Tag: Pregnancy Loss

If I am being honest..

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I was pretty confident until Tuesday evening that I was pregnant. I’ve been pregnant multiple times before. I know what it feels like, I know it is so difficult for me to keep my eyes open, I know how my stomach bloats and how I actually look differently. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I just know.  Except for last night…I wasn’t as tired anymore, I didn’t feel or look like I have in the past and I feel pretty normal, with a side ache and a little spotting.

It makes me sad, cringe, wonder, worry.  I am struggling to be upbeat and happy.  I am praying these sweet little ones get to see mama and let me love them, provide for them, and introduce them to the most awesome dad on earth.  I just don’t feel like that is going to happen.  Hoping and praying I’m wrong and doing my best to find understanding if I am correct.

Honestly, this waiting game kind of sucks and I know tomorrow will be more difficult.

Learning experience

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I had a little spotting today.  I know that can be common, I also know that it can mean things aren’t working out (to my hopes).  Maybe this is a learning experience.  Maybe God is telling me I’m much stronger than I think and He’s teaching me something bigger.  So I’ve decided to make a list of things I have learned throughout this process.

  • I can take a shot like a champ. Seriously though.
  • My patience is very thin.  I mean, I’ve known this my entire life, but I realized it is time to stop making excuses for it, and time to actually do something about it.
  • Some people just won’t show up. This is kind of sad, but I get it.  There are so many people there for us, but a few that I was sure would be there are just a little MIA. I read an article this morning about this exact subject and it made me realize that it is pretty common.  Maybe we’re all just pretty selfish in this world and we expect too much out of others.  Which leads me to my next one…
  • I’m a little selfish and I expect too much!  My husband is #1 person to experience this (pray for him).  I really didn’t think I was, but I am.  I feel like I’m doing all these shots and taking all these meds and I should get a little extra credit or something.  Apparently, it doesn’t work like that.
  • When you want something so badly, you can will your body into thinking it has it, when it definitely may not.
  • My hubs is patient, not all the time but 95% of the time and he’s pretty freaking awesome all together!
  • No one’s IVF experience will ever be the same.  Everyone has different meds, different schedules, and no two experiences are similar. We are all created so uniquely, that everyone that goes through IVF is completely different than the next person’s.  Mind blowing.
  • True laughter is necessary. Every. Single. Day.  Not the fake laugh or smirk here and there, true, genuine laughter.
  • It’s a little difficult to be home at 8:00 on the dot for medications.  Your entire schedule changes and you have to shift your priorities to your medication.  Do you have enough time to eat out and make it back in time?  Can I run this errand before then? It’s an very interesting thing to always account for.  Maybe it’s prepping you for baby waking up at the most inopportune time.
  • Taking pictures of each moment and feeling (happy, upset, crying) is really eye opening for me.  One time I was lying on a floor, bawling, in a hotel room and Jason tried to comfort me and I said no…take a picture.  I need to remember this.
  • Being understanding is vital. You don’t have to do everything for someone, but to understand what someone is going through (the nerves, the emotions, the physical toll it takes) and how all of that affects them.  Affects their personality, their thoughts and how they react to simple things.  You and/or your loved ones will experience this.
  • You don’t want to do all the social activities. Man, I love to be out and about!  I don’t like to miss out on things… but I don’t care anymore. I want to lay down, rest, take it easy, and pray.
  • You share your story, and hundreds of others will share with you.  This is so powerful.  I’m blown away by the real relationships I’ve made by simply sharing our story. One friend, whom used to be a wedding client, that I really only talked to if I saw her / her family or through social media.  And now, we text each other almost every day and I truly care about her and her family. Not necessarily something I expected to happen.
  • My emotions are ALL over the place, all the time. I’ve teared up about 7 times as I’m typing this article lol.
  • You will never go to the bathroom and not wonder, “Will there be blood?” That is such a huge fear.  Yet, every time I sit down, this comes to my mind. Unfortunately, this morning there was a little.
  • Prayer is much more comforting than I’ve experienced in the past.  Maybe my prayers in the past have been selfish prayers, but it has developed into a much different experience.  It’s more about having a relationship with your Maker. I’m far from where I’d like to be, but praying that continues to develop.
  • Speaking of prayer, it doesn’t always have to be love-love prayer.  You can be mad at God, you can question Him, but you have to let it go and TRUST Him.  Again, it’s about that relationship.
  • Packing to travel is much more complicated.  Pack enough needles, and back ups, meds, and other small items you normally don’t have to worry about.
  • We are absolutely, 110% not in control.  
  • His way is the best way.  I may not understand it.  I may question it and I likely will argue with it, but His way truly is the best way.

