Tag: Pregnancy

All in

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

I’ve mostly been talking about IVF in my posts, because that was the first process we were going through. Now, as we anxiously wait out on this little one, we finish our adoption paperwork!  Yes IVF & adoption at the same time may seem wildly absurd to most people, but when you have waited as long as we have, had as many heartaches as we have, you lay out your cards and go all in.

How did we decide adoption was for us?  For me, that want has always been there since I was younger.  It was never a question of if I would adopt or not, it was more a when will I adopt.  I’m not sure how it actually got started for me, but I’ll attribute it back to around highschool.  I knew a handful of foster children and  I saw how much they yearned for a family and I knew I needed to adopt those children yearning (obviously not something you can do as a high schooler).  But I knew I had a heart to give love. Adoption was something God wanted me to do, so basically since highschool, it has been on my heart.  When I met Jason 8+ years ago, two of my early questions to him was…”Do you want to have children and how do you feel about adoption?” Luckily, this sweet man said absolutely to children and although he hadn’t thought of adoption as much as I have, he was in.  I have watched that “I am in” change to a yearn in his heart over the years!  It overwhelms me to see this too, knowing it is truly one of my purposes on this Earth.  God sure knows how to put the right people in our lives!

Back to adoption process,  the last piece of paperwork we finished yesterday (yay!). We paid for our home study in December but haven’t had it done yet due to IVF and traveling in general, but it is on now!  I am so excited for this process and I know how slow and torturous the wait can be, but I can’t imagine a better time.  

Our cards are layed on the table, and we will hopefully get through the home study, and we wait and pray a young mom/dad picks us.  A young mom/dad will needs us, and allows us to love their child(ren) forever. 

Symptoms coming and going..

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

I don’t really have too much to report right now, besides patience is truly a virtue.  This waiting period is a little nerve wracking, especially when you’re trying not to be anxious or stressed.  Ha!

I was officially released from my IVF doctor and will begin with my local doctor next week.  We will probably have another ultrasound at 10 weeks, I’m assuming.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve considered googling how much ultrasound machines cost so I can just do my own and have a peace of mind lol, but that seems a bit extreme! 🙂

-I can start light exercising, which is awesome.  I did walk over a mile on my lunch yesterday and my ovaries were a bit sore after, so I can tell that  they’re not completely back to normal, but they’re much better than they were.  I’ll be holding off on anything too crazy and jogging for a few more weeks.
-THIS ONE IS BIG – we finish our progesterone shots Sunday and then we’re done with injections, until we decide to do this crazy process again.  This is a little bitter sweet.  Awesome, because I can maybe do things after 8:00 pm that we’ve avoided doing, also awesome that J doesn’t have to shove a needle in my bum every evening, but also a little sad because that process is coming to an end.  Injections in the stomach and butt have completely changed my lifestyle and priorities (of course for good reason) but I don’t know that everyone gets the life-changing chore it can be but also the incredible blessing it is.

My symptoms come and go.  Which is slightly annoying. You would think I’d find relief when they pass, but it just reminds me of last miscarriage and having all these symptoms and then they all of a sudden go away.  So I’m truly thankful to have the symptoms, no matter how sick or tired I may be..I’d much rather have them than not.  Anyways, I’m pretty consistently nauseous, meaning about 85% of the day, and nothing sounds good food wise, except for random, unhealthy things, like fried chicken and brownies (sheez).  I haven’t acted on all of the unhealthy cravings, because I keep telling myself that not all things are nourishing to little one, so have been trying to figure out how to handle them.  Brownies did win yesterday though.  Beyond that, even when nothing sounds good, I just eat the meal anyways because I know I need to for them.  Other symptoms are dizziness and soreness off and on and well, my pants are a little tighter – probably from the brownies but whatever.  Exhaustion about 90% of the time.  Apparently, it’s exhausting growing a human inside of you!  And…heartburn is pretty intense, but I can’t seem to give up my spicy things just yet, so I’m just dealing with that heartburn.

We just keep continuing to pray, and talk to little one (which is weird at first, especially for Jason).  But I make him do it anyways…  The first time he decided to talk to him/her he asked, “So…how’s it going in there?”  I noted maybe, he should say things that don’t require a response back lol.  He’ll figure it out!  🙂  So prayers, optimism, patience and brownies are what we’re living on at the moment, and will continue to til next time we get to see little one!

Side note – if anyone is coming from Pittsburg, KS to NWA and wants to grab me some Chicken Annie’s chicken, you will not see me complaining!  🙂 

Thankfulness in all things

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

Thankful again this week!  After this week of some small personal downs and big ups, I realized how thankful I am.  So I made a list…That I’ll probably keep adding to as the journey goes.

