Tag: pregnant

11 Weeks To Go

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Where did my pregnancy go? On one hand, I definitely feel (and look) pregnant but I haven’t thought about being pregnant as much as I was able to the last two pregnancies. As someone that’s gone through infertility for years, that sounds crazy to say and I kind of feel bad for saying it because especially through infertility you cherish (and fear) every second of a pregnancy. However, my time, mental & physical energy go to the other two littles, let alone the husband, dogs, life, work, not to mention any random wildlife we try to keep alive in our backyard 😂 Basically saying, this pregnancy has long days but short months. We are at 29 weeks, and I have less than 11 weeks to go! How did this happen?

I’ve been sick off and on through this pregnancy but no complaints, just little uncomfortable here and there and little sleep, but I know the gift is so worth it. Little miss (name still being decided on by Ryken) is growing well, heart rate was 135-140 this week, and we got to see her beautiful face last week. Chubby cheeks and lots of sass already, and she looks a little like Ryken (no surprise there, she is technically her fraternal twin) – crazy to think right? Welcome to IVF and the incredible ability to freeze embryos. Little Miss has been growing well, despite the 2-vessel vs 3-vessel umbilical cord. My Dr says generally, they may slow down growth after 30ish weeks, so we will be doing a growth ultrasound in 2 weeks and monitoring her closely til she arrives!

We are ready…right? 😂 I mean, are you ever ready to add a little one to the family? Or are you ever ready to say goodbye to the last pregnancy you’ll ever have again?? I’m not going down this path mentally yet because I think that will be a little to undertake mentally, so I’ll touch on that sometime in the future. I get a little teary-eyed thinking about it even. So many years put into this journey and in less than 11 weeks that portion of our life is over. Pregnancy life ending soon or not, we know this was God’s purpose for us and are so grateful for each blessing we’ve had and will meet one day and for the 2 we have, cuddling now, and 1 on the way. We couldn’t be more grateful for this stressful, chaotic, wonderful family life we have been able build. ❤️

Next update coming in a couple of weeks when we see how Little Miss is growing, and maybe Ryken will have a name decided by then!

Count down & the new norm

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Where do I start?  Every day I think about being pregnant and “quarantined” I think about how weird of a time it is to be pregnant. I mean, it’s a weird time for everyone right now but I’m going to just speak as a pregnant mama during this Covid19 world.  Did you know some states aren’t allowing spouses or a support system to be in the same room during delivery?  Did you know most or maybe all states by now are ONLY letting 1 spouse/support system in the room? Or that no visitors whatsoever are allowed in?  No siblings, grandparents, friends or family are allowed to visit the baby in the hospital. It’s a change to keep us all safe, obviously, so I have no qualms about it, but it’s a little sad too.  In addition, we are limiting grandparents or anyone in the house to no one, unless they’ve been self-quarantined for 14 days themselves.

Daily, I go through a range of emotions from worried, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, baffled, and the emotions go on and on.  Of those emotions I experience regularly, very minimal times do my emotions reflect excited, happy, upbeat, and peaceful. Blessed, absolutely, I feel that every single day.  However, this current environment is stripping my excitement and peace as each day goes by.  We’ve gone through what we believe is every possible scenario of how this delivery could play out that we can think of.  I know we don’t know what’s to come but we can attempt to be as prepared as possible.

Scenario 1: We have baby girl easily and without a hitch! Jason is in the room, baby and mom are healthy and get sent home quickly.  Zayden is taken care of by my sis while we’re gone.  This is the scenario we are praying for!

Scenario 2: Jason isn’t allowed in the hospital room and misses the birth of his 2nd child. I labor/deliver on my own.  Jason takes care of Zayden, mom and baby girl are healthy and released home quickly.

Scenario 3: One of  us tests positive for Covid-19.  We are isolated from baby until she tests negative/positive. If negative, we isolate positive person at home, while the negative person(s) isolate elsewhere.

Scenario 4: Z gets sick & tests positive, none of the rest of us do.  We quarantine baby sis and me elsewhere while Jason quarantines with Z at home.