I guess that sums it up for now, I’ll likely come back and edit this and add things as they come to mind.  Just a few things to consider if you and/or your loved one is going through IVF. I’ll continue praying this is more than just a learning experience, but for now I do not know and it is out of my control, and praying is what I can do.

I don’t know…

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That’s been my answer several times today when family and friends ask me how I’m doing.  “I don’t know,” seems to be the only response that I can seem to spit out.  The emotions, the feelings, the wondering and waiting have really muddied my level-headed thoughts and I just don’t know how I feel.

I’ve been achy or crampy since the transfer basically.  It hasn’t been a big deal and I knew that would be a common thing I’d have.  Implantation = cramps, or child loss = cramps.  I knew going into this that cramps would be a sensation I would have.  However, even having this knowledge upfront doesn’t help my mind from wandering what each cramp is or what it means.

We find out this Friday on the results.  WE FIND OUT THIS FRIDAY.  My nerves are a little bit of a wreck, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m kind of sad, all while just continuing to tell myself to perk up, be happy, enjoy this moment, breathe, give your worries to God.  I’m doing all these things and that silly mind of mine keeps wondering what’s going on inside.  But this Friday we will have a definitive answer.  And this has me feeling like…. I just don’t know.  I’m really all over the place, and I can’t seem to put into words what I’m feeling. Honestly, it makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking of all the emotions that I’m trying to fight off.

But we have faith.  And we know we’re doing everything we’re supposed to be doing.  Keeping my feet warm, eating the things you’re supposed to eat (good fats, soups, healthy food), avoiding the sugary stuff that I’ve been craving!  Not picking anything up over 5 lbs (which seems extreme, but I’m still doing it).  Getting plenty of sleep, drinking plenty of water and laying low.  Goodness, I’ve never layed so low in my life!  Ha!  And we pray most of the day on our own and we pray together every night, praying over these little two embryos that they are healthy, they are growing, they are strong and will continue to grow.  Praying they are God’s will for us.

Today is our 7th year anniversary and all I want is to have children here on earth with us.  So if you’re reading this & you want to gift something, say a prayer that these babies are healthy, strong, and God’s will for us and they will keep on growing!  That would be the greatest anniversary gift. 🙂

In the meantime, we’ll just wait, try not to wonder, wait some more, and find out the results on Friday.

Invitro is not for the faint of heart…

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I guess that should be pretty obvious.  If you’re doing invitro then you have likely exhausted your options, scrapping your pennies to pay for it, and you’re stressed out and tired.  BUT these are just reimnders to be thankful for!  We get the opportunity to take a step down a road that not everyone can do, whether emotionally, physically, or financially.  

Emotionally it is a toll on your relationships.  Yes, plural. On your relationship with your spouse.  You are irritated, uncomfortable, tired, and exhausted trying to make best and healthiest decisions together. You feel trapped or limited to certain things and certain items.  You aren’t allowed to exercise the irritations off and they build.  And if you have to do Invitro out of state, you drive…alot.  Currently we are averaging about 160/miles a day, maybe that isn’t a lot to some but seems it is emotionally exhausting to me.

Other relationships are put on hold or are not give attention they should.  I’ve been MIA in friend relationships because there just isn’t the time unless I live or work with you and even then, it is unlikely I see any of those wonderful people.  Work relationships, I mean…those are nonexistent at the moment.  A few here and there know what we are doing and why I am in and out of work so much, but at the moment, they view me as in, stressed, tired, and out. Family, jeex they probably take the brunt of it all…don’t they?  I’ve truly been blessed with amazing family, and I owe so much more attention to them!