Thankful for sweet babies we have in heaven.

Thankful for sweet baby we have currently growing stronger every day (good appointment on Thursday showed a healthy heartbeat! Eek!!)

Thankful for a support system.  I honestly didn’t realize how important it is to have supportive people in your life.  The emotional roller coaster and extensive time and energy it takes to get through all these stages.  God has put several people in my life the past few years that are always there when I need something (and even when I don’t know I need something). Including family and friends that are pretty awesome.

Thankful for my husband.  He’s there. He’s present. He puts me and baby first and is a great leader to our growing family.

Thankful for the relationships that have been created on this journey.  Couples that have reached out to just talk about their experience and develop into real friendships. 

Thankful for God giving us the opportunity to go through IVF. It has been the most exhausting experience that has completely torn me down but also has been the most beneficial, life changing experience we have ever endured.

This journey has caused me to lose things but to also gain so so much more and for that I am incredibly thankful! 

Joy in donuts

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

I’ve been searching for my joy and I’ve found it…. In donuts.  Just kidding, but I did find a little joy in one today.

In all seriousness, I was overwhelmed with a bit of mixed emotions yesterday.  I, of course, was happy to see a little flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but I also found myself upset and feeling down for some reason.  After coming to the realization that my sadness was mourning for the other little one that we lost, I found peace.  Peace in knowing that our little one that didn’t make it was being held by the biggest, strongest, most powerful God and that was the best place for them.  And that brings joy to my heart and peace to my soul.  

Today, I woke up in a calm peace and felt I could now put all my energy into the littlest we do have.  It doesn’t mean we have forgotten the other littles but we know they’re in a safe place.  And He has given us this littles to take care of, love and raise like He wants, so that is what we will do and we will be joyful and grateful in every moment!  So thank you Lord for giving us this opportunity (and thank you for donuts).

Thoughts and things…

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

There’s a few things that have been swirling through my mind the past few days.

First… the thought of why are so many people going through struggles.  Couples that are praying every day and begging for children have issues or hiccups or not able to conceive and I just don’t understand why.  The only thing I can say when I hear a story is tell them that I know God has a plan for us and He knows the amount we can withstand, and I pray that someday, I can understand whatever He throws at us….  In the meantime, ya got to keep the faith and keep moving forward.

Other thoughts swirling up in that big noggin are…excitement of what we may find out tomorrow, if we can start thinking about names, and how will we change up the house for their room?  Then I have feelings on the other spectrum, the anxiety of what we may find out tomorrow, if I will miscarry on my own or will I have to get another D&C.  Honestly, I’ve already thought about what we’d do if this happened; and I’d get a D&C asap, as in Monday, so I could be recuperated by next week’s wedding in Maine.  So I guess if it goes that route, I’ll pray I can get in somewhere to make that happen Monday, have a day or two of recuperation and Thursday off to Maine.  Not ideal, right?   Obviously, I know it may seem like I’m just thinking negatively, but I’m really not.  My imagination is HUGE and it runs wild pretty regularly, however in this situation I’m just trying to be realistic with myself and prepare myself for what may come.

There are three ways the appointment can go tomorrow.  We can find out good news & hear a heartbeat(s) (yay, obviously what we’ve been praying for), or we can find out not so good news and have that feeling in my heart ripped out again, or third situation (which I haven’t thought about til a good friend text me and told me it was possible – not to scare me but to prepare me, if necessary) but that we receive news that yes, there is something in there but we can’t hear the heartbeat b/c they’re too young.  Not going to lie, my heart sank a little when I heard that was a possibility. What’s funny is, I knew it was a possibility all along, I just didn’t think that would happen to us.  So thankful for my sweet friend that told me that happened with her now 5 year old.  For my state of mind, I just feel I need to hear a heartbeat.  I need that, for my sanity and for comfort.  I know the comfort would be temporary, but at least we’d receive some.

It’s sad really to go through a pregnancy like this.  (I know) I’ve had multiple people reach out and tell me not to worry and enjoy all the moments.  I completely 110% get it and agree.  It’s just once you have that first miscarriage you play it more cautiously.  You eat and drink only recommended things.  You take it easy and don’t overdo it, even when it isn’t convenient.  And you pray and don’t tell anyone for fear you’d have to go back and tell them, “Hey, we miscarried, so ya…”  Or what’s even worse is forgetting to tell someone you secretly told and 3 months later they ask how you’re feeling.  Ugh.  Anyways, after this many, I’m ready for that little heartbeat(s).  These moments should be nerves full of excitement, not nerves full of worry/anxiety.  And granted, I’m doing my best to be positive, but I’ve noticed all my self-portrait photos, I’m not smiling, I’m being cautious to be too happy.  It sucks….  I’m totally not complaining, because this situation is what God has decided we’re strong enough for, so please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I just don’t like the fact that I think like this….how do you get out of your head and fully enjoy this moment of waiting….. I’ll let you know when I figure it out I guess.

