Tag: NIAW

One more day

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I titled this post one more day, but then I laughed to myself because I’d like to say one more day til we know if IVF is successful but it’s not just one more day. It’s one more day to see if there are any embryos that made it then 8 more days to see if it was successful, then 2 more days to see if it is still successful and then 2 more days to see if it’s still still successful. And then it’s the rest of the pregnancy waiting on pins and needles to see if little one(s) is developing as he or she should or if something is wrong, etc etc. One more day is just the beginning of it.

Tomorrow is transfer day. I say that cautiously optimistic because we haven’t had an update on the embryos since the day after retrieval which actually has been quite a relief. Last time we got an update day after retrieval and on day 3 and day 5 (day of transfer). Last time around we started off with 18 egg, 13 fertilized, and ended up with 2 “poor” embryos but we got our sweet Z man from those and that is more than I could have wished for. This time around we got 19 eggs, 13 fertilized and we will see what tomorrow brings. I’m a bit overcome with emotions as I think about tomorrow morning. I recall last time the dreaded call we recieved, letting us know there were only 2 that made it and they were “poor” and needed to know if we wanted to proceed. Ehhhhh. Not the call you’re wanting to get the morning of transfer but I rudely said, “I mean, ya….were already this far, what’s it going to hurt.” And a moment we dreamed would be filled with excitement was torn into pieces and we began our IVF journey with low expectations. Boy was I beyond wrong. Zayden proves that to me every single day. ❤️

But tomorrow, I try not to think of it but I’m dreading that morning call and nervous what they may say, but I pray I take whatever news with grace. I have to admit, I’m a little sad that I’ve been a bit distracted this IVF journey. I’ve been a little distracted on all aspects from my faith to being consumed by every aspect of it. I’m not real sure why but I feel a little guilty but maybe it’s me letting go of the control because I know I have no control. I never did, but sometimes it’s easy to think that you do, like if I eat this or that, drink more water, do all the IVF tips, take my meds or shots exactly at the right time every day but that’s not how it works. It’s not in my control, or Jason’s and although all those things may improve chances, it really is out of our control. So whatever happens tomorrow, no matter what they say on the call, I know there is a bigger plan!

❤️ Thanks for the love and prayers friends! Also, continue to pray for my sweet friends B & C, they have big moments coming up and could use prayers!

Moment 4 | Understanding Our Infertility

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The most recent moment to our infertility journey you may think end with having Zayden. But infertility is not something that just disappears after having children, it sticks around, haunts you some days, traumatizes you some and tucked in your heart forever.

Throughout my pregnancy, I was a bit of a hot mess. I was surprisingly calm through most of it but I worried every single day what was going to go wrong, when I would lose Zayden, if I was going to die during delivery. Literally I thought about every possible bad scenario and would replay it in my head. I did everything I could think of to not think like that but it was inevitable.

When you walk through life with infertility, it sticks around, haunts you, traumatizes you forever. Granted, I thank God every day for that sweet baby that He gave us but I worry. Will he fall and hit his head, will we get in a car crash, will a pop fly hit him one day when he’s old enough to play baseball? I’m sure my parents used to think the same thing about me, and guess what – the answer is ya, probably. We can’t control what they do or what happens to them. But we can be thankful for every moment we get to share with him.

When I started this 4 piece blog about understanding our infertility journey. I initially thought Moment 4 was this big epiphany I had after having Zayden, but the more I thought about it, I don’t think I’ve had my moment 4. I don’t fully understand why God chose us to go through this journey…

Maybe He wanted us to not take any second for granted.

Maybe He wanted us to be a rock for someone else going through a struggle?

Maybe our struggle was preventing us from more heartache, someway somehow.

Maybe He needed us to be a voice to someone else going through infertility.

I can’t really speculate because our journey is ever-continuing and will be something we struggle and question every day. So we will enjoy every moment He has given us, the sad, the bittersweet and chaotic moments and continue strong down our journey. ❤️

Moment 3 | Infertility Uncovered

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“Chasnie, none of your embryos are going to make it.”

We got around this morning and the hotel room was pure silence. We were both anxious and cautiously excited about that day. Today was the day for transfer. Last we heard 4 days ago we had 13 healthy embryos! 13!!!! Then we got the call. See they told us at our last appointment they wouldn’t call unless they had bad news. Instantly my anxious, excited mood changed and I started to break before the call came through.