Physically, let’s keep this one short because I have been talking about it a lot.  But…it feels like you have two foreign objects in your abdomen that are ballooning up to unreal size and your stomach may actually bust.  Hopefully, that doesn’t happen. 😁

Financially.  Of course, you know going into this Invitro process, that it will be a huge investment.  Prayers go up to any couples that do Invitro multiple times, especially consecutively.  You drain your bank account or take out a loan or (hopefully, not likely, but hopefully insurance will cover some). And the meds, oh boy those meds are expensive.  Amd don’t fool yourself, that you’ll just be paying for one time meds either…count on needing multiple refills. I made that assumption myself, and was quickly awaken. Then account for traveling, costs to pay to watch house or animals or children while you’re gone, costs of unexpected anything… Yet, ALL OF IT IS SO WORTH IT!

Again, I circle around to not knowing the outcome and we have no control over it, but it is worth it.  I think the biggest item holding me back from doing IVF originally is knowing it may not workout like we want.  We may not end up with 1-2 babies here on earth, we may have them join our 4 heaven babies or it may not be successful at all.  But your heart tells you to move forward, to try anyways, to TRUST IN GOD, and believe He has your best interest in mind.  

Like I said, Invitro us not for the faint of heart, but it is incredibly worth it and you can absolutely do it with the good Lord by your side.

Medical things.

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This post may be a little more boring, well most of them are boring but more than normal.  This is more an informative post.  A sweet girl I’ve known for awhile has been through IVF a couple of times and she mentioned to me it was helpful to note your medical information, so you can go back and review it and compare whenever you want/need to.  THIS is a good idea and not something I’ve been really doing but would like to have a reference point.

Monday, we received the news that my levels were lower than they would like, so they doubled my medication.  This wasn’t that big of a deal because it happens pretty frequently.  We’re back here today (Friday) and had levels done and they look good but they are keeping me at the upped medication levels.  I currently have 10 follicles on one side and 11 on the other.  This is good news, and praying we continue to have those little guys keep on growing and prepping for next week retrieval.  Egg retrieval was tentatively  scheduled to be on Wednesday-ish, but they have pushed back my Monday check to Tuesday, so I think it is safe to assume egg retrieval and transfer will be pushed a day or two.  This is too be determined.  We will keep trekking on, keep pumping that system full of injections, and taking it easy (which is easier said than done).  🙂

Phase II

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We have started Phase II, as I like to call it, the stimulation phase.  As if your ovaries aren’t being stimulated enough, you pump a few more meds into your body to help your follicles grow to a certain point and get your hormones at a certain level.  Our doctor is just trying to create the most ideal environment for any little ones that decide to make the transfer.  Yesterday, I wasn’t at the level they would like me to be at, so they basically doubled my follistim & menopur.  This is pretty normal, from what I hear.  They do checks on your follicles and hormones and increase or decrease your meds based on what they see in the test results.  Even knowing that this is normal process, it isn’t exactly the news I would like to hear, but again, praying about it not worrying about it.

A few side effects from the medication so far are bloating for sure, soreness in your stomach from ovary stimulation but also from shots.  The shots do not hurt or anything, but they do have a tendency to leave a prick mark or bruise because you’re continuously giving yourself shots over and over.  The ovary stimulation is a little achey, for me specifically, it’s on my left side that is very achey, especially when I’m sitting down for too long.  Granted, it doesn’t exactly help that you are sitting down and driving to and from doctor appointments a couple of times a week, and my doctor is 3.5 hours away.  I tried to explain the feeling to J the other day because it’s not something that feels right, it just feels off.  It doesn’t hurt terribly bad all the time, but has it’s moments.  Overall, it just feels like you have something in your body that is too big to be there, so there’s pressure, aches, pain, and the inability to get comfortable.  Also, increased sweating (mainly at night) whew!  I woke up the first night after starting the meds and my shirt was soaked and that’s gross.  I’m sorry for people that have to deal with night sweating, I’ve never had this issue and I had no idea what was going on when I woke up and my shirt was completely wet.  I thought maybe I fell asleep with a water bottle and spilled it all over myself (that happens more often than I’d like to admit).  Or maybe one of the dogs excessively slobbered on me, trying to wake me up (also something that happens more than I’d like to admit), but ends up it is just night sweats (tons of fun).