Scenario 5: All of us get it besides baby sis.  My mom and sister will hopefully be healthy and take turns caring for sis til we are allowed to see her.  This is the scenario I am fearing the most.  Not that my mom and sister aren’t fully capable of loving and handling baby sis on their own, but it’s more germs to be exposed to and to be forced away from your newborn child is a very unnerving thought.

Scenario 6: We all get sick and test positive for Covid-19 and we all quarantined at home.  Honestly, if we are all healthy enough to not have huge issues with the virus, I would prefer this over isolating any of us from another.  So I guess surprisingly this is the most ideal scenario after 1 & 2.

Scenario 7: Our hospitals become overwhelmed and I’ll not be able to birth in hospital.  Let’s not even go into this one because it’s so far out of my head at the moment.  A possibility, yes, but not something I want to think about at the moment.

Scenario 8: We have labor & delivery complications with me or baby sis.  I’m not allowing myself to go down this road mentally, so we’ll leave it at that.

I truly despise that my mind even goes to any of this….but in this world, we have to go through these scenarios and create plans and back up plans.  We simply do not know what to expect and it’s way beyond what we had to think about last time around.  With Zayden, the only thing we planned for is making sure our dogs were taken care of while we were in the hospital.  I’m sure some may think this is all extreme, honestly I don’t care what they may think, because we’re just doing what’s best for our kiddos and until you’re in this situation then I don’t know you’ve fully grasp it.

These scenarios continue to weigh heavily on me day and night.  Being isolated from Zayden or baby sis will be one of the toughest things we’ve ever had to do, and let’ me remind you we went through 6+ years of infertility, multiple surgeries, miscarriages after miscarriages and IVF twice, so that’s kind of saying something lol  To be isolated from either of them is what scares us the most..

To end this, I’ll give you a little update on where we are baby wise.  Baby sis still doesn’t have a name yet, but we are considering Zayden’s latest suggestion of Princess Sissy. She seems to be doing good with a healthy heartbeat and moving a ton still.  Dilated to a 3 (whoa – we never got this far with Zayden without being induced), and we have an induction date scheduled for 04/06 unless she comes before.  🙂 Finding this out earlier today brought tears to my eyes because it makes this all just a little more real.

Here’s to this new norm that we’re adjusting to and hopefully just a little more than  a week before little sis arrives!  And while we wait, we continue to soak up every minute possible with Zayden.  Jason has been thankfully capturing photos every single day and sharing them on our facebook in case you want a cute little pick me up. 🙂

Praying for all those expecting mamas out there that are experiencing the ups and downs of their pregnancies.  Hoping for peace and safe & healthy deliveries!

30 weeks & toddler life

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I feel a little guilty, which is exactly what most of this pregnancy has felt like. From what I hear, that’s just what mom life is all about, trying to find balance and dealing with the guilt that comes with unbalanced lifestyle. You’re either too tired to play with your very excited toddler or you’re busy trying to do things and can’t take a second to just breathe for yourself.  It’s a continuous battle with yourself, but I’d rather do this battle every day than what we were doing for 6+ years prior to having Z. Here’s how life has been going so far!

I’m 30 weeks.  Baby girl is measuring on time, appears to be healthy and has a good healthy heart rate, so we are praying she continues to.  She’s ACTIVE.  I’m talking about the good Lord has combined my energy (pre-pregnancy) and Jason’s ridiculousness and created this little being that kicks and punches all day and all night long. Zayden was a very chill little boy in the womb and she’s the opposite.  Ha, as I typed this I got a good jab, as if she knows I’m talking about her.  Thankful for those little (and big) jabs every day though.

Zayden is finally over the thought of us having a baby shark vs an actual baby.  He also gives baby sissy kisses almost daily but REFUSES to feel her kick.  When I try to pull my shirt up over the belly and show him kicks, he covers my belly back up and says, “No Mama.” Maybe he’s not quite ready for sissy to get here yet.  Speaking of “Sissy” we have yet to decide on a name.  Feel free to give your input with the ones we have picked out or new suggestions! 🙂  So far, we’ve narrowed it down to Ryken, Becklee, Becklenn or Brexton and we have a middle name of Spree already picked out (thanks Aunt B for sharing your middle name with us).  Ryken is Zayden’s favorite or he’s open to the name “Sissy Beck” but that’s about as much as he’s willing to compromise on the name, so we shall see!  Like I said, feel free to throw your suggestions out there as we’re just not sold on anything yet.

