Tag: Pregnancy

And we wait…

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The waiting game continues.  Currently, waiting in the front of the lab, ready to get my blood drawn.  Then we will wait most of the day to receive results, then we will wait every two days to insure babies are growing.  

I got you God…you are teaching me patience.  Thank you for this, sincerely, I know I need more so thank you for this.

I may not update this today, pending results and how I feel and because if we do get a positive today, I may want to wait til I know the levels continue to go up.  I’ll be back sometime.. 

If I am being honest..

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I was pretty confident until Tuesday evening that I was pregnant. I’ve been pregnant multiple times before. I know what it feels like, I know it is so difficult for me to keep my eyes open, I know how my stomach bloats and how I actually look differently. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I just know.  Except for last night…I wasn’t as tired anymore, I didn’t feel or look like I have in the past and I feel pretty normal, with a side ache and a little spotting.

It makes me sad, cringe, wonder, worry.  I am struggling to be upbeat and happy.  I am praying these sweet little ones get to see mama and let me love them, provide for them, and introduce them to the most awesome dad on earth.  I just don’t feel like that is going to happen.  Hoping and praying I’m wrong and doing my best to find understanding if I am correct.

Honestly, this waiting game kind of sucks and I know tomorrow will be more difficult.

Learning experience

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I had a little spotting today.  I know that can be common, I also know that it can mean things aren’t working out (to my hopes).  Maybe this is a learning experience.  Maybe God is telling me I’m much stronger than I think and He’s teaching me something bigger.  So I’ve decided to make a list of things I have learned throughout this process.

  • I can take a shot like a champ. Seriously though.
  • My patience is very thin.  I mean, I’ve known this my entire life, but I realized it is time to stop making excuses for it, and time to actually do something about it.
  • Some people just won’t show up. This is kind of sad, but I get it.  There are so many people there for us, but a few that I was sure would be there are just a little MIA. I read an article this morning about this exact subject and it made me realize that it is pretty common.  Maybe we’re all just pretty selfish in this world and we expect too much out of others.  Which leads me to my next one…
  • I’m a little selfish and I expect too much!  My husband is #1 person to experience this (pray for him).  I really didn’t think I was, but I am.  I feel like I’m doing all these shots and taking all these meds and I should get a little extra credit or something.  Apparently, it doesn’t work like that.
  • When you want something so badly, you can will your body into thinking it has it, when it definitely may not.
  • My hubs is patient, not all the time but 95% of the time and he’s pretty freaking awesome all together!
  • No one’s IVF experience will ever be the same.  Everyone has different meds, different schedules, and no two experiences are similar. We are all created so uniquely, that everyone that goes through IVF is completely different than the next person’s.  Mind blowing.
  • True laughter is necessary. Every. Single. Day.  Not the fake laugh or smirk here and there, true, genuine laughter.
  • It’s a little difficult to be home at 8:00 on the dot for medications.  Your entire schedule changes and you have to shift your priorities to your medication.  Do you have enough time to eat out and make it back in time?  Can I run this errand before then? It’s an very interesting thing to always account for.  Maybe it’s prepping you for baby waking up at the most inopportune time.
  • Taking pictures of each moment and feeling (happy, upset, crying) is really eye opening for me.  One time I was lying on a floor, bawling, in a hotel room and Jason tried to comfort me and I said no…take a picture.  I need to remember this.
  • Being understanding is vital. You don’t have to do everything for someone, but to understand what someone is going through (the nerves, the emotions, the physical toll it takes) and how all of that affects them.  Affects their personality, their thoughts and how they react to simple things.  You and/or your loved ones will experience this.
  • You don’t want to do all the social activities. Man, I love to be out and about!  I don’t like to miss out on things… but I don’t care anymore. I want to lay down, rest, take it easy, and pray.
  • You share your story, and hundreds of others will share with you.  This is so powerful.  I’m blown away by the real relationships I’ve made by simply sharing our story. One friend, whom used to be a wedding client, that I really only talked to if I saw her / her family or through social media.  And now, we text each other almost every day and I truly care about her and her family. Not necessarily something I expected to happen.
  • My emotions are ALL over the place, all the time. I’ve teared up about 7 times as I’m typing this article lol.
  • You will never go to the bathroom and not wonder, “Will there be blood?” That is such a huge fear.  Yet, every time I sit down, this comes to my mind. Unfortunately, this morning there was a little.
  • Prayer is much more comforting than I’ve experienced in the past.  Maybe my prayers in the past have been selfish prayers, but it has developed into a much different experience.  It’s more about having a relationship with your Maker. I’m far from where I’d like to be, but praying that continues to develop.
  • Speaking of prayer, it doesn’t always have to be love-love prayer.  You can be mad at God, you can question Him, but you have to let it go and TRUST Him.  Again, it’s about that relationship.
  • Packing to travel is much more complicated.  Pack enough needles, and back ups, meds, and other small items you normally don’t have to worry about.
  • We are absolutely, 110% not in control.  
  • His way is the best way.  I may not understand it.  I may question it and I likely will argue with it, but His way truly is the best way.