Oh, and the side effect of …. shortness lol, that’s still running high.  Thanks to the hubs for putting up with that so far.  It has to be exhausting for him.

Considering the potential outcome, none of this is anything to complain about.  Even if the outcome doesn’t turn out the way you would like it to, I’ll gain something from this experience.  I don’t know exactly what at this point, but there is something I’ll gain from it.  🙂  I trust God knows best and will show me if I’m missing it!

Losing Track

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I’ve been quiet for a few days, just processing some things.  Processing test results, results that aren’t the best, but good enough to keep moving forward with IVF; processing my emotions, wow… this all is an emotional roller coaster; processing the anxiety and overwhelming feeling I have for upcoming changes.  Just a few things to take in, and all of it can cause you to lose track of….well, everything.

While receiving results that are basically subpar (my words, not the doctors words), I hit a wall of frustration, anxiety, fear all at one time.  Add what all this medication does to your hormones, and take those items times about 8.  So all the feelings on steroids.  Ha.  It’s not exactly controllable and sometimes not manageable.  And then add the spouse being out of town for a week and all the things he normally handles breaking.  I mean, not all the things, it was just a door handle, fence, washer, and some things with the car.

Needless to say, I was feeling a little overwhelmed.  Luckily, the good Lord knows exactly what I need when I need it.  He sent my sweet friend and neighbor over to just catch up.  I rambled on and on about everything under the sun, and I probably complained a little too much over items that are so minuscule in the big scheme of things. She listened patiently, asked questions, and she listened some more.  And then the catching up turned into something much more.  She asked to pray over me.  I really can’t even finish typing this without tears filling my eyes.  Because in the midst of chaos, stress, fear, and anxiety the one thing I haven’t done like I should have been, was praying.  Thankfully, she knew what was needed and she didn’t hesitate to pray over me.  Thank you sweet girl.

I guess that leads me to my thought for the day….whatever it is you’re worrying about, fearing, stressing over…remember to pray.  We have no control over what direction this IVF or adoption process will go, but He knows what will happen, He does have control, and He will provide.

“Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything.”  Philippians 4:6

 

If only it was all sunshine and puppies..

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If you see me out and I look a bit tired, that’s probably pretty accurate.  If my eyes are blood shot and it looks like I’m on drugs, your perception is correct.  If I am looking a little frazzled lately…well, I am.  

I mean, I met my husband for dinner before we head out of town for our next IVF appointment  bright and early at 7:30 am, and I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wowzers, I instantly classified myself as all of these things.  And then I got in the car and cried about a finger painting of a wet dog, if that explains my emotional state in the least bit. Ha.. 

The exhaustion is real…Not that it is realistic for really anyone to get 7-8 hours of sleep, but it is generally pretty difficult for me to hit 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  A couple of side effects from the meds are fatigue and insomnia.  Check and check.  On top of this, add 12 hours of driving to appointments within 4 days, sleeping in different environments, and sharing a bed with your mom and then 2 nights of sharing a bed with your nephews (big mistake)..all affect your sleep of course.  So, if I look a little tired…give me a break. 😴

If I appear to be drugged up, well maybe I am.  And yes, I am just talking about meds prescribed to me.  Give me that levothyroxine, lupron, birth control, gonal-f, mepro-something, etc.  These are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head.  Of course, they are just hormones or meds to assist in making the perfect environment to cute little fertilized eggs.  Clearly, it is necessary but it will sure mess with your emotions, how your body feels and looks physically, and how you react to basic things. Like a finger painting of a wet dog may just make you cry.. I still don’t know why I cried…was the dog just so happy I couldn’t handle it?  Was the picture so beautiful that I was overwhelmed? Or was it just because I am a dog obsessor and I just needed it. Ha…we will never know.