(Paraphrasing bc I don’t remember the exact words due to my mind set) “Chasnie, none of your embryos are going to make it.” WHY was this happening to us again? I get it, it doesn’t happen the first time for most people but I had 13 embryos, I knew it was going to work. She continued, “There are a few that are currently here, but they are rating so poor that we can’t rate them but you can put them in if they survive. Do you want to move forward?”

So many thoughts racing through my head, but I didn’t hesitate to say, “Uh ya… I mean, we’ve gotten this far, if they’re still alive when we get there, we are doing this.”

I text my family and a handful of close friends and just asked for prayers. Prayers for strength for those sweet babies and prayers for peace for us. We needed them, we needed the prayers. We felt alone. We were in an empty hotel (construction was going on and literally we didn’t see anyone besides the front desk when we were there). And we felt like He had been given up on us. Once again, we felt like God was telling us, your time isn’t now. But how could this be? Hasn’t it been long enough? Haven’t we lost enough? Haven’t we fought enough? What we’re we doing wrong? We literally followed every instruction to a T. We made sure I rested and didn’t get stressed out. I gave up working out like I was instructed when that’s all I wanted to do. I gave up fun events and get togethers bc the timing didn’t mesh with injections or I was tired. This may all seem like measly things we gave up (and they are) but we started to feel like ALL of this and ALL the hormones were for no reason.

So we prayed alot, cried some and got our minds right. Then we went into the doctor a couple of hours later and transferred 2 embryos. The doctor told me she wasn’t going to talk to me about the ones that didn’t survive nor would we talk about how poor these 2 were, because stressing about it that day was not what we needed. Grateful for this, we agreed.

We transferred those two poor little embryo that day and God (yet again) showed us just how powerful He is. Below is a reminder.

I could sit here and tell you how I mourned that 2nd embryo and how I still mourn not having my two tubes to have just a surprise pregnancy, but the truth is we received a miracle. Not all stories end on a positive note like ours did. IVF doesn’t work for so many families and it’s important to remember it never happens like we plan or think or pray for. There’s a bigger plan that we may not see now or even in 10 years but there is a plan. Be thankful for what yo have been given, but also don’t give up faith while waiting to see what He has in store for you! ❤️ My heart goes out to all the families struggling and will pray for you all!

Moment 2 | Infertility Uncovered

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This week is National Infertility Awareness Week!  If you’ve been following along the past couple of days, I’ve been sharing 4 moments in our infertility journey that have opened my eyes to the bigger picture.  These moments are a little more personal than I care to share, but I think it’s important in sharing our story, not just to mend ourselves, but to help others on their journey.  I know sharing their stories isn’t for everyone, but I feel like God placed certain situations and certain people in our lives to help us grow and to help others grow.  So…I’m sharing, no matter how difficult the stories can be at times, I just remind myself, there’s a bigger reason for our infertility journey.  I’ve come to understand it more over the past 9 years, and leads me to Moment #2.

Moment #2:

I heard a heartbeat.  Surprised, I looked over my shoulder at the nurse and she said oh, that’s not a heartbeat, that’s just your blood pumping and she quickly turned the sound of the machine off.  She was lying to save my sanity.  

Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Where do I even start here?

This day was one of the scariest days of my life, literally.  Probably for Jason as well and we’ve both done some crazy scary things in the past but this day took the cake.  I woke up about 4:15 and was headed to hot yoga. I felt fine and ready to start the day, sat in my car and I felt a little sick to my stomach.  I thought to myself – you’re fine, just indigestion or something – keep moving along.  I made it about 3 miles down the interstate before I turned around and came back home.  I layed on the couch from 4:30-8:00 waiting for this “indigestion” to go away.  I debated going to the doctor but figure nah, you’re fine.  Looking back now, I was just being stubborn and a little stupid.  I was in the most pain I’d ever felt as I layed there curled up in a ball on the couch, this was not a stomach bug. Jason finally asked me what my gut was telling me, do I need to take you to the ER.  Yes. That was it, yes my gut (or the pain in my gut) was telling me something was wrong.  I needed help.