I guess that sums it up for now, I’ll likely come back and edit this and add things as they come to mind.  Just a few things to consider if you and/or your loved one is going through IVF. I’ll continue praying this is more than just a learning experience, but for now I do not know and it is out of my control, and praying is what I can do.

I don’t know…

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That’s been my answer several times today when family and friends ask me how I’m doing.  “I don’t know,” seems to be the only response that I can seem to spit out.  The emotions, the feelings, the wondering and waiting have really muddied my level-headed thoughts and I just don’t know how I feel.

I’ve been achy or crampy since the transfer basically.  It hasn’t been a big deal and I knew that would be a common thing I’d have.  Implantation = cramps, or child loss = cramps.  I knew going into this that cramps would be a sensation I would have.  However, even having this knowledge upfront doesn’t help my mind from wandering what each cramp is or what it means.

We find out this Friday on the results.  WE FIND OUT THIS FRIDAY.  My nerves are a little bit of a wreck, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m kind of sad, all while just continuing to tell myself to perk up, be happy, enjoy this moment, breathe, give your worries to God.  I’m doing all these things and that silly mind of mine keeps wondering what’s going on inside.  But this Friday we will have a definitive answer.  And this has me feeling like…. I just don’t know.  I’m really all over the place, and I can’t seem to put into words what I’m feeling. Honestly, it makes me a little sick to my stomach thinking of all the emotions that I’m trying to fight off.

But we have faith.  And we know we’re doing everything we’re supposed to be doing.  Keeping my feet warm, eating the things you’re supposed to eat (good fats, soups, healthy food), avoiding the sugary stuff that I’ve been craving!  Not picking anything up over 5 lbs (which seems extreme, but I’m still doing it).  Getting plenty of sleep, drinking plenty of water and laying low.  Goodness, I’ve never layed so low in my life!  Ha!  And we pray most of the day on our own and we pray together every night, praying over these little two embryos that they are healthy, they are growing, they are strong and will continue to grow.  Praying they are God’s will for us.

Today is our 7th year anniversary and all I want is to have children here on earth with us.  So if you’re reading this & you want to gift something, say a prayer that these babies are healthy, strong, and God’s will for us and they will keep on growing!  That would be the greatest anniversary gift. 🙂

In the meantime, we’ll just wait, try not to wonder, wait some more, and find out the results on Friday.

Motherhood

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It’s a bit ironic to me that my blog theme is “Momhood or lack there of.”  When I originally titled it, I thought it was a little witty and a bit sarcastic, like my mood at the beginning of this blog.  I wasn’t personally wanting to do IVF (THANKFUL I AM) but at first, I wasn’t ready for IVF.  I wasn’t ready to give that last fallopian tube up and give up my “control” or what I thought I controlled.  I just wasn’t ready to let go of the surprise element of finding out you’re pregnant and planning a cute way of telling your husband that you’re expecting, and all the tears flow with excitement and fear.  LOL – seriously, laughing out loud at this perception I had on how motherhood all begins.