As far as our little Zman – he’s still as awesome as he’s ever been.  He’s a little smarty pants for sure.  Since he’s mastered his ABCs awhile ago, he now likes to just say them as fast as possible before someone chimes in and if we interrupt him, he likes to start all over.  He also can count to 50, which Jason is not the happiest about as he does push ups with Zayden and when Zayden decided one day to go over 30, Jason just wasn’t fully prepared to keep doing the pushups lol. I fully plan to get him to 100 by age 3, but we have plenty of time for this.
*Puzzles & Books he still loves.  That kid can seriously race us with puzzles and likely win every time.
*PJ Masks (Catboy, Owlet, and Gecko), Ninja Turtles, Spiderman & most recently Daniel the Tiger are some of his favorite shows to watch.  And I’m going to be honest, I don’t even have any shows anymore because when we are watching shows, it’s usually something he enjoys.
*He still loves Wall-E, Frozen and Polar Express movies.
Jumping, running, crashing, building, running, jumping and hide & seek are some of his favorite things to do.
*He has moved from calling me Mom-Mom to Mommy and occasionally when he’s trying to be funny, he calls us Mom & Dad.  It’s too grown up for me to take seriously.
*Lima (aka Liam, his cousin) is his bff. We recently went on vacation with them for a week and he started calling him Lima which likely will stick with him for life and he now asks to hang out with him every day. 🙂 Love that sweet cousin love.
*Speaking of vacation, we’ve added Bahamas to his list of places he’s visited and knocked off another stamp on his passport, making that 2 out of the country travels in 2 years!
*He’s really interested in this Kid Bible app on my phone – I only let him play on it once a day for 2 Bible stories and I honestly thought he wasn’t retaining any of the stories at all, but after you listen to the stories so many times, he surprisingly knows them and that just warms my heart to know he’s willing to listen and take those stories in.  His favorites at the moment are Daniel in the Lion’s Den, Samson, Noah’s Ark (aka the “rainbone” story) and the house being built on the rock vs the sand.  I’m pretty sure the last story he only likes because he likes that the wave crashes and destroys the house on the sand  – ha, but it’s pretty great to watch him listen to those!
*His daddy is starting to win the favorite award every day.  He used to be all mommy, but mom’s a bit more tired than normal and can’t put him on my back all the time, so dad’s been winning the favorite award more than I have recently.
*Zayden got a big boy bed, that he seems to be loving.  I do sleep in it half the time with him, but it’s much more room than sharing King bed with Jason, baby girl and Charlie lol.  So we will get what we can take.
*His favorite pup has changed from Della to Ollie, because Ollie actually likes to play with him and Della is just not as fast as she used to be.
*Water guns & Rawrs (aka dinosaurs) in the bathtubs are still our go to every bath.
*Food is still a toss up. He loves things one day and doesn’t the next – this is a constant struggle, but we’re rolling with it.  I’ve attempted every tip, but I just have to remind myself it’s a phase and this too shall pass.
*He still loves to cook with his mommy, especially if it’s something he can taste as we go.  He loves to ask me, “Momma, I like it?” lick his lips then looks at me like can I try it yet. Brownies, muffins, and waffles have been some of our favorites to make..or anything that he can mix basically.
*We have nightmares and I think that’s something that we just will be dealing with for awhile. He wakes up at least once a night scared of something that he’ll try to tell me about – it usually has something to do with a toy or someone he knows but never can get a full story from him before I get him to calm down and fall back asleep.  We have active imaginations in our family, so I can only imagine it’ll stick around for awhile.

We are loving every minute we can soak in with little man.  He’s really pretty chill and calm mostly, but has his moments but they are pretty few and far between and usually because he’s hangry or tired. Yet, I take these moments over anything we’ve had pre-Zayden.  Life is different, much different but so so good.  We are going to embrace all we can in the next 10 weeks before sissy gets here. Thankful for prayers for healthy babies and thankful for this place we are in life.

Leaving with you with a few favorites from vacation:

Thankful

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I have shared several times on this blog, “I am thankful.” There are so many things I am thankful for and there is no better time to share than Thanksgiving.   