The ER was a typical ER & always so many people.  We waited for over an hour and finally they took us back.  In the same breath we found out I was pregnant, we found out it may be an ectopic pregnancy (again).  I’ve done research on this, the chances of someone having 2 ectopic pregnancies in 2 different tubes is pretty rare, but I  honestly wasn’t surprised.  We knew what was coming next.  I thought they’d take me back to surgery right away and the tube would erupt and we’d be no longer able to have kiddos the way we wanted to. However, they took me back to do some bloodwork and an ultrasound to confirm it was an ectopic.  I was sitting there waiting to hear the yup, it’s an ectopic, let’s go back to surgery.  Instead, I heard a heartbeat.  Surprised, I looked over my shoulder at the nurse and she said oh that’s not a heartbeat, that’s just your blood pumping and quickly turned the sound of the machine off.  She was lying.  I knew what she was doing, she was trying to save my sanity.  Shortly after, the doctor came in, told me it was unusual that an ectopic pregnancy would have a heartbeat but we needed to go into surgery to remove the tube right away.

“Wait.  Wait a second.  I need some time.  I want to keep my tube.  Wait…there’s a heartbeat?” – Me

“Sure. We have all the time here. No, we need to do this surgery now and you always have the option of invitro.” – Doctor 

So many thoughts were going through my head in that moment.  Can an embryo survive as an ectopic pregnancy?  I mean, I know it can’t because I’ve been told that, but can it really and they just don’t want to do it?  How does it have a heartbeat?  Wait, how am I even pregnant?  I want to celebrate and mourn all at the same time.  WHY AM I STILL SITTING HERE IN PAIN?  This is the second everything started to make sense.   I didn’t really know the extent, but I knew that little embroyo was gone and my tube had ruptured.  I had bled a little over a liter of blood into my abdomen. No, this was not indigestion, this was me fading fast.

I honestly don’t remember much else from that day or week or really that month for that matter.  I was mourning, pissed, annoyed, exhausted, basically all the negative adjectives I can think of, I was.  I was physically sick and weak. My entire stomach area was covered in bruising.  I questioned everything, I pushed Jason away, when all he wanted to do was support me.  I threw myself into whatever would keep me busy, and I “seemed” fine.  But…I was not.  I was broken.  And here I was at a point in my life (yet again) where I couldn’t understand why God was letting this happen to us.  Why was it necessary that I experience this. Hadn’t I gone through enough?  It’s GREAT that He thinks I’m strong enough to handle this, but news flash – I am not.  I was pretty mad for quite some time.  Eh, I may still be upset when I think about it from time to time.

What I didn’t know…. Our story wasn’t over.  It was just another step in this journey.

Ps. I’ll never forget that sweet heartbeat that I got to hear for a few seconds.  That was the little bit of miracle I needed to push through.

Moment 1 | Infertility Uncovered

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If you’ve read my post yesterday, you’ll know I’m going to share the 4 most memorable moments during our infertility journey. These specific moments I usually leave out of our story because they’re some of the darkest moments I would like shut out of my memory. However, they’re the memories I can’t seem to shut down. Let’s do this…

Moment #1:

During the first emergency surgery, I remember my doctor looking at me and asking if I was ok, and I yelled at him. I’m not kidding, I yelled at him with tears running down my face, “I’m done, just do the surgery, I don’t care anymore. I’m so damn tired of waiting for it to pass. JUST DO THE SURGERY. Get it out.” (There may have been a couple more cuss words in there… It wasn’t my finest moment).

Let me rewind and give you a little context about this statement. We found out we were pregnant (YAY!) Excitement overwhelmed us. Around 5 weeks, I started to have pain on my side. I was told, oh that’s normal, it happens when your uterus stretches and getting ready for your baby. Although that can be true, this wasn’t the case for me.

We found out that we were likely having an ectopic pregnancy and that baby wasn’t viable, but we needed to do some testing and wait and do some more in a couple of days and then we would see what was going on. We waited a couple of days, tested again, numbers didn’t confirm anything. So we waited 2 more days, tested again, numbers again didn’t confirm anything again. We tested again. FINALLY, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy. We were given two options, surgery or to have an injection and see if it helped pass it through the tube. I chose the shot to see if that helped things pass. It didn’t. I went back in and was told I could have another injection and if that didn’t work, I would need surgery. Again, nothing happened.