If I appear to be a little frazzled, well if the above didn’t explain my frazzlement enough… Add your normal daily stressors to it.  You’re emotions are high, your activities are limited, you are pumping your body with hormones on a daily basis all while trying to be level headed and appear “as normal as possible.”  So I don’t have to explain why I have a short temper, why I may laugh uncontrollably in the middle of a work day to avoid busting into tears (ya, that works for me a lot…occasionally it will backfire to full blown tears, so ha you never know).

Of course, none of these are complaints, just pure explanations of why I may look the way I do.  Although I appreciate your comments like, “You look tired,” just feel free to just keep that to yourself, because trust me, I know.  I am just a little busy making sure I make it through the day with all the things circling through this drugged up, emotionally unstable head of Mine exploding all over you.

 Instead of your comment, you can feel free to say a little prayer for J’s sanity for putting up with me, show me a puppy video, & give me a high five.  Those are all incredibly helpful! 😀 

Added to edit: Of course, my husband didn’t even seem to notice my frazzled-ness.  He makes me feel beautiful, no matter how I look or act.  God definitely knew what He was doing when He brought him into my life. 

My ovaries…

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This title says it all…

MY OVARIES are so dang achy today.  Maybe they are achy from playing mom all weekend to my two nephews that stayed with us. Or they’re achy from the meds swelling them up to the size of oranges or grapefruits (that isn’t a medical size, but strictly what it feels like).  I know that was a side effect of the drugs, for your ovaries to be sore and swollen, but I never thought they would feel like this.  Just a happy little reminder that this is a journey that I could have never imagined and it’s not always easy, it’s definitely not always pleasant, it’s exhausting, but still hoping it’s worthwhile.

Short, like my mood today.  😉  #thanksovaries

Small things.

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So, our first shot is done! Yay..and Meh..all at the same time!  Obviously, we’re excited to start this process, but (meh) because we don’t really know what we’re doing, what we’re getting ourselves into and apart me really doesn’t love the fact that I’m pumping all sorts of drugs into my system.  So many drugs that I’m not even sure what some of them are and I end up just giving myself a shot or taking this pill and then googling what the side effects may be.  It’s weird, and it seems like we might be unprepared.  It’s not that at all, it’s just a lot to take in all at once.

We videoed the first shot last night, mainly for our own humor but I figured I’d share it here.  Let me preface that how our doctor appointments fell and when we needed to start these injections were kind of flip-flopped around.  We didn’t have a doctor prep appointment that clearly showed us how to take shots, but we were given about 45 pages of information to read and instructions to follow.  SO, this video is me stumbling through the directions and giving myself a shot.  Video to follow.

By the way, anyone even semi anxious about doing this and giving themself an injection, it was literally nothing.  It didn’t even feel like a bee sting, so shake off those nerves.  I grew up all sorts of animals: dogs, chickens, horses, cattle…so giving an animal a shot is not foreign to me.  The only plus side about giving it to yourself vs an animal, is you know it’s coming and you don’t have to listen to a sweet puppy cry after you give it. Ha.

Anyways, I’ve had a few side effects here and there, nothing too big.  A little ovary pain, a little bone pain (that was a surprising side effect, but your bones can be achy) and my leg definitely has been, and not the muscle achy, but the actual bone; it’s weird.  I’m getting a little concerned about continued weight gain and small, very very small and minor side effects like this.  It isn’t a big deal, because in the end you could be pumping yourself full of meds and gaining weight and having achy bones for an incredible bundle of joy.  Or you could end up heartbroken and overweight and lost.  Sorry, maybe that sounds dramatic, but that’s currently how I feel my outcomes are.

Obviously, I know this is the journey God has made me for.  I’ve had conversations with him over and over that I was not strong enough to have the last ectopic pregnancy, but turns out He was right again and I was strong enough.  I didn’t think I could bounce back, but I did, with Him.  So, I might not think I’m strong enough for another loss, but He continues to always be right and really He is the only one that knows.  Therefore, really is no use in me sitting here worrying over the small things…

Psh….harder said than done, but getting there.