1. I am thankful for a mighty Lord to bless us with all the opportunities given to us, especially the latest blessing, Zayden Gray Vinson.

2. Baby sneezes, because they are the most precious thing a newborn can do. Seriously, it makes me oh and aw every little sneeze.

3. I am thankful for fertility drugs and procedures.  As crazy as the drugs make you with mood swings, hot flashes and other random side effects, I am thankful for the outcome they can bring.

4. Our doctor’s/nurses and the wisdom given to them to help get us through the past 6+ years.

5. Our support system.  We have been overwhelmed with family, friends, coworkers, church family, wedding clients, and complete strangers that have gone over and beyond to support us.

6. A fairly “easy” pregnancy and labor.  Despite all odds, some struggles through it and a major backache, we made it through that pregnancy and labor like a breeze.

7. All the babies we lost over the years. ❤️

8. Etsy, because we’ll sometimes you just need that custom dinosaur height chart and you just don’t have time (or creativity) to do it myself.

9. A husband who is not only supportive and helps any chance he can get, but he has also become a master at changing dirty diapers.

10. A profession that can be flexible and the best clients a photographer could ask for.

11. Loving dogs that easily transitioned to having a newborn brother and only overwhelming him with kisses every other day. 

12. Eye contact with our baby boy. Gosh, when he looks at me with his eyes wide, my heart just melts and melts.

13. Meal trains and freezer meals.  If we didn’t have either of these during the first few weeks postpartum, we would be eating cereal for every single meal.

14. Parents that live (probably) a little too close. 😊 But always willing for a friendly stop by and to love on sweet baby Z and it’s just an added plus they will bring food or beer each visit.

15. A home that truly feels like our home.

16. Bouncy balls, because let’s face it..sometimes Zayden wouldn’t have fallen asleep, unless we had that giant thing to bounce him to sleep.

17. Baby baths. I have never seen a baby more relaxed than when Z is sprawled out in a warm bath! 

18. The ability to breastfeed and pump. This was one of my biggest fears, that my body wouldn’t produce what it needed to, but so far I’ve been blessed with the ability to do so.

19. Night lights to guide clutzy me throughout a dark house, with Baby Z.

20. Restless nights, because it means there is a reason to be restless and that reason is the best thing ever.

21. Zayden falling asleep on my chest. I may be one of those weird mom’s that encourages this forever because right now it is my favorite thing to do, cuddle and let him fall asleep on my chest. 

22. Bassinets right by the bed, so I can check on him any time throughout the night I need (or should I say want to).

23. Time for the body to heal.  The body is a crazy, intricate creation and to imagine you have the ability to create a little human is pretty incredible. But this body also needs time to heal and I am thankfuln to have that time  to do this.

24. Blogs, to get out all these thoughts in my head but to also have a space to tell our story and help others on their journey.

25. I am thankful for infertility struggles.  I used to take pregnancy for granted. It seems like everyone can get pregnant pretty easily, right?  Well, I was wrong and now I don’t take such a precious gift for granted.

Baby arrival and all

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If you’ve been following my blog or social media, you already know our sweet little one has arrived safe and sound.  It wasn’t necessarily an easy task, but in my typical wild imagination, I envisioned something a bit different.  Thankfully, the good Lord blessed us with a labor I would not hesitate to do again with the end result we received.

We went in to be induced 10/31 at 11 pm.  Of course, Jason and I imagined an ER filled with ghosts and ghouls but we were the only patients there.  We quickly got into our room and we’re welcomed by the best nurse I could have ever asked for.  I was checked and still dilated to 1.5-2 which  is where I had been for over a week.  Clearly, Zayden enjoyed how cozy my tummy was.  After I was checked, I was put on some medication to begin the process around midnight.  Our nurse then told us to rest, because we would need it and left the room.  Already I was surprised by how easy and relaxed everything was.  You can’t check into a hotel this quickly, let alone a hospital.  The hallways we’re quiet and I appeared to be one of the first laboring patients of the day because we got the biggest, best hospital room of them all (no joke).