At this point my patience was running thin, my composure had gone out the window. To say I woke up in a poor mood is an understatement. I was frustrated and didn’t feel like going into work, so I called in sick. Who knew God was preparing me for what was to come. As I moped around the house, something hit me. I was no longer just in emotional pain, but I had physical pain down my leg and side. It wasn’t unbearable, but it did hurt. So I layed down in the guest bedroom and cried because I was over it all. I was done waiting. I was done keeping my composure.

We called the doctor and he asked me to come in right away. Jason took me to the hospital and at that time, we weren’t entirely sure what was going on or what was happening but we were ready for this to be done. As the doctor took me back and had me lay on the table, he tapped my foot with his fist and pain shot up my leg and side and that’s when I yelled at him.

“I’m done, just do the surgery, I don’t care anymore. I’m so damn tired of waiting for it to pass. JUST DO THE SURGERY. Get it out.”

I was so emotionally drained that I didn’t want to wait any longer, I was over this. I had taken as much as I could take and I was done. When the doctor went in for the surgery, the tube ended up erupting and tube numero uno was gone. Forever. And that little embryo that was not alive in the first place, but it too was gone. Forever.

lNote, I did later apologize to my doctor & the nurse for yelling & cussing at them. 😬

Why I didn’t understand the pain I was experiencing in that moment, I would later get it all. I questioned God and His purpose for me and purpose for the pain, but I didn’t hear the answer. This was Moment #1 to understanding the bigger picture to our infertility journey.

National Infertility Awareness Week |Infertility Uncovered

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Infertility Uncovered

Today marks the second day of National Infertility Awareness Week, and if you follow our blog, you know that we’ve been on this path of infertility for quite a few years.  I was so afraid to share our story a few years ago because it was personal.  And let’s be honest, I was ashamed I couldn’t do the one thing I was made to do.  I was frustrated (and still am) that I never get the opportunity to surprise my husband with a pregnancy announcement or throw a gender reveal party and feel comfortable that I won’t lose the sweet baby shortly after. My heart still aches from time to time when I see that baby announcement from someone else, but I also celebrate because I know just how precious that gift of life is.  If you follow my posts this week, you’ll read about the 4 moments that truly brought me to where we are now.  Where I can celebrate precious life others get to celebrate…. But first, here’s a recap of our journey.

A little over 9 years ago we decided to start our family and were told we should have no issues because everything “looked good.” Fast forward to today, here’s what two healthy individuals with no signs of any potential issues went through: 

  • 2 miscarriages
  • 1 empty sac pregnancy (where there is a sac and your body thinks your pregnant but you really aren’t)
  • 2 ectopic pregnancies, which resulted in 2 emergency surgeries.  1 of which was life threatening.
  • 2 lost tubes, meaning never being able to have a natural pregnancy again.
  • Months and months of hormones
  • 5 heaven babies that I think about every single day.  
  • 2 new doctors (THANK THE LORD FOR THEM)
  • Countless injections, daily meds, and hormones
  • 1 round of IVF
  • Large medical bills that insurance doesn’t pay for, because ya know, infertility is not acknowledged always. (You should be able to hear my eyeroll from where you’re sitting reading this)
  • During IVF – 15 embryos, 13 fertilized (yay), 2 survived by Day 5 but they were rated so poor they didn’t receive a grade, 1 embryo that took.
  • 1 sweet baby boy that I get to hold every night

When I think about our journey, I don’t remember all of these little details and events unless I really think about it.  When someone asks me about our journey, my mind tends to focus in on 4 certain moments, life changing moments.  Do you know what I remember most? Follow me this week and I’ll share them.  Some moments may seem like I will always be broken, but even in the darkest moments, God prevails, as He always does.

