Tag: Resolve

Moment 1 | Infertility Uncovered

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If you’ve read my post yesterday, you’ll know I’m going to share the 4 most memorable moments during our infertility journey. These specific moments I usually leave out of our story because they’re some of the darkest moments I would like shut out of my memory. However, they’re the memories I can’t seem to shut down. Let’s do this…

Moment #1:

During the first emergency surgery, I remember my doctor looking at me and asking if I was ok, and I yelled at him. I’m not kidding, I yelled at him with tears running down my face, “I’m done, just do the surgery, I don’t care anymore. I’m so damn tired of waiting for it to pass. JUST DO THE SURGERY. Get it out.” (There may have been a couple more cuss words in there… It wasn’t my finest moment).

Let me rewind and give you a little context about this statement. We found out we were pregnant (YAY!) Excitement overwhelmed us. Around 5 weeks, I started to have pain on my side. I was told, oh that’s normal, it happens when your uterus stretches and getting ready for your baby. Although that can be true, this wasn’t the case for me.

We found out that we were likely having an ectopic pregnancy and that baby wasn’t viable, but we needed to do some testing and wait and do some more in a couple of days and then we would see what was going on. We waited a couple of days, tested again, numbers didn’t confirm anything. So we waited 2 more days, tested again, numbers again didn’t confirm anything again. We tested again. FINALLY, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy. We were given two options, surgery or to have an injection and see if it helped pass it through the tube. I chose the shot to see if that helped things pass. It didn’t. I went back in and was told I could have another injection and if that didn’t work, I would need surgery. Again, nothing happened.

At this point my patience was running thin, my composure had gone out the window. To say I woke up in a poor mood is an understatement. I was frustrated and didn’t feel like going into work, so I called in sick. Who knew God was preparing me for what was to come. As I moped around the house, something hit me. I was no longer just in emotional pain, but I had physical pain down my leg and side. It wasn’t unbearable, but it did hurt. So I layed down in the guest bedroom and cried because I was over it all. I was done waiting. I was done keeping my composure.

We called the doctor and he asked me to come in right away. Jason took me to the hospital and at that time, we weren’t entirely sure what was going on or what was happening but we were ready for this to be done. As the doctor took me back and had me lay on the table, he tapped my foot with his fist and pain shot up my leg and side and that’s when I yelled at him.

“I’m done, just do the surgery, I don’t care anymore. I’m so damn tired of waiting for it to pass. JUST DO THE SURGERY. Get it out.”

I was so emotionally drained that I didn’t want to wait any longer, I was over this. I had taken as much as I could take and I was done. When the doctor went in for the surgery, the tube ended up erupting and tube numero uno was gone. Forever. And that little embryo that was not alive in the first place, but it too was gone. Forever.

lNote, I did later apologize to my doctor & the nurse for yelling & cussing at them. 😬

Why I didn’t understand the pain I was experiencing in that moment, I would later get it all. I questioned God and His purpose for me and purpose for the pain, but I didn’t hear the answer. This was Moment #1 to understanding the bigger picture to our infertility journey.

National Infertility Awareness Week |Infertility Uncovered

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Infertility Uncovered

Today marks the second day of National Infertility Awareness Week, and if you follow our blog, you know that we’ve been on this path of infertility for quite a few years.  I was so afraid to share our story a few years ago because it was personal.  And let’s be honest, I was ashamed I couldn’t do the one thing I was made to do.  I was frustrated (and still am) that I never get the opportunity to surprise my husband with a pregnancy announcement or throw a gender reveal party and feel comfortable that I won’t lose the sweet baby shortly after. My heart still aches from time to time when I see that baby announcement from someone else, but I also celebrate because I know just how precious that gift of life is.  If you follow my posts this week, you’ll read about the 4 moments that truly brought me to where we are now.  Where I can celebrate precious life others get to celebrate…. But first, here’s a recap of our journey.

A little over 9 years ago we decided to start our family and were told we should have no issues because everything “looked good.” Fast forward to today, here’s what two healthy individuals with no signs of any potential issues went through: 

  • 2 miscarriages
  • 1 empty sac pregnancy (where there is a sac and your body thinks your pregnant but you really aren’t)
  • 2 ectopic pregnancies, which resulted in 2 emergency surgeries.  1 of which was life threatening.
  • 2 lost tubes, meaning never being able to have a natural pregnancy again.
  • Months and months of hormones
  • 5 heaven babies that I think about every single day.  
  • 2 new doctors (THANK THE LORD FOR THEM)
  • Countless injections, daily meds, and hormones
  • 1 round of IVF
  • Large medical bills that insurance doesn’t pay for, because ya know, infertility is not acknowledged always. (You should be able to hear my eyeroll from where you’re sitting reading this)
  • During IVF – 15 embryos, 13 fertilized (yay), 2 survived by Day 5 but they were rated so poor they didn’t receive a grade, 1 embryo that took.
  • 1 sweet baby boy that I get to hold every night

When I think about our journey, I don’t remember all of these little details and events unless I really think about it.  When someone asks me about our journey, my mind tends to focus in on 4 certain moments, life changing moments.  Do you know what I remember most? Follow me this week and I’ll share them.  Some moments may seem like I will always be broken, but even in the darkest moments, God prevails, as He always does.