Of course, Jason takes our nurses advice and passes out within seconds, and I anxiously squirm and flip flop all over my uncomfortable hospital bed as I slowly feel contractions come on.  Going into this labor, I fully knew I’d likely have an epidural but I wanted to see how it goes before I jumped into it right away.  Around 4 am, our nurse came back and checked me again and I had progressed to a 3.  It wasn’t much improvement but we were both happy with this. She then started me on Pitocin and asked if I needed an epidural yet.  As I cringed during contractions, I said I was ok at the moment and wanted to wait a little longer (dumb idea Chasnie…I was not proving anything to myself or anyone else).  My only reasoning behind it is, we had gone through so much to get to this point, I wanted to truly experience it.  And that I did.  Ten minutes after the Pitocin started, my water partially broke.  She came to check me again and it broke the rest of the way and now I was at a 4.  Quickly I was progressing and about an hour later I had Jason call the nurse in and get an epidural asap.  At this point, the anesthesialogist was not there yet but he was on call so it was going to be about 20 minutes before we could begin it (this is where I say I was being dumb…why didn’t I ask for it earlier).  The pain was pretty intense and not what I imagined it would be.  Last September I had bled 1 liter into my abdomen after an ectopic pregnancy had ruptured my fallopian tube. That was the most pain I’ve ever been in my life and these contractions were about twice that feeling.  The only relief was, I would have small breaks to catch my breath before the next one came.

Finally, the epidural arrived.  And that was a whole different experience for me.  It wasn’t the needle that freaked me out or even hurt, but you have to hunch over so the doctor can stick you in-between your vertebraes.  This sounds like it isn’t a big deal, but hunching over while 9 months pregnant and being stuck multiple times, all whole your ridiculous contractions are taking over your body is alot to take on at once.  Side note, one of the sticks hit a nerve and my leg had a reflex and kicked my super awesome nurse. I felt terrible…I think I maybe shed a tear because I felt so bad.  Luckily, third time is a charm and we were able to get the epidural in and started.  

My contraction pain decreased SIGNIFICANTLY, that was a huge blessing.  My wonderful nurse was off shift and we got a new nurse and two student nurses. I mean if I’m going to experience this labor thing, why not be with two student nurses. Ha.  In all seriousness, the two student nurses were fantastic, fanned me when I got hot, held my legs when I couldn’t and coached me through it all.  The new nurse checked me around 8 am and I had progressed to a 7 (pitocin definitely was doing the trick).  An hour later she came back and all she said was, “Ok it’s time.” “Um…time for what?” Jason and I both said at the same time.  Apparently, it was time to have this baby.  See in my head, I had pictured a grueling 30 hour labor.  I had planned for the worst and everything happened to be going rather smoothly. I absolutely couldn’t complain at the moment.  By this time I wasn’t able to feel my legs, like at all but I could still feel contractions. At one point, I upped my epidural to help with the pain and then I really couldn’t feel my legs or anything else for that matter. 

So now was the time.  I wasn’t ready for it. I actually leaned over to Jason and said I wasn’t ready and I needed more time, but he was there and he knew we could get through it.  The rest was a bit of a blur.  The nurses and room was quiet.  I didn’t remember to play music like I had wanted to.  There was tons of pushing going on. The room grew incredibly hot and Jason grabbed a cold rag for my head and one nurse startes fanning me.  After an hour of pushing, we finally we’re past the “hard part” as they put it. I was pretty skeptical, thinking pushing him out has to be harder than this, right?  Thankfully, it was kind of a breeze.  I don’t know if I had it in my head it would be so much worse that I had prepped my mind and body for it or if it really was just easier but within what felt like minutes my doctor came in and out came Baby Zayden. 

The room was still quiet for a few seconds and I found myself  holding by breath, just waiting  what seemed  like an eternity but  then Baby Z engulfed the room with his wailing cries.  A huge sigh of relief came out of my mouth and finally I could relax and embrace him and embrace the first moments of our sweet little family. So many loving tears and emotions overcame me and J as we got to see and hold him. Thank you Lord for a healthy, beautiful, attentive baby boy!