Heartbeat or not, Jason will not be there to hear it and unfortunately my silly phone decided to stop recording sound today so he won’t get the opportunity to hear a heartbeat live or even by recording.  But I know he’ll get to some day and that is something to look forward to…

We appreciate the prayers for tomorrow…

Distractions…

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

Several distractions are going on this week, which is exactly what I’ve needed to keep my nerves about the 6 week ultrasound on Friday to a minimum.  Small distractions, like Jason being in India, tornado warnings (ya know, small things…) and then the bigger & more annoying ones like the dogs being muddy every single night (baths for days) and small cold I’ve seem to caught (thanks Jason).  This takes up much of my free time, so less time to sit there and dwell on what will / won’t happen on Friday.

Yet, it also makes me a little sad that I feel I’ve gotten a little complacement? with this pregnancy, where I’m not focused on it enough.  Maybe that’s a good thing?  I just feel like I should spend the majority of my time focused on the little ones and praying they are healthy and growing!  Maybe this is just how a parent always feels.  You’re always thinking, worrying about your children and some days you’re simply too busy and not giving them enough attention.  #parentlife

Enough of the rambling… no real changes with me this week.  I still don’t “feel” pregnant like I have in the past, which could all be in my head.  I may be having a little morning sickness but not until 3ish pm.  I think that’s what it is….but I don’t know to be honest.  It could be my head cold and just taking too much out of me, or it could be me just being hungry and I feel a little weak.  Only other things that are changing is I get dizzy occasionally when I get up too quickly.  I find myself getting up and pausing a few seconds before moving much more, and that seems to help. Beyond that, I don’t “feel” pregnant (no bloating, exhaustion, etc).  Everyone and every pregnancy is different though, so throw your expectations out the window.  No one has control over this but the good Lord, so I’ll just take symptoms as they come or don’t come….  And lastly, I’m starting to get much better at giving the progesterone shots to myself.  The first day on my own, I hit a vein (dang it), so I had to start all over and I questioned myself if I could really do them on my own or not.  It’s getting much easier and as long as I’m relaxed (or as relaxed as I can be), it doesn’t seem to hurt, so that is a win.  So I will keep trucking along and hopefully kick this cold in the meantime.  And will continue praying the little one(s) will show up for me on Friday and will be healthy, healthy, healthy!

Ps.  I probably don’t sound too worried about Friday, but jeez I am, I am just allowing myself to continue to be distracted, because dwelling on what may or may not happen isn’t doing me and/or little ones any good.  And I’m working on giving those worries up to God, because He is in control, not me.

Thankful & in need of strength..

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

Thankful for all the incredible people in our lives that are saying prayers for our levels to increase!  And they did!  Again, praise the Lord!  Our levels increased to 2,362, which is a healthy increase that I will not complain about!

I cannot complain about anything else either.  Every step on this journey, I’m going to be thankful.  Currently, the hubs is sick, like sick sick (sicker than the normal man cold), and hasn’t been able to help much around the house when I’m exhausted.  In addition, he’s leaving for India tomorrow and then on the 16th, we meet in Maine for a wedding.  Therefore, the stress level is a bit higher than I’d like and the house isn’t as germ-free as I would prefer and we aren’t at our healthiest, but we’ve got to be thankful.  This morning I got down on my knees and thanked God that Jason was going through this sickness…I didn’t know WHY he was going through this sickness, but it is for a reason and maybe to get it out of his system before he travels to a foreign country..I’m not even going to pretend to know why he is, but it’s for a reason, so we should be thankful for it.  Thankful for this sickness and for the stress that tends to come with it.

Although, we’re thankful, we’re also a wee bit nervous.  Because our next Dr. appointment is next Friday.  On the 10th, we get our 6 week ultrasound done and this is exciting but oh, so nerve wracking.  Ultrasounds – I’ve had plenty of those bad boys.  They can be really exciting, especially when you finally hear that heartbeat and the Dr. says, “Everything looks good.”  Except, we’ve never experienced this.  It’s always been silent and cold, as you see the smile slowly fall off the nurse’s face, and you have this awkward moment where you know, she knows you know it’s bad news.  You just nod and suck it up and hold strong to not cry til she leaves the room.  She scurries to grab a doctor and you receive the inevitable, the only news you didn’t want to hear that day.