If you know someone going through infertility – feel free to share my information with them.  Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone that understands what they’re going through.  Everyone’s journey is different, mine is very mild compared to others.  I don’t share my story for myself (although it does help get through the tough times) but I share for others.  I’ve had women literally all over the world reach out to me to ask me questions or advice and I’m here for them. So never hesitate to give them my # or tell them to message me.  #infertilityuncovered 

 

Never give up that glimpse of hope.

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“Happy Implantation Day!” a sweet friend text me this week. I thought to myself, wait is that my implantation day in 2017, did I forget about it, was I blocking that day and it’s chaos? Her question encouraged me to look back on that day and remind myself what I was feeling. So I did. I didn’t read it all the way through because I had errands to run and it was sad and my emotions were coming back to me and I just couldn’t right then.

The day continues and our sick little guy ended up not sleeping basically from 1:30-4 this morning. He can’t sleep unless I’m holding him, I can’t sleep unless I’m not holding him. So there we are, me holding him and wishing I was just getting some sleep. I found myself a little irritated and finally I just said, “Hey God.. I am thankful for a crying baby. I am grateful for my lack of sleep because it means we have him. So thank you.”

I was the reminded about the implantation day text so early this morning, I went back through my blog and found 2 posts from 02/15/17. Implantation Day. Countless shots, medications, and lots of tears and we finally reached this day. It was nerve-wracking to say the least. I’ve posted the 2 blogs from that day below for you to read if interested but my emotions were all over the place and my summary is below:

02/15/17 – Before the Call

02/15/17 – After the Call

  • Nervous as all get out. We had 13 embryo.
  • Receive a call first thing on implantation day and all embryos are poor quality and they weren’t sure any of them would make it. My faith, patience, emotions were shattered.
  • Wait. Wait. Wait a few hours to see if we can even implant any.
  • Receive another call to come in and we will transfer the best 2 if we wanted to but basically don’t give your hopes up because they have such a poor rating they can’t rate them.
  • My faith still shattered, but I prayed.
  • Go in to the Dr. and we put in the best 2. It was so difficult to not cry but I sucked it up and held it in. Made it through the appointment and literally did nothing for the rest of the day. I was upset and defeated but I knew I needed to trust God.

It was a rollercoaster of emotions, my faith was shattered more than a couple of times, my frustration had overcome me more times than I can count, but on the other side we have one sweet, amazing, strong, a little crazy, cuddliest, orneriest toddler that you can imagine. So I will continue to love those sleepless nights and I will watch all the episodes of Curious George for the 18th time (literally what we are watching right now, I guess it’s better than Baby Shark -I even whispered Baby Shark in my head, just in case he has telepathy, in fear he will want to watch and dance to it again) 😂 🤞

Our chances of a successful pregnancy per history was a big fat 0. Maybe the Dr. chances were slightly higher but I knew in my heart that after losing 5 babies and ending up with losing both of my tubes, that our chances were next to nothing but God knew something I didn’t. He had a bigger plan. And I’m so thankful we didn’t give up hope and we trusted Him. To anyone going through infertility, I pray for you and I hope your faith isn’t shattered and I hope you never give up. Sending love to all of you today on our Implantation Day! ❤️

Written by Chasnie & Zayden 😊

1 Year Old | Zayden Gray | My Superman

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Over a year ago, we sat in a hospital room talking to our doctor about how we only had 2 embryos that have survived and they were so poor they couldn’t even rate them. They asked us if we wanted to proceed forward and try anyways… With no real hope, we prayed over those 2 embryos every day and today we have a healthy 1-year old. Cue the tears 😭.

What a superhero, little miracle, blessing from God you are Zayden Gray. We have spent 365 days with you in our arms or chasing you around. You have kept us on our toes each and every day as we figure out this whole parenting thing!

We have gone through so many firsts with you, firsts that I normally wouldn’t think twice about but we have cherished every single one. I can’t wait to see how the rest of our future goes together! ♥️

A few things you’ve learned this month:

Learned how to climb a ladder

Being more affectionate, especially with the puppies. They love Z’s hugs & kisses

Say a few new random words (backpack, phone, baseball)

Going up & down stairs 😬 which happens to be your new fave game.

Causing destruction

More teeth – molars this time!

Being a little daredevil 😬😬

Using utensils

And the best part …starting to look like your mama! ♥️

Your first year in pictures:

6 Months

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Here we are baby boy, you’re 6 months old! This month we had the opportunity to dedicate you at Fellowship Fayetteville and our heart is overflowing with a church family that will pray over you throughout your life! You are one blessed baby boy to have so many people caring and praying for you!

There are so many things you’ve accomplished within the last month that I can’t even keep up with you some days. You can wiggle and half crawl/half army crawl across the living room to your favorite pups, a puzzle or just a water bottle because those seem to be the most interesting things at the moment!