One blessing I didn’t expect was after delivering the placenta, my doctor was amazed by something different with it.  I mean…placenta looks pretty disgusting to me but she kept saying how interesting it was.  Turns out that second embryo we implanted and didn’t take, had a little pocket attached to Zayden’s placenta. In a way, our second little baby was there all along.  I bet he/she was looking after Zayden this entire time and just developed a little pocket of extra goodness to make Zayden even more perfect. What a miracle all of this was and continues to be. I am thankful for every single moment.

Overwhelmed

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As I sit in our living room in the wee hours of the night, feeding every 2 hours, a bit sleep deprived, still sore from labor, the house a mess, the dogs lacking attention, and we are just over here “winging it” as we figure out this parenting thing..I feel overwhelmed.  

Not overwhelmed with frustration or exhaustion, or the task at hand, but overwhelmed with joy, love and gratefulness! ❤️ He is so perfect.  His sweet face where he has literally every single one of Jason’s features to his giganto feet just like his mama.  It seems unreal that we could be blessed with something, someone so innocent and perfect.  I never imagined I would be sitting here with the sweetest, most perfect  little boy who is milk-drunk passed out on my chest, dreaming of more milk, and sighing little wheezes of satisification.  

I’m overwhelmed with so much joy and love that the rest of the side effects that come with pregnancy and labor do not even register in my brain.  They do show their ugly faces at moments but the love and joy overcomes!  Just like God’s love for His creation (us).  His love always prevails.  His love always overcome.  How can we not be overwhelmingly grateful for someone so strong and powerful that His love always will overcome?  

Momhood is hard.  It’s dirty and you may feel like  your body and mind has been hit by a freight train, but I’m grateful for my overwhelming amounts of mother’s love and my unfailing, always prevailing Father’s love.

The date has been set.

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Well, I should apologize for being MIA lately.  Baby boy is causing swelling in my hands and swelling + working on a camera or computer all day = some ridiculous carpal tunnel symptoms, so blogging has been put on the back burner.  During this quiet time I’ve reflected a lot about what I was going to write about next..new symptoms or new thoughts that race through my mind every day or about the incredible support system I have. We are so fortunate to be surrounded by so many people that check on us daily, some are people that I just know via social media, but the care and time it takes to check on someone means so much to us.  Then today, we had a doctor’s appointment and I left the appointment overcome with emotions and I realized this is what I’d be blogging about.

This pregnancy is real.  Our baby boy is almost here.  The date is set.

I’ve been laboring slowly, which isn’t that surprising.  Some contractions here and there and have only dilated from a 1 to a 2 in the past 2 weeks.  OF COURSE, this child definitely has the Neighbors gene in him and wants to do his own thing on his own time.  Typical, but makes me love him that much more!  After talking to our doctor and determining how healthy Z is, we set a date to be induced.  If he doesn’t feel like joining the world this weekend, we’ll go in Halloween night and I’ll be induced.  As our doctor was telling us what time to arrive and what to do beforehand, my eyes were wide with excitement, gratefulness, and sheer terror.  I glanced over at Jason and I laughed as I saw the same expression in his eyes.  I waited until we left the doctor’s office to let my emotions take over but I was overwhelmed with the feeling that finally it is time.  This IS real.  He is real. You would think carrying a giant bowling ball in your uterus, while waddling around every day would make this all seem real, but not like this.  So in true pregnancy fashion, we wait….wait until his arrival with excitement, a little fear, and so much love and gratefulness.  Finally, our 6+ year infertility journey will all be worth it.

Your mama is ready to meet you little man!

Mom Thoughts

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If you don’t know me… I have a wild imagination that never stops and sometimes my thoughts can border the line of realistic and possibly morbidness.  This may be one of those posts and I apologize now, but I need to get these thoughts out and on paper, for the “just in case.”  So let’s get down to it….