There was one time,  we heard a heartbeat, well I heard a heartbeat.  I was going back to an emergency surgery and he couldn’t be with me in the room.  I heard a heartbeat, a strong one, and the nurse quickly said, that’s just your blood flowing, not a heartbeat.  Later to find out, she was just trying to comfort me because it was a heartbeat, a heartbeat inside my fallopian tube.  It was our 2nd ectopic pregnancy and that little one wasn’t a vital pregnancy and unfortunately we lost him/her. 😦  I really, really don’t want to experience this again.  I need to hear a strong heartbeat.  I want to have the doctor exclaim, “Everything looks great!”  I desire to feel that inside of me.  I need that, but maybe God may have a different plan and I know this.  Therefore, I need strength to get through this next week.  I need peace to do this ultrasound fearlessly, and without losing my mind.  Jason will be missing this ultrasound (in India), so I’ll be doing this solo.  Well, I say solo, but I know God will be by my side and I’ll also probably bring my mom with me.  I’ll just make her wait in the waiting room because if it’s bad news, I’d rather lose it by myself than with her there.  I cope better that way.  So strength.  I need you this week. In the meantime, I’ll just be thankful.

525 & Thankful

unravelingtheyarnLeave a comment

525…those were great numbers to hear today!  Praise the Lord!   

My HCG level increased to a more comfortable level than the original test.  A little sigh of relief swept over these parents.  Of course, it won’t be the last worry or stress we will see on this journey, but we will take them one at a time.

On top of this great news today, I did my first progesterone shot on my own. Whew!  J will be heading to India the end of this week and since he has been giving me the progesterone shot, I have put off giving them to myself.  I almost even chickened out this evening, but decided I needed to suck it up and get it over with!  A shot is a shot, not a big deal.  But the shots in the the stomach weren’t that bad, just a little annoying.  At least I could see where I was injecting them. Progesterone is an intramuscular injection, in other words, right in the bum.  It wasn’t the easiest to do but is completely doable and did it myself today.  That may seem like something small, but I consider that two weights lifted off my shoulders today.  

Thank you dear God for taking care of us and these little superhero(es) that are being as strong as they can be!  Thankful today. 

No worries

unravelingtheyarn1 Comment

This weekend I had several moments where I was worrying or thinking too much about the next blood test (which is today).  I woke up to this devotion on my phone:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (NLT) -2 Timothy 1:7

Do you have a lot of worries over circumstances you cannot control?  Dear friend, one ounce of worry doesn’t do an ounce of good.  Letting worry creep in means you are giving control of the situation over to a spirit of fear.  If you find yourself worrying about something, stop and occupy your mind in a way that solves the problem.  Better yet, get your hands busy and put on a spirit of love by serving others.”
This is all I needed to hear to get through the day.  I have a calming peace that has been put over me this morning, no matter the outcome.  I know worry will creep back up at some point in time and I’ll be ready to take it on when it does.

Cautiously optimistic…

unravelingtheyarn2 Comments

That has pretty much been where my head has been from the beginning.  Today is no different. We had the HCG test done today and before I went inside, I selfishly prayed, “Dear Lord, I know it isn’t my call but if I am going to miscarry, please let me know now with this test, please don’t let me get my hopes up and then I miscarry.” I know, I know…it is a selfish prayer, I just didn’t think I could handle having high hopes again and then a loss…again.  If we were going to experience another loss, I wanted to deal with it upfront. As I walked inside to get my test done, I thought to myself, I know you don’t work like this Lord, I know.  Took a breath and said a prayer.  Let’s do this.

So, test came out positive!  I had a 71 pregnancy hormone level. Yay!  Yay!  Yay!  So exciting and of course, hopeful and optimistic…..cautiously optimistic.  You see, I’ve been here before.  I have miscarried a few times.  I miscarried when my level was a 61.  Of course, this is a little too close for comfort.  But we are pregnant.  They consider your test positive if your levels are between 50-500, so our little superhero(es) are a little lower than I would like to see them, but they are still there.  We are testing again Monday and Wednesday to insure my levels are going up.  The nurse told me we would know more Monday and to “Hang in there.” Cringe. Not exactly the words I wanted her to end our call with.

Hanging in there, being patient, staying calm, praying and being excited in a very caution manner. We can officially say we have been blessed again with another life(s) and praying they continue to grow and be strong, just like the little superhero(es) they are. ❤