Motherhood starts much earlier than becoming pregnant, or telling your loved ones you’re expecting or even giving birth.  It’s not just about the baby keeping you awake at all ends of the night, or the kids fighting as you’re trying to run errands, work, make dinner, list goes on.  Motherhood starts when you decide to make a choice to have children.  Maybe you get pregnant right away, maybe you don’t get pregnant for awhile or at all, maybe you adopt or use a surrogate.  The second your heart has decided to share a life with a little human being, no matter if they’re the size of a pea or the size of a squash (all those weird shapes you hear people say) or adopting a child at 8 years old; that is the second you’ve entered the mom role.

That split second….is when your priorities, needs, and desires change.  I’ve reached this point about 6 years ago and not until this moment, do I realize I am a mom.  I mean, I know I’m a mom, I have 4 heaven babies, but I never felt like I could call myself this.  Whenever they ask all the moms to stand up in church on Mother’s Day, I never felt like I could stand up.  You don’t give your thoughts on anything “mom” related because you don’t feel like you have a position to do so.  And now as I sit here (not currently pregnant) in a coffee shop, avoiding caffeine and alcohol, eating only the best foods for a little one, injecting medication after medication into my body that makes me feel so crappy and so moody that sometimes it is unbearable, and saving every penny you possibly can because you want to give a little one a chance to have the best life possible, and FULLY knowing that you have no control over the outcome of this IVF.  There’s a huge chance none of this could work.  I know that, but being a mom is worth taking the chance…. taking the gamble and praying you understand whatever outcome you receive.  This is finally  when I realize I can actually be called a mom.

Tears….I really didn’t know where this blog was going when I started writing it.  It just started off as an epiphany and now I can’t sit in this coffee shop without fighting back tears because it’s taking me this long to get it through to myself, that I am a mom.  🙂

My ovaries…

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This title says it all…

MY OVARIES are so dang achy today.  Maybe they are achy from playing mom all weekend to my two nephews that stayed with us. Or they’re achy from the meds swelling them up to the size of oranges or grapefruits (that isn’t a medical size, but strictly what it feels like).  I know that was a side effect of the drugs, for your ovaries to be sore and swollen, but I never thought they would feel like this.  Just a happy little reminder that this is a journey that I could have never imagined and it’s not always easy, it’s definitely not always pleasant, it’s exhausting, but still hoping it’s worthwhile.

Short, like my mood today.  😉  #thanksovaries

Just a little saline solution

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Headed to the doctor this morning, just for a mock trail transfer where they insure there are no issues with the egg transfer next month, aka polyps, wrinkles in the uterus, blockage, etc. I explained this to my mom a couple of times but finally figured the best way to describe it to her is as a “practice run.” Just finishing up breakfast, taking my Ibuprofen for pain prevention, took a pregnancy test (which was required even though it is humanely impossible for that to happen). Unless God thinks I am the next Mary, which I doubt is the case… 

It’s funny you know how impossible it is to get pregnant but the anxiety of taking a pregnancy test is almost overwhelming, it’s ridiculous.  I kept waiting for it to say ‘Not Pregnant,’ but the thought in the back of my head of, “What if it shows up as Pregnant?” simply wouldn’t get out of my head.  Obviously, it was ‘Not Pregnant’ haha… And then I laughed out loud, because well you have to laugh at yourself sometimes.

Today, I am not anxious about the pain of this mock trial.  I’ve been there before and it really isn’t that bad.  I think it is just laying there…naked…on a cold metal table..as vulnerable you possibly can be, doing a mock transfer to something that could change your life one way or another.  There are only two outcomes, you’ll have some issues (blockage, wrinkles, polyps) or you’ll have a clean shot.  Clearly, I want an issue-free, clean shot but if it is issue-free, it is that much more pressure for the actual transfer to go right and what if it doesn’t.  Blah…..