Other things you love:

  • Your nanny 😍
  • Anything you can put in your mouth
  • Jumping to House of Pain’s “Jump Around” or really any song for that matter
  • Cell phones or anything that glows
  • Music – without words, including the Office theme song 😂
  • Being outside
  • Bubbles – who knew bubbles would be that funny
  • Pulling mama’s hair out
  • Talking or screaming
  • Playing zombie – Because that’s how we play in our household

Accomplishments:

  • Late night partying (aka getting up after mom and dad put you to bed)
  • Fitting your whole fist in your mouth
  • Almost crawling – give it 2 more weeks and you’ll be grooving everywhere.
  • Sitting up
  • Grabbing things, well, everything in sight
  • Sweet potatoes & avocados
  • Being the cutest little boy at 4 am
  • Playing with friends our age

What we think you may be someday based on all your skills at the moment:

  • Rock Climber – you will literally try to climb anything.
  • Rapper – You do babble pretty quickly & love music
  • Professional Puppy Player – you get it from your mama
  • Motivational Speaker or something that allows you to talk to people – pretty sure you will have a voice, where a microphone is not needed
  • Escape Artist – Just change his diaper once and you’ll understand

Things we plan to work on for next month:

  • Trying new foods besides sweet potatoes & avocados!
  • Sleeping. Sleeping is going to be a high priority in what we work on this month.
  • Pulling ourselves up
  • Learning to play on the big piano!
  • Fitting not just the fist, but also adding the foot to the mouth 😂
  • Swimming
  • Saying mama – maybe wishful thinking but I hope your first words are mama or puppy and I would be thrilled!

Days with you are filled with so much joy and happiness than you can imagine. We may be running on caffiene and a few minutes of sleep here or there, but you are beyond worth it. We can’t believe it’s been 6 months since you’ve come into this world and we were finally able to hold you. Love you little man, more than you can imagine!

If you’re following our journey and would love to pray for Baby Z, we would love prayers for good sleep for all of us and most importantly his health as he continues to grow, venturing to different vaccines and lastly just safety for this daredevil lifestyle he lives. ❤️

Infertility from Dad’s Point of View

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Chasnie has been asking me forever to write a blog post to add to this amazing project of hers and everytime she asks, I just tell her I plan to but I’m not sure what to write. In reality, I still have no idea what to write because at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I had to do much. Losing an unborn child is tough, losing multiple children is very tough, but it’s so much harder for the mom to go through. I didn’t know what it felt like to be carrying a child and for all of a sudden to just feel emptyness. I didn’t have to undergo multiple surgeries and have parts of my body removed. I didn’t have to deal with the pain of a ruptured tube and internal bleeding. All I did was be present, sit in the waiting room, pray for her safety, and simply keep family and friends up to date on the progress.

When it came to the actual process of IVF, here are just a handful of things I didn’t have to go through:

  • I didn’t have to take medication after medication or injection after injection.
  • I didn’t have to alter my lifestyle in an effort to increase the odds of getting pregnant.
  • I didn’t have to deal with mood swings, hot flashes and a changing body.
  • I didn’t have to undergo the actual act of childbirth!!
  • I didn’t need to, and 5+ months later, still do not have to deal with nursing, pumping, and planning my day around making sure Zayden can eat.

When he cries because he is hungry, it’s always her job to come to the rescue. All I can do is change diapers, get Chasnie what she needs, and try and make her difficult and tiresome job a little less strenuous. Even on my best of days I don’t even do the best job at this. Trust me, when Zayden gets hangry at 2am, it’s extremely easy to roll over and let her handle everything, but making myself wake up with her so I can change a dirty diaper and get her a glass of water while she gets ready to feed him, is the least I can do. And some nights even that is too difficult, so I can’t even imagine having to stay up for at least another hour. Of course, I have offered to stay up with him during a sleepless night, so she can (maybe) snag a couple of extra minutes to herself. But if I am being honest, Zayden at 4am is the most adorable thing you will ever see, so even then I’m getting the better end of the deal! I know in the long run our tasks will change and we’ll be able to share tasks more evenly. But at this point, I feel like my “job” as a dad is the easy end of the deal.

If you’re a guy getting ready to go through the IVF process, get ready to feel a little helpless and worthless. If you’re a dad that has been through the process, let’s take a moment to remember how much we didn’t have to endure in order to receive one of the greatest gifts of all time! As the days go by and life moves on, it’s easy to forget the struggle and sleepless nights. Even a mere 5 months after having Z, it’s easy to forget what it took to get where we are. And now I can’t imagine life any other way than having him here, with us.

And while I’m thinking about it: Chasnie, you are a rockstar. You have made sacrifices I will never comprehend, and for you they don’t even register as a sacrifice. You have always done whatever it is Zayden needs, without hesitation. You are a mother that all others should strive to be. God made you to be an amazing mom and that’s exactly what you have become. I will forever be grateful for what you have endured and your perseverance. I’m so proud to call you my wife and mother of my child. You are and always will be appreciated and loved!

-Jason, the spouse of the strongest woman ever

For more about our infertility journey or Chasnie’s Project take a few minutes for her video!