I appear to be a little frazzled, well if the above didn’t explain my frazzlement enough… Add your normal daily stressors to it.  You’re emotions are high, your activities are limited, you are pumping your body with hormones on a daily basis all while trying to be level headed and appear “as normal as possible.”  So I don’t have to explain why I have a short temper, why I may laugh uncontrollably in the middle of a work day to avoid busting into tears (ya, that works for me a lot…occasionally it will backfire to full blown tears, so ha you never know).

Of course, none of these are complaints, just pure explanations of why I may look the way I do.  Although I appreciate your comments like, “You look tired,” just feel free to just keep that to yourself, because trust me, I know.  I am just a little busy making sure I make it through the day with all the things circling through this drugged up, emotionally unstable head of Mine exploding all over you.

 Instead of your comment, you can feel free to say a little prayer for J’s sanity for putting up with me, show me a puppy video, & give me a high five.  Those are all incredibly helpful! 😀 

Added to edit: Of course, my husband didn’t even seem to notice my frazzled-ness.  He makes me feel beautiful, no matter how I look or act.  God definitely knew what He was doing when He brought him into my life.