It’s just a little saline solution… I just need to put my mind to rest for the day and keep it at that.

PS To those couple of kick ass friends that text me before the mock transfer.. 😘 I love you. You are amazing person and I do not know what I would do without you.

Small things.

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So, our first shot is done! Yay..and Meh..all at the same time!  Obviously, we’re excited to start this process, but (meh) because we don’t really know what we’re doing, what we’re getting ourselves into and apart me really doesn’t love the fact that I’m pumping all sorts of drugs into my system.  So many drugs that I’m not even sure what some of them are and I end up just giving myself a shot or taking this pill and then googling what the side effects may be.  It’s weird, and it seems like we might be unprepared.  It’s not that at all, it’s just a lot to take in all at once.

We videoed the first shot last night, mainly for our own humor but I figured I’d share it here.  Let me preface that how our doctor appointments fell and when we needed to start these injections were kind of flip-flopped around.  We didn’t have a doctor prep appointment that clearly showed us how to take shots, but we were given about 45 pages of information to read and instructions to follow.  SO, this video is me stumbling through the directions and giving myself a shot.  Video to follow.

By the way, anyone even semi anxious about doing this and giving themself an injection, it was literally nothing.  It didn’t even feel like a bee sting, so shake off those nerves.  I grew up all sorts of animals: dogs, chickens, horses, cattle…so giving an animal a shot is not foreign to me.  The only plus side about giving it to yourself vs an animal, is you know it’s coming and you don’t have to listen to a sweet puppy cry after you give it. Ha.

Anyways, I’ve had a few side effects here and there, nothing too big.  A little ovary pain, a little bone pain (that was a surprising side effect, but your bones can be achy) and my leg definitely has been, and not the muscle achy, but the actual bone; it’s weird.  I’m getting a little concerned about continued weight gain and small, very very small and minor side effects like this.  It isn’t a big deal, because in the end you could be pumping yourself full of meds and gaining weight and having achy bones for an incredible bundle of joy.  Or you could end up heartbroken and overweight and lost.  Sorry, maybe that sounds dramatic, but that’s currently how I feel my outcomes are.

Obviously, I know this is the journey God has made me for.  I’ve had conversations with him over and over that I was not strong enough to have the last ectopic pregnancy, but turns out He was right again and I was strong enough.  I didn’t think I could bounce back, but I did, with Him.  So, I might not think I’m strong enough for another loss, but He continues to always be right and really He is the only one that knows.  Therefore, really is no use in me sitting here worrying over the small things…

Psh….harder said than done, but getting there.

 

The need is there..

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Just reflecting on the past few years and trying to wrap my head around everything that’s transpired.  More than I have time to write about…

The need to feel wanted, loved, sufficient is all something I struggle with daily, actually more like hourly.  I don’t need roses every day or even a hug to be honest.  I was raised to be a tough cookie and to be able to handle things when they come rolling my way. If you think I’m kidding, you should have seen me on a hay truck at the age of 14, working my happy little bootay off with 3 other guys who were much more muscley than this 85 lb scrawny teen girl, but I survived 3 summers of it.  So I was taught at a young age to suck it up and be self sufficient.  I think we all have that desire to be able to do things on our own, right?  So when you you become an adult and decide you want to have children, you start to yearn for them (if you already didn’t).  If you’re like me, I was yearning for children since I was about 16 years old.  I knew that no matter what, I was meant to be a mom.  Not everyone is like that, some decide after a surprise pregnancy that that is what they want in their life.  Either way, once you get that feeling, you can’t let it go.  Even if the odds are against you, you won’t let it go.

What happens when you don’t succeed after trying, and trying, and trying and finally you succeed, yet to experience a loss 12 weeks later.  So you pick yourself up and try and try and try again, and another loss, and yet another loss.  6 years of losses can take a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical state.  I ate my feelings for awhile….like ate. my. feelings.  Like all of them….ALL the oreos and pizza and beer and hell, I’d eat brown sugar out of the bag some days.  But it happens, and then you figure out that’s not the best thing for you.