To myself: If I can be realistic with you, it’s possible this pregnancy may not end with the happy tears you envision.  I realize this and so should you. As much as I pray every day that this doesn’t happen, it is possible for him to stop kicking at any moment.  So remember how perfect a moment this is for you right now; embrace the kick in the ribs, the 1,000 nighttime bathroom breaks, the uncomfortable-ness when laying, sitting, standing or just moving in general, enjoy these moments fully.  And if the kicking does stop, I need you to remember that there is a bigger plan than what you’ve created in your mind.  THERE IS A BIGGER PLAN. I know it hurts, it sucks, and just royally pisses you off, but just remember there is a bigger plan and that little one is where he’s supposed to be.  Now, just because there is a bigger plan doesn’t mean you can’t be pissed off.  Go for it.  Be angry…you should be.  Yell and scream (if it helps), run your tired heart ragged, cuddle with the pups, veg out and watch crap tv, take a breath, and lean INTO your husband and always pray even though you feel like your prayers are going deaf ears, because they’re not and deep down you know that. So keep praying.  And don’t listen to anyone else….not everyone gets it… when you’re ready, you’ll know.

To my husband: ……I honestly am not sure what to say here.  Besides, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I never have lived up to the potential I could be.  I’m sorry for all the past let downs.  I’m sorry I’ve let you down again.  I’m sorry I can’t comfort you and help you take care of little one.  I’m sorry you’re experiencing this without me.  The good news is you are so far from being alone.  You have my overbearing (yet wonderful and helpful) family, your wonderful family, so many friends, an incredible church family and small group, and you have the good Lord looking after you every single second.  Be mad at Him if you have to, because I know He can take it but don’t stay mad at Him because He’s there for you and looking after you and baby Z every. single. second.  So no matter how much you want to, don’t turn away from Him.  Also, please teach little Z all the silly & fun things you do, especially pterodactyl calls, but make sure he knows that I was the original pterodactyl-caller and you simply just learned from the master.  Let him have as many dogs as he wants.  🙂  I told you our child will love animals, and he does and you can’t do anything about it, so just give him one more puppy.   Please teach him how to ride a dirt bike and be a BA like his dad.  And whatever you do, make sure he takes on your ridiculous personality, the part that never takes anything too seriously.  And let him be stubborn.  Don’t fight it.  When you think the stubbornness is about to push you over the edge, remember that he gets his stubbornness from me.  Come down off that edge and just embrace it.  Most importantly, you make sure he knows who our maker is.  You wake up on Sundays and go to church and be apart of it. He needs that just as much as you do.  Anddddd in your free time, please please tell him all the stories about how cool his mom is and you can fabricate some if you run out of them.  As for you, don’t change a dang thing about yourself.  You’re so over and beyond anything I could ever imagine, so do not change.  And in case you EVER forget how much I love you, just put Ollie outside for a few minutes then let her back in.  She will shower you with love and excitement, that overwhelming love and excitement is just a fraction of how much I love you.  And finally, you got this, but when you think you don’t, ask for help.  When you’re hungry, there are meals in the freezer.  When you don’t know how to work the baby contraption, google it. When you need extra love, invite all 3 pups on the couch with you.  And when you think you’ve run out of diapers or wipes, there are more stuffed away in the upstairs closet. But you’ve got this.

To my little man:  Buddy, you have no idea how cool of a dad you’re getting to grow up with.  He’s literally cooler than anyone you will ever meet.  Always give hugs and kisses.  Always tell people how much you love them (especially your dad and grandparents).  Always pray, every single day. Always get up and try again.  Always choose to go on the adventure.  Always let your dad take your picture, even when you don’t want him to.  Don’t focus on the win, but always focus on how to get your team to the win.  Always reach out to the kids that don’t seem to fit in and be their friend.  Always choose to love, not hate.  Always lean into Jesus, even when you think He’s not listening…because trust me, He is.  Always ask your dad for a new puppy (but only rescue them).  Get muddy, run as fast as you can, wreck your dirt bike (but don’t get hurt), work hard but play harder, only speed sometimes (but be careful), don’t be afraid of anything, including when to say no. Be silly & weird, please be silly and weird.  Be a lover, not a fighter but it’s ok to fight for important things. Don’t worry about what others think (besides your dad..listen to him). But also, give your dad a run for his money because he deserves it just a little. And lastly, never forget about me…  I can’t explain how much I love you because there literally are not enough words to describe it, but know I love you so much!  I fought long and hard for you and I will always be with you.  Until we get to meet…go and be brave!