If you know someone going through infertility – feel free to share my information with them.  Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone that understands what they’re going through.  Everyone’s journey is different, mine is very mild compared to others.  I don’t share my story for myself (although it does help get through the tough times) but I share for others.  I’ve had women literally all over the world reach out to me to ask me questions or advice and I’m here for them. So never hesitate to give them my # or tell them to message me.  #infertilityuncovered 

 

1 Year Old | Zayden Gray | My Superman

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Over a year ago, we sat in a hospital room talking to our doctor about how we only had 2 embryos that have survived and they were so poor they couldn’t even rate them. They asked us if we wanted to proceed forward and try anyways… With no real hope, we prayed over those 2 embryos every day and today we have a healthy 1-year old. Cue the tears 😭.

What a superhero, little miracle, blessing from God you are Zayden Gray. We have spent 365 days with you in our arms or chasing you around. You have kept us on our toes each and every day as we figure out this whole parenting thing!

We have gone through so many firsts with you, firsts that I normally wouldn’t think twice about but we have cherished every single one. I can’t wait to see how the rest of our future goes together! ♥️

A few things you’ve learned this month:

Learned how to climb a ladder

Being more affectionate, especially with the puppies. They love Z’s hugs & kisses

Say a few new random words (backpack, phone, baseball)

Going up & down stairs 😬 which happens to be your new fave game.

Causing destruction

More teeth – molars this time!

Being a little daredevil 😬😬

Using utensils

And the best part …starting to look like your mama! ♥️

Your first year in pictures:

Infertility from Dad’s Point of View

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Chasnie has been asking me forever to write a blog post to add to this amazing project of hers and everytime she asks, I just tell her I plan to but I’m not sure what to write. In reality, I still have no idea what to write because at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I had to do much. Losing an unborn child is tough, losing multiple children is very tough, but it’s so much harder for the mom to go through. I didn’t know what it felt like to be carrying a child and for all of a sudden to just feel emptyness. I didn’t have to undergo multiple surgeries and have parts of my body removed. I didn’t have to deal with the pain of a ruptured tube and internal bleeding. All I did was be present, sit in the waiting room, pray for her safety, and simply keep family and friends up to date on the progress.

When it came to the actual process of IVF, here are just a handful of things I didn’t have to go through:

  • I didn’t have to take medication after medication or injection after injection.
  • I didn’t have to alter my lifestyle in an effort to increase the odds of getting pregnant.
  • I didn’t have to deal with mood swings, hot flashes and a changing body.
  • I didn’t have to undergo the actual act of childbirth!!
  • I didn’t need to, and 5+ months later, still do not have to deal with nursing, pumping, and planning my day around making sure Zayden can eat.

When he cries because he is hungry, it’s always her job to come to the rescue. All I can do is change diapers, get Chasnie what she needs, and try and make her difficult and tiresome job a little less strenuous. Even on my best of days I don’t even do the best job at this. Trust me, when Zayden gets hangry at 2am, it’s extremely easy to roll over and let her handle everything, but making myself wake up with her so I can change a dirty diaper and get her a glass of water while she gets ready to feed him, is the least I can do. And some nights even that is too difficult, so I can’t even imagine having to stay up for at least another hour. Of course, I have offered to stay up with him during a sleepless night, so she can (maybe) snag a couple of extra minutes to herself. But if I am being honest, Zayden at 4am is the most adorable thing you will ever see, so even then I’m getting the better end of the deal! I know in the long run our tasks will change and we’ll be able to share tasks more evenly. But at this point, I feel like my “job” as a dad is the easy end of the deal.

If you’re a guy getting ready to go through the IVF process, get ready to feel a little helpless and worthless. If you’re a dad that has been through the process, let’s take a moment to remember how much we didn’t have to endure in order to receive one of the greatest gifts of all time! As the days go by and life moves on, it’s easy to forget the struggle and sleepless nights. Even a mere 5 months after having Z, it’s easy to forget what it took to get where we are. And now I can’t imagine life any other way than having him here, with us.

And while I’m thinking about it: Chasnie, you are a rockstar. You have made sacrifices I will never comprehend, and for you they don’t even register as a sacrifice. You have always done whatever it is Zayden needs, without hesitation. You are a mother that all others should strive to be. God made you to be an amazing mom and that’s exactly what you have become. I will forever be grateful for what you have endured and your perseverance. I’m so proud to call you my wife and mother of my child. You are and always will be appreciated and loved!

-Jason, the spouse of the strongest woman ever

For more about our infertility journey or Chasnie’s Project take a few minutes for her video!