Eventually, you figure out how to cope, but you still don’t feel “full.”  There’s a massive hole in your heart that you can’t seem to fill.  So, you pick a fight with your spouse or friends, because they can’t fulfill you.   You become busy, all the time, you throw yourself into work, you seek out new hobbies, you yearn for attention, you do everything in your power to feel full again. Nothing seems to work. Then like a mama-slap to the back of the head, you realize that all this crap you’ve been trying to fill yourself up with is pointless.  Those materials, that attention, the new hobby may make you feel better temporarily, but it will do nothing for you.  In fact, it will actually make you feel more empty and could ruin your relationship(s). Unfortunately, it’s happened to me and to several others I know.  It kind of sucks.  By kind of, I mean really, really sucks.  It’s the last thing I want anyone to experience it sucks so much.  Imagine, putting your spouse or friends through the ringer and you expect them to fill you back up.  And they just sit there, support you with patience in their heart and sadness in their eyes, because they also know they can’t fill you.  Not like you think you need them too.

Fortunately, there’s this thing called God.  He’s there.  He can fill you.  That one thing you were trying to avoid, He’s the answer. Let me save you some heartache…..don’t seek out those materialistic things, new clothes, new shoes, a new car will not make you full.  That attention you might get online or in person, is not wanted attention.  It actually makes you feel crappier.  The expectation that you are putting your friend or spouse through, is so unrealistic and higher than anyone can climb to, but the big man upstairs.  Seek Him out.  Yearn for Him.  Dive into what He has given to you.

By the way, this isn’t easy….it sounds easy and it’s easy to write after you go through it.  It’s actually probably one of the last things you want to hear when you’re going through a tough time.  Force yourself to do it.  Trust me.  It’s worth it.

Anticipation Station

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IVF appointments are made, like made-made, not tentative like they have been for the past few months.  THEY ARE OFFICIAL.  I received the email about 5 am on Saturday morning and I couldn’t sleep.  My mind was racing with, “Can I do this?”  “Can we do this?” “Are we ready?” My mind was racing so much, I woke up my husband and told him the appointments were made and not really to my dismay, he rolled over and muttered something under his breath (probably like let me sleep woman).  So I lay there, just going through all the possibilities and I find myself incredibly excited and overwhelmed and shoot, I got excited and positive, didn’t I?

This entire process I’ve been pretty level-headed (minus the one evening I went MIA because I just needed to clear my head, but that’s a different story for a different day).  I’ve kept my sh!t together.  I’ve not been too optimistic and I haven’t been negative.  I have been realistic on what could happen but also what might not happen, and to trust God’s work and how His plan.  And now, here I am all excited about something that I really don’t have any control over.  As I knock myself down back to realistic stage, I spoke with a friend who has seriously been my rock.  I mean, I’ve so incredibly fortunate and have several rocks in my life.  I can’t explain how thankful I am for these people.  That said, one in particular told me to be excited.  “ENJOY EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF THE PROCESS!”  And she went on with so much wisdom in a single sentence, “Sometimes we get so caught up in what is trying to be accomplished, that we forget what is happening in front of us!  Every single embryo that survives is one of your babies! And that is amazing in itself!  What a wonderful thing to witness!  Life!” I read it a few times before it really sunk in, but she was right.  I don’t have control over the situation, but this process, I’m going to get excited about.  Maybe some think that’s crazy because we’ve already experienced 4 losses, why get all excited for it happening again.  OH that’s right, b/c you’re experiencing one of God’s greatest gifts…life.

And like that, I think I’m going to end it and let it all sink in for any of those that are struggling with this process.  Who are struggling to let go of the control, be excited but patient, be optimistic but realistic, there’s alot of things we should / shouldn’t be doing but whatever you do..enjoy the process.  Easier said than done, I know, but let’s try….