To my family and friends: My heart is full knowing each one of you.  Not that any of you have listened to me in the past (lol) but if I could get you to listen to anything, I hope you find and lean into God, especially if you are feeling lost. Thank you for the ones that were good to me.  Thank you for the ones that didn’t ever listen.  Thank you for the ones that always listened.  Thank you for the ones that did stupid things with me.  Thank you for the ones that were there to bail me out of stupid situations.  Thank you for the ones that made me care more than I ever thought I could.  And biggest thank you for the ones that are there for Jason right now.  Thank you.

Maybe this post is over the top or maybe it’s considered morbid to think like this, or maybe it’s just a mom that wants to be the best mom she can be and will do everything she can to make sure her family is ok, even in the worst of situations.  Maybe I’m just a mom.

Trial Run

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Trial Run, Part I.

I say Part I, because maybe there will be a Part II or Part III but only time will tell.  Sunday evening we ended up running into the hospital because I was having some unfamiliar symptoms.  No unusual contractions or anything of too much concern, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t losing any amniotic fluid like I thought.  So we went in, calm and collected (me being more calm than my husband); he for some reason couldn’t even remember how to get to the hospital.  Literally, our hospital is located 7 minutes from our home, but he just couldn’t remember and he almost missed his turn after I told him where to go.  Once we arrive, he asked if he should drop me off at the front door and when I replied no, so he turned the tables and asked if I would drop him off at the front door. lol.  Typical husband things….

We check in and quickly got in.  I was monitored & checked for about 2 hours before being released and given the “Everything is ok.”  Thankfully.  Everything I was experiencing would be the new normal for me the next few weeks.  Maybe going into the hospital was a step more than we needed to do, but when you’ve been what we’ve been through and gotten this far, we weren’t going to take any chances.  We needed to know what was going on and our minds were luckily put to ease.

We decided this was a good trial run for us. We got to experience where to go, what to do, what bags to grab before we walked out the door, and what to partially expect if things progress normally.  Let’s be honest, when time gets here… it’s not like we’ll remember ANY of that, but for the time being we fool ourselves and convince each other we have a handle on this situation.  🙂  I mean, isn’t this how parenthood is?  You think you know what you’re doing but quickly realize you have no earthly idea what’s about to happen…

 

Our “Plans”

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The past couple of weeks I’ve been going over our “plan” in my head.  We had planned on having a few children by this age, we had planned to have adopted by now, we have planned…. and the list goes on.  I find myself making plans in my head about this pregnancy.. when I’ll go into labor, how we’ll get to the hospital, if we’ll have to do an emergency c-section or will he come naturally, and I realize my plans always fall through, every single time. I have been planning on a safe and healthy pregnancy and my mind has been filled with a bit of anxiety and worry recently.  As I’m trying to sort through the worry and anxiety, I came to the realization where we are in the year, 10/2017.  This time of the year has been such a bittersweet time filled with a wide variety of emotions, dating back to 09/2011.

This time in 2011, we were going through our first ectopic pregnancy surgery.  When we first found out we were pregnant, we celebrated (quietly) and told a few family/friends but it hit us hard when I started having some unfamiliar pains.  Unfamiliar pains turned into waiting, which turned into the inevitable, losing our 2nd child.  Despite our plans, that pregnancy ended up in a surgery, losing little one and tube #1 being removed.  Ironically, this time in 2016 (October 5th, 2016), we were going through our last loss.  This pregnancy not only ended up with us losing our 4th child, but losing my only other option to get pregnant naturally, tube #2.  As this all hits me, I am filled with bittersweet memories, anxiety and thankfulness.  Memories filling my heart and tears in my eyes as I imagine those lost sweet little ones up in heaven.  Anxiety that anything could go wrong with Zayden at this point.  All the “what ifs” swirl through my head daily, and honestly it’ll be difficult to get past those, but we will, eventually.  And thankfulness.  Thankfulness was a bit harder to come by at first because all the other junk flooding my mind, but we are so so thankful that Zayden is currently healthy and strong, continuing to grow every single day.

All my plans so far have fallen through, and I never understood why, until recently.  He’s pushed these “plans” of mine down because he had a much bigger and better plan.  And luckily, we’ll get to meet this incredible plan of His within a few short weeks.  I will not let the devil seep into my thoughts and push my anxieties and worry.  Because the Lord has this, He has a much better handle of His plan that I do.